Mothers might be admitting that they wish they had never become mothers when they describe their kids as "mistakes." I myself was the product of a marriage (and subsequent union; I realize that marriage does not cause pregnancy) that should have never happened.

Do I regret not being a parent? Nope. I don't regret not being married, either. I'm just glad we live in an age where we have more options than traditional marriage.

I don't know what about this should be a surprise.

Hello? Have you heard of abortion? Have you heard that some people don't have that option?

Then it follows that people who do not want children do go on to have them. It's already apparent that some people have them for the check they bring from the State.

In the 21st century, it's easy to learn of the suffocating aspect of motherhood. I had a kid nevertheless- and tried to compensate for what I was sure would be lost. I planned, I carved time and resources where I could find them. I did not go with the flow when I could.

One of the most capable women I knew about had three kids by choice and a shining career as a diplomat.

Maybe it's a European thing, but the fashion of giving all up for the children is still new around here.

And the kid(s) will be OK.

Radwaste: Hello? Have you heard of abortion?

It's also not retroactive. We're talking about people who became parents, and regretting it later. Not everything we choose for ourselves is a guarantee that we'll like it.

If having kids limits you to a small suburban sphere you are doing it wrong.

OK I get it, she writes:

"

I’m not saying I would have changed the world, or even that I wanted a high-flying career. But I would have loved to have gone to college at some stage in my life, to have continued my education, to have worked somewhere or done something that made a difference to people’s lives.

Maybe I would have done some teaching for a charity in the developing world — I would have loved that.

'It is not a contradiction to be proud of the lovely children I have raised while still wishing I had used the 20 long years I devoted to them for something else'

I would like to have seen more of the world, to have read more, and spent less of what should have been the best years of my life feeling dizzy with tiredness.
"

This is the problem. She got married and had kids too early. Those of us who do all those things often eventually get burnt out on working with other people's kids and want our own.

What NicoleK said.

For the first few years of a child's life, sure things are more limited. But hell, when they start going to school, what the hell is a woman going to do with the time that they're not there?

It does not take that long to do the dishes after breakfast, and it doesn't take that long to sweep or mop while the dishwasher is doing the former. It certainly doesn't take that long to do laundry. The only time consuming chore one might have is grocery shopping.

Every single chore a woman has in the profession of "wife & mother" that must be done in a day, has a labor saving device which cuts the time from many hours down to a grand total of about 2-3.

So what the hell does a woman do with the rest of the time? She can't go out for coffee with other women? She can't take in a movie? She can't join a book club or something?

...I can't take this writer seriously.

I don't regret having my girls, even though there have been some painful times when I wanted to just run away. But I didn't. And here's the thing: I'm working, I've traveled, with and without the girls, we're living our lives and having a good time doing it. I don't understand this woman. If I can do it, why can't she? Does she not get that she still can do those things she wants to do? I know a lot of moms who went back to school and are working to make a difference in peoples' lives; I'm one of them! I guess it's all in how you look at things, eh?

It depends on what world we live in. If we live in a nice, stable world, then it would be nice to have a child or children.
I don't regret not having a child as I think the world is already too crowded with overpopulation problems, as it is.

She sounds like a whiny little bitch who gave no thought to what life with kids really is. of COURSE your spontaneity lessens. It does with a dog too, so WTF? How did she not realize that? How did she not realize that kids needs were going to come before her wants and desires?

Robert, the time spent on housecleaning really hasn't chaged in the last 200 years. Washing machine washes clothes? yep. So now we wash a LOT more clothes (a closet full as opposed to wearing one outfit a week) and wash them a lot more often. Outhouses didn't require a lot of cleaning, and our standards have gone up considerably on what clean is, Etc etc.

And most moms either go back to work when the kids hit school, or go the serious volunteer route. The ones I know who don't work and have no younger kids are at school helping all day every day.

I am a college educated SAHM. There are days I REALLY want to catch a plane to tahiti and never come back. But actually wishing these amazing little beings didn't exist? She must not think much of the people she birthed. Outside of what my kids mean to me, they are going to be a good addition to society. Maybe hers are sociopaths.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/08/business/08scene.html?ex=1331010000&en=c55431310527a98a&ei=5090

Hello? Have you heard of abortion? Have you heard that some people don't have that option?

Then it follows that people who do not want children do go on to have them. It's already apparent that some people have them for the check they bring from the State."

THis woman had them by choice. The choice she had, and made. Intentionally.

This sounds very similar to what I always tell people when they say I'll regret wen I'm older not having children - "I'd rather regret not having children than regret having them. Then it's just my life screwed up".

Fortunately, I'm getting towards the age where I get the question less.

People make bad choices. Some people get themselves into professions that they hate, but suffer through until retirement. Some people have kids, and only then realize that they aren't cut out to be parents. Life's a bitch sometimes.

However, in one sense, her point is well taken: while you can complain about screwing up your career choice, you cannot tell people you regret having kids. The biggest reason is pretty damned obvious: think what this information would do to your kids' self-esteem.

On the other hand, why not do something about it? Kids are not forever - in fact, after the first few years, even a stay-at-home mom ought to have a couple of free hours every day. Certainly enough to take a couple of courses, or get a part-time job. By the time the kids are in their teens, if she really wanted to, she could be in school or working full-time. If she did nothing for 20 years, it's her own fault.

I have an 8-month-old and I'm totally spontaneous. Yesterday we drove to another country to look at a mountain. Baby was fine. The only thing was, I couldn't take her up the télécabine to the see the view, so I wandered around the village while the rest of the group went. It's a tough life, I'm telling you.

OK, if you live in America you usually can't easily drive to another country, but you can spontaneously decide to drive 1-2 hours and see something cool pretty much wherever you are. If you don't have the gas money to do it often, hopefully you can at least do it a couple times a year. Generally Americans love road trips.

Or spontaneously go to a lake or have a picnic or something. Or spontaneously put on a talent show with your kids. Or spontaneously go volunteer at the soup kitchen.

I can see how it might be difficult when they're older and have scheduled things like soccer games. So just pick a day, Sunday for example, to not schedule anything.

Not to mention, why DIDN'T she do something else? I am not a fan of kids being dumped in daycare 45-50 hours a week, but that doesn't mean they can't go to prek or MDO while you take a class. Hell I have 4 young kids and am working on degree #2. She wanted to teach? Most teachers have kids. I repeat-whiny lazy stupid bitch.

Vinnie and I are happy with the one kid we have; we like to think we got it right the first time! :-) That said, there's no shame in NOT wanting to be a parent; it's a hard job, and certainly not for the squeamish, impatient, or self-centered. Brava to you, Amy, for realizing early on that parenting wasn't for you. Having the time and energy to write your excellent columns, books, and blogs is a blessing. There are plenty of other people picking up the baby-making slack! :-)

I find it quite probable that there are many women who regret having children, for whatever reason. Society dictates that women should be completely fulfilled by children and I find it unrealistic. Not all women have the same options after having children either. So based on her life experiences, she is regretting her decision to have kids.

I would be interested to see what kinds of comments I would see if the story was about a woman who regretted NOT having children.

There is something about Roberts comment that really offends me. I can't quite identify it. Is it because he feels that eternal days of a quick load of laundry, house cleaning, grocery shopping and then meeting at the mall should somehow provide a woman with meaning in her life? I mean, it does..if it does. It doesn't if it doesn't. Somehow being a mix of maid and adolescent girl seems like a crap way of living, to me at least. Does that mean I can't be "taken seriously"?

I love my daughters, but in some respects I do regret having them. If I had a do-over, I wouldn't have kids. It's a lot of work, tons of stress and too many sleepless nights. Not to mention they cost a small fortune!

I regret having had children. Does that make me a monster?

No, probably not. If you're so selfish as to inform your children of this feeling, that would make you a monster.

In the mean time, suck it up, bunkie. You made choices, sorry they didn't work out to your satisfaction. Maybe in the future you'll have a different opinion about your kids?

After reading her "true confession", I am under the distinct feeling that even if she would have not had children, we would be reading a post filled with bitterness and keening over how awful and sad her life is, after pursuing other things and missing out on motherhood. (The glass is half full....but it's poison!)

I had two sons at a very young age, did most of my parenting as a single mom. That said, I can't imagine my life without them. They are 26 and 23 now and sure I finally got to buy myself a pony and change careers once I was kid free, but I was able to lead a fun, interesting and fulfilling life while raising children. My sons and I are still close even if I am bi-coastal mom now, I think part of how we ran our home allowed them the spirit and interest in life to pursue their dreams and cultivate their talents.

I think mommy pissy pants needs to get a life and geeze now that the kids are gone what is stopping her?

Sometimes I regret having kids young but then I think about how they'll be off to college by the time I'm 40, maybe that won't be so bad. You're broke at 20-22 whether you have kids or not, in my experience. At 40 I'll still be plenty young and able to travel and enjoy life plus I'll have the money to do it! Well, I'll have MORE money anyway.

So the writer is honest about her feelings, I'll give her that. I think her regret is more about how her life could have taken a different path, rather than the children she actually had. (Although she doesn't seem to be on very good terms with the one she calls "Tom".) A lot of men, looking back from their '60s at a lifetime spent working at a menial job for a living, have the same feelings. I will say that I found her fantasies about her alternate life to be ill-formed and somewhat unrealistic. But I suppose that's true of nearly everyone who looks back at their lives.

The one part that really alarmed me was when she said she would have been a lot happier if she had had daughters instead of sons, because daughters would have been better playmates for her. That smacks of both immaturity and postmodern feminism.

I regret having had children. Does that make me a monster?

No, probably not. If you're so selfish as to inform your children of this feeling, that would make you a monster.

I used to have a girlfriend who did exactly that.

Despite all the work and worry and limitations and heartbreak parenthood brings I've never regretted it because it's also brought feelings unlike any others I've ever experienced. I still remember what it was like to walk into his room in the morning and see him give me a big smile from his crib and still feel that tenderness when I look at him, though he's left babyhood far behind.

That said, there is no sugarcoating its demands and sacrifices, and I wish more people were able to assess that realistically and make better-informed decisions about taking it on.

Is it because he feels that eternal days of a quick load of laundry, house cleaning, grocery shopping and then meeting at the mall should somehow provide a woman with meaning in her life? - K

I think his point was with modern conviences there is pleanty of free time to FIND somthing to give you fulfilment

Parenthood is what you make of it. You don't have to be a martyr because you have children. Of course you have to put their needs first, but that's not the same thing as catering to all of their whims. And "Mommy" is an important part of one's identity, but it doesn't have to be the only thing that defines you.

It has already been mentioned, but the author sounds like she would've been disappointed (or had a mediocre life) anyway. Really, if you have especially grand expectations about where you'll go in life you're setting yourself up for disappointment. If she thinks that the only thing holding her back from being a CEO or taking year-long tours of the world was her children, she's wrong.

Exactly, ahw. If her attitude is that the grass is always greener elsewhere, the grass over there will always appear greener to her. If she had declined motherhood, she might be sitting arond now wondering what she was missing.

>>Does that make me a monster? A freak?
Yeah, she is a freak.

>>From the moment I had children, I felt I was in a slow drift away from myself.
What was so valuable about her self to regret drifting away from it? Age and time will make this drift anyway.

If you had asked me this question 7 years ago when I had a new baby and a toddler, the answer would have been "Damn right I regret my decision to have kids!"
But now they are both in school, and are able to do things like family bike rides, museum trips, and board games, and I really have fun with them. Now that they are able to think, dress themselves, and understand rules and consequences, they're a joy.
But man, I HATED those first four years.
A friend who is an ex-Marine gave me this bit of wisdom:
Having kids is like joining the Marines. You sign up for the Marines and it's 13 weeks of basic training, and that is Hell. You didn't sign up for the Marines to go to boot camp, but you have to get through it to be a Marine. Parenting is the same way. You don't have a baby to do that first year of 3 am feedings and getting puked on. But you have to get through that to have the kid who'll play catch with you.

I think some of the comments here are the reason she feels women can't be honest about regretting motherhood. Raising my kids has been hard. I take responsibility for my choices and acknowledge that marrying young and having kids young, before I knew myself, was a mistake. Like Flynne, there were times I wanted to run away, but didn't. Instead I looked at my kids and realized I loved them more than my own life and that I would find a way to make it work and I did just that. I have a very different relationship with my kids than a lot of other parents. I'm very close with them without being their friend and I feel that in many ways we are closer because of all we went through. Do I wish they had a better life in some ways? Yes. But I look at many people with those supposed better lives and sometimes think that my kids had it better. But it was hard and I can't fault someone for being honest and saying they wish they had made different choices.

I do think there is more of a judgment in society towards moms than dads. I don't think there is as much pressure on men to be good parents as there are on moms. I will never forget reading some celeb magazine around Mother's Day a few years ago and a celeb was asked what was the nicest thing he did for his wife. His answer was that he took care of the kid the whole day. He fed her, changed diapers, and didn't ask his wife for help. He considered that a nice thing for his wife not part of his own parenting duties to actually help take care of his own child. I think if a mother answered the question like that everyone would be branding her a bad mother. I'm not crying sexism, just pointing out that while there are many wonderful fathers, men as a whole don't feel the same kind of pressure to be identified as a loving father as women feel to be a loving mother. And much of that pressure comes from women, not men.

Here's the famous Ann Landers poll from the 1970s, in which she asked the simple question "If you had it to do over again, would you have children?"

70 percent of Landers' respondents said NO.

http://www.happilychildfree.com/ann.htm

I'm with you, Amy - by the time I was in kindergarten I was telling people I would never have kids when I got older. I was told I'd grow out of it. Well, I'm on the wrong side of 40, so if I'm gonna grow out of it, it better happen soon.

... and if the Landers survey seems outdated, here's a current one from the UrbanBaby website:

http://nl.com.com/poll.sc?mc=mcrs&brand=URBANBABY&pollId=3920

Question: Do you 'enjoy' spending time with your kids?

I really don't enjoy it at all, and wish I could spend less time with them 51%

Yes, most of the time we really have fun together 21%

Sometimes it's fun, sometimes it's really dull and aggravating 16%

Honestly most of the time it's not fun at all, but it's not supposed to be fun 13%

Total Respondents: 26,560

So 64% said they don't enjoy parenthood, and more than half wish they could spend less time with their kids. Only one in five found parenthood to be generally enjoyable.

I'm trying to avoid being knee-jerk judgmental. She says she loves her children, but I'm having a difficult time wrapping my head around simultaneously loving somebody and wishing he had never existed. It sounds like she retains nothing positive about her experience as a mother, as though the time spent and effort made were a total waste. That makes me suspect she doesn't really care about or have any interest in her children, and that's what she isn't admitting.

What an insufferable whiner this "Jill Scott" is.

"Crushing sacrifices?"

Like you live in a hovel and never have sex or even reading material? Had to sell your kidney to buy schoolbooks for the kids? Turn a few tricks?

I feel sorry for this Jill Scott, but not for the reasons she thinks. She is missing out on life, that's for sure. But she likely her own worst enemy, and a weakling to boot. I feel even sorrier for her husband, who probably works all day to support her, but comes home to whimpering weenie.

As for polls where people self-select, they are worthless.

Yes, in my age bracket I have friends with kids. Many struggle. I never heard anyone say it was not worth it. And I also know bachelor men, who are lonely enough to die.

When I see a father hugging his five-year-old boy, I just wish my boy was young enough to hug like that again.

If you love yourself--and you should--then you will love your kids.

"Every sufferer seeks a guilty agent". Nietzsche

When people are dissatisfied with themselves, they often look around for somebody else to blame.

I'm another one who had children very young and only my youngest of three were planned. I never sit around wondering what my life would have been like had I not had children. I certainly don't have romantic ideas of how I would have changed the world. On the contrary, I was a pretty aimless young man and as soon as that boy turned up, I had to get some aim pretty damn quick.

I don't think, had it not been thrust on me, that I would have pined away for children if I didn't have them -- I just couldn't see myself doing that. I'm a guy, after all, and don't have that yearning in my genes.

That being said, it's two in the morning where I am in the world right now and I can't sleep because right now my adult son is on a plane to come and visit me. I can't begin to explain how excited I am to pick him up at the airport in eighteen hours (yeah, it's a long flight). Yahooooooooo!

When you read in the paper that the residents of a large city in Asia have woken up to find their town painted red, you'll know why.

It's impossible to relate to anybody, fellow parents or not, how much complete joy I get from spending time with my children.

Regret? WTF? I just don't get this lady. I look back with warm fondness on the years of wiping asses, teaching values, and reading bedtime stories. It's hard work, yeah. But, then it's not.

Nice post BOTU. I'm with you completely. There are certainly significant sacrifices involved, but "crushing sacrifices"? Nope.

Lizzie, I think you've hit it on the head.

She was young when she started having kids, and her reasons for having them were:

"The only future I ever envisaged for myself was as a wife and mother."

and

"In the small Northern town where I grew up, working-class girls like me who didn’t leave for bigger things got married and had families, which is what I did."

The key to all this seems to be 1) knowing what your options are, and 2) managing your expectations. I don't know what this woman thought raising kids would be like, but her choices seem to have been largely guided by a stunning lack of imagination.

I asked my mom why she and Dad decided to have kids, and she revealed that they never thought about it that way. Back then, she said, it was simply the next thing you did, and that was that. Neither one of them thought about WHETHER to have kids, it was just a matter of when. My parents were 26 and 28 years of age when they had me, their first of two. My little bro came along a year and a half later.

So my parents weren't a couple of starry-eyed 19-year-olds - they were well into their late 20s and it seems to me that a big dose of non-thinking dominated their decision-making process.

Well, times change. I recall growing up that there were a number of people we knew who chose not to have kids, so I was always aware of it as being a choice, not an eventuality.

It's no big surprise to me that half of all college-educated Gen X women choose not to have kids. The more options you have, the less likely it is that any one option will be the one you choose.

I've never been very interested in kids - the little ones are especially annoying. Raising them seems like boring, messy, thankless work that you have to PAY to do. And with the world already chock-full of people, this quickly became a no-brainer for me. I knew from a very young age that I would never have them, and yes I heard 'You'll change your mind,' or 'You don't know what you're missing,' lots and lots of times. I simply ignored these people.

I'm 41 now and had my tubes tied at 34. No regrets whatsoever.

The few people I've run into who said such thing, I asked them a simple question: "What do you tink your life is for?"
They give you this look like a poleaxed ox. What do you mean? What do you think your existance is about. If you are here because of a stunning bit of chance, or due to some design, doesn't matter, what do you think your purpose is?

Most people these days never consider having children as being a purpose, but at the elemental level it is. We were made that way. Certainly many people can and should opt out, though I often regret that they won't be passing those fabu genes down. :shrug: not my call...

I think this writer is getting wrapped 'round the axle of personal fulfillment. Instead of finding fulfilling things to do, instead of trying to give other people fulfillment, she seems to think it was somehow owed her, and she missed out on it.

OTOH you can regret having children, without regretting them as people. The situation that caused their existance is not the same thing as the person themselves. I cetainly don't regret my kids at all, but I really picked the wrong woman to have them with, so that often makes situations relating to them difficult...

But they themselves? I would live fight and die for them. The two things aren't so intertwined that you can't separate them. Naturally this isn't something that would generally come up in conversation with the kids... but you can tell them that you love them and would never give them up... even if you regret the circumstance that brought them here.

A circumstance is different from a person.

Wow, BOTU, good post! Who'da thunk it??

o.O

Flynne and whistledick agree with me?
Let me check my bearings.

Yes, regret not having kids, because kids are great.

No, don't regret not having kids with my ex (you don't wanna know. It's a bad novel); no regret for not contributing to 7 billion humans; no regret for not introducing more victims, er, children to my let's-just-call-them-unkind family.

And Maybe, because I've had a LOT of freedom in exchange for no kids.

So it's a wash.

I guess the point is that there are almost always what ifs?, and often regrets, in regard to the paths not chosen and you have to appreciate what you found on the paths you did go down. That's the big picture "Jill Scott" seems to be having trouble seeing.

BOTU nailed it.

I grew up in a large family, and was ambivalent about kids at best. I was pleasantly surprised to find out I really liked mine.

All credit goes to their mom, and thus far none are suspects in any missing persons cases... Just kidding - by any standards but Amy Chua's they are successes. There is an element of luck involved, and it's a lot of hard work and expense. If you're honest with yourself, you'll admit you probably wouldn't have cured cancer, or been an astronaut, even if you didn't have kids and you'd have blown the money on something that gives you less pleasure. I'll take the funny father's day card (and the steaks and beer) over a boat and a sports car anyday. Thanks, kids.

We all learn on the job. Sometimes kids turn out well, and sometimes not. Regrets are poison. You can't un-ring the bell but you can make yourself miserable. Most people are wise enough not to go there. I love my kids and my granddaughter. No regrets.

I'm inclined to cut the author a little more slack (not much, but a little). A person could go into parenthood with her eyes wide open and genuinely eager to raise children, and still encounter unexpected hurdles that change her viewpoint considerably after the fact. I don't think that makes her a monster. Admitting it anonymously is probably a good first step toward realizing she needs to talk to a professional immediately and find a way to work through her issues.

Besides, can any of us honestly claim that every decision we ever made worked out exactly as we expected with no regrets whatsoever? I'm sure some will insist they have, but I think they're full of it. Of course the presence of a child raises the stakes considerably and demands a lot more consideration beforehand. But even the most intense pre-natal naval gazing doesn't guarantee an ideal outcome.

I didn't choose to become pregnant. I believed the guy who said he'd love me forever, then ditched me when I was 8 months pregnant and 18. However, I *chose* to become a MOTHER, and worked very hard every day to earn the title.
Screw the women who whine about it, and kudos to those who realize beforehand it isn't what they want and do not either become pregnant or keep the child if they do. It's the hardest job on the face of the planet, and if you don't want it, really want it, then you shouldn't take it.

I'm on the other side of the spectrum. I never wanted kids. I had my first, and kept it. I can't say it was the best decision ever, but it's a decision I made and I make the best of having a child. I play with him and the smiles, hugs and kisses he gives me are more fulfilling than my work, honestly (I probably need a different career path too). What I'm saying is we all make choices, and we can sit and whine about it or you can stand up, wipe yourself off and shut up about it.

I see many couples who say, I want to travel, I want to do this and that... if you really want to do it, you'll make it work with children. We travel regularly - at least one overseas vacation a year, and one stateside vacation. Yeah, you may have to work a little harder to get there, but we just do it.

She sounds very much like the adults who spend their life telling you how much their abusive home from 20 years ago is why they don't have a job today. Life isn't easy for all of us. You don't know where each of us came from or through to get where we are, but to blame a child who didn't have anything to do with it - or take it out on the child - is unfair to them. She's just sad, not a monster. (I just read BOTU's post, it's perfect!)

I was raised in a large family in a religion that stressed having large families. My siblings and I are extremely mellow and I really believed that if you did the right thing, went to church, taught your kids to read, etc. things would be like how I grew up.

I had four children and until they were twelve, things were great. Then I learned I not only suck at dealing with teenage children, my oldest was our wild child and my second oldest was angry at the world (okay, all teenagers can be wild and angry, but this was way beyond that.)

Before you say it's us, it isn't--it's genetics. I know because the second two kids are angels. Had the last two been like the first, I fear that I would have lost my mind.

Being objective; we shouldn't have had four children. Being subjective: I wouldn't trade any of them for the world.

And you know what? The wild child turned out to be an fantastic woman and awesome mom. So, maybe we did something right after all.

The angry one is slightly less angry and downright pleasant with his girlfriend. I think he'll turn out okay too.

(I know a woman who, for religious reasons, popped out three stairstep children and then discovered that while she was very good at infants, she stunk at dealing with older toddlers. Problem is that you can't find out these things until they happen.)

Wow - if this woman hadn't had two sons and some of the details of her life were different, I would have thought my mother wrote this.

I'm not really sure why my mom had kids - she didn't really want them. All in all she was a pretty decent mother, I guess, but now that I'm an adult and I don't live with her anymore, I would never hear from her if I didn't make the effort to call her (which I do less and less, lately). She's just...not that interested, and she's admitted that she doesn't love me or my sibling (something I figured out a while ago).

Honestly, I wish she'd never had us.

I have things I would change about my past decisions, but my kids are not on that list. They are easily the best thing I ever did in my life. But I know from the experiences of others that we were very lucky. No matter how "good" a parent you think you are, each child is a free agent and can go down a path that can break your heart.

"It's no big surprise to me that half of all college-educated Gen X women choose not to have kids. The more options you have, the less likely it is that any one option will be the one you choose."

I'm not surprised either, but I'm not sure that choices are the only, or even the main, reason. Gen X was the Children of Divorce generation. To a lot of us, the bearing and raising of children in a reasonably stable environment looked like a hopeless exercise. A lot of my peers told me back in the day that they had no clue how to go about the parenting business because, in effect, they themselves weren't parented. And of my peers who did have children, I saw a lot of them making obvious and bad mistakes, like having children impulsively with SO's that they barely knew, with the expectation that having a child would bring them together. Looking at them, it seemed like an act of desperation.

"Honestly, I wish she'd never had us."

I always wonder at the people who say these things. Actually, I wonder that they are still here to say them, since we have numerous ways to remedy the condition of life if one so wishes.

So I think what this type usually means is, they wish their mom was someone else. Someone who had loved them correctly (or at all) and that their personal lives were different, not nonexistent.

But if you're attached to your life now that you have it? You don't wish you didn't exist.

I think her biggest mistake wasn't having kids. It was admitting it to the newspaper.

Those poor kids. She made her bed, and she has to lie in it, but NOWHERE does it say she should broadcast it to the four corners of the universe. What a bitch.

That said, I knew when I was twelve I didn't want kids, and I too am lucky to have been born in an era when I was allowed to make that choice, although I will say, even at 45, I have actually gotten the "you still have time" comment. WTF?

Sorry for the double post, but I had to respond to this:

"I would be interested to see what kinds of comments I would see if the story was about a woman who regretted NOT having children."

I do not believe this person exists, and yes, I am ONLY talking about those that consciously made the choice. Trust me, I'm plugged into a LOT of childfree blogs/websites etc. and I have not YET seen it. I'm sure it must exist (exception to every rule, yanno) but quite honestly the margin has to be significantly smaller than the "had them, regret it" contingency.

Coulda, shoulda, woulda. Her longing to teach 3rd world children is just a fairy-tale. Raising responsible, caring, interesting people to functioning adulthood is far more important. I can't claim to be the best mom ever, but my kids are great people. Jackie Kennedy once said that if you bungle raising your children, nothing else you do matters.

The real problem is we don't teach people to think anymore that their actions have consequences in the future, and that it is largely up to them to determine their future. We shield kids from any consequences until they're adults. Then they don't learn to think "what will my life be like if I have kids, what will the negative consequences be (e.g. can't go to college), will I regret those consequences, can I mitigate them (e.g. have kids later)" - you know, "thinking" and particularly "long-term thinking". Sorry but if you're stupid you must suffer. As someone pointed out this woman's big regrets were things like not going to college. Hello, couldn't you wait a few years then. "Oh but I was young we're all stupid when we're young ha ha!"

The shielding the kids thing was probably part of the problem. She probably thought the kids wouldn't be ok if she went and did stuff with them, so she didn't go do stuff.

I got pregnant while on the pill. Surprise! Hubby and I had been married 4 years and I had no particular urge to have a kid. Hubby wanted to adopt so I told him I'd support that if he wanted to look into it. My personal values, made abortion something I would not consider for myself. I am more of a "shrug and make the best of it" type person.

Kiddo just turned 17 and I do not have a single regret about having him. I had no interest in having more, though. It is truly the toughest job to be a good parent. It is very rewarding, though.

I did have to change my plans for life, but I had to do that once before when I had my accident and became permanently gimpy, too.

There are things I wish I had done differently, but that is human.

He's a good kid. He just made Eagle Scout and he's a hardworking, funny and caring person. He wants to join the military after high school and that makes me proud and scared.

I've told him he was a surprise. I do not consider him a mistake and I've made it clear to him that he was a great surprise.

Christ.

"But I would have loved... to have worked somewhere or done something that made a difference to people’s lives."

She's a mother. By definition, a mother makes the WORLD of difference to the lives of her children - and her children's friends, everyone her children go on to affect, etc. This woman wants to "make a difference" in the lives of ABSTRACT people, but she obviously doesn't realize that the REAL people around her every day are the people whose lives she has the most influence over. It's easy to love "people" in the abstract, not so easy to love persons you actually know, huh?

Kind of hard to make more of a difference to someone's life than giving birth and raising that someone. This woman's problem is that she dreamed of being a hero but never had the courage to face the "daily grind" and go above and beyond and work harder to make her dreams come true, so she's blaming motherhood for her failure to live up to her fantasy life.