Paranoid Parenting
Coddled children make for helpless adults. And it seems we're raising a generation of them. Frank Furedi on "growing tendency to extend adult supervision into every aspect of children's lives" on Spiked:
It was apparent that 'outdoors' had become a no-go area for many youngsters, and that the majority of parents did not even allow their offspring to walk to school on their own.The idea that children were too vulnerable to be allowed to take risks had already become entrenched. Many readers of my book shared with me their hope that the regime of child protection would gradually give way to more relaxed and balanced attitudes. Little did they suspect that paranoia towards the safety of children was about to expand even further and encompass even children's experiences that it had hitherto not touched.
Who would have imagined that British children would be prevented from pursuing the age-old custom of conkering? Many adults were rightly shocked and bemused when a few local authorities introduced a new policy of 'tree management': a euphemism for preventing children from climbing on chestnut trees or playing with conkers. More than any other bans introduced in subsequent years, the attempt to discourage children from playing with chestnuts symbolised the relentless drive to diminish young people's experience of the outdoors. At the time, many people sneered at the busybodies who decided that children were not fit to go near conkers. Today, however, when local authorities chop the branches off horse chestnut trees to save children from this terrible danger there is barely a murmur of protest.
In recent years, banning children from activities that appear remotely adventurous has become an institution of British political life. It seems that kids are so feeble that we must protect them from everything. Earlier this month, a teacher informed me that children in her school are actively discouraged from running around or playing ball games during break time. Her rationale for promoting this anti-activity ethos was that 'someone could easily get hurt'.
Traditional children's games are disappearing because experts claim that they are too dangerous. Some primary schools have banned tag during break time, while some have got rid of contact sports. In January 2007, Burnham Grammar School banned impromptu football in order to prevent young people being hit by stray balls. The headteachers argued that pupils were 'kicking balls quite hard at each other'. In February 2007, St John's primary near Lincoln banned games like kiss chase and tag because staff felt that such activities were too rough.
He includes this with his piece:
CHERYL'S STORYWe were so excited to be taking our baby son swimming for the first time. We picked a quiet, midweek morning to take him to our local swimming pool because we didn't want him to be scared by lots of commotion and splashing on his first venture into the water.
The children's pool was totally empty that morning so we had the place to ourselves. Our son, Frank, took to the water like a fish and he splashed and played joyfully. I grabbed my camera to take a snap of him playing, but before I had pressed the button, a lifeguard was by my side warning me that I was not allowed to take photographs in the pool area.
I was incredulous. I tried to dismiss him with a joke; after all there were no other children in the water, the photo was just to be of my husband and son playing and splashing together. He insisted, and the more he told me that it was 'just the policy', the angrier I became. He told me that we would all be asked to leave if we did not observe this regulation.
I was indignant. How dare they prevent me from capturing this precious memory? I wanted to take the photo anyway, but my husband pointed out that we would ruin Frank's first swim by doing so and he would not be allowed to come to the pool in the future. We left feeling slightly unclean. What harm did they think we would do with a photograph of our child's first swim?
Furedi's book: Paranoid Parenting: Why Ignoring the Experts May Be Best for Your Child. Oh yeah, and don't miss the country club for children.
The kids may be helpless, or they may make up for the overprotection by seeking out risk-taking behavior even MORE than the norm as teenagers.
This may or may not prove dangerous for the kid, but he's sure going to risk giving his parents a heart attack.
With my own kids, I have also noticed that the better-co-ordinated tend to take more risks because they can get away with it. Personally, I was allowed to discover that I was a bit of a klutz at a young enough age that I learned to take reasonable precautions, but one of my 5 is a real Jackie Chan.
C. Siegel at November 25, 2008 1:06 AM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2008/11/25/paranoid_parent.html#comment-1607423">comment from C. SiegelThe kids may be helpless, or they may make up for the overprotection by seeking out risk-taking behavior even MORE than the norm as teenagers.
Good point. The thing is, you learn limits by falling down and getting hurt as a kid. I don't mean falling from a tall building and getting paralyzed or killed, but normal kid hurts we call got when we were kids allowed to be kids.
Amy Alkon at November 25, 2008 1:09 AM
It's really insane how parents raise their kids. I can't help but wonder if these 'helpless' kids fought back against their bullies if bullying would not be such a big problem than it is.
Nicky at November 25, 2008 1:13 AM
Allow me to be sexist: there are too many women involved in childcare and primary schools. Competitive games and sports, pretend weapons and fighting, climbing trees and throwing chestnuts at each othter - these are basic needs of most boys (but few girls). Many (most?) women cannot relate to this, and see these activities as asocial and dangerous.
Boys need male role models: teachers, gym instructors, coaches, etc. They need adults who understand them. But the vast paranoia about child molestation had led to incredible discrimination in this field: men are suspect, and need not apply. The men who do still work with children cannot act normally - they daren't let a little girl sit on their lap, can't touch the children (which is a very basic need, especially for small kids), and on and on.
So this is what you get: a system doing its best to turn all of the children into good little girls...
bradley13 at November 25, 2008 4:22 AM
Bradley13 I think you are right, sad but true.
nina at November 25, 2008 5:06 AM
Bradley 13, you nailed it, and it took courage in this PC world of ours to say what you did.
I fear that until more men have courage like yours to stand up for the right of children, especially young boys, to bash and be bashed the trend will continue.
Kirk at November 25, 2008 5:55 AM
"Allow me to be sexist: there are too many women involved in childcare and primary schools." Shit I don't know we had mainly women teachers in catholic school. Same when I went to public school. The football team sucked hard core and all the 4 idiots coaching were male. The girls teams were all coached by women and were far more competitive. Both my martial arts teachers are women. As far as risk taking it's more an issue of personality than gender. You want to argue that those (both genders) that go into teaching tend to have a more molly coddled attitude sure. That the system some how shit it's brains and that kids are so over protected and regimented sure. I know plenty of mother that let their kids do stupid shit (take risks) and plenty of father that are nutless sloppies who won't let their kids go out for fear of something. Mom had to get the tubby little bugger to do track against daddies wishes.
There should always be a balance between safety and recklessness but I don't see any gender specifics.
vlad at November 25, 2008 6:04 AM
"and it took courage in this PC world of ours to say what you did. " On a blog, shit got a good laugh out of that one?
How is screaming women are pussyifyiung our kids (on a blog) either courageous or useful. Should the system allow more risks? Sure however the system didn't pull all these risks for ethical or moral reasons. If you think that your being a bit naive. The reason that school banned tag, football, etc. is law suites. You think school supper intendents (who are generally male) really give a shit if little Tommy skins his knee, no. But when mommy and daddy show up with the lawyer they take notice.
Blame the system that gives parents shit loads of money when their kids do stupid shit. Blame the lawyers who take on the bullshit cases. Blame the parents (both of them) for being such spineless nut monkeys.
vlad at November 25, 2008 6:16 AM
I think it's horrifying that kids can't be kids anymore. Not being able to play contact games or tag because "they might get hurt?" I thought that was a rite of passage to get bruises, scrapes and bumps.
I remember going to school and playing soccer, tag, foursquare, etc. Even got a soccer ball to the head and got knocked to the ground. Most mortifying part of that was I was wearing a dress and when I fell, it flipped up over my head so everyone saw my underwear. But it didn't stop me from playing again. But I guess that is one of the exact reasons "they" don't want kids to play those games.
I think honestly one of the biggest reasons "they" don't want kids to play contact games and sports is because the powers that be are the ones who as children were both picked last and inept at playing. And they don't want children now to go through those childhood "traumas."
maureen at November 25, 2008 6:50 AM
I have a co-worker whose husband is the one who wants to turn the kid into a pussy. As soon as the kid gets on the bike, Daddy is running alongside him, shouting, "Don't fall! Don't get hurt!" Which is enough of a hovering distraction that the kid usually does fall. Fer chrissake, leave the poor kid the hell alone and let him ride around on his bike. Minus the helicopter. My co-worker, who just married into this family a month ago, explained it better to the kid like this: "You will fall down a hundred times. By the time you get to a hundred, you'll know how to ride a bike." Amen, sister.
Maybe these sissified kids are the ones who grow up and expect the government to take care of their every need. I'm looking for an island and will let the rest of you know when I find one.
Pirate Jo at November 25, 2008 7:08 AM
"How is screaming women are pussyifyiung our kids (on a blog) either courageous or useful."
Possibly it's not terribly useful. But it is a real problem, and it certainly would be even less useful to avoid discussing it.
For what it's worth, I work a lot with kids in my spare time - call it a hobby, call it putting my money where my mouth is. And I have seen the "ugly" of which I speak: I once offered to help with a desperately short-handed girls soccer team. My offer was met with horror: "a male, not even from our town - you want to molest our kids - go away!"
bradley13 at November 25, 2008 7:12 AM
I'm am so sick and tired of parents trying to bubble wrap the world for their kids. And I think vlad hit the nail right on the head - it's these sue-happy parents who have caused all this.
I don't think the kids are the ones that need to grow up.
Ann at November 25, 2008 7:14 AM
"I once offered to help with a desperately short-handed girls soccer team. My offer was met with horror: "a male, not even from our town - you want to molest our kids - go away!"" Wait this portion of you post I agree with completely. Been turned away a few times from teaching CAD classes at the local high school. My argument was with the idea that they are pussyifyiung our kids because they are women.
vlad at November 25, 2008 7:23 AM
I had a friend whose suburban New Jersey high school did away with superlatives (Best Dressed, Best Couple, Most Athletic, etc.) for the "reason" that the ones who didn't get it would "feel bad"!! Because not everyone is the best ____ or the most ____, those picked would have only been a dozen or maybe twenty kids out of the whole class and those not picked would have been everyone just beyond the best and the most, which there is nothing wrong with. It's a part of life that you will not always be the best at everything and these kids should be learning that now.
Esther at November 25, 2008 7:26 AM
You are more generous than I Pirate Jo
If I ever found an island I'd never tell
lujlp at November 25, 2008 7:37 AM
>>"and it took courage in this PC world of ours to say what you did. "
>On a blog, shit got a good laugh out of that one?
vlad,
Your snappy response gave me a grin too!
>>I had a friend whose suburban New Jersey high school did away with superlatives (Best Dressed, Best Couple, Most Athletic, etc.) for the "reason" that the ones who didn't get it would "feel bad"!!
Esther,
I've always thought those particular categories were worth ditching.
It's not that they're unfairly competitive, they're just facile.
Jody Tresidder at November 25, 2008 9:17 AM
"It's not that they're unfairly competitive, they're just facile."
I always got a kick out of "Most Likely to Succeed." AT WHAT???
Pirate Jo at November 25, 2008 9:29 AM
Actaully I loved the superlatives. Made the ten year reunion a riot. I got the unofficial one of most likely to do 15-25. I'm at least in the top 5% (or 1%) of my class as far as career. Ours were so off base it was great. Except most school spirit they still had it 10 years later they just missed the fact that high school ended 10 years ago.
vlad at November 25, 2008 9:49 AM
Said Vlad, "The reason that school banned tag, football, etc. is law suites."
Actually, I think Vlad has a significant point right there. Tag and football are a lot of fun until somebody gets sued to hard he's got to sell his kids for medical experiments. The idea that someone would feel compelled to file suit over a twisted ankle is a little pathetic, but lots of folks seem to need someone to blame when things don't go right.
I'm not done fuming, but I need to get back to work.
old rpm daddy at November 25, 2008 10:39 AM
Don't get me started. I was a tomboy (liked barbies too though!) and I expect my kids to be. They are. They climb like monkeys and love to run. Whenever one will run up to me on the playground-happy, but a little unsure-to tell me "A boy is chasing me!" (playing tag) I say "well chase him back!". When another parents tells my kid not to climb, I tell them keep at it, they're doing great. Exception being if we're at someone else's house. Your house your rules, but I explain that to my kids.
And I'll sure as heck teach them how to hit back if needed. Better a lecture from the teacher about not hitting back, than a wimp, I say.
Suing is a HUGE reason for this problem. Asshat lawyers.
Also, a great thing I read and try to implement is when a kid falls down, instead of saying "You shouldn't run" I say "sometimes we fall when we run. It's ok, just get back up!".
momof3 at November 25, 2008 10:59 AM
"Suing is a HUGE reason for this problem. Asshat lawyers. " No lawyers are mercs the main asshat are the parents. The idiot parents has the decision to sue or not the lawyer just get to choose if he or some other lawyer will take the case.
vlad at November 25, 2008 11:28 AM
I have to agree with the idea of the lawsuits being the primary reason for this paranoia by the establishment. You read articles every day about parents suing the city because their kids fell down on the sidewalk, or suing the school because their kid got hit in the face with the ball during recess. Childcare has always been a field dominated by women, so I don't think that has much to do with it.
However, I can't make that argument for why PARENTS are so paranoid these days. I tend to blame the media, because they make every case about child molestation or child kidnappings into a free-for-all, making it sound like an every day occurence. But I can only take THAT argument so far. Does anyone know a parent who is super-paranoid as to encourage things like "No Tag at School"? What's their justification?
CornerDemon at November 25, 2008 11:34 AM
"I was a tomboy (liked barbies too though!) and I expect my kids to be. They are."
Three kids have a cool Mom!
I tell my kids that you can't constantly measure yourself against other kids' accomplishments. Other kids have other talents, and you need to find your own way to contribute. I told them about how bad I was at dodgeball in sixth grade, because I had such a poor throwing arm, but once I learned to catch thrown balls (thus taking the thrower out of the game), I had a lot more fun. Got hit in the head more than once, but that's part of dodgeball.
old rpm daddy at November 25, 2008 11:35 AM
I hated dodge ball not cause of the game but the ass hats running it. There was a no head hunting rule, fair in that some kids had glasses. So when someone got a head shot, one little fat kid loved doing it especially, the kid who got hit was out and the one who threw the ball intentionally wasn't. If you are going to make a rule about no head hunting then enforce it, otherwise don't make it. That's why I don't get the second story. There was a basic rule about no photos at the pool, either accept it or find a different place getting indignant makes you sound like a petulant child.
vlad at November 25, 2008 1:58 PM
During my middle daughter's first IEP (a school conference for students with special needs), the staff asked me how they should take care of daughter's outdoor playground time, and what equipment she should be permitted to use. My reply? All the equipment, all the time, literally the doctor's orders. Gasp! But what if she falls? My reply; then she falls, but she'll be stronger for trying. The last thing I want is for her to learn, "I can't do that, I'm disabled". She's now in her third year at the school and the staff has learned as much from her as she has learned from them. Like not to be so damned uptight.
Also along the line of children having opportunity to learn and grow; it's deer season in Wisconsin right now. The kids and I are heading up for some quality nature time. My 10-year-old announced at school that she was going hunting with her daddy and the rifle we bought her. Shoulda seen the pucker reaction on bystanders' faces. Priceless. Oh, and for those of you who are appalled, my kids know more about gun SAFETY than the average adult. Gun USE is another matter, and that comes when they demonstrate the requisite knowledge and maturity.
BTW: kudos Momof3 for being and raising tomboys. As similar as you and I appear (habits, opinions, number of kids), I'm surprised no one has accused us of being the same person posting under different names.
juliana at November 25, 2008 2:12 PM
True Vlad, there's plenty of asshatting to go around. I feel like it has to be somewhat akin to class action suits though, a lawyer thinks it up and goes looking for clients. I imagine some lawyers saw an untapped moneytree in parent's, and kids constant injuries, and nurtured it along.
My mother's favorite story to tell about my childhood: we were at garden of the gods in Co. Big rockclimbing spot. They were all hanging out watching a climber work his rope up while we played. Climber got to the top, and jerked real big, nearly took a fall onto his rope. Why? I was up there waiting to say hello. I was, maybe, 8 years old? I'm sure I found an easier route, but still.
momof3 at November 25, 2008 2:18 PM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2008/11/25/paranoid_parent.html#comment-1607592">comment from julianaMy LAPD sergeant-friend has a daughter, around 7, I think, and she's allowed to wear only pants and sneakers to school -- no dresses or flipflops -- so she can run and climb and play and be athletic.
Amy Alkon at November 25, 2008 2:44 PM
I have to agree with Vlad, the problem isn't too many female teachers and childcare folks, it's the lawsuits. About the only thing that Bradley13 had right, is the fear of pedophiles.
I really don't see a significant difference in the ratio of men to women in child care and education. In American education, especially among the younger grades, there have always been far more women than men. I don't see any difference in the school's my son has attended, than I saw in my own. The exception being that there are actually more men at the school we just moved away from, than there were in my own.
Juliana -
My parents took me to Meijers when I was twelve, to purchase my first shotgun. I was eight the first time I went with one of the men from church, to shoot real guns (my dad has never been a gun or hunting kind of guy). I got my first BB gun when I was nine and Paul (aforementioned man from the church) told my folks he figured I was ready to own one.
DuWayne at November 25, 2008 4:20 PM
DuWayne-
Oh, wow...Meijers Thrifty Acres!!! That takes me back. Purple Cows and riding the penny horse. Yup, I'm a Michigander too....
My daughter has an interchangeable .22/.410. I use the term "has" loosely since she doesn't have ready access to it, and only gets such access when we grant it under appropriate and rigidly controlled circumstances.
juliana at November 25, 2008 5:29 PM
DuWayne and juliana, have you ever shot plates?
I was about ten when I got my first Daisy BB gun, and graduated to a .22 rifle a couple of years later. It brings back a happy memory of some time I spent with my dad. He's a championship pistol shooter, having fun with the senior divisions now, and I got taught by a pro. I shot at a local club match, (with the .22) and finished somewhere in the middle of the pack, and he told me not to rub it in too much that a 10-year-old girl had beaten half of the guys there. My dad taught me how to shoot, and gave good dating advice, too!
Anyway, about the plates. As a teenager I learned to shoot metal plates with a .45, and I thought that was the most fun yet. Even wearing hearing protectors, you can hear the satisfying 'plink' they make as you hit them.
Shooting is fun. I dunno why people have to be such big sissies about guns.
Pirate Jo at November 25, 2008 5:35 PM
Pirate Jo-
We have a "dualling tree"- metal plates welded to arms on a central stand. Shooter one gets red plates on the left, shooter two gets blue on the right. When a plate is hit, it swings around to the opponent's side whereupon the reverse side displays the opponent's color. You can do it with pistol or rifle (at a greater distance of course). However, prolonged competition with the rifles can get your barrel too hot and your shoulder a little sore.....
We also like to shoot skeet/trap/sporting clays.
People are such big sissies because they've learned to blame an inanimate gun for the action of the shooter. Think of the statement "The gun went off". Bulls***. Guns don't just "go off"....unless you're trying to convince a jury of something. People aren't held responsible for their actions anymore, and look at the results.
juliana at November 25, 2008 6:09 PM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2008/11/25/paranoid_parent.html#comment-1607633">comment from Pirate JoShooting plates sounds like fun. I shot targets with a BB gun. And stacks of hay with targets on them with a bow and arrow.
Amy Alkon at November 25, 2008 7:52 PM
My mom lives on a farm in Tenn. She bought the older girls BB guns when I was preggers with them. I had a .40 semi, but sold it to my brother. I never get to target practice anymore, and if it's not loaded, it's no good for home defense. And you can't have it loaded with kids. Sigh.
I think we'll be getting a new gun though, just to stick it to Obama. After all, guns don't kill people. Dads with pretty daughters do.
omof3 at November 26, 2008 5:42 AM
>>Posted by: omof3
Hey, momof3 has turned Buddhist!
(A gun-toting Buddhist, maybe - still, cute!)
Jody Tresidder at November 26, 2008 6:02 AM
I think people have hit the mark here -- litigation nervousness and a generally risk-averse society. Personal injury lawyers are scavengers but people have to take some responsibility for swallowing the idea that they should be entitled to several thousand dollars simply because their kid happened to run his bike into a tree that sits on public property.
But I also think we shouldn't be letting school administrators off the hook here. These people are addicted to pointless and arbitrary rule-making and rule-enforcement. I'd swear they get their jollies by coming up with a new directive on the post-recess lining up policy (by height was ever so discriminatory...). Tiny little regents of tiny little kingdoms populated by tiny people who won't talk back.
scott at November 26, 2008 10:43 AM
I could use some Om. 24-hour trip alone with the kiddos to eat turkey with the bitch of the west, otherwise known as my stepmom. 6 hours of which were in the car. I need a drug-pushing dr to prescribe me some valium!
momof3 at November 28, 2008 7:44 PM
I ran into the "no photos in the pool area" once while my son and I were at the YMCA camp in Estes Park. I just loved the expressions of joy from my son swimming (if you can call it that!!)at 5 years old and took my camera in the pool area, but as I got ready for the shot some little punk lifeguard told me no cameras in the pool. I asked to speak to the actual person in charge and she told me that there was no photos because people took pictures of kids and then posted them on internet kiddie porn sites.
A beautiful moment never captured on film. What a shame it has to come to this.
mike at November 29, 2008 6:57 PM
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