Our National Day Of Romantic Insincerity
Valentine's Day. I hate it. I'm only reminded of it now because papers are calling me for Valentine's Day tips.
If somebody loves you, they show you all the time, not just on the officially recognized day for it. For me, Valentine's Day is this manufactured holiday, and it's especially for people who treat each other like steaming crap all year round, and then have this one 24-hour period to get naked and be nice to each other. Feh.
What's wrong with being really romantic on the average Thursday? It's much more exciting then.
Speaking of which, I won't say what the show is just yet, but there was a TV shoot at my house Thursday -- one I was in. They told me Wednesday afternoon that they needed to be at my house at 10 am the next day, or they couldn't work me into the schedule. Eek. At the time, I was still in for a bunch of errands and an appointment that kept me running around until dinnertime.
Well, guess who woke up at 6am, got to the store by 7am to get me a few things I needed, and then came over to help me get my house ready? (No small task.) My kind of Valentine. And not a stuffed animal (gag!) or a heart-shaped pancake in sight.
Now, I love buying presents for people I care about. A good friend is going through a lot with her parents now -- both have dementia in varying degrees, along with other problems, and both are in different facilities -- and she started crying a little on the phone with me the other day. Well, I only spent about $10, with shipping...got her World's Softest Socks, in deep purple, which I absolutely love and wear when I write because I can't stand having cold feet. Made her feel better, too. And this was a gift sincerely given, not one given because the calendar said it was time.
As for the Valentine's Day thing, girls have to take the lead on cutting down on the ridiculousness (if you are a girl who think it's just ridiculous and kind of sickening, like me). Sure, there are some gooey guys out there, but I think most guys or a whole lot of guys celebrate Valentine's Day simply because they know they'll get their asses kicked if they don't. I mean, do you really think men buy anything with baby's breath of their own volition?
Hear, hear!
When I take over the world, the second thing I'm doing is outlawing Valentine's Day.
I mean, was it a sadist that came up with the holiday that essentially says to single people "You are a loser."? Or was it simply a case of not giving a shit how much psychological damage they inflict with their disgusting treacle?
Hallmark Holidays ought to be expunged from polite society.
brian at January 26, 2008 4:26 AM
Thanks -- can't believe I left out all the people who are made to feel like it's elementary school again, and they didn't get any valentines.
Amy Alkon at January 26, 2008 6:07 AM
Valentine's day and other "days" serve a purpose for women who have little ability to judge emotions in other people. They just don't know if their boyfriends or husbands "love" them, or even like them. If they can make their BF buy them a gift or card, then that is some proof. If the guy "forgets", then they are upset because they have no power (love). The motto is: If you love me, you should prove it.
FrankBoston at January 26, 2008 7:49 AM
You can blame the confectioners for Valentine's Day.
It's really sad, romance used to be about the Kisses. Now it's all Snickers and Butterfingers.
Curly Smith at January 26, 2008 7:49 AM
Hear hear. One reason I'm with my husband is because he shows me he cares all the time, and not with little stuffed teddy bears holding shiny stuffed hearts. He does me favors, rubs my feet, fixes my computer, reads to me...things that show that I'm important to him. He is, to use your words, romantic on the average Thursday. We don't completely ignore Valentines Day, but nor is it a Big Fat Deal, either.
I agree that lots of guys observe Valentines Day to avoid getting their asses kicked. But when I read that passage to my spouse, he added, "...and because they know they won't get laid again if they don't." He's got a point.
Karen at January 26, 2008 8:35 AM
The not getting laid part goes without saying (or so I thought) with "getting their asses kicked."
Amy Alkon at January 26, 2008 8:48 AM
This is my first Valentines Day with my new boyfriend of six months. I am playing hockey that night. So is he. I'll see him after for a shower and...well, whatever. Just like every Thursday!! ;-)
Karin R at January 26, 2008 8:53 AM
Very cool.
PS Another thing that creeps me out is when people feel compelled to get into the VD spirit before they actually know each other that well. Ick.
Amy Alkon at January 26, 2008 9:05 AM
I hate the ostentatious displays that show up at work. Then all the women gather around, some weeping with Romantic Sublimnity, and view the depths of their lover's floral skills.
Then there's all the guys tapping out digits on their cell phones to florists, trying to keep up. They don't want their girlfriends or spouses to think they're cheap just because they didn't get the largest floral arrangement.
Creepy, that's what it is.
Jeff at January 26, 2008 9:15 AM
i find pretty much ALL holidays insincere and empty of meaning. i don't participate in any of them. it's incredibly freeing to be nearly oblivious to the madness of, say, Jesus-mas, while everyone else is runnning around insane and frantic and stressed. and on christmas day, you get the entire ski slope all to yourself!! i do eat xmas dinner w/my family becuz it matters to them, but i don't go in for the barage of obligatory gift-giving. it's nice!
trina at January 26, 2008 9:55 AM
... I never thought I'd see other people that hate Valentine's day too. I'd much rather see people being nice to each other the whole year than extra nice on one day. If it's done as a fun thing it's not too bad, but when a guy feels forced into it that's another thing entirely.
It reminds me of that gift thread a while back... valentine's day just adds one more time to the year where a gift is absolutely expected instead of a nice surprise.
Bad Kitty at January 26, 2008 10:03 AM
valentine's day CAN be a nice time to have a dinner party w/your single friends and/or send them cards - but the cards must be handmade so as not to support hallmark. more importantly, though, and more meaningful, is writing friends just whenever to let them know you love them and appreciate them -- like when they've been caring for you, feeding you, driving you to dr's appmts and taking your dogs for walks for two weeks while you're laid up... that's love that happens when it's needed, not when it's choreographed by hallmark.
trina at January 26, 2008 10:17 AM
Well said.
I used to know a guy whose wife's birthday was on Valentine's Day. It was also their wedding anniversary. It made it very easy for him to remember all three. If he forgot, he would be dead.
Shawn at January 26, 2008 10:25 AM
fun anti-valentine e-cards here:
http://www.heartless-bitches.com/ecards/
trina at January 26, 2008 10:31 AM
My husband does thoughtful and romantic things for me all the time. He makes me feel spoiled on a daily basis. He LOVES Valentine's Day. Starts planning for it in December. He doesn't know how pressured this makes me feel. He's so thoughtful, so romantic that I feel like I can't do as well for him, though he seems deeply touched by my attempts.
I used to think his ex (who was Mummy and Daddy's little Princess) beat this Valentine's thing into him. Mom-in-law told me, though, that he was like this from little boy-hood.
With everything he does for me on a daily basis I figure I can pretend VD (heh) is as important to me as it is to him, though I think every day kindness and love is a lot more important.
I suppose this is how many men feel about 2/14.
Kimberly at January 26, 2008 11:50 AM
>> I find pretty much ALL holidays insincere and empty of meaning.
Amen.
Except for Thanksgiving and Super Bowl Sunday.
eric at January 26, 2008 12:09 PM
Eric nails it! After seeing me sputter about this once, a lady fried suggested that women feel the same way about V-day as men feel about Super Bowl Sunday... Even if they're not into it, they want to be sure that everything's going well with it...
I specifically disagree with FrankBoston:
> Valentine's day and other "days"
> serve a purpose for women who have
> little ability to judge emotions
> in other people.
It's not that women who love the holiday have no insight into people's hearts without the artificial holiday. It's that feminine nature burdens them with a pornographic interest in emotions. They want to talk about them and think about them and roll them over and spank them, just like their boyfriends want to do to Miss November.
Crid at January 26, 2008 12:20 PM
:shrug: Just like anything, it's all about the spirit you take it with... The holiday has been around for a long time. Thing is, you TOTALLY miss the point if this is the only day you express Love to your partner.
What was lost somewhere along the way was the point where expectation meets reality...
Oddly enough when it becomes as easy as getting a dozen roses to fulfill the requirement, then that's all you get. On the other hand, once upon a time it wasn't WHAT you got that mattered, but who gave it and what sentiment was expressed. The paradox there is that whatever you are given has to be good enough, you can't allow expectation, and disappointment to color the reaction.
That is where the current understandings and expectations of Valentine's fall short. It's all about WHAT you get. A rose isn't enough, it has to be a dozen, not cheap ones, and the card has to be thoughtful, and if you are serious, it has to come with jewelry... and so forth.
If you took it back to where it was the expression of sentiment, rather than a chore, would it have meaning again? If some sappy haiku that referenced the day you met was not only good enough, but was enough to bring those feelings in you partner, why isn't that enough?
The only people that can take back Valentine's Day, are the partners who celebrate it... Even though I am divorced, I don't hate the day, any more than I did when I was married, when nothing was ever good enough for her.
The sentiment comes from me.
It's handy if the valentine is taken with at least a little grace, if not happiness, but that doesn't reflect on what I am. Just like what you get from your partner is them, no matter what the actual thing is.
So we can lament how much the day sux, because of what it has become... or we can take it back.
We don't have to let it go...
heh, so maybe I'm an optimist.
[PS. and so's the ladies know? This isn't a chick thing. Give the guy something that speaks of your sentiments, whatever they are. I always thought it was a unique experience to get nothing from my spouse for valentines, till I heard from some buddies that they too had been forgotten.]
SwissArmyD at January 26, 2008 12:23 PM
I love Valentine's Day!
I love drawing them, I love the lace that tickles your fingers, I love the ostentatious boxes of chocolates (though you must choose the candy very carefully, or it goes in the garbage) and I love flowers - can't get enough of them.
I also love the hope. Even if I don't get any Valentines that year - which happens more often than not, I'm sad to say - I make little lists of who COULD send a Valentine, and then I make friends make guesses on how many I'll get (or they will get.) And it's fun to give them, too.
Amy, you're pretty creative. Even if, and of course, love should be expressed every day, I bet you could come up with a very romantic evening, including those damn cards and presents, should you choose. You know, for some women it may be the only romantic gesture they get all year. And for some men, as much as they might complain, it's an opportunity for them to express feelings without feeling less of a man.
The year after 9-11 I read tons of personal experiences, in print and online, as I'm sure everyone did, and in between crying, I was fascinated with what it showed about relationships. Many reports were about "the last call." Many couples said they would call each other several times a day, and of course they remembered each call of that day. But there were others, and I remember one in particular, where the wife said, we never talked about our feelings much - we weren't that kind of couple. But he called me earlier that day, before the planes hit the towers, and said he loved me. It was very unusual. Unfortunately, I didn't pick up the phone in time.
I only had one more call from him after that, but there was no sound when I picked up the phone. By that time one tower had collapsed, and he was in the other. But I know he loved me.
Donna B. at January 26, 2008 2:03 PM
I am old enough to remember when both Halloween and Valentine's Day were for basically for kids.
Valentine's Day has since been transmogrified into yet another commercial orgy, but one with a decided gender twist. Sure, some ladies get something for their menfolk, but let's be honest. The message today is to men, and it's loud and clear: "You must prove your love to your woman -- and thereby keep her love -- by purchasing something "romantic," like jewelry, fancy meals, etc. The more valuable the token, the more "love" is proven, and thereby secured.
What's the problem with this? Well, if I'm a woman, doesn't this new tradition make me look like someone who expects material reward for providing "romance"? Don't we have various rude terms for women who sell their affection? Women's image with men these days is rough enough as it is... .
Jay R at January 26, 2008 2:40 PM
See what I mean about pornographic interest in other's emotions?
Crid at January 26, 2008 2:42 PM
If it helps get me laid, I'm all for it.
winston at January 26, 2008 3:45 PM
I don't have a problem with Valentine's day, I guess because I don't take it too seriously. Being nice to each other and lots of sex, all the time is the norm with us, but we'll take any excuse to celebrate. Tuesday works, but so does Valentine's day. I never felt badly if I wasn't in a relationship during V-day. Life's too short for shit like that. I guess I just figure its as good a reason as any to pick up a new bit of naughty lingerie.
moreta at January 27, 2008 10:25 AM
It's a nice call to arms, but I think too many man have been "trained" to ignore when the woman in their life protests that she doesn't like Valentine's Day. All it takes is one time of being told that and then enduring weeks of pouting because he didn't do anything, and he's scarred for life.
Someone mentioned the Super Bowl...now, a man who would bring me flowers because my team won the Super Bowl (or even bring a six pack)...that's my kind of man!
Jennifer at January 28, 2008 5:25 AM
"All it takes is one time of being told that and then enduring weeks of pouting because he didn't do anything, and he's scarred for life."
yes, THIS! Although, it usually isn't just pouting.
SwissArmyD at January 28, 2008 6:52 AM
I used to think Valentines Day was lame until I reached my sexual prime. This is what I do: I buy something from the catalog in Victoria's Secret. I invite the guy I am with over, give him the catalog to look at. I put a sticky note next to the one I bought that says, "do you like this?" I go get some useful paraphernelia for the occasion while he is looking at the catalog. When I come back, I ask if he likes it. Then I dim the lights, do a slow strip tease and...well, you get the idea. I love Valentines Day!
kg at January 28, 2008 9:37 AM
I've always been a sap and have always made the most of holidays. A special dinner, a stocking full of treats, a jack o'lantern, an egg hunt, or a heart-shaped box of chocolates. Nice.
Frankly, especially when you're financially challenged, these days are to be lived for. However, it's what you do with it that counts as others have said above. Don't let Hallmark tell you who you are even when you purchase their products. I'm not romantically involved at the moment (and am not exactly feeling deprived because I'm not). Valentine's is just a good day for letting the people you love get a little bit of yes-I-do-love-you reinforcement. I'll at least get my daughter and grandson a valentine and probably some kind of small treat. I'll hang some cheap cardboard cutouts. My office is across the hall from the daycare in our building. It's a joy to watch the pleasure $5 worth of decorations give the little ones. Well worth the trouble.
I think we need to celebrate life a little extra now and then and that's what holidays are good for (because it helps if everyone's celebrating life, more or less). I find what Gregg did for you, Amy, horribly romantic and I think that's where so many people go wrong. They focus on holidays and overlook the more important day to day kindnesses to one another. If you like to celebrate a holiday, go for it and don't resent anyone who doesn't doing their own thing and ignoring it but, either way, show your appreciation every now and then just to show you appreciate a kindness given or that they mean a lot to you and your life would be less without them.
(Cue in the Stevie Wonder while I get all sappy, please, and rip him off because he expressed it better than I'd ever come up with.) Every now and then, just call to say I love you.
Donna at January 28, 2008 11:10 AM
I've never gotten anything on V day. I get flowers year round for no reason at all. I'd much rather have that! He has flowers delivered to my office so all the other girls say "oh is it your anniversary or your birthday or, my favorite, what did he do wrong?" Nothing is better than the looks on their faces when I say "nope, he just sent them to say I love you". Eat your heart out!
I get that enough that I really could give a rats ass about official holidays. I suppose maybe if I didn't get flowers at random I might want them on V-day, but who knows!
Kimberly M at January 28, 2008 4:09 PM
Leave a comment