I had shared the two articles from yesterday's blog on a message board, pointing out that Obama's administration would be better served by having a domestic violence advisor rather than a domestic violence against women advisor.

Predictably, the liberal contingent was outraged. But I've come to expect that from them. I pointed out that Obama is an unapologetic racist, and from the reaction I got, you'd think I'd spit on the Pope. It is indeed very sad that liberals, the supposed staunch opponents of racism, have sold out this fundamental principle in order to elect a biracial president, whom the often mistakenly refer to as black. Never mind that Obama is a socialist, underqualified and supremely racist, let's get that black man in there and blind ourselves to his obvious shortcomings and the double-standards we embraced to put him in the White House.

I feel for this letter writer. My older brother was molested by a babysitter, and is STILL messed up about it in his 30's. He has yet to deal with it, but he needs to. Maybe he tried and got a similar response? I'd hate to think that. He can't stay faithful in a relationship, can't hold a job for long without his temper or depression getting him fired, some days can't get out of bed. It's a real problem.

>>The hotline said it was all kept anonymous. They said it didn't matter how recently it happened you could call and talk. That they had resources and could help. So I called. I was shocked at the response I got. "We're not set up to deal with people like you".

Such an infinitely cold, cruel, shameful response.

Never mind that Obama is a socialist, underqualified and supremely racist, ...
you forgot sexist.

Wow - what a horrible story. My heart goes out to this guy. I was especially sickened by the lady who told him that he was destined to be a molester because it happened to him. Does this idiot realize that this outcome usually happens because the victim has not gotten help - which this man is trying to do?

I work in a social work related field and have many friends that are therapists. While there are some stooges, I have worked with male and female therapists and there is not one who would ever deny a male could be a victim let alone turn their back. I also find it difficult to believe that a victim would be given a bus ticket out of town with no follow-up. The problem with this letter is that anyone can send an anonymous letter and say anything they want for the sake of their argument. I could tell you many stories about violent rape victims and their treatment by the responding officers and hospital personnel. I could also greatly embellish the story for the sake of my argument. Despite any difference in opinion regarding the "feminists" most people volunteering at these hotlines or working in these crisis agencies are not cold hearted assholes looking to punish men. It is a shame to see these people who are trying to make good in the world swept up in an anti-feminist sentiment. As I keep saying, why does it have to be anti man or anti feminist. Both sexes are victims of sexual assault and of domestic violence. This is not a call for political correctness, but a call for balance in these discussions.

"I also find it difficult to believe that a victim would be given a bus ticket out of town with no follow-up."

And there are people who find it difficult to believe that the world came together out of interstellar dust. What does that have to do with how the world actually came into being?

"The problem with this letter is that anyone can send an anonymous letter and say anything they want for the sake of their argument."

The problem with this objection is that many, amny men report this kind of thing, over and over. A blogger who calls himself toy soldier blogs specifically ebcause this whole same chain of events happened to him and it sacrred him permanently.

"Despite any difference in opinion regarding the "feminists" most people volunteering at these hotlines or working in these crisis agencies are not cold hearted assholes looking to punish men. "

That's on par with saying most soldiers never massacre whole villages. Yeah, it true, but so what? Is your point that we just ignore or justify the few times it happens? These people are paid with public money to serve the public, not to work off their own personal judgment of who is or is not likely to be a victim.

If most people working at these places are not cold-hearted man-haters, fine - but do they ferret out the others that are and get rid of them? That's the standard - otherwise they are complicit in their subordinates and co-workers misdeeds. Is there any mechanism at these places for victims to report this kind of misconduct, and is there any mechanism to curtail this kind of misconduct? That is what constitutes a credible effort to serve all victims, at least in all other government or publicly funded entities that serve the public.

And why are you suddenly defending feminists here? Guilty conscience? The issue is man-hating women, period. It just so happens that a lot of man-hating women are feminsts. So what? A lot of them are probably white, too, or whatever else. It doesn't tar all feminists, unless no feminists comes forward to condemn and denounce them for their man-hatred, and finally to call them anti-feminsts or whatever them if they don't reform. Lots of things can't get a feminist labelled anti-feminist; ask Wendy McElroy or Christina Hoff-Summers or even Renegade Evolution at her blog if you doubt that, but strangely hatred of men and boys is not one of those things. When feminists fail to condemn and denounce the man-hatred and misandry of other feminists, silence is consent, and that makes the feminists silent on the issue guilty of negligence. That's all.

Kristen,

Your main point about social workers stands - most of them are really trying to make a differece in the world. They are almost always completely overwhelmed by thier caseload.

it doesn't matter what aspect of social services you look at, there are never enough resources - not enough good foster families, but they still ahve kids to place, so what are they supposed to do and who can they get to take the kids. Not enough drug treatment capacity, not enough DV shelter space, not enough counselling hours available for everyone who needs it. What are pepope,supposed to do?

They either break or get hard, the same thing that happens to police - which if you think about it, are in a social service too.

so Kristen, I would have to believe that Amy vetted this story... it isn't anony to her. It could still be made up, but this wasn't just an anony screed sent to her by her friends at work.

Having had run-ins with social services on several occasions with friends and once when I had a child in critical condition who looked to be dying, I can tell you how this goes down. You prolly know yourself. Overworked, burned out can say some damaging things without any feeling, and since there aren't teeming masses of people to take over their jobs, there is little downside.

couple that with the fact that most people look at men who are abused as being "weak" or liars if they mention it, and it's easy to imagine the brush off. Plus, there is the 80/20 rule [or more] If 80% percent or more of the cases are a way you expect, you will concentrate on them. It's simple allocation of resources.

While to some of you the letter seems to be fabricated, it parralles my life and the lives of some of my closest and dearest friends.

I know a man whom I met on a rape survivors message board and chat while we are of opposite sexes we experienced similuar stigmas while we were members of that board. His was "men are purpitraitors not victims" mine was "women are victims not purpotraitors", this was brought to my attention when I tried to "talk" about some of what had happened to me, in childhood, when my purpotratior was in fact female. I was told "Female to female abuse just doesn't happen". Effectively calling me a lair and saying that it never happened to me, that it couldn't have happened. Completely dismissing my pain and personal truma. This from one of the best known Sexual Abuse "Healing" Message Boards on the web.

I have known several men who never get help with their truma issues because they had tried brfore and were told things like "Men are stronger than women", "why didn't you just fight back?", "it's not possible for a woman to rape a man", and "suck it up, a man takes care of his own business". Which not only makes them feel crappy about what caused them to look for help but like less of a man, because men are strong and can't be victims.

Boys are taught almost from infancy that "boys don't cry" "that boys don't need help" and "you'll be less of a man if you ask for help". While we teach girls "cry if hurts", "ask if you don't know", and "it's not your fault".

I can almost guarentee that the man who wrote that letter wished he was lying and wishes that it never happened to him, much like every survivor of abuse.

Myself included.

Here is an example of the kind of shit men face when they do go overcome a lifetime of cultural conditioning and go for help. In this case, even more disgustingly, it was a 16 y/o boy who was treated this way:

http://www.feministcritics.org/blog/2009/03/31/fecke-plays-the-small-dick-card-noh/

The sotry is told i a comment toward the bottom of the thread.

Here you have a case of this piece of filth therapist abusing a child in the course of her duties, to a child entrusted to her care. She should have been hung up and left to die.

And in case there is any question as to the seriousness of this emmotional abuse, in case someon is so insensitive as to be like: "Well I don't see what all the fuss is about..." let's just translate this 'small dick" remark into female terms:

Victim: "They held me down and raped me, one after the other."

Therapist: "One after the other? You must be one hot cunt for them to want you that much."

That is the exact emotional equivalent. If it were my daughter or my son, that therapist would die as slowly as I could devise.

Dammit, Amy. There you go again wasting time mentioning men's problems when you COULD have devoted the precious blog resources to WOMEN, WOMEN, WOMEN, whose problems are SO much more severe in all instances, and who therefore deserve ALL of the available attention and sympathy.

Who wants to fantasize about rescuing then-grateful men, anyway?

C'mon, you can't rely on blog posts like that as evidence. First of all, it's a boy telling his mom something the licensed therapist supposedly said, which I can't imagine any therapist in her right mind ever saying. If she did, I'd like her name and number, so I can personally go tell her off, but I strongly doubt that's what she said, and, of couse, this is all "anonymous", so you can't confirm it anyway.

Just like the original story, which Amy has apparently vetted, at least as far as the identity, but what sort of hotline was he calling and how often? It sounds to me like he became confrontational when he didn't get the services he wanted, and all they can do in that instance anyway is refer him to a therapist who works with adults. I cannot believe that they couldn't refer him to a therapist who would be happy to treat him. Like Kristen said, it's just not typical that any therapist would turn him away. Why? He's a potential customer.

It sounds to me like he wanted to engage in talk therapy on the hotline itself, and they got fed up. Poorly handled, but he must've been badgering them.

It's sad, but you just can't believe a lot of people. I have a tenant right now that has told me every story in the book - she has MS, a vision problem, early-onset Alzheimers, and, the latest, she was raped. She comes here and cries, and I swear anyone would believe she's telling the truth (she was a good tenant before this). At first, I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, but, finally, I had to accept that even though this person sounds legit, and appears legit, the story just doesn't add up. She's mentally ill and delusional.

My guess is that, as heartwrenching as these stories are, they are not true. They may sound true, but they're not. If you heard the other side, you'd realize that these people interpreted things the wrong way.

LS,

Once again you are so casually dismissive of male pain.

I don't recall you ever concluding that one of the ladies who has told us about the abuse she has suffered in the past is likely "delusional."

Do you try to wish away the truth about men's experience because you fear it?

You probably SHOULD be cautious. If you were to allow yourself any genuine empathy, you would be setting yourself up for a case of cognitive dissonance that might cause your head, and your heart, to explode.

If anything, Jay R, I'm too empathetic. I usually try to give people the benefit of the doubt, which is why I'm out two and half's month rent, at this point. But I'm not stupid. When things don't add up, I can see it. Sometimes faster than other times, but I'm always skeptical of anonymous stories. Anybody can post anything, and part of it may be true, but I can tell when there's something missing. And, I've often said that -just recently about the mom and her kids in the mall.

However, the women - and men - who post here have become more familiar to me. I know your stories, and I can tell who seems consistent and who doesn't. It's easy to believe T's Grammy, for instance, as she repeatedly tells the same story. There are others here, male and female, who have shared consistent stories of their abuse, and I have no reason to doubt them.

My tenant, on the other hand, has begun to tell vastly different stories. First, she was broken into and robbed, then in the second or third telling, it became a "rape". Now, she says 4 other women were raped at the same time. This is a small community, so that would be on the front page and the talk of the town if we had a rapist on the loose.

So, it doesn't add up. If I was so biased wouldn't you assume I'd just believe her because she's a woman? Your charge doesn't hold up.

It is very sad, of course, but...

What's stopping anyone from opening a shelter for male victims of abuse? If you think there is a need, go for it!

For those who still refuse to see how it is for the other sex, here's a study on the subject

http://glennsacks.com/blog/?p=3939

"What's stopping anyone from opening a shelter for male victims of abuse? If you think there is a need, go for it!"

We're already funding half of them, since we're half the tax-payers. wait, actually we pay mnore than half the taxes, because of the the "pay gap" so we'll just take over our precentage of the shelter space, and it will be more than half. How's that work for you, Nicole K? If women think there's a need for more shelter space for women after that, go for it - pay for them yourselves.

Women's shelters didn't magically appear... people started them.

If you want a mens' shelter, you need to start it. Start by making a charity, and then once you are established you can get funding from the government.

These things don't happen unless people MAKE them happen. So make it happen.

Getting people to give you money for your cause takes work. The women's shelters and other programs for abused people, poor people, etc spend a LOT of time writing grants, holding fundraisers, and lobbying. It doesn't just happen out of thin air.

Any new type of social program is going to need work to get it off the ground. If you're not willing to do that work, to donate your money, to volunteer or to take a crap-paying job, then quit whining about the fact that it doesn't exist.

These are the steps one would need to take:

1) Studies showing that a significant number of men are abused (I believe some exist)
2) Studies showing what kind of help they need... for example, if there is too much of a social stigma to going to a domestic abuse shelter, and the men don't go to it, there's no point. Maybe some other form of help would be better.
3) Tons of fundraising
4) Building the treatment centers or whatever the study decides is needed
5) Education de-stigmatizing male abuse such as commercials, workshops, posters, etc, and telling people where to go for help

Initial funds for the studies would be very difficult to come by, I would partner up with a homeless shelter, or a domestic violence shelter for women, or perhaps a gay organization.

I'm sure more steps are needed that I'm leavin g out.