Letters From The Cellular Front
And related fronts. A reader writes:
Not so long ago, I called a friend of mine who lives in Seattle. Part way through our conversation, she burst out laughing. I asked what was so funny, and she allowed as how she really shouldn't tell me. Of course, this wasn't good enough. So I pressed her and she admitted she was on her cell phone and stuck in traffic. Ahead of her was a pickup truck with a loaded gun rack in the rear window. Also in the rear window, she said, was a large sticker that read, "If that cell phone was up your ass, you'd be a better driver." At that point, I suggested we might be wise to carry on our talk later when she got into the office.A friend and co-worker in my office related the story of going recently to the nearby ATM in a bank lobby and becoming more and more disturbed by a man who, despite plenty of room, was waiting his turn, about a foot behind her. She said she got about half way thorough her transaction and decided enough was enough. She turned, stood up on her toes, put her face in his and shouted, "Back off!" She said he was so startled he almost fell down backing up. Then, she said, she smiled sweetly, turned back to the machine and finished her withdrawal.
"She turned, stood up on her toes, put her face in his and shouted, "Back off!""...
That is just as rude as he was being and I would want to punch someone for being so horrible. Whatever happened to politely asking people to respect a personal space? "Excuse me sir, you're standing too close and it is making me uncomfortable. Would you please step back?". Why is that so hard?? Obviously the guy is oblivious but that is no excuse for being so aggressive. First you ask nicely, then you insist.
Just sayin...
Karen at March 25, 2010 7:37 AM
I'm glad I'm not the only one who experiences this. I have encountered this several times at the grocery store. People in line behind you pushing there cart into yours, or in to you.
I finally glared at a woman that was oblivious that her cart was ramming me in the back. She gave a meek I'm sorry, but how clueless can you be? There are other people that live in the world besides you!.
David M. at March 25, 2010 8:04 AM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2010/03/25/letters_from_th_1.html#comment-1704317">comment from David M.My favorite are people who say they're sorry but clearly aren't in the slightest. A guy kept ramming the back of my new boots in an airport line to the ticket counter a few years back, then saying he was sorry. If you're sorry, truly sorry, you take precautions not to do it again, and make that actual wee effort to be mindful.
Amy Alkon at March 25, 2010 8:10 AM
Soft-core boundary violations in public or social scenarios can be very problematic because the forcefulness that is often necessary to get the offender to mend his or her ways is labeled as an escalation of rudeness when, in fact, it was the thoughtlessness of the offender that started the whole thing. It's a huge conundrum, especially for people who've been socialized to be "nice" all the time. They end up shrinking and shrinking from the loomers and the shopping cart bumpers because they want to AVOID social confrontations where they will inevitably end up looking like the bad guy just for standing up for themselves!
An added difficulty is that the offender is usually not doing it intentionally. A lot of people just have very poor body awareness and they don't know how to read the signs of discomfort in those around them. I had to break up with a very well-meaning but oblivious fellow because I couldn't turn around in public without bumping into him, and every time I peered up in a cafe or club to people-watch, all I could see was his chest like a giant wall less than 2 feet from my face. UGH. But it wasn't his fault. He was well-mannered enough. Just blind and deaf! It's possible that I could have trained him with a Taser or other painful shock instrument - not going there.
It's strange how many people have no idea how to use their peripheral vision to pay attention to what's happening in their immediate vicinity, say 20 feet. Manhattanites all seem to be born with the instinct to dance around people on the streets so everyone can rush to where they're going without crashing into fellow pedestrians. In some areas, standing too close to people can be downright dangerous. That guy at the ATM was lucky he didn't lose a tooth. But I bet he wouldn't ever loom over someone again if he had.
A soft-core boundary violation is something that impinges on someone's physical space: looming, standing too close, bumping, blocking someone's field of vision, staring too hard or too fixedly, touching their arm, breathing on them, etc. A lot of these are culturally conditioned and learning social appropriateness is a main part of early socialization and learning good manners. After all, a "gentleman" can't hold a door for a "lady" unless he NOTICES that one is approaching! Even if you don't believe in stereotyped sex roles - especially if you don't - it's essential to pay attention to reading the people around you as best you can.
The safety factor is important as well. People who've grown up in rough areas or who maybe have been in prison, or in combat, or in biker bars, whatever, have to know what the convention is for how close to get to someone, and what to do if they have to violate that convention. Everyone else has such a sense of entitlement that maybe they think they've got a total right to move however they want, wherever they want, without having to pay attention to anyone other than drivers who might run them over, or cops!
I would love to come up with a set of responses to things like this that didn't involve slapping, bumping, yelling, shoving, or Tasing… ideally the offender would experience a sudden and overwhelming urge to move back about 10 feet - BUT THEY WOULDN'T KNOW WHY. I'm fine with fighting a mugger, not so fine with social harassment from "friends". It's a huge handicap.
Any ideas???
vi at March 25, 2010 11:32 AM
Heh. My #1 has absolutely NO problem telling people: "You're in my bubble!" and then gesturing an imaginary line around her that she doesn't want you to cross! I saw her do this in the mall one day when I went to pick her up. She and a few of her friends were all walking out of Border's, into the main concourse, and a guy walked out behind them, almost on her heels. She felt him behind her, it looked like to me, and she stopped, turned around, looked him right in the eye and said "you're in my bubble." Not loudly, just matter-of-factly, and he mumbled "oh excuse me", turned beet red, ducked his head and went on his way. Her friends thought it was hilarious!
Flynne at March 25, 2010 12:57 PM
The response in the bank was not necessary. Just turn around and ask the person to give some space and privacy. Its possible the man was in a rush or caught up and was not paying attention. I'm not trying to justify it for him, but sometimes there are simple explanations and maybe if we'd meet people behaving rudely with a polite response as opposed to more rudeness, we'd go a long way.
Kristen at March 25, 2010 1:11 PM
*I* might have said: "Are you trying to read my password? No? Then please don't act that way."
Funny thing is, George Carlin felt differently about it; he complained (I think it was in "When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?") of being pissed off whenever he saw a line of people, leading to one service person, where the second person in line always stood several feet back from the first. He couldn't seem to remember the valid reasons that might be happening - such as when the service person is a pharmacist making confidential conversation with the customer. Or a bank teller. Etc, etc.
lenona at March 25, 2010 6:49 PM
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