Two Good Books For The Sex-Deprived
First, there's Hot Monogamy: Essential Steps to More Passionate, Intimate Lovemaking, by Dr. Pat Love and Jo Robinson.
Then there's The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide, by Michele Weiner Davis. Depressing title, really useful book.
And for general problem solving and making a relationship work better, check out The Secrets of Happily Married Women, by Scott Haltzman, M.D. and Theresa Foy DiGeronimo. They tell you how women can get more out of their partners by "doing less, not dragging them to couples therapy, not expecting them to think or behave like a woman." I'm all for that sort of thinking.
"doing less, not dragging them to couples therapy, not expecting them to think or behave like a woman."
shyeah? that's crazy talk... heh, and he gets savaged in the editorial review... I would be of the side where it doesn't matter how correct a guy is about these things... a woman has to find this conclusion on her own, or she will never actually believe it.
SwissArmyD at July 7, 2009 1:22 AM
The Amazon book pages list "Statistically Improbable Phrases".
For the Haltzman book, it says:
Key Phrases - "Statistically Improbable Phrases"(SIPs):
happily married women
Aba at July 7, 2009 4:26 AM
Was just reading an article along those lines
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200301/flanagan
"The rare and enviable woman is not the one liberated enough to tell hurtful secrets about her marriage to her girlfriends or the reading public. Nor is she the one capable of attracting the sexual attentions of a variety of worthy suitors. The rare woman—the good wife, and the happy one—is the woman who maintains her husband's sexual interest and who returns it in full measure."
MeganNJ at July 7, 2009 6:57 AM
I'm a public figure but you'll note that I keep my boyfriend private.
Also, I find men pretty simple to please. Find a good one, then be sweet to him and don't complain or criticize or point out that you know a better way unless absolutely necessary (like, you're about to drive over a cliff). If you don't respect his judgment in general, you're with the wrong guy. And of course, if you think your partner is doing something detrimental, you tell him. But, I'm talking about the petty things. And other people will always do stuff to annoy you. You can either complain about it, which takes a chunk out of your relationship, or deal with it. In the long run, dealing with it costs much less, and it helps to realize that the person isn't doing X because they're a bad person but because it isn't very important to them or they don't notice, etc.
Amy Alkon at July 7, 2009 8:17 AM
From the PW review : ..but his advice grates, recalling the worst sort of paternalistic misogyny
I think that it's fair to say that very few people actually know what the definition of misogyny is any longer.
Jack at July 7, 2009 8:38 AM
I like the way you handle yourself Amy! And I have taken many pointers from this site over my time here.
MeganNJ at July 7, 2009 8:43 AM
"Paternalistic misogyny"? Please.
It's a good book that will make for better marriages and relationships -- for people who see theirs as a partnership, not a power struggle.
There were few things in it I disagreed with. They did have the study by Elayne Hatfield about attractive strangers asking men vs. asking women on a college campus if they'd come up to their apartment and have sex with them. Men all said yes, women all said no. Well, duh! It's a safety issue for women to go off with a total stranger. But, give those women a drink in a bar and give them an hour to talk to the attractive stranger and suss him out and some might've felt differently. Many make this mistake -- drawing the conclusions the researchers did without stepping back and adding reality.
On the whole, though, this is a very good book -- for people who are looking to improve their relationships, not take a stand against men not being women, etc.
Amy Alkon at July 7, 2009 8:45 AM
Thanks, MeganNJ!
And a note I wanted to add to the comment above: Those of you who are regulars will note that it's the rare self-help book I recommend. Most are crap. This one actually has stuff of value in it.
Amy Alkon at July 7, 2009 8:46 AM
Most of the success you can wring out of any relationship in life, including romantic ones, will come from following the Golden Rule. If you don't want that done to you, don't do it to them. Don't talk people down. Don't stare at their faults rather than their virtues. Don't belittle or *criticize* in that tone--you know the one. Don't lash out in defensive tones if a conversation or relationship is not going how you want.
And that is the small stuff. The big stuff--lying, infidelity, "gotcha" paybacks--and the rest are way, way off limits, unless you really like the drama of breaking up with people who will thereafter hate you, probably with justification.
In short, when dealing with your romantic partner, be the kind of person *you* want to date. If you spend your time fixing you, not trying to change or control them, you might find you like yourself and your partner better. If the other person doesn't reciprocate with similarly good behavior, state your concerns once in non-blaming tones, then move on if behavior does not improve.
Oh, and if you are the low libido partner in a romantic relationship, have sex with your partner as often as *they* like. Not with grudging eyerolls and "okay, I guess I will" sex, either, but honestly engaged, smiling, "I am happy to do this" sex. They will be thrilled in the relationship if you give them that one simple thing.
If you want to quibble about how the sexual feelings should be mutual, etc., etc., consider it like a back rub--a back rub your partner *really* likes and leaves them stupid, smiling and totally in love with you. Who wouldn't give that back rub to a partner on a regular basis?
Sure, it takes time and energy to give back rubs, and the person giving the back rub is not getting any wild thrills from it. But the giver does it out of love, not because back rubs are more fun than every other alternative use of their time. Sleeping, watching TV or wiping down the kitchen are all other uses of that back rub time. But they give the back rub, anyway. It just a really nice thing to do. Again, see Golden Rule...
Not really much more complicated than that, whatever we tell ourselves.
Spartee at July 7, 2009 9:00 AM
What I find funny is the recent spate of books dealing with marriage that promote as an innovation the advice that women should be nice to their husbands and have sex with them.
And for this, the author is accused of misogyny!
Jack at July 7, 2009 11:38 AM
"women should be nice to their husbands and have sex with them."
Nah... Sounds too much like "submission," which is too close to "respect." It'll never work in today's world.
Doesn't it just boil down to treating him/her the same way after marriage as before?
Jay R at July 7, 2009 12:06 PM
Jay -
The rules have changed. Used to be the woman would hold out for the ring, and then make with the sexy.
Now she puts out for the ring, and withholds the sexy.
I don't get it.
brian at July 7, 2009 2:44 PM
I'm a bit baffled as to why people of either gender want to get married at all, but people keep doing it all the time.
Pirate Jo at July 8, 2009 8:29 AM
@Pirate Jo: "I'm a bit baffled as to why people of either gender want to get married at all, but people keep doing it all the time."
________
It's clear to me why women get married. The stated reasons of love, wanting a family, etc. are often true, but, perhaps moreso are the unstated reasons. The unstated reasons included, but are not limited to:
* I don't want to work so hard at keeping you happy.
* I don't want to work so hard at keeping you in general.
* I don't want to have sex with you when I don't feel like it.
* I want financial security in case you dump me.
* I want you to be a billfold and a work horse for me.
* I want the big house and SUV, but don't want to work harder to have it.
* I want to be able to use the courts as recourse if you get out of line or dump me.
I'm not badmouthing women by the above, but it's just true that when you give someone options by putting the law of the land behind them, they'll be more demanding and less tolerant. Men would behave more poorly if they had more recourse and security as well.
Men get married for love and children, but they also believe that their women enjoy making them happy and having sex with them, which is huge (just as a man willing to work hard to provide big homes and vacations for his woman is huge). What they dont' realize until it is too late is that women don't really enjoy sex with good men, it is usually what they bait the hook with until they land the fish, and the good treatment and sex (which, for a man seeking marriage, translates into love and acceptance, not just the physical) are two of the first things they lose after the wedding.
After marriage, sex goes because women really don't enjoy sex with good men (good men are like mineral water and, as Amy has said in a column, bad men are drugs, so which one do people crave more) and now, because of the law of the land and the added secrity, she no longer has to keep him happy to keep him. But, he has to keep her happy to avoid having his life ruined by a good lawyer and losing access to his kids.
If anyone doubts that the laws aren't making marriage a great deal for women and one of the reasons they pull out all the stops to get married and then quit giving a rip afterwards, I've got a beach home in northern alaska I'd like to sell you cheap for cash.
Sez Me at July 8, 2009 12:56 PM
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