"and because I drive as if everybody else on the road is stupid, blind, blind-drunk, blind-drunk and driving while text messaging, or just has their heart set on flattening me"

Amen- back in the late 80's early 90's my neighbors were from Kuwait. We all lived in Kalamazoo at this point, and we got to chatting about driving in lake-effect snow. My neighbors laughed and said "Rain, snow, ice, sun or shine, it makes no difference. You American drivers act as if your rules of traffic will protect you. You BELIEVE that a red light will actually STOP someone." I took it to heart, but on the flip side my husband thinks I'm utterly paranoid behind the wheel. I have to be. I'm in a little PT Cruiser with three breakable kids.

I drive a Kia Sorento, and I love it. The only thing that would make me love it more would be a rocket launcher on the roof (with a 360 degree turret, of course), connected to a convenient switch on the dashboard. Horn? I don' need no steekin' horn! Outta my way, fuckers! o.O

I drive a Taurus, and have to use my horn reasonably often to prevent the person beside me who thinks that his/her car and mine can occupy the same space/time.

Bad enough when it's a little car and I have room to move over a lane, but most recently it was a semi to my right (moving into my lane) and a freeway divider wall not that far to my left . . . .

The horn was both necessary and effective.

Personally, I've always craved a different type of horn for my car.

I want rino horns, two of them, mounted to the front end of my Passat. That way, when some fucktard veers into the "fast" lane and proceeds to go 50 MPH, I can speed up and give them a little jolt w/o fucking up my new car (while simultaneously piercing their rear bumper. That's what you get for being an oblivious ASS!).

Assholes who insist on cutting me off because their lane is ending are the reason I can't have guns.

Because I'd shoot them.

I am the poster child for road rage.

And if it weren't for the cost of repairing my car, I'd push a lot of these assholes right off the road just to prove a point.

Which is "you don't bury your gas pedal to pass me when there isn't room for your vehicle in front of me anyhow, and your lane is ending, and there's nobody behind me, so why you gotta be a dick?"

Maybe there's a pill I could take that would make me not give a fuck and just let the asshole go.

I have a horn on my car, and usually only use it if someone is merging into the lane I'm in and perhaps are not aware that I'm in the very spot they're merging into. I prefer to "drive zen". I get there when I get there. This tends to greatly reduce road-rage.

I sometimes carry a rechargeable (via bike pump) air horn* when riding my recumbent trike as well. If not, my voice carries well and is probably much louder than my car horn when necessary.

That being said, I still want to replace the horn in my wife's HHR with an old-style AHWHOOGA horn, but I'm presently forbidden from "modding" her vehicle. *sigh*

* The air horn also works great for awakening stubborn sleeping teenagers.

On most small cars the horn is a little thingum attached between the radiator and grill, not much room to put a trucker's air horn. You can fit an ah-ooga horn in the space, or the triple-tone horn of a European sports car, but not much else.

1. Saw this story yesterday and didn't read it. Yep, it's a worthless as I thought it would be.
2. I only use my horn if someone is about to hit me and doesn't realize it. I'm pretty visible (smallish SUV), and people around here don't tend to be TERRIBLE drivers, but I wouldn't give the horn up.
3. We used to have a little Triumph TR6, which had the wimpiest sounding horn ever. Our other old cars ('63 Lincoln Continental and '68 IH Travelall) have nice, loud horns.
4. "They do have playoffs in football, don't they?" I don't think they do in college football.

I don't use the horn in my truck very often or maliciously, yet I'm constantly announcing my presence when I ride my motorcycle. We're tough enough to see on the road without all the texting, phoning and generally dickery by unattentive inconsiderate fucks.

That, and it's in the DMV Handbook for motorcycles to use your horn liberally to announce your presence so you are seen. I tend to shout a lot as well, that seems to work well during the summer when people have their windows down. Nothing like pulling up next to someone and letting them know what a colossal dick they are.

"...everybody else on the road is stupid, blind, blind-drunk, blind-drunk and driving while text messaging, or just has their heart set on flattening me"
I make the same assumptions about drivers, because I'm a pedestrian and don't want to die. I almost got hit by some asshole that drove through a red because he was on his cell. The guy standing next to me stopped me from stepping out in front of him (because the light was green for me, silly me). Scared the shit out of me, and made me totally paranoid after that.

I don't have to use my horn much (I drive a Big Ugly Van right now - easy to see) but it saved what there was of my paint job more than once when I had my Mustang (*sigh* I miss that car). When I was in high school my parents had a Volkswagon Rabbit that my stepdad put an airhorn in. That sure made a difference. People acted like we weren't even there before, when we had the wimpy little "beepbeep" horn. After he put in the airhorn (they do make them for cars, I think he got it at Pep Boys) EVERYBODY knew we were there. You should get one, Amy. I think you'd like it.

As far as idiots on the road goes, I don't think there are more than three people (besides me) in my town that know how to turn left without cutting the corner. I almost got hit while I was at a stop sign taking my kids to school this morning, and the old guy looked at me like I was the one in the wrong, not him (he started turning before he even reached the intersection). I call people like that "Moe" (the full name is "Moe Ron").

'K, this is off-topic, but I just saw 3 of the best bumper stickers ever:

Take Your Ex Out Tonight
(One Bullet Oughta Do It)

Can't Feed 'Em?
Don't Breed 'Em!

Guns Don't Kill People - Drivers With Cellphones Do

o.O

Juliana... Kuwaiti drivers are fucking psycho. Scariest roads I've ever been on were in Kuwait. They genuinely DON'T follow traffic laws.

Flynne, I love those, especially the one about the ex! I've seen the second one, and totally agree. One other one I saw many moons ago that I liked said (the clean version) "F you, you f'in f!" I didn't buy it, though, because it wasn't the clean version and definitely isn't child-friendly.

Tip: Find a salvage yard with Buicks and Cadillacs in it - something from the '60s or '70s. These came with two horns, tuned F and C. Each is about the size of both of Amy's fists (a guess, of course). Some cars, like my Nissan, actually have the wiring installed for two horns already. If not, you can make a simple jumper; each horn grounds through the frame, so just one wire hooks them up. The yard will test the horn for you. Then, you can sound respectable without being offensive.

Like Jamie, I prefer to drive zen, so I don't use my horn much. I don't really mind hearing a horn, as long as the honker is trying to tell me something I need to know (e.g., I'm about to do something really freaking dumb).

Faking football knowledge: Try to say things like:

"That NFC East is so danged competitive! If the Redskins were in another division, they'd make the playoffs."

Or:

"The Cowboys really turned things around once they got Romo back." By the way, if you aren't a football fan, it's okay to be a Cowboys fan, even if you're not from Texas. Try to memorize the names of two or three of their guys.

Or, finally:

"I don't see how the Raiders will ever be competitive as long as Al Davis owns the team."

Memorize these, and all the dudes will be amazed.

Sandy -

I get absolutely apeshit pissed about assholes in big, multi-ton missiles, who think it is my job (when I am a pedestrian) to stay the fuck out of their way. Especially when The Weather is particularly shitty and they get all impatient, because I'm not running all out to cross teh intersection, or they just decide that waiting is not worth their time.

My especial favorite is when they almost graze the stroller with baby in.

My favorite was the guy a couple of years ago that leaned on his horn because I dared to yield to oncoming traffic at an interstate onramp. Apparently that sign means go faster not, "slow down or stop to let the traffic heading right towards me with the green light go by first". Jackass rode my bumper for about half a mile then passed me. First time I've had road rage so bad I almost had to pull over. Good thing I was only going 2 miles down the freeway.

Sio,

Just let off the gas. It's a good be the moron will pass before you get down to 40 mph.

DuWayne -

I know the kind of drivers you mean. When I lived in Vegas, some of them would actually speed up to scare the pedestrians. I was surprised when I moved to the town I'm in now (small town in Nebraska) to actually have people stop and wave me across the street. Drivers are more polite here than in Vegas, and there's almost no road rage, but nobody knows how to make a left turn. I've even seen police cars cutting the corner on a left turn. It amazes me sometimes.

I've always thought cars should have two horns, like a big rig. One would be soft and sort of nice sounding. That's the one you use when someone is asleep at a stoplight or you just want to warn someone in a parking lot not to back into you. The other would be a big old Fuck You horn for when you mean just that. When I'm walking down the road and someone honks I turn around with middle finger already raised, only to find out it's just a friend honking. With only one tone available, it's hard to determine the meaning.

If you follow Rad's advice and add a second horn, make sure it has a different pitch than the first one. I added a second to my F250 (like it's not intimidating enough already) and becasue it is the same pitch you barely notice the difference.

Sio,

At an interstate on-ramp, it is a frequent mistake to equate the "yield" sign with "slow down" or "stop". In fact, it is dangerous to do either. "Yield" doesn't always mean the same thing, does it? The "Yield" sign just means that traffic on the Interstate already has the right-of-way.

Many cars lack the power to merge successfully with Interstate traffic unless they use the entire acceleration lane to accelerate, which is why it is there. You really need to get going, get up to speed before you merge, so that you don't rob everybody behind you of the ability to merge. Yes, you can put Interstate traffic at risk your way. If you're just 5 MPH slow and it's 200 feet to the next car, you'll start a "braking ripple" that can cause the tenth car back to drop to 40 MPH. Not good.

Whether on the bike or in the car, I try to be going faster than the Interstate traffic because my brakes are more powerful than my engine. So are yours.

There are lots of times the gas pedal, not the brake, is the smart one to use. Merging onto an Interstate is one of them.

I'd be mad at you myself for not knowing what happens to other people on the road in this case due to your actions. I'm sorry that driver training doesn't emphasize this more.

And, by the way - if you're going to get off the Interstate in two miles, you're still obliged not to impede traffic on the way there. Interstates are a poor place to assert any individuality.

> lots of times the gas pedal, not
> the brake, is the smart one to
> use. Merging onto an Interstate
> is one of them.

Word. The supercharger in my little coupe rattles like a Trabant, and in general I drive like a little old lady. But the car can merge like a bolt of lightning. This is LA... Freeways are serious here.