Danielle Crittenden Dispenses With An Urban Legend
Absolutely hilarious piece by Crittenden on the HuffPo,"Bartender, a Dirty Martini With a Tampon!" about the silly alarm bells that have been sounded that kids are putting vodka-soaked tampons up their butts:
Carefully, I poured one ounce of vodka into each glass. Here were the results:I. Regular tampon in plastic applicator
Notes: At first glance, this looked like a cocktail you might be served at your gynecologist's Christmas party. No need for a garnish. My concerns about the plastic applicator, however, proved well-founded. It drank up a little, maybe half an ounce, before it could hold no more. Not even a 13-year-old would get tipsy from that. I moved on to the next beaker.
II. Super tampon in cardboard applicator
Notes: At first I was concerned the applicator might unfurl or dissolve, but this did not happen. The tampon slurped up the vodka a little faster than the one in the plastic applicator, but then seemed to pause at exactly the same point -- at half an ounce or so, before giving up. It looked slightly more engorged at the tip, like it was about to be sick. I tried stirring it around to see if it would seep up a more that way, but it didn't. Clearly, this tampon was not going to be able to hold its vodka either.
III. Super-plus tampon, no applicator
Notes: Poured it a double, on the assumption it could hold more than the others. Dropped it in the martini beaker like a bleached tea bag. It immediately tossed back one ounce... an ounce and a half maybe... swelling quickly with pride. Then it stopped. Wait, a super plus couldn't handle a double?? I swished it around, trying to mop up some more, but it was finished.
Conclusion on methodology: My experiment showed me that the soppy, unfurled tampon was the only way to go.
The Test
First I had to wring the damn thing out a little. I didn't want to lose too much of the vodka so I kind of shook it above the glass and gently squeezed it. I would estimate that about a half-ounce was lost. Then I looked at it a little despairingly. Well, friend, how were we going to do this?
I repaired to the bathroom and -- without too much information here -- managed to wad the thing up and push it in where it was supposed to go. (Did it help that I've had three kids? Possibly.) Girls, don't do this in your best party dresses: I think I lost another half-ounce in the process as it splattered on to my clothes and the floor. No need to say "Bottoms up!"
Reaction:
Oh sweet mother of Jeez----
Owwwwww.....
Absolut... firewater!!!!!!! Holy sheeeeeeeee...
It felt like someone had thrown a lit match in there. I began hopping around and breathing in the rapid, short puffs I'd learned in birth classes, so long ago, before I realized I didn't need to breathe like that if I took the epidural...
I appreciate the author's dedication to the scientific method.
Andrew Hall at November 23, 2011 2:41 AM
I was waiting for this to hit Mythbusters. Well, at least we know the answer.
MarkD at November 23, 2011 4:06 AM
I opened up your comment window thinking that some clever snark of a joke would come to mind and ... I got nothing. "on the rag" ... nope. "Tampax brand vodka" - no. getting drunk as "getting pissed" - not even.
OK. I give on this one. I really do have nothing.
BlogDog at November 23, 2011 5:08 AM
Big burning surprise: alcohol is poison.
Damn dedicated scientist, though.
Storm Saxon's Gall Bladder at November 23, 2011 5:22 AM
Okay, I gotta thank you for posting this. I needed a laugh this morning, and this was a riot.
cornerdemon at November 23, 2011 6:17 AM
There are some things that are just a little bit nuts...
Danielle, dynamite makes a little-bitty squeak just before it goes off - but you have to listen really close.
(No. Don't try that.)
Radwaste at November 23, 2011 6:39 AM
Don't feel bad, BlogDog, I couldn't come up with anything either. And I really wanted to.
Flynne at November 23, 2011 9:06 AM
Well, snarkless ones, apparently in this case, "I got the fire down below" is more apropos. :-)
WayneB at November 23, 2011 10:38 AM
Props to Miz Crittenden. She and her husband are probably going to be teased about it, but it's kind of fun to have that story deflated. (Though Amy's abstract is more than long enough.) Blogdog's right: An effort sincere as Crittenden's leaves nothing for the smart asses.
Offtopic: This is pretty cool. (Somewhere, someone is going to complain that it's a tragic theft of nature's very breath, a brutal squandering of the wind that belongs to the birds and the butterflies.)
Crid [CridComment at gmail] at November 23, 2011 10:44 AM
OT: Pretend you don't love twitter. Go ahead, pretend.
Crid [CridComment at gmail] at November 23, 2011 11:00 AM
But ... did she get drunk?
Conan the Grammarian at November 23, 2011 1:03 PM
My friend works as an ER Nurse. A man came in with 8 tampons stuck up his butt. He was doing it in front of his girlfriend.
She also had another man come in with an umbrella handle. My favorite one? A wrench.
Purplepen at November 23, 2011 2:46 PM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2011/11/23/danielle_critte.html#comment-2790850">comment from PurplepenA...wrench? There's a turn-on.
Amy Alkon
at November 23, 2011 2:53 PM
There are times that “If it fits, it ships.” is not the right answer.
Jim P. at November 23, 2011 4:48 PM
Did someone say wrench?
Radwaste at November 23, 2011 7:26 PM
I admire her dedication, but I just really don't want to read about a similar experiment with butt-chugging.
No, I really don't.
Radwaste - that is hilarious on so many levels. Obviously the company name (Ridgid, hehe), but I love their slogan "We build reputations"! Sure they do.
Ltw at November 23, 2011 8:23 PM
That is hilarious. I can't believe she actually tried to insert one, though - even *I* knew that was going to end badly.
Still, funny as hell.
Daghain at November 23, 2011 9:34 PM
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