It's Nice To Be Nice
To celebrate my op-ed on how to make the world a more considerate and less rude place, published today in the LA Times, I'm printing a little excerpt from Chapter 10 of my book I SEE RUDE PEOPLE: One woman's battle to beat some manners into impolite society:
It turns out that the bumper sticker that pretty much comes standard on every aging Volvo, "Perform random acts of kindness..." isn't just hippie-dippy hoohah. It's actually in the self-interest of each of us to go out of our way for other people; even total strangers.Many people recognize this intuitively. The title of this chapter, "It's Nice To Be Nice," was the motto of Henry's Restaurant in Algonac, Michigan, and it echoes numerous bits of popular wisdom, including Malcolm Forbes' prescription, "The more sympathy you give, the less you need" and the Dalai Lama's advice, "If you want to be happy, practice compassion." But, these really are more than warm fuzzies to needlepoint onto couch pillows or fodder for the inoffensive office décor industry. There's now data showing that you're likely to be happier if you help others.
"Positive psychology" professor Sonja Lyubomirsky takes an evidence-based approach to happiness. She and her team at UC Riverside have conducted a number of studies that strongly suggest helping others really does bring happiness, and that performing acts of kindness on a regular basis makes people happy for an extended period.
In one of Lyubomirsky's experiments, participants were asked to perform five kind acts a week for six weeks. The acts could be large or small -- even just thanking someone for their hard work. The researchers not only found that being kind and generous made people happy, but that those who did their entire week's generosity assignment on a single day experienced a significant elevation in their happiness -- suggesting that it's really, really nice to be really, really nice.
The researchers also found that those who were required to perform the same three acts of kindness every week for 10 weeks had their level of happiness drop in the middle of the study. (It eventually rebounded to their original level). Lyubomirsky speculates in her book, "The How of Happiness," that the repetition turned their exercise into just another chore. She feels acts of kindness must remain fresh and meaningful to enhance well-being, which, to me, says they have to come from the heart, from genuine concern for others and their needs. You can't just make a list, "1. Help three little old ladies across street," then start forcing them across at gunpoint so you can get on with your day.
To explain why being good to others makes you happier, Lyubomirsky cites evidence from past psychological research. Doing kind deeds can, for example, distract you from your problems, encourage you to be grateful for how good you have it (gratitude being another major happiness producer), and can lead to a more positive self-image and a greater sense of meaning in your own life. She adds that "kindness can jump-start a cascade of positive social consequences," leading people to like you, appreciate you, to offer you gratitude and even friendship, and maybe to reciprocate in your times of need.
Lyubomirsky illustrates the benefits of reaching out to others with the story of five women with multiple sclerosis who became peer supporters for 67 other MS patients. The five women were trained in "active and compassionate listening" and told to call each patient for 15 minutes once a month. In interviews, these peer supporters told the researchers that they'd experienced dramatic changes in their lives as a result of their volunteer work. They were less focused on their own problems, and felt increased satisfaction and feelings of mastery. They gained a stronger sense of self-esteem and self-acceptance, and developed confidence in their ability to cope with difficulties and manage their disease. As one woman said, "There's no cure for MS, but I really feel that I'm able to handle whatever comes my way."
Amazingly, the positive changes in the lives of the five peer supporters far outpaced the benefits for those they were supporting. Most notably, the volunteers experienced a boost in their general life satisfaction seven times greater than that shown by the patients they helped. Also, the benefits the volunteers experienced from their kind acts grew as time went on -- "an incredible finding," Lyubomirsky writes, given that the benefits seen in most happiness experiments "tend to diminish over time."
I'm all for being kind. Research has been done to show that being kind releases serotonin in the brain and the release of this hormone is what gives us the euphoria. No doubt we evolved to be kind because, as you say, ancient man lived in small groups and being kind and helpful would enhance your chances of survival (allowing you to pass those kindness genes along.)
I live near a major college down and there is no shortage of aging Volvo's with be kind stickers on them. Ironically these are usually the first folks to give you the finger if you do something they don't approve of ... like driving a big American car, or ... gasp! ... having a conservative bumper sticker.
Amy, next thing we know you'll be pushing that new age mystic, Wayne Dyer's, "Power of Intention" book. Sorry, couldn't resist the jab.
AllenS at February 8, 2011 8:17 AM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2011/02/08/its_nice_to_be.html#comment-1839916">comment from AllenSEek, never, AllenS! But, I am getting some teasing about this piece. Not to worry -- I haven't lost my edge. (Just exhibit some sort of social thuggery in my vicinity and you'll see!)
Amy Alkon
at February 8, 2011 8:25 AM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2011/02/08/its_nice_to_be.html#comment-1839920">comment from Amy AlkonI do also think we have to punish the rude, and I did that last night. I've been getting calls at home -- hijacking my time and a phone line I pay for -- from political candidate Ted W. Lieu. He has no right to interrupt my life to make his advertising costs cheaper. And I found his home number and called him at 11:30 pm to tell him so. Only when it's too costly to be rude will those that try to get a free ride on the rest of us stop.
Amy Alkon
at February 8, 2011 8:27 AM
This chapter is going to put a crimp into my becoming an amoral bastard efforts...
;-)
I R A Darth Aggie at February 8, 2011 9:39 AM
I was raised to be polite and helpful, so of course this is old news to me. The little things bring up your mood some, but what totally floored me was going into a restaurant I frequent (well, some people would disagree that Waffle House is a restaurant), and being told that my friend and I had completely changed our waitress's life simply by coming in and giving her a smile, a please, and a thank you, every day.
WayneB at February 8, 2011 10:07 AM
At one of the diners that my friends and I frequent, the owner is such a sweetheart, always cheerful, always smiling, always says "hello, nice people!" to damn near everyone who walks in the door. But there are people that try her patience, too. One cop here in town, who has a very over-inflated opinion of himself, always expects her to drop everything and stop whatever she's doing to give him his free cup of coffee (that's one of her things, every cop who comes into her diner, free coffee, no questions, she waves away payment). So it was late one night, we were there after the bar closed, and he comes in, snarling. Totally nasty to her but she was still her sweet, wonderful, cheerful self, "hello, honey, how are you?" and all that. Bends over backwards for him, even made him a grilled cheese, didn't charge him. So he finally leaves and as he's leaving she waves to him and says "have a good night, honey" loudly, but under her breath, just loud enough for us to hear "far, far away from here, ya bastid!" We about cracked up!
Flynne at February 8, 2011 10:22 AM
My Mom passed away ten years ago, rather unexpectadly. The new years eve before she died we happened to be together. We sat up talking all night and somehow came to resolutions. We decided to make a resolution to do one kind thing every day for a year.
It could be something as simple as letting someone out in traffic, helping someone get something off a shelf at the grocery store, smiling at someone even when we were blue. If we didn't get out that day, we could at least be kind to the telemarketer that called, or actually read the email instead of just trashing it.
She died in July. I have kept that resolution for ten years now. Every day, without fail. And I always think of her when I do my kindness.
Thanks Mom!
Annie at February 8, 2011 5:42 PM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2011/02/08/its_nice_to_be.html#comment-1840267">comment from AnnieWow - how cool!
Amy Alkon
at February 8, 2011 5:45 PM
Thank you Amy, and pardon my typos.
Annie at February 8, 2011 6:11 PM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2011/02/08/its_nice_to_be.html#comment-1840322">comment from AnnieTypos are unimportant!
Amy Alkon
at February 8, 2011 7:03 PM
I do my best to be considerate to others. Some people just can't be helped though.
Jim P. at February 8, 2011 8:04 PM
One of the things that I got out of therapy is to be aware of what my therapist called "bad thinking habits". If you spend a lot of time brooding about what has gone wrong in the past or what could go wrong in the future: stop doing that! Sounds obvious, but...
Cousin Dave at February 9, 2011 6:37 PM
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