Too-Nice Guys Alert: Dr. Robert Glover On Advice Goddess Radio Tonight
A lot of guys fail with women and fail in myriad areas of their lives because they only think they are nice guys; they are actually what I call "too-nice guys." I've written about them, quoting the terrific Dr. Robert Glover's terrific book, No More Mr. Nice Guy, here:
You call yourself a nice guy, but you're really a "nice guy," an approval-seeking, conflict-avoiding suckup. In "No More Mr. Nice Guy!" Dr. Robert Glover clarifies the difference. The "nice guy" might seem generous, but he actually isn't; he gives to get. He thinks he just has to hide how flawed he is and become what others want him to be, and he'll be loved, get his needs met, and have a problem-free life. This is unlikely to happen, as he's passive-aggressive, chronically dishonest, and brimming with "toxic shame." Thanks to a lifetime repressing his feelings and denying his needs, he's filled with rage, especially at women. Women, on the other hand, do love this guy -- to wash and wax their cars while they're on dates with guys they are sleeping with. And whaddya know, all it takes is calling him "the brick" instead of "a tool."
Another quote:
This guy sounds like the type that therapist Robert A. Glover describes in "No More Mr. Nice Guy" -- a guy who's not nice at all, but is filled with "toxic shame," and is so desperate for approval, especially from women, that he hides who he is and never asks for what he wants. Not surprisingly, he doesn't get a lot of dates, and tends to be filled with repressed rage and hatred for women. Glover told me that, in a relationship, this passive guy often turns passive-aggressive: He's chronically late and "forgetful," puts the woman down in public, and he's generally passively manipulative "because he never gets his way -- even though he's never asked for it."
Glover has very kindly agreed to be on the radio with me tonight -- Sunday from 7-8 p.m. Pacific, 10-11 p.m. Eastern. Show will be live at this link below, and you can also pick up the podcast there afterward.
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon/2011/12/12/advice-goddess-radio-amy-alkon
Feel free to post questions here for me to ask on the show if you don't feel comfortable calling in. There will also be a live chat room where you can post questions during the show, and I'll try to ask them for you. To call in when the show is live to talk to Glover and me: (347) 326-9761.
If you are a too-nice guy, call in and we'll disabuse you of your doormatty ways. And I highly recommend Glover's book. I probably recommend it once a week at least, and get many emails of gratitude back from men who've read it and who've used it to reshape themselves into the guys who get the girls and don't get walked on by anyone anymore.
I think a lot of guys go through a developmental stage of being a nice guy (not assertive, too needy), because they are new to relationships or that they're more oriented towards the more tradionally geeky areas (math, engineering, etc).
Andrew Hall at December 11, 2011 6:48 AM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2011/12/11/too-nice_guys_a_1.html#comment-2848499">comment from Andrew HallIt isn't just guys -- I think women go through a doormat phase as well. This show applies to them as well.
Amy Alkon
at December 11, 2011 7:53 AM
I think I need a therapist for problems like being too nice. Do you see clients from other cities?
James Essex at December 11, 2011 3:14 PM
I definitely went through this phase. The thing is, though, for all their desire for approval, doormats tend to irritate people. At work, I've seen over-niceness as a cover-up for a lack of competence. Suck-ups are annoying and they don't fool many people. The old "you should just know what I need" is a self-fulfilling prophecy that lets the doormat wallow in self-pity.
Self-respect is key here. Everybody doesn't have to like you. No need to start getting in people's faces, but setting boundaries and making reasonable requests is a good start.
I'm a former engineer, and a lot of my colleagues were passive-aggressive (they expected coworkers to somehow know what they wanted, for example). But being too nice? Not in my experience.
Lori at December 11, 2011 4:37 PM
"I definitely went through this phase. The thing is, though, for all their desire for approval, doormats tend to irritate people."
Been there. A lot of too-nice people are really scorekeepers; if they do something for you, that's a mark in their column and then you owe them. This gets really bad when the "favor" was something you didn't really want in the first place.
Cousin Dave at December 11, 2011 4:59 PM
A lot of too-nice people are really scorekeepers
I think everyone does keep scores. Ultimately, nothing in life is free, right?
People will definitely tend to expect reciprocation in some form or the other. It is a give and take and definitely, it cannot be that the person is just giving without taking anything in return.I don't think there is anything wrong in that unless they expect you to reciprocate by doing something that is very complex or risky. As long as they expect you to do as much for them as they do for you, I guess it is fine. If it crosses limits and being nice is a means of getting you trapped into doing something really big for the person, it is a different matter altogether.
Redrajesh at December 12, 2011 4:01 AM
How do I discover the things I like to do and stop trying to impress women?
Thanks Dr. Glover for helping us nice guys be better!
Brian at December 12, 2011 12:56 PM
Leave a comment