Women With Mustaches
Late-night dining with my late friend Marlowe Minnick, New York City
IN MY WORLD, a friend is somebody who tells a woman friend when she's got spinach between her teeth, her dressed tuck into the back of her nylons, or a strip of fur doing a little march across her upper lip. Friends who are really acquaintances keep silent. Avoiding discomfort means more to them than clueing their friend in.
Of course, letting a mustachioed friend know would be something you'd do tactfully -- maybe taking your friend for a girls-getting-their-nails-done session, and working in a suggestion for a lip wax; maybe from one of the nail-ticians.
There's also the gentle mention -- "Hey, did you know you have the faintest line of hair just above your lip?" (Saying it that way even if it's "faint" like the African bush.)
Anyway, I thought to post this because sometimes you see women out there who you're pretty sure don't have mustaches on purpose, but have mustaches just the same.
Now, maybe these mustachioed women have eye issues and can't see their 'staches, but what about all their friends? You really have to wonder, HOW DO ALL THEIR FRIENDS LET THEM WALK AROUND WITH NOTICEABLE FACIAL HAIR?!
One time I was working in a large department store on a Saturday and I was wearing a long skirt with a slit up the back. I went to the bathroom and, unbeknownst to me at the time, exited with one of the sides of my skirt tucked into my tights. About two hours later, I noticed it and asked the woman I was working with why she didn't tell me. Her answer? "I thought you wanted it that way." Really? You thought I was washing my hands in the bathroom and thinking "You know what would look really good? If I tucked part of my skirt into the back of my tights." Luckily, the construction of my skirt meant I didn't expose anything, but I wondered at all the people I had passed in those two hours that didn't tell me. Oddly, the woman I was working with had no problem telling me if I had food in my teeth.
NumberSix at March 19, 2010 12:13 AM
Ain't no thang.
(By the way, was this a topic in here recently? Nobody knows nuthin'.)
Crid [CridComment at gmail] at March 19, 2010 12:43 AM
People learn to say nothing as when we do we get yelled at. It started with "Dear or Girlfriend you are starting to get chunky!". Next came a torrent of abuse then tears or if a man indignation. Me I do not likely getting abused so I will not clue some one in to their silly look.
You might not know that woman you tell she has side burns makes her look like MacGyver's twin sister. But next she are being yelled and be accused you are part of the military industrial complex and the over bearing Patriarchy and why must said person conform to society ideas of beauty and blah, blah, blah.
Besides aren't we all supposed to accept each other as to who they are from smelly to fat to both.
John Paulson at March 19, 2010 1:15 AM
This reminds me of the teenage daughter of a man I was dating. She was going through a goth phase when we all went out to dinner one night. She had black clothes, black nail polish, heavy black eye makeup, and her hair twisted into a wild style. She even had black lipstick that was bleeding around her mouth.
Part way through dinner she headed off to the rest room and came back to the table almost in tears saying, "Why didn't you tell me my lipstick was like that?!?!?"
We didn't know it wasn't supposed to be like that! We just figured it was all part of the look.
Brenda Thomas at March 19, 2010 2:53 AM
I had a great time at a yaki-niku ('hibachi' in the US) party, and got home and found out I had mascara raccoon eyes. Damn! I don't do the usual female pilgrimage-to-the-bathroom thing and had NO idea till I got home. Tell a girl, willya?
I always tweeze my MILs upper lip, even though she's in Stage 5 Alzheimer's she'd be mortified if she thought she had a moustache.
The rotten thing about getting old is that when those errant hairs start to come in, at the same time your eyes go to pot and you can't see them! No fairs!
crella at March 19, 2010 4:43 AM
Once saw a woman on an elevator with a scoop-neck top and, believe it or not, hair growing out of her chest. Even if I'd known her, I'd have had no idea what to say.
old rpm daddy at March 19, 2010 4:46 AM
I read once that an acceptable euphemism for a gentlemen to inform a lady he didn't know personally that her underslip was peeping from beneath her skirt was:
"Pardon me, ma'am, but it's snowing down below..."
(I would have thought that if referring directly to a stranger's undergarments was thought too forward, telling her that something strange was happening to her "down below" was even riskier!)
Jody Tresidder at March 19, 2010 4:53 AM
I will usually let someone I know, as discreetly as possible, that they've got some hair action going on, but if I don't know them, I'm not really comfortable saying anything. The other person might take offense, or a swing at me!
I've been plucking random stray eyebrow hairs from my chin for the past 3 years now! Didja see the pic of Madonna's daughter? My #2 has that eyebrow thing going on. Not quite as bad, not quite a uni-brow, but I take her to get it waxed maybe once a month. Fortunately, there's no mustache action going on for any of us just yet.
Flynne at March 19, 2010 5:20 AM
I'm a blonde (maybe my head-hair isn't quite as naturally light as I keep it...). All my hair is light and fine. Mascara is my desert island make up product.
In other words, being a hairy beast isn't really a big problem for me.
...BUT NOW I AM TOTALLY PARANOID, JESUS CHRIST! Eva Longoria has a stache?!?! That *has* to be photo-shopped - no way she or one of her ten dozen personal slaves didn't notice that and walk up with a spatula of hot wax and a cloth strip, slap it on and rip it off without missing a fucking beat.
If I am ever laid up in a coma my mom and sister have explicit instructions to make sure my face is exfoliated, moisturized and stray hairs plucked. That's what family does.
Has anyone tried those shady, yet incredibly intriguing, threading booths that are at malls?
Gretchen at March 19, 2010 5:43 AM
When I was in school in scenic Northampton, MA, there was a bearded lady who ran a piercing shop. She was very into having a beard. Her shop was called "The Bearded Lady". I think she also gave S&M lessons but I'm not sure. She was very popular with the student population. Got lots of action from the just-cut-my-hair-and-bought-birkenstock baby lesbians.
NicoleK at March 19, 2010 5:54 AM
Gretchen, I have my eyebrows, and my upper lip threaded, although not at the mall. But I love threading. Even though wax isn't really hot, I would end up peeling from the burn I would get. No burn with threading, and it doesn't hurt nearly as bad as when they rip the hair out.
sara at March 19, 2010 5:59 AM
Has anyone tried those shady, yet incredibly intriguing, threading booths that are at malls?
Nah, they scare me. I mean, what exactly is "threading"? Sara? Insights? How is it done? Does it hurt? Why have it done at all? Inquiring minds want to know!
o.O
Flynne at March 19, 2010 6:06 AM
If it's light, I won't notice it. I don't pay much attention to that stuff. If it's dark, she knows. She knows.
I shaved my mother's beard before her last surgery. She didn't want the doctor who was about to see her intestines to see her with a beard. Vanity is fun sometimes.
MonicaP at March 19, 2010 6:16 AM
Flynne, I love threading. It's a little uncomfortable at first, but I think it is better than waxing. It's less painful, less messy, and lasts longer. I would give it a go if I were you.
Sabrina at March 19, 2010 6:26 AM
Threading is where they pull the hairs out with a twisted thread.
And Crella, you're wonderful for this: "I always tweeze my MILs upper lip, even though she's in Stage 5 Alzheimer's she'd be mortified if she thought she had a moustache."
I had a close friend in a nursing home with brain damage. Mercifully, she eventually died. I came out to see her as often as I could, but I was in California and the nursing home was in the East Village in New York. I always brought a tweezers with me, and I told other women who visited her to please do the same.
Amy Alkon at March 19, 2010 6:39 AM
"Even though wax isn't really hot, I would end up peeling from the burn I would get."
Just a thought/PSA: Are you using a retinol (e.g: Retin A)? If you do, waxing could cause top layers of the skin to come off with the strip - which isn't supposed to happen. That could cause scarring in severe cases. Stopping the retinol product for a week before getting waxed should prevent this. But if threading works, I guess it doesn't matter.
Does threading really get rid of it all? I have pretty fine hairs between the brows and such. It's like a peach fuzz. Almost impossible to get with tweezers, but waxing gets it all. Yanno what I'm talking about - does threading get those little bastards?
Gretchen at March 19, 2010 7:10 AM
First time I told my wife to "Hold Still" and I tweezed a hair I saw on her chin, she was a bit mortified. Now it is expected. i don't mind.
mbruce at March 19, 2010 7:42 AM
When I was working at a Dollar store in high school, there was a regular customer who had pretty much a full mustache, which she highlighted by wearing the brightest shade of coral lipstick possible. Lovely
Jaelynn at March 19, 2010 7:59 AM
How can you POSSIBLY look in a mirror every day and NOT know you have a mustache?
I'm seriously asking.
Ann at March 19, 2010 8:04 AM
Ah, okay, thanks Sabrina, Amy. I might give it a shot.
o.O
Flynne at March 19, 2010 8:04 AM
I just don't know what to think about this. I am one of those ladies that is covered with peach fuzz. I've wax if I feel that I *have to* because often I look worse after I do so. I get folliculitus (the hair follicles become inflamed ad I break out in pimples). In addition waxing doesn't get the "baby hairs" that are too fine. They go over the area again with tweezers. Going over the area with a laser after the waxing kills the bacteria that cause the folliculitis. Of course, with the peach fuzz that I have, when the lip is done, the chin stands out, when the chin is done, the cheeks stand out, and so on. I don't know if it is worth it for fine blond hair that never gets over 1/8 of an inch long.
Of course, when that's done, people may say something about my hairy arms or abdomen. I shave my legs, underarms, and bikini line daily (sometimes more often). It feels disgusting after just an hour or two. Sometimes, I think the hair removal carousel is one I would like to just step off of. We have developed such a repulsion for something natural. At least long hairs don't scratch.
Jen at March 19, 2010 8:04 AM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2010/03/19/women_with_must.html#comment-1702783">comment from AnnHow can you POSSIBLY look in a mirror every day and NOT know you have a mustache? I'm seriously asking.
People who don't have very good vision might not know.
Amy Alkon at March 19, 2010 8:07 AM
I recall a really awkward work moment from some years ago... I was in a meeting, with a group of about 20 people, where a female co-worker was to give an important presentation. Everybody was filing in; I had gotten there early and already had a seat. My co-worker arrived and sat down the stack of copies of the slides for people to pick up, but then she decided she wanted to go to the restroom before the meeting started.
So I was sitting in my seat, idly looking over the presentation and glancing around the room, when I saw her come back through the door... and immediately I noticed that her zipper was down. She was wearing slacks, and with the way the room was arranged, her crotch was going to be just about perfectly at eye level for everyone sitting at the table. There were already a number of people in the room; it was time to start, and I was desperately trying to think of a way to let her know without drawing the whole room's attention to it.
So I asked her to come sit with me for a moment, under the pretense of wanting to discuss how to talk up one of the slides. Problem was, she was all amped up to start the presentation -- and she got feisty with me about it! So for a couple of minutes, we're having a pseudo-argument about a slide, and meanwhile she's standing in front of me and her fly is hanging open right at my eye level and I can see her panties through it... well, eventually I got her to sit down, and then I whispered "XYZ!" in her ear. She looked at her crotch, and I think her face turned twenty shades of red. She zipped it up, but then I could tell she needed a moment to compose herself, so I made a show of "informing" her of something that she already knew about. In a minute, she got it back together and went to the front of the room to start her presentation.
It went well, although I did notice that she occasionally cast her eyes downward, as if she didn't trust her zipper to stay put. Afterwards, she thanked me and we had a good laugh about it. She told me that when I was trying to get her to sit down, she kept thinking, "why does this idiot want to talk about this slide again? We've been over this a million times!" She had no idea what the problem was until I told her.
Come to think about it, I don't think I ever saw her wear those slacks again...
Cousin Dave at March 19, 2010 8:08 AM
"First time I told my wife to "Hold Still" and I tweezed a hair I saw on her chin, she was a bit mortified. Now it is expected. i don't mind."
A man has to do, what a man has to do! Extra props if you kept a straight face and kissed her after.
Everyone needs to keep that shit in check. Maybe she needs a magnifying mirror, b/c doing it herself could make her feel like this thing is more of a little secret. Hair in strange places falls under the "air of mystery" umbrella which we all need to maintain when living w/ people we also want to have good sex with.
Dave knows that if he ever sprouts a forest on his back he's expected to get the whole thing taken care of. Don't care how. Don't care if it hurts (um, hello - I get somewhere else waxed, for his enjoyment, so he can live with the pain).
A hairy back is akin to gaining 50 lbs of pure blubber in my mind. I consider it giving up, and a sign that he isn't interested in keeping me, or the relationship, around anymore. Barring some kind of freak medical illness, I'd let him know the bedroom was closed for business and probably take a hike. If we have kids, it would be necessary to stay together and be good to each other - but please know I'll find a boyfriend. We've had this talk; it's one of the things you need to bring up before marriage.
We have our limits. Best to get them out in the open in the beginning.
Gotta keep it fresh with a little GTL, baby. (I hope someone here gets that...?)
Gretchen at March 19, 2010 8:10 AM
I don't watch http://tiny.cc/JerseyShore380, but GTL = Gym, Tan, Laundry, right?
o.O
Flynne at March 19, 2010 8:18 AM
Flynne, you made me laugh with the chin hair thing. I'm pretty fair and was never very hairy but all of a sudden the past year or so when I entered my 40's, I'd see this long hair on my chin that grew overnight. I am now obsessed with a maginifying mirror to make sure no stray hair goes unplucked!!
As far as people not seeing their own mustache, sometimes when you get used to something you don't even realize it. I personally think I'd notice, but you never know. If its a friend, I say something nicely. If its not a friend, I mind my business!
Kristen at March 19, 2010 8:50 AM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2010/03/19/women_with_must.html#comment-1702796">comment from KristenIf you have peach fuzz above your lip, you can get a small scissors at Sally's Beauty Supply (where the frugal like me shop for many items) and just trim so you won't look like Wild Bill Hickock.
Amy Alkon at March 19, 2010 8:57 AM
Encroaching upper-lip hair is the bane of a gal's existence as she reaches middle age! I tweeze mine, thanks to my super-magnifying mirror.
DorianTB at March 19, 2010 9:41 AM
That picture rocks!
Sabrina at March 19, 2010 9:44 AM
> She didn't want the doctor who was about
> to see her intestines to see her with a beard
Blog Comment of the month, March/Alkon.
Crid [CridComment at gmail] at March 19, 2010 10:00 AM
Reminds me of driving past the Castro one Easter Sunday morning. Two women in long 1890's dresses, complete with parasols, were strolling up the sidewalk. The ex and I supposed, well, San Francisco, somebody's dressing up old school for Easter -- and then noticed their full beards.
Total Rodney Dangerfield moment: "Er, looks good on YOU, though!".
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at March 19, 2010 10:01 AM
I'm like Jen, I got the peach fuzz. In fact, one of the definitions of my name is "Downy Face"! So I guess it's my dad's fault for giving me my name.
I fully expect female facial hair products to be the next big thing. (Unless they already are and I missed it.) I have only seen advertisements for the teeny tiny little razor that they try to avoid calling what it is.
To hell with all this avoidance, I'm waiting for the new 5-blade LadyBeard Deluxe!
It reminds me of the advertisements I used to see in my sister's True Confession magazines, showing women holding phallic vibrators alongside their necks or shoulder blades.
And in the other types of embarrassment department: My husband and I saw a striking young lady one afternoon, dressed to kill. (Not slutty, more Top Model.) She was strutting (yep, strutting) across the parking lot to the door of a nice restaurant. She was moving fast and we weren't able to to get the car turned around in time to let her know that the back of her short skirt was totally tucked into her panty hose.
Pricklypear at March 19, 2010 10:05 AM
Gosh, thanks for reminding me, I need to shave one of these days. Here people don't care, men go around in various stages as a matter of course, except for politicians and business people. We even have an old uncle everyone calls Osama.
The interesting thing is my wife doesn't care. I'll fuss around shaving before I go out in public, and my wife asks what does it matter? No one cares, she says. Yet, she is fussy about her own appearance. Perhaps my attitude is a hold-over from military service in the 60's? And, who knows, perhaps her view is related to hormonal tendencies some women have to prefer a grizzly man? There is no doubt if she didn't like it, I'd hear about it.
What I find interesting is seeing women with spike heels walking half a mile downtown on a rocky road. I like watching them walk, heh, heh, but I'd think it would cripple them. I sometimes have a mad urge to shout out my window, "Hey, hon, if he doesn't like you without those spike heels, he's a loser. Dump him and get some comfortable flats so you can still walk when you're sixty."
irlandes at March 19, 2010 10:13 AM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2010/03/19/women_with_must.html#comment-1702814">comment from irlandesI actually like how men look with a bit of growth on their faces. I think Gregg looks adorable -- he was sort of unshaven the day we met, and it made me want to jump him right there in the Apple store.
Amy Alkon at March 19, 2010 10:17 AM
The following ONLY works if you have a handy male chum or partner - and who will understand when you explain later!
If you see someone in a gathering with their pants unzipped and it's just too awkward to make a direct approach, say directly to the guy you DO know in a pleasant - but carrying - voice: "Hey - I think the zip on your trousers needs attention?"
Men have a Pavlovian reaction to hearing "zip" and "trousers" in public, and every guy within earshot will perform a hasty check, including the guy with the genuine half mast.
Jody Tresidder at March 19, 2010 11:27 AM
This post made me laugh! I was just lammenting this morning that I was out of wax and needed to buy some pronto. Being 1/2 Asian, I've got the dark hair that announces its arrival on my lip if I'm not careful.
My mother almost always refuses to wax her lip. The only time she'll allow us to do it is for special occassions! Her reason? "In my country, it's a sign of wisdom." I told her, "Mom, then you must be a gosh-darn genius. And, this is America!" She laughed while I got the wax going in the microwave. I don't know why she doesn't keep up with it... even Mom agrees she looks so much better without the moustache.
I've come to learn, by tactfully hinting to others about their need to wax, that some women (of various cultures) truly don't mind the facial hair. Weird, huh?
Karen M at March 19, 2010 11:36 AM
Gretchen, no retinol, just very delicate skin around my eyebrows. I always end up with a slight burn. As for the waxing of the lip, let's just say I relive my teenage years a couple of days later. My skin really doesn't like the powder, wax, soothing gel/oil they use. Threading, like Amy said, is just pulling the hairs out with twisted thread. They get pretty much everything and it truly is an art if you ask me. I like it because I don't have the nasty side effects I have with waxing. Word of warning though - you gotta let the hairs grow out quite a bit before they can thread.
sara at March 19, 2010 1:55 PM
Normally I don't care for female 'staches, but one time I had to go to a 2-hour organizational meeting with a 30is woman who had natural sideburns. She had a long, austere-looking face with no other hair anomalies so it really stood out.
I was FASCINATED!! It actually looked really good on her, gave her a wolfish look. Wouldn't have worked on anyone else. I don't think it was intentional, she didn't seem vain or contrived about her appearance.
The only weirder thing I've ever seen was a guy with bifurcated thumbs on each otherwise perfect hand. They split at the second joint, and each "end" had a perfect thumbnail. Like a two-headed snake.
vi at March 19, 2010 2:44 PM
AMY!
I turned on the tv and it just so happens to be on Dr. Phil because that was the last channel that the tv was on. It caught my attention because the episode is about rudeness. And look who I see? YOU~!
You look great!
Sabrina at March 19, 2010 2:47 PM
'And Crella, you're wonderful for this'
I just know how embarrassed she'd be if she was as aware as she was before. I take her to the hairdressers to keep her hair colored too,she loves to go but would forget without my reminders. After 30 years I know what she's a stickler for! It's the least I can do to preserve her dignity.
'Pardon me, ma'am, but it's snowing down below..."
It's 'snowing down South' is the correct phrase I believe :-D
crella at March 19, 2010 3:10 PM
Men have hair all over our bodies because we're evolved apes. So if you don't like that - take a hike!
Crusader at March 19, 2010 4:26 PM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2010/03/19/women_with_must.html#comment-1702869">comment from SabrinaAMY! I turned on the tv and it just so happens to be on Dr. Phil because that was the last channel that the tv was on. It caught my attention because the episode is about rudeness. And look who I see? YOU~! You look great!
Thanks so much, Sabrina. Had no idea they re-aired it!
Amy Alkon at March 19, 2010 4:40 PM
>>It's 'snowing down South' is the correct phrase I believe :-D
Crella,
That makes far more sense than the way I'd remembered it (thanks.)
Jody Tresidder at March 20, 2010 7:23 AM
Threading HURTS! I'd rather do the wax, any day.
NicoleDSKrieger at March 20, 2010 9:35 AM
My pleasure. I'm old enough that it was in use in my childhood :-D
crella at March 21, 2010 2:13 AM
I saw once a woman on the street with her skirt's zipper off and her panties were visible to everyone. I told her, but it took me some courage to find the correct words. And I wouldn't be able to tell my friend about mustache I have to admit!
Ruby Schelters at January 8, 2014 5:19 AM
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