My friend is engaged to a dude in his mid 30's who never left home because his parents are "awesome." I said that high school is awesome too, but you still look like a jackass if you're still there in your 30's.

It does depend on certain factors (how much do I like the parents??), but generally, no, I would not date either a man or a woman who still lived with their parents.

Some circumstances that might make me change my mind: if they're saving for a down payment, if they're temporarily out of work, if they're working on the Next Great American Novel (only if I've read and liked the most recent draft).

I'm a woman, bi, 27.

Well, I moved out at 17, but things are a bit tougher nowadays. So I think some latitude may be in order. My 30 year old daughter has been back for 2 years while she goes back to school after being laid off. Dad, 50

If they've moved back in due to hard times, I might be inclined to cut them some slack. If they never moved out? Not a chance. I've known quite a few 'adults' who never left the nest, despite having excellent jobs - and lived rent-free, no less. That indicates to me either a lack of interest in autonomy, or an interest in taking advantage of the goodwill of others, neither of which I find an attractive trait in a partner. Female in their mid-30s.

It would depend if her Mom was still hot...

Male-45

If you're an adult, out of college, and your romantic prospect is living with his parents, that's a big warning sign.

I'm 30 and female, and my husband never left home before marrying me. It was the way things were done in The Old Country. Another warning sign: if you aren't from the same The Old Country and his family insists things are done that way...RUUUUUN! Because it won't change after you get married.

We've been married for five years, and while I love him, I also think that if I could go back and do it over, I don't know if I would have done things the same way.

Someone who's never lived on their own doesn't know how to do things for themselves, generally. My husband didn't, and still doesn't, know how to budget, handle bills, do home maintenance. He is also, frankly, very lazy. It comes from having mommy clean up after him his whole life.

If the person in question does not have a GOOD reason (like an ill parent or sudden lay-off), then you should REALLY think twice, and then a third time.

Under extraordinary circumstances, maybe. For instance, my parents' neighbor has a special needs brother and elderly parents whom she helps care for.

Generally, though, a man living with his parents has always been a turn-off for me. I'm a 40-ish woman.

It would be a very severe detriment. One of the things I can't stand in friends or loved ones is a lack of ambition and drive. So it would very much be a case-by-case basis. If he was living with them because he got laid off and is looking for work, to save money whie working on higher education, just had a business venture crash and burn and is saving to start a new on - something like that would make it far more acceptable in a potential partner.

In other words, I would want to see clear indications that this was a temporary thing (barring care-taking situations of course).
Female, 30

Depends on the person, the parents, and the situation. I don't think it's an automatic dealbreaker, but I would also hope that person would be staying there as a temporary measure...I lived with my parents until I was 25 (and was having a serious LTR at the same time), buuuuuuuuuuut I was working full-time AND going to school full-time for my MA, and also graduated during the most piss-poor job market in recent history, so it took me nearly a year to be able to afford to move out.

At the same time, it was a little irksome, because if I wanted Private Time with my boyfriend, I had to go to HIS house, and that made me feel like we sort of weren't meeting on equal footing (because, um, we weren't). I didn't pay my parents rent, but would have if they asked, but I did the bulk of the housework, shopping, etc., and my parents genuinely enjoyed having me live there. The two of them get along better when I'm around, for some reason (I found it exhausting and would not move back unless I had to).

When I moved out, my brother moved in. He's pushing thirty, in school for a second shot at getting a BA, not working, not contributing at all, causing a lot of tension between my parents, and never picks up after himself. He's also perfectly content to stay there until my parents forcibly remove him.

I would date someone who lived at home, but it would HIGHLY depend on the situation and how quickly they were getting their ass out of there. If they're living at home to take care of an infirm parent or something, that's different, but I did date a guy for two years who lived at home (he was also pushing thirty, we were more than a decade apart) and I didn't break up with him specifically for that reason, but seeing that he wasn't really motivated to move out definitely made contributed to me wanting to leave the relationship. I felt he and his sibling (also lived at home) were being enabled by their parents and I didn't understand why he didn't try harder to get out of there.

I think he's living with them again. Except now he's pushing 40. Ugh.

Well, I was dating this 19-year-old girl, and her Momma was really hit, They lived together. One thing led to another. I would say it is not always a drawback.

I've never been on a date, because I have a wretched demeanor and don't deserve love.

And now, offtopic, here's a piece that makes me feel better about being an essentially pseudonymous (though consistently-autographed and non-manipulative) blog commenter.

(Ontopic-- Even when I was young and pretty, a churning, wanton sex machine rampaging through the beaches and mountains and valleys of Los Angeles, I only wanted to hang out with other adults. Like, adult-ly adults. Taxes, library cards, voter registration, etc.)

Oh, and, whoops, I'm in my late 20s and a woman. I guess it's more acceptable for someone around my age to still be living at home - and I live in one of the most expensive housing areas in the country, so even if you're not living at home, odds are you're living with a roommate or two (or three, or four).

Tangentially-related link for Peej

Like Celeste, I would see it as someone who lacks interest in autonomy. Big turn-off. I'd have to say no. (41 year-old woman)

Hey Crid, (tangentially) - I sometimes wonder what the effect would be if we had a tax deduction for the PRINCIPAL paid on a home. Thanks for the link.

Maybe if she's on parole for doing something cool. I'd still only eff her at my house and not take it very seriously. I'm not sneaking in the backdoor anymore.

M-mid 30's

I had to move back home with the rents when my house burned down. So I can see it under extraordinary circumstances-divorce, death, fire, the rents are out they flackity frack minds, etc etc. Mind you, I was only there for a month and a half, so I think time would be a factor too, except in cases of the rents health failure.

Female, 31

I wouldn't.

Female - 36

P.S. I'm not opposed to people having to move back home to pay off debts, save for a house, attend medical school, etc. I just think that if you have one of the above goals, you probably shouldn't be dating anyway.

I don't care at all. Mulit-generational homes aren't uncommon & family is usually important. Nobody gets ruled out by me for something as trivial as this. Home-LESS? Drugged out of their mind? In-home arrest? Well, those situations are non-starters for the dating pool. Never-left-the-nesters are fine. (M/30)

I understand that living with your parents is quite common in most of Europe where in times past, you needed cash to buy your own place, and it might take 10 to 15 years to get enough to be able to move out.
In my case, it would not matter if a prospective mate lived with his parents, as much as what the relationship with them is like. A mooch and a loser is still a mooch and a loser even if he lives on his own because his parents had enough backbone to kick him out.
I would much rather have a man who can do enough math to realize that there is something to be said for living at home, than one who blows all his money on an expensive car or a condo just to impress a woman.
I have a friend who quit his job and moved home for six months to take care of his father who had terminal cancer. Is this loser behavior? To me it is a sign of a compassionate and responsible human being.
In short, living with parents as an adult can be a sign of a negative personality trait but it also can be normal and responsible. Not something that would be a deal breaker for me, as long as he treated his parents well.

I won't mind her living at her folks if she doesn't care if I'm married.

Threadwin.

2nd prize Smurfy, "on parole for doing something cool"

Isabel1130: THANK YOU for your desperately-needed breath of sanity on the subject.

You wouldn't happen to be single, would you? ;-)

Agree with several of the previous postings. If a person moved home to care for a sick parent/sibling, or is trying to save for their own place, it's not a deal breaker.

Having said that- dated a guy when I was in my 20s who still lived at home. He was working on a Masters, so at first I thought it was ok. As time went on, it became clear he was at home because his Mama thought the sun orbited around him and she treated him better than her own husband. Icky doesn't even begin to describe....

"I would much rather have a man who can do enough math to realize that there is something to be said for living at home, than one who blows all his money on an expensive car or a condo just to impress a woman."
It's not all peacock feathers, we do that stuff to impress other guys too. And probably to fill some kind of hole.

As long as the extraordinary was so undeniable that even modest cheer leading and situational purposefulness could not help but to take root and flower, I'd kiss a toad./sarc off;) Oh wait. What I am thinking...We don't live in a world where novelty is wasted? What reasons could possibly prevent the best from being conditioned for success and its accoutrements? If they are without, then it was always essentially true and they will never know what the are missing and therefore there will never be any possible reason for us to miss them.

I moved home at 25 and lived there for 4.5 years. Initially, it was just to finish a half completed undergraduate degree, but then the economy turned south right as I was graduating. I continued living at home for my master's and worked full-time the entire time I lived there. I did not cook, clean (aside from own bedroom and bathroom) or pay rent during my stay.

I am now 30 and living with my fiancee. I still work full-time and contribute to half of our bills and do all of the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, and general upkeep of our home myself (the fiancee is now in grad school and I have more time than he does).

At the time, I would have dated someone who was also living at home but would have looked carefully at how responsibly/productively they spent their time. Even though I wasn't contributing much to my parents, I was constantly busy working, going to school, getting part-time internships, and doing volunteer work once a week. Now that I have moved into my own place, I throw that same energy into taking care of my own home and into my relationship. Are they using their time at home to their advantage, so they can launch themselves the hell out of there? Or are they being lazy and complacent? If it's the latter...the lazy thing will probably never change.

In the future, we are going to see a lot more people living with extended family, so it's probably good to be having this discussion.

Living with family, like never retiring, is going to be the new normal.

An adult (20+) still living at home is a warning sign of someone that may be immature. Kind of like how having 20 straw wrappers in the cup holder of their car is the warning sign of a slob, and how grossly under-tipping at a restaurant is the sign of a cheapskate, or monopolizing the conversation is the sign of a chronic chatter. It's not a deal breaker, nor is it something to ignore, but it would definitely put me on my guard. Best thing to do is ask for an explanation of why they're still under their parent's roof.

Oh hell no. I'm a 21 year old woman, but I tend to date men in their late 20's-early 30's. If a man is living at home by that point it tells me "I'm too lazy and dependent on others to get off my ass and make a name for myself."

Definitely not an attractive quality.

If there's a legitimate reason for it (i.e. helping sick family or financially supporting them) then I can understand it. Otherwise, oh gosh no.

It would be ok with me. I'm not like Crid. Male, 66 as of a few hours ago.

I dated a man who never left home. When I met him he was 38. I was divorced and not looking for a serious relationship. Good thing I wasn't because he had a very unhealthy attachment to his mom and vice versa. I'm 43 and don't think I'd date another man who lived at home. I am a single mom with three kids and I'm not running home to Mommy so I'd expect a man I'd date to be able to be on his own too.

Not a chance, unless that was I'm moving back to take care of mom and/or dad, which gets that person the good daughter award.

Upon further review, the answer is still no. I wouldn't date that person because they're not free to be with me. They're spoken for just as much as if they were married, or seeing someone.

Only other case it could work is if they're paying full market rent for the room, and the folks don't have any restrictions on them because they're related.

Dude, 48, very single.

It depends on the reasons. (I'm female and 30, if it matters.)

If someone is living at home because he/she is lazy, working on a video game addiction, or convinced that he/she is about to break into a near possible to break into profession (professional writer/actor/musician/etc.) then, no, I'm not interested.

If they're out of work, but obviously doing their best to get a job, I give them some slack. The economy really does suck.

If he/she is trying to start up a new business/saving money for a business/saving money for a house/going back to school (and not a perpetual student)/trying to pay back loans/whatever, I'm also fairly forgiving.

There are also cases where the person might be providing care for elderly parents/child care for siblings/having siblings or parents help with child care for them, etc. That also strikes me as a reasonable reason to live with family.

When Americans finally get sober from the longest in recent history uninterrupted prosperity,
they will discover how the rest of the world was living. A lot of attitudes will be changed.
Living with parents will not be the biggest turn-off.

I would date someone living with parents in their 20-es or even 30-es since those I know do it for pretty rational reasons. And they usually do things that are more interesting than the common rat race and have more money left to explore new things. Those who live in ashram are even better.

(Happy Birthday, David.)

Dating is complicated. It would depend entirely on circumstances surrounding the situation.

I certainly would be more inclined to date a man living with his parents temporarily because he is saving up to start a business or buy a home than someone who worked for the government or for the SEIU.

I could probably say that the type of person that would work for the DMV, and owned their own home, and lived off of my tax dollars would not have a snowballs chance in hell getting a date with me.

However, A small business entrepreneur...especially in this economic climate,...I definitely think I'd be interested in getting to know them better.

People's economic situation is never static and neither is their living situation. But a motivated man with a good work ethic, a vision and a dose of healthy humility.... those are hard to come by.

If he was 28 and never left the house....errr, probably not.

Female, 35

I would much rather have a man who can do enough math to realize that there is something to be said for living at home, than one who blows all his money on an expensive car or a condo just to impress a woman.

I don't blow my money on an expensive car (is a Ford Fusion, the base model with a manual transmission an expensive car?), nor blow money on a condo to impress a woman. Frankly, if any given woman is impressed by those things, I'm not really interested in dating her. Hiring courteseans will be cheaper in the long run.

That bit of snark aside, I can't live with my mom. We would, eventually, drive each other bat guano insane. Or at least I would be driven over the cliff. When I left for college when I was 18 was the last time I lived at home.

[Welcome to Tangent City, Pop.: Me-&-Beej]

> what the effect would be if we had a
> tax deduction for the PRINCIPAL

Yeah... As that piece (or another, ifergit) explains, most people think that's what we've got... Even the ones who are saving on their taxes every year. If it did suddenly work that way, DC would probably be sucked, whole, into an undetected swampy sinkhole.

...Might be worth a shot. Think it over and get back to us.

[You're now leaving Tangent City, Elev: Nominal. Come back Real Soon Now.]

42 y.o. man here.

If she was fresh out of college and under 30, then I could see dating a lady that still lived with the parents.

However, after that, getting an apartment (even with roommates) is kinda necessary. Otherwise, I'd have to assume that she's either immature or slothful.

I have my own home, my own business, etc. I moved out of my parents' house the week after I graduated from university. Spent one night there since (dog-sitting).

And like Darth, I get along much better with the family now that I'm not sharing a roof with them.

I would not date someone who lived with their parents. My coworker has her 2 sons still living with her, at 31 and 33. She wanted to set me up but once I found that out, it was an instant turnoff. Get a roommate or 2 and suck it up. A man who has never had to cook or clean is not the type of man that would be fun to live with. If I can manage to live on my own, anyone can.

I'm a 27 year old straight female.

My ex-Gf (and kids) lived with her parents for about eighteen months total during and after the divorce. Once the divorce was final, the last three months was finding a place she could afford.

I was a in a different school district and she wasn't ready to commit (plus other complications).

My latest ex-gf is currently living with one of her daughters and hubby and grand kids. She's steadily employed and is going to be moving out in a few months. The family gets along well.

Part of the issue is how houses are now built in the U.S. This is from a several year stint in S. Korea. The way they build the majority of houses, is that they are built as "compounds". The property, if they have a large chunk, is built with the idea that there will be several houses on the property and multiple generations will occupy the houses at various times. If the compound is in the city, the house is built more apartment style. There is the main family's house apartment downstairs. The upstairs are 1-3 full apartments -- bathrooms and mini kitchens. Some will have a full interconnected door, that has a deadbolt as if it was an outside door. The kids either live there, or can be rented out as needed. So essentially the children are living at home -- but in their own apartment.

Here in the U.S. they don't design the houses other than you take full house from beginning to end.

So it boils down to what the situation is that they are living with family.

M -- 40's

31, straight female.

Very glad that others on this thread have pointed out the state of the economy. Not too long ago, I think living with the 'rents/not having a job would have been an instant turn-off for almost all women and plenty of men too, and probably rightfully so.

When the economy was better (00-06), I made a decent living working part-time waiting tables while going to school. And the jobs were plentiful! Sometimes I had more than one job and if I didn't like one, I could walk across the parking lot and get another. Even after I got a job teaching, it wasn't hard to pick up a basic service industry job and have your own place--and still have time/$$ left over to feed your video game/cocaine/pot habit, as long as you could balance a semi-reasonable budget and maybe took on a roomie or two. I found it difficult to take anyone seriously who couldn't juggle a menial job and their own place. I mean, for crying out loud, I worked with a ton of cokeheads/potheads/idiots who pulled it off with ease. Then, living with your parents was certainly more likely a symptom of "total loser" than any other explanation. Not always, of course, but much more likely.

But when I was laid off in 2009 and went back to waiting tables to pay the bills, standards in hiring had changed. It wasn't like you could walk in with no experience and get a job. You were up against not only career service industry folks, but also others who had been laid off and carried higher degrees and more impressive resumes (albeit in totally unrelated fields) than you did. My second time through the restaurant gauntlet, I worked with far more stable individuals with a far more professional work ethic. I don't think that was coincidence.

So, while living with the parents probably isn't as much a date-killer as it used to be, I'm sure there are also some total losers doing it too--namely the less stable, more addicted ones who were edged out of their jobs by people who didn't really want to work restaurant in the first place.

From my observations, living with the parents as an adult has gone from being (99% of the time) an absolute red flag to more of a concern to investigate further. Could it be the sign of a total loser? Sure. But it might just be someone who's not so stupid that they're going to take out extra debt to live on while they try for a better job.

Married someone who had moved back in with his mother in his late 20's after she was widowed. I thought it was an indication of someone who would make a devoted family man. Yes, but it wasn't that simple, it was also an indicator of other underlying issues. His relationship with her had an element of puppet-on-a-string and it caused several problems. I would take a much longer, in-depth, and critical look at family background and the reasons for such as a situation should I ever run into it again. Mid 40's female.

I'm 62, so any woman who lived with her parents would either be taking care of them (fine with me), or would be so much younger than me that I wouldn't care if she lived in a cave.

My 24-year-old stepson has been with us his whole life, except for a couple of brief, failed attempts to live on his own. And a 90-day rehab program. This didn't stop a girl from not only dating him, but getting pregnant with him.

Ladies, if you want to take care of a grown up child, date a man who lives with his parents.

There are a FEW very good reasons why a man might live with his parents. But with that "FEW" emphasized as much as possible, let me add that if one of those FEW reasons are why he is there, the rest of his actions will make his character clear enough.

Is he clean cut, does he have a good job, is he considerate or polite towards strangers and subordinates, does he have few or lots of credit cards and does he take a flippant or disciplined approach to money?

Look also at his parents, are they indulgent of him, are they hesitant to bring up problems, does he help care for the house and the household bills?

If good answers can be given for these things, then chances are when one of those FEW good reasons is over, he'll live independently and be quite good at it.

If the answers are not so good, there will always be another reason to stay with mummy and daddy.

Male, 37, lived in my own house since I started working (about 23).

I don't care either way. One of Jerry Seinfeld's bits touches on this, where he points out that it's important to women what men do for a living, whereas guys don't care. Ended with something like "So you work in an abattoir? Interesting. Well, when you've finished your shift how about you have a shower and we'll go get a bite to eat?"

What sort of person they are, whether they're pulling their weight financially and otherwise, whether her parents are insanely over-protective of a 30-something daughter - all that stuff of course still matters. Their actual living arrangements - don't give a damn.

Ladies, if you want to take care of a grown up child, date a man who lives with his parents.

Robert, I hate to say it, but this applies to my youngest brother. He's 26 and still at home. Ok, he's still studying, but he doesn't lift a finger round the house and Mum does/pays for everything for him. I didn't move out till I could afford it, but I was cooking/cleaning/gardening from early teens, and although I was being supported I at least did tutoring during college for my spending money.

Problem is, he's the last of 4 and Mum wants to keep him as long as possible. She won't hear a word about it being time for him to grow up a bit.

NO.
(Woman in early 30s).

Generally I'd think it was odd. However, I'd take it on a case by case basis... circumstances, family's culture, etc.

There are some cultures where kids live at home till they marry, so if the person was from that sort of background... personally given what rents are everywhere I've lived I think it makes lots of sense.

Female 34.

Male, early 30's.

As the other posters have said, it would depend on the circumstances. If living at home was indicative of a lack of ambition, laziness, or complacency, then I would say NO.

My marriage has had a lot of conflict because of the difference between my background (out of the house at 18, used to taking care of self, planning for future) and my wife's (lived at home up until marriage, never had to pay rent/utilities/loans or really live on a budget.) I made the error of combining our funds into a joint account, and her lack of financial responsibility (among other things) caused endless problems and stress. Because she never had to fully take care of herself, she had no understanding of how to budget for rent, car payments, utilities, entertainment, etc. I tried to explain financial responsibility to her, and even went so far as to get her books from the library on the subject. She showed no interest in learning about it.

She hasn't moved with me to my next duty station, and I'm now in the process of separating our finances. I don't foresee being married much longer, which will be a very sad (but now fairly inevitable) end to what I had hoped would be a lifelong and happy relationship.

Male, straight, age 39.

My three brothers left home several years after college. The first brother moved out at 29, and maintains his own home in Beverly, MA. The second brother to move out was my baby brother, who moved out at 26 (baby brother) and maintains his own home in Hyde Park, MA. The third brother moved out at 34, but he had moved out before because my father was diagnosed with lung cancer and died at the age of 63 six years ago, so he stayed until this year and moved into his own apartment.

I still live at home, mainly because my mother can't do everything because of her two hip and two knee operations. She and I are in the process of moving to another neighborhood, and I will split the mortgage with her. I also make damn sure I help out in any way I can - food bills, yard work, etc.

I feel as long as you're responsible, you're paying your own way and not relying on your parents for everything, and in turn your parents aren't trying to control every aspect of your life, then living at home isn't a factor to me - and in some cases, I think the way your treat your parents would be the same way you'd treat your spouse.

A correction:

The third brother moved out at 26 to move in with his girlfriend, but they broke up soon after my father was diagnosed with cancer and began receiving treatment - she moved back to Buffalo until 2006. He moved back home and stayed here from 2005 until June, when he moved to Roslindale.

Isabel1130: another thank you for your thoughts. Yes, if you can live at home and treat your parents very well, chances are you can treat the opposite sex just as well.

Darth Aggie: My mother and I get along fine - we just stay in seperate rooms. She does grate on my nerves sometimes, though...

Male in low 40s.
Now NO.
When I was in my 20s it would be ok, since it can take a few years to leave the nest. Dated on in her 30s who was. Big mistake, I should have seen it as a sign of things to come. Complete lack of any personal responsibility for her actions, and little social skills she was a 30 something child. Her parents loved me, partially because they saw me as a way of getting her out.

My general advice if she's still at home at 25 without a major reason be afraid.(i.e. a friend is home cause her Mom is having major health issues, Dad minor ones)

Sure. In Japan, it was normal for unmarried women to live with their parents. I don't know if I had a thing for Japanese girls, or approximately 99.9999 oercent of the women in Japan were Japanese, but...

Like Amy, I am an outlier in all polls.

Not a chance. I became a parent and the mom/adult in my house at 21 and I could not imagine dating a (around) 30 year old who still lived with their parents.

Female, straight, 29

No. Such people, male or female, may not be lacking in ambition or drive, per se, but they can still be shameless narcissists and guilt-trippers when it comes to other people's money. Unless he/she goes to a lot of trouble to make it clear he/she is not a sponge in any way (or in debt) assume otherwise.

No. A couple of years ago I ended up on dates with a string of guys who still lived at home / moved back home. I don't understand the lack of motivation to move out on your own. One man I was set up with by a matchmaking service, he didn't understand why I would be bothered by someone who was 38 and had never lived anywhere else but his parents house. He seemed thrilled that I owned my own place and was excited at the idea that if I met someone, I wouldn't mind living with them. We never ended up meeting, fortunately. You just never know in those situations how much mom still does for them. Even if they do their own laundry, do they think there is always laundry detergent on hand?

I ended up meeting a 25 year old with 2 jobs and an apartment (with a roommate). We see each other occasionally. An arrangement that is much preferred to someone living with their parents.

Female - 41.

Joe said:

"Her parents loved me, partially because they saw me as a way of getting her out."

Reminds me of what young women used to say before 1960 or so: "I got married so I could leave home."

(That is, those were the days when women who WANTED to leave their parents' home before finding a husband were often seen and treated as morally suspect, so they weren't necessarily lazy.)