Right Woman Or Right Time?
Sometimes, it's not so much as the who as the when -- for both women and men. I think people underestimate how big a part readiness for a relationship plays in whether somebody can have a successful one. Judith Sills talks about this in a surprisingly insightful self-help book, A Fine Romance. Tad Safran gets into it in the Times of London:
"What the hell is wrong with you?" a girl recently asked me, her face screwed up with concern and incomprehension. What prompted this question was my admission that I was still unmarried. Sadly, I'm now at the age where I need to have a ready excuse for not having settled down. The excuse that works best with women, I've learnt, is to shrug my shoulders and lament that I just haven't met the right girl yet.The truth is probably simpler than that and best summed up by the "New York taxi driver" theory. According to this idea, men -- like New York taxi drivers -- cruise around all day, picking up fares. They carry some for a long time, some for just a short while, without giving it all that much thought. But at a certain point, when they're tired, maybe bored and have had their fill, the taxi driver decides it's time to turn off his light and go home. Whoever is in the back of his metaphorical relationship taxi at that point is the one he marries.
...With the benefit of hindsight, I'd say there have been five women in my past who would have made great wives/mothers and who also indicated they were interested in the position. Probably more than I deserve. So, how is it that I'm still single? I guess the timing wasn't right -- that, or they pushed me for an answer and, like many men, my default response when under pressure is a cautious "no".
The good news, according to the theory, is that at least men are like New York taxi drivers. If they were like London taxi drivers, they would just stop, roll down their window, find out where you wanted to go, decide it's out of their way and drive off. Or if they were like Paris taxi drivers, they would pick you up, but not know how to get to your destination and you would have to hold your breath for the duration. Or if they were like Rome taxi drivers, they would get you where you wanted to go, but scare the hell out of you along the way by driving like Lewis Hamilton on crack.
There is that silly idea of "the one" that people like to cling to. For some of us weirdos, there actually aren't all that many people who are compatible with us. But, for a lot of people, I think it has to be one of many pretty much, generally speaking, right people at the actually right time, and they'll fall into a relationship with that person.
By the way, I think we should acknowledge the 20s as "The Fuck Years," at least for a lot of people. I used to tell myself I wanted a relationship back in my 20s when I really just wanted to fool around while I figured out the stuff of who I was and what I would do to keep from starving, and all that. Nothing wrong with that. It just ends up being a lot harder -- on you and other people -- if you are in your Fuck Years and you don't admit it.
"For some of us weirdos, there actually aren't all that many people who are compatible with us. "
People in general are amazed that I dont have a boyfriend or ever had a real one. Any man has always been surprised that I'm not taken. Co-worker, boss, potential date, brother, cousin, stranger. Heres the secret as to why, I'm not all that into just anybody. I feel like a fish outta water sometimes because I never meet anybody I would enter into a relationship with. I think I'm one of those weirdos.
PurplePen at September 28, 2008 2:33 AM
I'm not surprised to hear that.
Amy Alkon at September 28, 2008 4:50 AM
I saw a couple last night at a wedding reception who have been married 60 years. Some of these people are still very happy together, and there are also some marriages that last a long time and probably shouldn't. I might be single when I'm 80, or still with the guy I'm with now, or with someone I meet when I'm 65. I've learned a lot from past relationships (I will never, for example, stop feeling grateful to the guy who introduced me to biking) and really love the person I am currently with. I've spent stretches single, too. Those times were nice in other ways. I don't have any regrets about being 38 and never married.
Pirate Jo at September 28, 2008 7:05 AM
I'm still fooling around while I figure out who I am and what I would do to keep from starving (after my current job). And I'm 48. Is that wrong??
catspajamas at September 28, 2008 8:53 AM
I really wish I had just chilled my shit out in my 20s instead of being terrified of growing old alone, and listening to those morons who insisted that I would be alone if I didn't get married by my mid-20s. I locked on to the first guy who wanted to marry me and ended up twice as alone as I would have been if I'd just gotten myself a cat. I ended up divorced at 28, and becoming someone I didn't like very much.
After my divorce and a couple of years of fucking around afterward, I can say with certainty that being alone is not terrible. Being with an emotionally abusive asshole who used his low-self-esteem radar to pick me out of a crowd was far worse.
Now I have a wonderful boyfriend AND a cat, so I guess I CAN have it all. :)
MonicaP at September 28, 2008 10:28 AM
I think timing is just as important as terms. Time is a unique resource. It is the only resource equally available to everyone; yet it is simultaneously scarce, always and everywhere.
For a relationship to happen, at least two criteria must be satisfied. First, the parties must know each is looking to establish a relationship. Second, each party must desire the relationship more than what is lost by entering it.
Timing figures into both criteria. Let's call our potential companion Pat. It's suitably androgynous. If it's not the right time for a relationship with Pat, then presently we have ends we value more highly than Pat. It seems that there are three kinds of judgments at work here: (1) the relative good that Pat brings as against other goods, (2) the relative time it takes to achieve the good Pat offers, (3) the relative duration that the Pat's good will last.
We may encounter people who, because of circumstance, do not know the other party is seeking a relationship. The peculiar nature of dating and the mixed messages of the coquette can mislead. I think the (admittedly low) value of matchmaking services is not really in selecting the "right one" but identifying people who are in "relationship mode."
Even when both people know the other seeks a relationship, the time investment to reap the benefits and the estimated duration of the benefits can still cause people to pass --- even when the good of the relationship itself is highly valued.
Time and timing are really fundamental to how people evaluate entering relationships. Like human diversity, it's often discussed but rarely analyzed. I'm glad to read Amy getting into it.
I gotta' think about the Fuck Years concept.
Jeff at September 28, 2008 12:08 PM
This has less to do with the "when" of a relationship and more with the "who," but I found it intriguing: scientists at the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm suggest there is a genetic component to the willingness to commit. Check out an article on the topic at
http://www.sciencenews.org/view/generic/id/36069/title/Gene_linked_to_commitment-phobia
Axman at September 28, 2008 2:25 PM
Over the years I have met only four women I felt would have made great wives/mothers/partners, etc., two of which were in a place in their lives to be interested in making that commitment with me. The other two I was not in a place in my life willing to commit with them. Those around me also wonder why I am not married yet. Given my pickiness in partners maybe finding the right one for this weirdo really does amount to finding the one (out of a million).
Doc Jensen at September 28, 2008 6:14 PM
I don't get the soul mate concept. No one person can be everything for you, it's not possible. You've got to pick what you're looking for. I married a co-parent that I love in a comfortable, sit on the couch and watch tv, run the household kind of way. He was looking for the same. I don't think he was the only guy that would've fit that bill.
In college, I went for the makes-my-heart-beat-fast, I-want-to-jump-his-bones kind of guys. There again, there were lots that worked.
If I'm widowed or whatever, in old age I'll look for a friend, to grow old with. If I'm still with this guy, that'll work too.
A lot of heartache is people picking the guy that revs the heart, knowing he's not gonna be dad material when they want kids, or other mismatches like that. You've got to date a lot of people to know what it is you want. But then again, my brother married his high school sweetheart ad they seem happy.
momof3 at September 29, 2008 12:00 PM
For some of us weirdos, there actually aren't all that many people who are compatible with us.
Yep, and I'm in that crowd. I don't believe in the whole "soul mate" concept in general - though I can think of a couple of real-life examples that are the exceptions proving the rule! I too would rather be alone than be in a relationship with someone who isn't the right fit for me. I see no reason why I should be less selective with my relationship choices than I am with my dinner orders.
However, on the issue of timing: If you're going to turn someone down who would otherwise be wonderful for you because the timing doesn't work for you, then good for you for knowing yourself - but do NOT later start whining to me about how you just can't find anyone great and the dating world is so hard, blah blah blah. Also, if you're using looks and/or wealth rather than character as your main guiding force in selecting mates, please don't complain to me about how there are no good people out there in the dating world. Embrace your choices, be honest with yourself, and accept that there are tradeoffs to whichever approach to dating that you take.
marion at September 29, 2008 3:58 PM
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