Joke, tragedy.

1 of 3 and 2 of 3 on why I think the popular American's "compassionate" thinking about…

…single motherhood and gay marriage is going to bite us in the ass. (3 of 3)

Joke, joke.

How 'boutthis?

If cops can afford these, then the citizens who hire the cops can afford them as well.

Wake up you weasels, it's Monday, and dawn is at close approach.c

Doctor, won't you please kiss me?" asks the young patient.

"No. You're a very beautiful woman, but it's against my code of ethics," replies the doctor.

"Please, just one kiss," she pleads.

"Sorry," says the doctor. "It's totally out of the question. I shouldn't even be fucking you."

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?'
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'
'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.
'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.
'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'
'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the bastard.'

A little untimely, I know, but I just love this one!

Oh, for the love of Christ.

This guy's having a really good Monday.

And up north, a campaign rolls onward....

Froggedness.

() All budget savings are based on this old joke.
  The boy ran into the house and said exitedly, "Dad, I saved a dollar today by running home behind the bus."
  The gruff father gave him the back of his hand. "Stupid child, you could have saved five dollars by running home behind a cab."

() How many people are needed to screw in a lightbulb? About 1000, according to Obama's stimulus plan.

() It doesn't much matter what you believe so long as you are not sincere.

() Obama's administration promises to unite White and Black, Left and Right, rich and poor, and True and False.

A man and woman are fucking when they see headlights in the driveway. "Quick, hide in the closet. My husband's home!"

In the closet, the man hears a small voice: "Gee, it's dark in here." He pulls the light cord and the little boy there says "If you give me $50, I'll get you out of the house safely. If not, I'll tell my daddy what you were doing."

The next day, the boy is counting his $50 when his mom notices and asks how he acquired it. The boy explains, and mom says "you know bribery is a sin, walk down to church right now and confess".

The boy walks to church, waits his turn, steps into the booth and closes the door. "Gee, it's dark in here."

"Kid, don't start that shit again."

Andrew-

Those jokes all sucked.

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.

Eric, in my defense, two of the jokes aren't mine, and they are all funnier when drunk.

Here are a few professional jokes to compare, with more at the link.
Late Nite One Liners

Conan O'Brien:

() Yesterday Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, and Mitt Romney all said that if elected president they would eliminate porn. In a related story, President Obama has already been re-elected.

() Mitt Romney went to a McDonald’s and ordered burgers and fries and apparently everything was going well until Romney asked the cashier if she could break a $1 million bill.

() Snoop Dogg endorsed Ron Paul for president. Snoop said he likes Paul’s positions on everything from legalizing pot to legalizing pot.

I heard this one years ago.

Then of course, there are always Little Johnny jokes.