Slim Jim?
Question for all you women -- would you date a man who's much, much thinner than you? One of those "built like a papercut" guys? Why or why not?
Slim Jim?
Question for all you women -- would you date a man who's much, much thinner than you? One of those "built like a papercut" guys? Why or why not?
I like 'em lean! My boyfriend is definitely very lean, and when we first started dating, was much thinner than me. I wasn't overweight, but I was on the high end of normal for my height and frame. We're more even now that I've been working out and boxing, but I never had an issue with him being thinner.
Allison at September 10, 2010 7:47 AM
I'm am five foot ten and have a fairly athletic build. I'm not a chunkster but I'm also not some delicate flower. I could never date a guy much slimmer than me. I did when I was 15 and wasn't really into him. Maybe it has more to do with my feelings about myself - wanting to feel more feminine (and therefore smaller than a guy) and more protected.
I'm marrying a guy who is maybe a hair shorter than me and build like a brick house. He does MMA in his spare time (and now I do, too - I LOVE IT) and I know how powerful and skilled he is at fighting. It's very primal and makes me feel safer and more attracted to him.
That said. There are some guys who fight at 155 and have no fat on their bodies (so they're pretty narrow dudes!) and kick SERIOUS ass and are wicked strong...they've got sexy abs and everything...but I would still feel like I'd crush them if I sat on their laps. So it's more of a case of relative size than absolute size, I think.
Dave is mild mannered, calm, rational and a great listener. He can also pick me up and throw me over his shoulder without any effort. Sometimes women just need a caveman.
Gretchen at September 10, 2010 7:51 AM
NO-- Definitely and without question.
My Ex was one of those skinny guys and though he ate well and went to the gym every day, his muscles were just tiny ripples on his arms and stomach. When he would wear an undershirt, not only would his waist cinch tighter than mine, but he literally looked almost anorexic.
Additionally, I have come to realize that mass often can be mistaken for height. I know men who were shorter but because they worked out and were better built seemed tall. This boy, on the other hand, was fairly tall himself, but literally disappeared when he turned sideways. Not fun.
Etel at September 10, 2010 7:56 AM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2010/09/10/slim_jim.html#comment-1752898">comment from EtelHi, Etel!
And to all of you who are okay with thinner men...do they have to be muscular?
I like this new show Covert Affairs. On it, there's this guy who plays the nerdy blind guy computer genius. I found him underhot -- until they shot him without his shirt.
http://www.tvguide.com/celebrities/christopher-gorham/144771
http://www.chicagonow.com/blogs/show-patrol/2010/08/christopher-gorham-of-covert-affairs-shirtless-man-of-the-week.html
Amy Alkon at September 10, 2010 8:09 AM
It really depends on if its David Beckham soccer player thin or Mick Jagger skinny thin. Yes, I know Mick gets the ladies, but not because women find that skinny body so sexy.
Kristen at September 10, 2010 9:10 AM
If he was very tall. I wouldn't want to feel like I could easily overpower him.
NicoleK at September 10, 2010 9:16 AM
I need to amend that... I'm married, so I wouldn't date anyone besides my husband! I meant IF I were single.
NicoleK at September 10, 2010 9:17 AM
Hell no.
The sex is terrible. Weird slapping noises and flinging sweat. It's gross.
Good thing I found a man with meat on his bones. (Very happily married.) Unfortunately, I gained a few pounds this past year and it's getting difficult to get a good angle for orgasm. I'm cutting the carbs now and going to be a bit more active til it's gone.
So, yeah. Body shape makes a difference in who I'll be with.
Lauren at September 10, 2010 9:26 AM
YES. Fat = unhealthy and stinky and gross. Thin = young and active.
LP at September 10, 2010 9:27 AM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2010/09/10/slim_jim.html#comment-1752946">comment from LPBut, thinner than you are?
Amy Alkon at September 10, 2010 9:36 AM
I wonder how much of the problem is related to the truism that standing close to someone who is much thinner makes you look just that much wider. Or vice-versa.
Contrast is not our friend.
alittlesense at September 10, 2010 9:56 AM
Well, what do we mean by thinner than me? I weigh less than my thin boyfriend, and he's much stronger than me, but I have more body fat and am softer. My boyfriend has no fat because he's built that way and because his bicycle is his only means of transportation. I'm athletic (ie, not twiggy) and short. It works out fine, but I also don't have body image and self confidence issues like a lot of women. I also prefer lean muscle over heavily muscled, because the gym rat lifestyle isn't one I find appealing. I wouldn't want an boyfriend who wasn't fit, however.
Sam at September 10, 2010 10:07 AM
I'm tall and pretty athletic. For six years, starting my junior year of high school, I dated a really skinny guy with a fast metabolism. He was about an inch taller than me, thin as a reed.
As much as I hate to admit being so superficial, even if I wasn't happily married, I would never do it again. I felt like I was going to break him every time we had sex.
And I really much prefer feeling like I could easily be overpowered.
Jessica F. at September 10, 2010 10:08 AM
*I also don't really relate to the need to feel protected or overpowered - that's not something I look for. My boyfriend is physically a lot stronger than me but frankly I think I'm the more dangerous one to piss off.
I have another friend whose boyfriend is about her height or shorter, but lifts a lot so he's big for his height. She says that's the combination she prefers, because she likes muscles but doesn't like feeling too overpowered, so shorter men are more comfortable for her.
Sam at September 10, 2010 10:16 AM
I'm 5'8 and I like a guy who's at least 50 pounds bigger than me. So if he's 6'4 he could be pretty skinny at that weight but if he's 5'11 he's probably going to have to be fairly muscular. I feel like smaller girls usually don't care as much.
Shannon at September 10, 2010 10:41 AM
Nah. I like 'em a little chunky.
MonicaP at September 10, 2010 10:45 AM
I'll put a vote in for the Mick Jagger skinny kind of guys. Although I'm married to a more "average" build kind of guy, I dated a number of "skinny" ones. I'm 5'3" and 110, and have some curves, but I've never felt like I was stronger or tougher than them.
Unlike those of you who've suggested it feels like they might break during sex, I've always quite enjoyed that prominent pelvic bone when they're on their backs. And I never broke a single one of them!
moreta at September 10, 2010 11:11 AM
I don't find skinny men attractive. They look more like prepubescent boys than men. So, no, I would not date a man skinnier than me. Tall or short matters not but give me a man with strong shoulders and some meat on his bone.
Ingrid at September 10, 2010 11:19 AM
I'm not attracted to skinny guys. They don't have to be super muscular but they do need to have some meat on their bones. The super skinny ones kind of freak me out, actually.
Ann at September 10, 2010 11:24 AM
Amy, that photo of the guy from Covert Affairs looks like the incredible hulk compared to my ex. I'm 5'9" and 140 - pretty normal for my height. He was 6'2" and 140 - the definition of skin & bones. It ended for other reasons, but I had some moments where I wondered if the physical stuff would become a deal breaker. He didn't seem to have any issues with me, but a lot of times, I either felt really big (usually not hung up on body issues) like I was going to break him or that he looked like an adolescent (which creeped me out a bit). I wouldn't necessarily rule out a guy because he was skinny, but it wouldn't be a first choice again.
Penny at September 10, 2010 11:30 AM
Weird Harold was six six and weighed fifty pounds; we used to use him to get the football out of the sewer. -- Bill Cosby
vermindust at September 10, 2010 12:31 PM
I LOVE skinny guys as long as they're tall as well (just because the two traits seem to complement each other). Lean and lanky - yum. Throw in good dress sense and possibly an English accent and I'm sold. Am I the only one sick enough to find Jared Leto especially hot as a heroin addict in Requiem for a Dream?
Rozzy at September 10, 2010 12:32 PM
PS - maybe this comes from a different side of women's nature - the maternal desire to care for something weak and small?
Rozzy at September 10, 2010 12:34 PM
Absolutely!
I really dislike chunkiness, and HATE the way bodybuilders look.. I think too much muscle looks just as bad as fat. I would still love my husband if he gained some weight, but I honestly don't think he ever will. He's 5'11" or 6' and weighs 145, I'm 5'7" and weigh just a few pounds less, so I definitely look thicker than him (which I'm slowly but surely losing weight, and am SO happy about!), but I don't care because he's taller than me and all lean muscle. If he were short, like my height, I don't think I'd be attracted to him. He does look young because he's lean, and has a bit of a baby face, but I'm glad because as we age, he's still going to be hot and young looking.
I don't like the stick-thin guys that have no muscle, but I would choose one over a chunker.
Aaaaand, I think the guy in your link, Amy, is quite hot.
Angie at September 10, 2010 1:53 PM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2010/09/10/slim_jim.html#comment-1752999">comment from AngieEv psych studies I've read and heard presented indicate that most women want a guy with an "average" build-- not one of those 'roidal guys, and not some skinnypole. But, with that classic vee -- the broad shoulders and the narrow waist. Flat stomachs are a plus, but women will go for men with a higher BMI, and being rich makes up for all sorts of things that would otherwise be considered flaws. Not that your jet will make you more physically attractive, but that a woman might find a way to have sex with you anyway.
Amy Alkon at September 10, 2010 2:04 PM
I prefer chunky (not enormously obese) to the bodybuilder look. It looks very plastic and unnatural -- like I'm supposed to look at them but not touch them. I'm talking about guys who really are bodybuilders, either amateur or pro, not guys who are just fit.
MonicaP at September 10, 2010 2:09 PM
Yes, that's all my exes, really.
That said, skinny does look better on taller than on smaller guys, to be honest. I'm not sure why.
Jennifer at September 10, 2010 2:51 PM
Can't do skinny. Lean, maybe, but not skinny with that little caved-in chest.
I prefer a broad chest and shoulders, biceps, thick wrists, big hands, and hairy forearms. Darling hubby was a gymnast in his youth and still has the shape. (fans self)
Sorry guys, Amy asked.
Juliana at September 10, 2010 3:00 PM
Big hands. Oh, yeah, that's a definite turn-on. I have no idea why.
Ann at September 10, 2010 3:31 PM
Big hands mean big...gloves.
MonicaP at September 10, 2010 3:40 PM
I have never dated a guy shorter or thinner than me and can't ever imagine doing it. I like my men on the "manly" side and the skinny ones look like high school boys to me. Not hot even when I was in high school. That being said, obese is also a no-no. Average-muscular in the EP way of describing men. :-)
Catherine at September 10, 2010 3:55 PM
I would absolutely not date a man who was skinnier than me, but I am 5'4" and rarely weigh more than 105. I have "bird bones," as my cousin put it. I would feel like a pedophile with a man who was smaller than me.
I thought Christain Bale was the hottest thing EVER until he did The Machinist.
I always dated larger-than average guys, when I was dating. Husband is nine inches taller than me and outweighs me by 95 pounds.
ahw at September 10, 2010 4:19 PM
I could date a skinnier-than-me guy. I'm fairly . . . .eastern european so I'm built like a cart pony (short, strong, and boobs out to there). It wouldn't be that weird for me to find a guy that was skinnier than me attractive. But he would have to be healthy-skinny, not sickly-skinny. So yes, some kind of muscle tone would be desired.
Actually I'm pretty sure my fiance was thinner than me when we started dating. Since then we've both put on some "happy weight" we're trying to lose.
Elle at September 10, 2010 4:59 PM
Although, if I have a type, it probably leans to shorter and more muscular, I have fallen totally in lust with some very thin men and the best lover I ever had was 21 years old, inexperienced, 5'10 and maybe 140 pounds. I was 5'6" about 145 and physically very strong and fit at that point in my life. He just somehow knew how to push all the right buttons. My daughter says she is also more attracted to men with more muscle and a little more meat on them but her live in boyfriend of four years is 6'4" and about 165. In, general,for me, after some baseline criteria is met, which consists of not stupid, not morbidly obese, poor oral or personal hygiene, you know who I want to have sex with? A man I like and trust as a person who has good manners and also finds me attractive and sexy, and acts like it. I don't need a snow job, just reassurance that he thinks that sex with me would me mind blowingly fun. And as long as he has that attitude, I can guarantee it will be. :-) Isabel
Isabel1130 at September 10, 2010 5:20 PM
I have always gone for skinny elfin boys. They have to be tall, but I love that tragic goth look. That said, my husband had that build when I married him (tall, scrawny goth boy--strong as hell, on a football player's frame as regards shoulders, but practically concave). Over the years he has chunked up and probably weighs almost 100 lbs more than when I first met him--still not fat. He was really REALLY skinny, and now he's on the solid side of average. Plus, he's really tall. He's still beautiful to me, but when I'm idly man-watching, my eye is still drawn to the tragic Mick Jagger types.
The main thing for me (as others have said above) is that they have to be strong--skinny but wiry and tough. I once (briefly!) dated a guy who was my total physical ideal--6 foot 5 probably weighed less than 180, pale and gorgeous, looked great in black velvet (hey, I'm a child of the 80s. What can I say?). But one time we were joking around and I said something like, "You know I can kick your ass, right?". He looked dejected and said, "Yeah, I know." Not sexy.
Anathema at September 10, 2010 5:25 PM
Most of the above...some of the many reasons I love being a behemoth! :)
Robert at September 10, 2010 8:24 PM
Well, as a moderately well built, 55 yr, 5'9" 133lb, hard working, friendly, clean, sociable male, I can see why romantic confidence has never been easy. There are almost no women who find the sight of me remotely attractive. It's a moment where one leaps from strongly suspecting, to having no doubt (a major "Ah Ha!" moment) Time to fully accept crushing defeat and move on. Hope has been "on the outs" for a long time already. Can't blame myself, I've tried, parents were short & skinny. Let's just be friends. Don't want pity, it's not the same thing. Some effort is rewarding, but some is just sadly pathetic. Nice to know the difference. A strong, hetero drive is simply my private cross to bear. I can deal. Plenty of other things to do. (damn! hate that! I'm not even remotely gay!)
Laser Plumb Bob at September 10, 2010 11:46 PM
No! If I look at a guy and think "I could break him like a twig", I'm just not attracted ...
jen at September 11, 2010 6:54 AM
Nah... I'm smallish myself and prefer a man to be at least a little bigger than me. Doesn't have to be Arnold Schwarzenegger or anything (don't like that anyway) but I prefer just a little bigger than me. I dated someone a couple of inches shorter than me (4 years) and often just felt sort of silly to be seen with him. It also made me feel big, which I'm not (5'5" 130lbs - actually 120lbs then), and who wants to feel big as a woman? A couple of inches taller, in decent shape, and I'm good.
That said, if I met someone I really liked who happened to be on the skinny side, I might not mind. I don't particularly have an image of perfection in my head here, lol. At least it would provide some real motivation to not get fat myself, although I've done alright on that count by myself.
Thag Jones at September 11, 2010 12:45 PM
My husband is much thinner than I am. When we met he was about 130 and I was about 160. We are both 5 foot 7. We are both a bit heavier than that now, eleven years later but he is still skinnier and I am still attracted to him. He has what I call a swimmer's build ... He has the right shape (inverted triangle) and he has muscles but lean muscles.
He is definitely not as strong as men with a different type of build. My dad and my brother (both husky men with broad shoulders) can both lift me easily and there is no way my husband ever could even if he worked out a lot because he just doesn't have that build. I think for me though the issue is not relative strength compared to other men - - rather it is relative strength compared to me. There is no way I could be attracted to a man who was less strong than I am but my husband is definitely stronger than me. That is important. He is stronger than me physically -- doesn't have to be stronger than everyone. I feel he could protect me if necessary and not only because of his strength but also his personality/intelligence.
I have always been attracted to that physical type. Maybe it is related to maternal instincts as another poster said. I am not sure. I know that my fantasies since I was a teenager always revolved around geeks/etc. Think Spiderman rather than Superman! Shy/clumsy/lanky/sweet/slim/glasses/smart but awkward guys are more my style than musclemen and always have been.
Interestingly enough, in my circle of friends there are several girls of average build or a bit overweight with superslim, geeky guys. Other similar attributes seem to be that the girls are loud/outgoing/social types and the guys are shy/quiet/introverted types but very smart.
Hope this helps!
Kathryn at September 11, 2010 6:20 PM
I think Kristen nailed it with the Jagger/Beckham comparison. I like a lanky man, but I don't want to feel like I'm with a boy. Lean works well with tall, so he can be thinner, but still bigger than me overall. Especially if he has broad shoulders and chest. I'm a sucker for the triangle shape.
LL at September 12, 2010 9:16 AM
well im currently interested in a guy who weighs A LOT les than me im very nervous of how i look around him. im about 100 pounds heavier but im not huge umm im really really compact big boobs nice legs look a lil heavier than average and im short i have stayed the same weight for years so im pretty sure this is the weight i will be around most my life. anyways he looks really young and is really skinny but very very nice but i feel akward around him
jessice at November 7, 2010 12:14 PM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2010/09/10/slim_jim.html#comment-1778491">comment from jessiceJessice, there are those men out there who favor fatter women. They are in the minority, it seems, but if he's one of them, what matters is not what overall beauty standards are, but if he finds you sexy. It is damaging to a woman (or anyone) to be with somebody who really wishes you'd change somehow.
Amy Alkon at November 7, 2010 12:42 PM
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