Definitely. How? In as few words as possible. Something like "the love handles are reminding me of my grandfather."

The direct approach. Men don't do "hints".

How about "You know, I'd fuck you if you lost 15 pounds."

I would tell him directly to go to the gym and work out or we'll just be friends with no benefits. If he whines, I'd say 'your fat is grossing me out'. I doubt that the indirect nice approach that women sometimes use actually gets through to guys.

Speaking as a charter member of the Big Man's Club, I would have to put myself into the position of blubbing up rather than just being blubbed from the git-go. But I'd appreciate any comment on the order of "Your weight gain is not turning me on. Let's do something together that'll help you turn that around."
Par example, I like biking. I'd love to go biking with the woman in my life who wants me smaller.

Plus, he is just friends with benefits, not a romance. For the life of me, I'm too old for this friends with benefits nonsense but if I were young and crazy enough -- what would be the point, on either side, of the benefits part of that if the other party were not desirable. As said above, I'd think it'd be friend, no benefits, then.

I thought the whole point of FWB is skipping all these dramas... Either party can terminate the arrangement at any point without notice or recourse. What, now you have to worry the persons feelings?

Ahem.

Crid, heh ... when are people going to quit thinking they can fuck around and their feelings won't be affected? That shit messes with your head.

BlogDog, between you and T's Grammy I think we have a solution! Yes, full disclosure, I'm a biker, and not everyone loves biking. But getting slimmer is a lifestyle choice - you have to figure out where your calories are coming from, limit that intake, and then find ways to burn more calories. Preferably in ways you enjoy! It's not a "diet," - you can't look like an athlete unless you ARE an athlete.

But bike rides together are fun! If you set your goal for, say, 50 miles, a cheeseburger and ice cream cone can be waiting for you at the halfway point, and you are still burning more than you take in. It's a time commitment, though, however you look at it. Make it enjoyable.

FWB means you don't have to go bike-riding with them, unless you want to. Your FWB owes you nothing. Not even the truth.

If I had a FWB like this, I'd have long since given him a little squeeze of the gut and made a sarcastic comment, like "sexy". And then probably stopped calling. A girl can pick up a f-buddy at the drop of a hat. Plus, moping at me that I'm not around would definitely be a deal-breaker. No moping. No whining. No obligations. But then, I'm a cold-hearted woman. :)

Forget the "WB" part. Any "F" should tell another "F" that they're concerned about observable recent weight gain.

The WB just gives her more leverage. Which to say they're probably attached, no matter what they call themselves.

FWB doesn't mean no strings. You're still a friend with them, you're just having sex on the side.

It does mean that the two of you are under no obligation to be committed, and either of you could end it at the drop of a hat. Oh, and overly romantic stuff is out.

I'm surprised some people are so dense. Like the wives who complain that their husbands don't seem interested. Having a child gives you leeway for, say, up to a year after the kid is born. But if you're still 30 lbs. over weight when the kid turns one...well...

For most people, jiggly, wobbly, ribbly skin just isn't appealing. Especially when it's on top of you huffing away and things are slapping all around.

I recently lost 15 lbs - I wasn't fat but I wanted to be more cut. Five more to go. And Damn I feel good. Weigh less than high school. Maybe if I go for another ten I'll reach Starbuck status :-)

Anywho general public service announcement (so people can avoid the awkward conversations): If you've recently added a tire to your mid section and the person you usually get down with isn't so down anymore...it's you. And the tire. Lose the weight. Keep a food diary and count your calories (try sparkspeople dot com). Go for a walk. Go swimming. Once you drop the weight you'll feel so god damned sexy it will change your whole mood and outlook. Your slimmer self and renewed attitude will GUARANTEE you will not only get sex again you will get AWESOME sex.

I'm with Crid and Christina.

I've had FWB. It was good fun. Then one day it ended. And there were no crazy emotions, which is the point.

The problem happens when you are actually good friends, or you actually want a relationship.

I agree with PJ:

> when are people going to
> quit thinking they can fuck
> around and their feelings
> won't be affected? That
> shit messes with your head.

And I agree with Christina:

> made a sarcastic comment,
> like "sexy". And then probably
> stopped calling.

And I agree with Snakeman:

> they're probably attached,
> no matter what they call
> themselves.

I disagree with Enjax, because there's a conflict between this part...

> you are under no obligation
> to be committed,

...and this part...

> and overly romantic stuff
> is out.

Alert attention to physical condition is inherently intimate. Your carpool buddy will not express concern at any weight variation less than forty pounds.

> ...it's you. And the
> tire. Lose the weight.

Yes.... Attention to fitness is a meaningful part of a life well lived. And what's important to you in a lover is what's important to you, and it's a silly person who'd try to change your mind...

But in the final analysis, it's a matter of taste, and only that. No reason to take it personally.

I agree with Purp:

> The problem happens when
> you are actually good
> friends, or you actually
> want a relationship.

I'd bet that in 67%-75% of cases, one of the FWB's would really, really, like something more, but doesn't have the emotional leverage to make it happen.

Amy's post suggests that someone wrote to ask her about this; but I'd bet if they were really just "friends", there'd be no question to ask.

Definately direct approach. Generally working under the assumption that men do not understand subtlety is a good idea.

It's like ripping a band-aid off. It's going to sting a little, but the pain of being direct goes away much faster than useless subtle "hints."

Brian was absolutely correct. "Lose 15 lbs and f**k you like a pornstar" is the best motivation a man will ever receive.

Ah, here it is:

> If you're a guy and you're fat,
> and you've recently gotten that
> way, and the girl who's been
> your FWB secretly doesn't want
> to have sex with you

FWB's shouldn't be bothered with keeping secrets. That's for married people.

Dennis Miller routine ten years ago:

Now growing up, my family was not very tight… we were more like a tour group with secrets, but....

I am all about the direct approach - brian had it pretty well nailed (holy shit, I agree with brian). But yeah, I've never been big on hints and inuendos - tell me how it is or forget about it.

Though coming from the reverse, I would probably just stop fucking the fwb if she actually got too plump - in fact I have. Otoh, I have let a little weight gain slide, because the sex was just too fucking awesome. I should note that the quality of the fucking was far more important to me, back when I was fucking lots of folks, lots of the time.

That is, the quality of the fucking was more important than appearances - including weight. I have sexed a few large ladies who were well worth looking past some extra poundage.

I would make a post on my blog (knowing that she would read it)

Or if it was me (and I am frequently mistaken for an NFL lineman, 6'3 300), I would want to be told. I was once and dropped 30.

So, BGP, how were you told? Directly? Delicately?

yes, please let me know by by saying that every inch i add around my waistline makes it look like i'm losing an inch elsewhere. motivate me with promises of a blow job for every pound lost.

also show some sincerely concern about my health.

and tell me that if i significantly put back the weight there will be no second chance.

i think it's easier for a woman to tell a guy than the other way around.

Oh, I don't know, David, Dante Moore seems to have no problem telling women to stay in shape, and enough guys are rallying around him.

Boy, did this guy ever manage to piss off women...

http://jezebel.com/5042976/dante-moores-rules-for-female-re+education-include-cooking-and-staying-skinny

"For most people, jiggly, wobbly, ribbly skin just isn't appealing. Especially when it's on top of you huffing away and things are slapping all around."

OMG Gretchen I AM ABSOLUTELY CRYING!!!!!!

For most people, jiggly, wobbly, ribbly skin just isn't appealing. Especially when it's on top of you huffing away and things are slapping all around. (Gretchen)

Heh.

When I look around, most people aren't svelte. Most people aren't "cut." Most people are overweight, if we use the standards of the US government or the fitness industry. Most people I know don't have washboard abs, and by genetics they never will. Most guys I know have "love handles," even my hard-core Rugby mates, and they might lose those love handles as the last thing to go as they starve to death. Most women I know have fat around their lower abdomen, ass and hips, and they might lose it as the last to go as they starve to death.

So who are these people fucking? "Normal" women with a pushin' cushion are definitely fucking me. But I'm getting the impression that everyone here only fucks chiseled, 3% body fat, genetic freaks. I dunno. I don't see very many people like that.

Jeff - I agree that "most people" have a little extra to love.

But we're talking about when someone starts out at point A, and point is just fine with you regardless of how it measures up to "normal". Then the person expands all the way to point D. It's kind of like when you start dating someone who has a job. Then a few months into things this person decides "I don't feel like working, it is boring." And you're stuck paying for all the dates. And they're using your washing machine. And you notice food missing from the pantry.

There are plenty of people who don't work. But the rules changed on you it a pretty important way which affects the dynamic of the relationship - and it's ok to want out.

Funny, I sort of get the opposite of this (from my quite serious girlfriend, not a FWB).

At 6'2" and 160 pounds, there's not much meat on my bones. Never has been. As Pirate Jo can probably tell you, that's fine when biking up a mountain, but not exactly in keeping with the usual image of the sexy male body. I guess it's OK if you're a rock star, but I'm a 48-year old opera fan, not a lead guitar player.

So once in a while I get a joke or two from the girlfriend. It's all pretty affectionate, and I'd rather be too thin than too fat, and in any case there's nothing I can do about it.

"...she hasn't been around lately...would you rather she tell you or not that you need to shave off some pounds? And if so, how?"

"...she hasn't been around lately..."

I think she just did. And if he can't 'connect the dots', she shouldn't come back, either.

Trina:

A joking comment was made. I took the hint. It worked out for the better.