Why I've Started Having A Baby...Every Night
Except maybe Monday. No, I don't mean the hard way, where you have fat ankles for nine months and then rush to the hospital to do the equivalent of squeezing a Ford Escort out your nostril. I just invent one. In fact, I think I'll name him Spike.
There's a badly run bar near my house. Used to be a drunk bar -- for probably 50 years. It was quiet then. A good neighbor, run by people who know how to run bars. Now, it's a hipster bar. They have bouncers there who...I don't know what they do, but they don't keep the assholes who patronize the place quiet.
We can't get permit parking in my neighborhood, so unless my neighbors and I can put our cars in front of our places before it gets to be evening, there's a good chance some team of assholes will be out in front of my house bellowing at 2 a.m. Like last night. Twice. Once at 1 a.m., and then another crew at 2 a.m.
I used to point out the proximity of the houses -- like, four feet away from where their car is parked, not behind some thick thicket of trees, and note that it's 2 a.m. and people (like me) were sleeping, and/or would like to be. This gets them combative. Even though I like to call an asshole an asshole, it appears to be an extremely counterproductive technique.
My new move is to come out and say, "Excuse me, my baby's sleeping..." Shuts the assholes right up and gets them to move, to boot. And they even apologize. Nicely. So...if you're 45 and would like to sleep, "Fuck you!"...but if you've extruded a child, "We're so sorry, Ma'am"?
What do you make of this?
This might be your answer here:
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/science/article6681923.ece
"Want to keep your wallet? Carry a baby picture...When faced with the photograph of the baby people were far more likely to send the wallet back, the study found. In fact, only one in ten were hard-hearted enough not to do so. With no picture to tug at the emotions, just one in seven were sent back.
According to Dr Wiseman the result reflects a compassionate instinct towards vulnerable infants that people have evolved to ensure the survival of future generations. “The baby kicked off a caring feeling in people, which is not surprising from an evolutionary perspective,” he said."
AlamedaMike at July 13, 2009 12:24 AM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2009/07/13/why_ive_started.html#comment-1658167">comment from AlamedaMikeVery interesting -- I suspected something like that...glad I asked! Thanks for posting the link to that study. Going to bed...will read in the a.m.
Amy Alkon at July 13, 2009 12:37 AM
Brilliant.
Crid [CridComment@gmail] at July 13, 2009 1:17 AM
Wait a minute... This is L.A... What color friend should I pester for a baby picture?
Crid [CridComment@gmail] at July 13, 2009 1:18 AM
Chinese. Little girl. Of course.
Amy Alkon at July 13, 2009 6:52 AM
Any picture of a 3-5 year old girl should do it. Humans are powerless in the gaze of a 5 year old girl.
brian at July 13, 2009 7:12 AM
As far as I am concerned, when someone start acting like an asshole, he forfeit all the human decency I could give him. This includes all the lies I can safely tell them.
Toubrouk at July 13, 2009 8:25 AM
Well done!
This reminds me of how I tell places I'm allergic to mayo. I hate the stuff. In fact, you could kind of say I'm allergic because I usually end up sick to my stomach all day just remembering the taste of it if I unknowingly eat some. So why is it I'm a picky bitch if I order something with no mayo, then get mayo, then send it back...then send it back again when I get back a sandwich that obviously had the mayo wiped off of it?
Kim at July 13, 2009 9:01 AM
"Humans are powerless in the gaze of a 5 year old girl."
Except for their mothers. Their mothers aren't falling for that @#$%^ anymore.
Juliana at July 13, 2009 9:33 AM
What do I make of it?
That drunks respect moms more than babes.
Everybody knows you don't act drunk around a mother and her cub. Could get you kilt.
vanderleun at July 13, 2009 9:57 AM
"Their mothers aren't falling for that @#$%^ anymore." Juliana...
well here's hoping that it isn't their mothers drunk, outside at 2am making a rukus... ;)
SwissArmyD at July 13, 2009 10:00 AM
I'm actually encouraged that there is any degree of civility left.
MarkD at July 13, 2009 10:20 AM
It makes sense to me. I am having fun, leaving a bar, hooting it up, and some 45-year-old bag wants me to shut up? Hoo-haa. Get a life, lady.
But if she has a baby? Of course, I would quietly depart. She has a life, and is taking care of a life.
End of story. Get over it. And get ear plugs.
i-hole at July 13, 2009 10:41 AM
The fake baby is hysterically brilliant. Of course it is a sad thing that the drunks won't respect the need for quiet at 2 a.m., but I got a good laugh reading this.
Kristen at July 13, 2009 11:03 AM
Well, part of the problem is that these folks are drunk! I am not the poster boy of discretion and gentility when I am drunk either. Nothing like alcohol to get those frontal lobes to shut up.
Trey
Trey at July 13, 2009 11:15 AM
If those drunks were carrying Glocks...I wonder if you would mouth off at all. Better stay in inside with the curtains closed, and your ear plugs--and butt plug--in where they belong.
joe-joe the libertarian at July 13, 2009 11:25 AM
joe-joe:
That's probably the stupidest thing I've ever read.
Of course, if you want a one-way ticket to the morgue, pull your piece in LA at 2 am. The LAPD will be more than happy to oblige.
brian at July 13, 2009 11:43 AM
The idea that all babies are "our" babies is a large part of what makes our society something other than barbaric. It even crosses species; we're suckers for kittens and puppies, too.
Find a person who feels nothing when graced with a baby's smile, and you've found a person it would be best to avoid.
Jay R at July 13, 2009 12:02 PM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2009/07/13/why_ive_started.html#comment-1658223">comment from i-holeAnd get ear plugs.
I have 'em -- great ones -- and my bedroom is in the back. They're *that* loud. If you park in a residential area with houses four feet from you car...
A baby is "a life," but nothing else is? Right.
Amy Alkon at July 13, 2009 12:14 PM
Like it or not, most people have a lot more respect for a woman who is trying to take care of a child. Even most assholes don't think it's cool to keep a small child, especially a baby, up at 1-2AM.
Mike T at July 13, 2009 12:26 PM
Well, try turning on a fan also.
And yes, your "life" is widely held in lower esteem than the lives of others, especially children, young women and mothers.
Men and older women are broadly considered disposable in our society. Your princess days are rapidly coming to a close.
Soon, you will warrant the same treatment as any schlub. It's okay. I have been in the schlub world my whole life. You get by. The minor slights, the unreturned calls, the snubbings unintended and intended--it will be a whole new world for you, but you will get by.
And no, drunk boys in the street won't care what some middle-aged lady in curlers shouts at them. No doubt, it is only another moment of high hilarity.
i-hole at July 13, 2009 1:59 PM
> your ear plugs--and butt plug--in
> where they belong.
wtf?
Crid [CridComment@gmail] at July 13, 2009 1:59 PM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2009/07/13/why_ive_started.html#comment-1658233">comment from i-holeAnd no, drunk boys in the street won't care what some middle-aged lady in curlers shouts at them.
Nobody wears curlers anymore, and my red hair is naturally curly, thanks. I'm sorry for you that you're in the schlub world, but no, I'll never be joining you.
And, no, they may not care what I shout at them, but the neighbors here are sick of this, and the cops are patrolling, and tend not to look fondly on drunk assholes getting into motor vehicles.
Amy Alkon at July 13, 2009 2:14 PM
Joining the schlub-world is neither voluntary, nor temporary. We are waiting for you, and rarely disappointed.
i-hole at July 13, 2009 2:43 PM
Yeah, Crid, you little punk-weenie. A drunk carrying a Glock is within his Constitutional rights, and you better not mouth off, nor some bagged-out lady.
Some loudmouthed has-been tart thinks she owns the streets?
Hey-zooz Alou, what a tightass society we have become. Now the bags think they own the town. Everybody has to tip-toe around in "their" neighborhood. Wooooooo-woooooooooooo.
joe-joe the libertarian at July 13, 2009 2:50 PM
Tell you what joe-joe give us your address and we'll drop a bunch of drunk guys in your yard, give them guns and see how you like it
lujlp at July 13, 2009 3:18 PM
Some loudmouthed has-been tart thinks she owns the streets?
You call yourself a libertarian, but try this on: Your right to shout outside my house at 2 a.m. ends where my ears begin.
Do give us your address and we'll come over and shout out the Gettysburg Address at 2:15 a.m.
Amy Alkon at July 13, 2009 3:23 PM
Just wear something skimpy.
joe-joe at July 13, 2009 3:27 PM
joe-joe is an obvious troll. Trolls respond to one thing, and one thing only - a brick through the window at 4 AM.
They aren't so tough once they realize that there's no such thing as anonymity.
brian at July 13, 2009 3:44 PM
Has the bar caught fire yet?
Columbine 101 at July 13, 2009 3:51 PM
Some loudmouthed has-been tart thinks she owns the streets?
So now you're a tart if you have a reasonable expectation to be able to sleep peacefully in your own home at 2 in the morning? Its not about who owns the street. It is a simple matter of courtesy and respect. We've all gone out and had a few too many, but show some respect if you are in a residential neighborhood.
Kristen at July 13, 2009 4:23 PM
Oh Brian, I am so scared. Anyway, there are no windows where I am. Only bars. You are welcome to come in and show us how tough you are. And you are right--some hackers here know something about the lack of anonymity.
See you soon.
joe-joe at July 13, 2009 4:35 PM
Actually, if you live in a neighborhood where loud drunks rule the roost after 2 am, and you have to call the cops, and stand out in the street and exchange unpleasantries with riff-raff--you are already in the schlub world.
You are not describing the life of Beyonce, or even the wife of a well-to-do Brentwood lawyer. You are describing the life of a schlub.
And once a schlub, always a...well, you might hit the lotto.
i-hole at July 13, 2009 5:26 PM
Never argue with a fool. He'll drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
brian at July 13, 2009 5:36 PM
Apparently, joe-joe, you're afraid of something, because in this very post you've commented as "i-hole" and "joe-joe," and your IP goes to yet another name on other posts.
I know Brian's first and last name and his e-mail address -- and his name links right to his blog so you can know it, too. Some have guts, some talk big but are maybe just big old pussies. (Oh, and for the rest of you, more big old pussies here tomorrow -- pictorially that is, and perhaps in the comments, should i-joe-hole, etc., visit us again.)
Amy Alkon at July 13, 2009 6:18 PM
Actually, if you live in a neighborhood where loud drunks rule the roost after 2 am, and you have to call the cops, and stand out in the street and exchange unpleasantries with riff-raff--you are already in the schlub world.
You are not describing the life of Beyonce, or even the wife of a well-to-do Brentwood lawyer
You idolize these people? Poor schlub.
I do not. I don't want to live in a gated community, although I have a big fence and a locked gate. I love where I live, because I can walk to everything, and I love being part of a neighborhood. The problem here is due to businesses that don't carry their own weight: provide parking for their customers and see that their business doesn't do harm to others.
Should my dog bark when she's outside (like if somebody comes to the gate), I rush right out and pick her up and quiet her down. Why? Because nobody around me should have to have their life or their thoughts interrupted because I have a pet. I likewise am careful to not play my music late at night, or take up one and a half parking spaces instead of one. There are other people on this planet besides me -- I try not to have my life on it make theirs a misery.
You can call me a schlub all you want (you appear to delight in this). I call myself a neighbor.
Amy Alkon at July 13, 2009 6:25 PM
"Some loudmouthed has-been tart thinks she owns the streets"
Or expects you to follow the city's noise ordinance laws. You're right, feeling like people should follow laws is totally out of line. I suppose her asking them to be quiet instead of calling the cops is somehow her “owning the town”.
So in the country that you live in, the constitutional right to bear arms also means the constitutional right to use it to threaten people who mouth off to you.
You are right, when you are rich and famous, you never have to deal with anyone drunk or unpleasant again, and even the idea of cops is too much to bear. Too bad all of those tabloids and infotainment shows make their money on that not being the case.
I was going to link a picture of bruised Rihanna, but here’s something more light hearted, 10 seconds of a publicly drunk Kiefer Sutherland attacking a Christmas tree: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dCiageqMHJc
(yes yes, "don't feed the trolls", but I haven't eaten for awhile myself and I like giving to the needy)
Stacy at July 13, 2009 6:59 PM
A few random thoughts:
1) Drunks aren't capable of processing complex thoughts, and they often are unaware (at the moment) how loud and obnoxious they're being. Drunks who wander into the street at 2 am and hang around giggling especially are likely to be unaware of the effect they're having. But even those drunks can process that waking baby = bad bad bad. Why? Because of deep ancestral racial memories (and by "racial" I mean "human race") and because the sound of a crying baby is designed to be enormously annoying. (As for the deep ancestral racial memories, think of it as the flip side of the elderly women who rush up to young women in 90-degree weather and warn them that their babies are going to catch their death of cold because they aren't wearing hats. As we've said here before, raising babies was a communal experience for most of human history, and remnants of that die hard. And if humans couldn't retain some level of concern for babies despite noticeable levels of drunkenness, humanity never would have made it out of ancient Rome.)
2) People are aware that babies can be wakened by the slightest noise and that they are notably unreasonable. If you've ever had to tiptoe through a house because a baby was sleeping, you're probably going to associate "baby" with "needs excessive quietude" even if you're drunk.
3) Amy is hot, and the drunks are subconsciously belligerent because she's criticizing them rather than coming onto them, but the minute she says something about having a baby, they think, "Oh, that's why she's not hitting on my extreme hotness! No skin off of my nose."
4) Have you seen how mad modern mommies can get? For all the drunks know, Amy is part of the Attachment Parenting Brigade. Armies quail and Goliaths flee at their approach.
Anyway, Amy, I think you should try to count up all of the times that someone has told you that you should have a baby, or that you'll "change your mind," or that you're selfish for being childless, etc. Come up with a rough estimate. That is the number of times you are able to lie ethically about having a baby to maintain your peace and quiet. I figure you might have to find a new method by the time you're, oh, 90 or so, but your hearing will probably be less acute by then...
marion at July 13, 2009 8:16 PM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2009/07/13/why_ive_started.html#comment-1658269">comment from marionHah, Marion, I love that. And thanks for the assessment that I'm "hot."
Amy Alkon at July 13, 2009 8:46 PM
Your solution is a lot more humane than mine used to be. When I was living in [ an unnamed city ] near [ an unnamed bar ], my friend and I would snipe people with paintball guns if they were acting up. A few paintballs in the back or stomach tends to get people moving pretty quickly.
Jack at July 13, 2009 9:39 PM
Guys are used to women bitching. There's nothing you can do about that.
They don't like babies crying. And it's easy to avoid, just be quiet.
ErikZ at July 14, 2009 6:06 AM
As for your teases about more naked girl shots...I love naked women, but some photos on a blog don't do much for me...prefer the real thing.
BTW, it was your pal Brian who threatened to throw a "brick through my window" at 4 am, hinting he could physically track me down. You seem cool with that.
I doubt he can, although I was very temped to give out my address so that you could serenade me with the Gettysburg Address at 2am. It is one of my favorite Lincoln speeches. But only if you come dressed like a Hustler girl.
You might have some fun for change, instead of all this schlubby snivel-driveling about drunks who disturb your sleep...
My character "Joe-Joe" was a (feeble) attempt to get you to wonder about your love affair with guns and libertarianism. (In fact, I do not own a gun, and feel safe in my lower-income LA River neighborhood without one. I do own a big dog that could eat yours).
Does it not give you pause to think of young drunks armed and leaving bars every night, with concealed weapons? Would you dare accost drunks if you knew they could be armed with Glocks? It is a tough question for a libertarian, and I think you are wise to avoid it.
I find most libertarians quickly backtrack when faced with the real consequences of their faith. Bars that say "No Jewgirls" (presumably heavily patronized by Jewish men), or no sexual harrassment laws. No national parks. Casino-brothels-drug dens in downtown Los Angeles, advertised by big neon lights and moving 3-D imagery.
Most libertarians invent a watered-down form of their faith, which usually results in a "Republican who likes to smoke pot" stereotype being fulfilled.
In other words, "I am not for regulations except when I am, as designed by me."
Back to drunks carrying concealed weapons--what is the libertarian view? As a practical matter, could you prevent such a practice from being commonplace? And would you go out on the street in your undies and rollers to accost drunks anymore (one of your favorite pastimes, as least you blog about it a lot)?
i-hole joe-joe at July 14, 2009 10:36 AM
Sheesh. This just gets worse and worse. Your pal "Brian" authors some sort of dim-witted blog, which does not give his physical address, though from commentary it suggests Connecticut is his home.
He is going to fly (or, more likely, take a Greyhound bus) across country to throw a brick through my window? This is your shining example of manhood?
I hope he has a good arm--my window is about 30 years from the street. Maybe a small brick.
Is he coming the same night of your serenade?
Can you please coordinate?
Remember, you are the one coming dressed as a Hustler girl, and serenading me with the Gettysburg Address, and he is the one throwing the brick. Vice-versa is not invited.
i-hole joe-joe at July 14, 2009 10:58 AM
Actually, douchebag, I threatened no such thing. Simply suggested that an asshole such as yourself would consider his words more carefully upon being disabused of the notion of internet anonymity.
But if you were anything more than a marginal thinker, you'd have the mastery of the English language required to comprehend that. Or my blog.
Projection is a sorry trait in the feeble-minded.
Oh, and you might want to re-evaluate the whole "drunks with guns" thing, because I highly doubt that the occurrence of "shooting an uppity bitch in the street while drunk" is common.
But then again, marginal thinkers are marginal thinkers for a reason.
brian at July 14, 2009 11:08 AM
There is no such thing as a respectful drunk. Happy drunks and mean drunks, but no respectful drunks. (And they all are LOUD.)
You're very lucky that they are responding to the baby story, so keep it up for as long as it works. Just please be careful! (Tell me you have protection! If you don't, maybe you should consider it?) I wouldn't want to read a blog about how you were beat up by some drunk in the middle of the night.
Truth at July 14, 2009 11:49 AM
Brian Corbino of Connecticut: You are not going to throw a brick through my window at 4am? (And yes, you did suggest it, but now are sticking your tail between your legs upon being exposed). I guess that means your Greyhound bus trip from Connecticut to Los Angeles is off?
BTW, you think I would not express my views if threatened with physical violence? You are probably right.
Who would? If someone throws a brick through my window at 4 am due to some blog-poo-poo, yes I would stop posting on that blog. Your threats, if carried out, would be effective. And I doubt the LAPD would ever arrest you, if you drive off quickly after launching your missile.
I guess this means the 2 am Gettysburg Address, to be delivered ala natural by Ms. Alkon, is always a no-go.
You know...blogging is not sub for a real life. I keep hoping, but no, nothing real ever happens from blogging. It is like Nixon's froth to the beer. Plato's cave. A sexless date. It is what you do when you are bored at work, but cannot leave.
Blogging...seems like watching a movie, rather than doing something worthy of being in a movie.
Keep on blogging.
i-hole at July 14, 2009 1:26 PM
So post your address already, I'm just about willing to throw a brick thru your window myself
lujlp at July 14, 2009 4:52 PM
brian:
Joe hole -
Please re read that. Tell me where it constitutes a threat or even an offer of a specific attack on you by me. It doesn't even constitute incitement.
But you are such a total fucking loser that you need to make shit up in blog comments to make yourself feel human.
And if blogging is such a useless activity, then what the fuck is trolling the comment section of a blog? Given your twisted calculus, I'd say it makes you sub-human.
brian at July 14, 2009 5:08 PM
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