French Child-Rearing, By Paul Rudnick
Rudnick writes in the New Yorker:
Americans are far too concerned with a child's self-esteem and accomplishments. The French woman knows that to build a child's inner strength it is best either to completely ignore the child or to belittle him. As I was giving birth to my daughter, I refused to put down my copy of French Vogue. When it was over, I turned to my husband and remarked, "I have just had an unusually large bowel movement that will never be as attractive as me." During my son's thirteenth-birthday party, I ordered him to remove all his clothing, and I told the assembled guests, "You see? That is why we raised him as a girl." My wisdom can be traced to the influence of my own mother. When I was five years old, I asked her, "What is love?" She took my small, flowerlike face in her slender hands and replied, "What do I look like, Yoda?"
This is hilarious!
NicoleK at March 20, 2012 1:36 AM
That was terrific! I loved the line about the dead mime. However, Carla Bruni is actually Italian nor French!
sheepmommy at March 20, 2012 7:24 AM
As noted in earlier times, Rudnick is good on this topic. This passage from him is one of the finest collections fof words in English:
Crid at March 20, 2012 7:34 AM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2012/03/20/french_child-re.html#comment-3083869">comment from CridFrom Fran Lebowitz, one of my favorite humorists:
Amy Alkon at March 20, 2012 7:49 AM
Amusing, but this hardly helps the average American to understand the difference between self-esteem and self-respect.
From my favorite family therapist:
"Some well-meaning folks suggest that there are two types of high self-esteem: a 'false' self-esteem that is a function of people patting you on the back and telling you how wonderful you are, and a 'genuine' self-esteem that is the result of significant accomplishment. In the words of a colleague and good friend, 'Genuine self-esteem comes from achievement, such as studying hard and making good grades, or practicing hard and excelling in a sport.'
"So where, I ask, does that leave the child who studies hard and still makes no better than C's? Or the child who is a klutz? Or the disabled child who has neither the mental nor physical ability to succeed at doing much more than everyday self-help tasks? No, accomplishment-based self-esteem is no better than affirmation-based self-esteem. The former is highly prejudicial, the latter is sinful-a form of self-idolatry. And make no mistake about, if you have high regard for yourself because of your accomplishments, then you are likely to have less than high regard for those who's accomplishments are not as 'worthy' as your own. In which case we are again talking about self-idolatry......
"......'So, John,' the impatient reader asks. 'Answer the question: (If "self esteem" is bad) What's good?'
"What's good is self-respect. Because it is not a function of significant accomplishment, anyone can acquire self-respect, even the C-student, the klutz, and the disabled child. Self-respect, furthermore, is not idolatrous. It is acquired not because parents praise you (although they should-conservatively), but because they love you unconditionally (as does the Lord), hold you completely responsible for your behavior (but forgive you your sinfulness), and insist that you obey (respect their authority) and mind your manners at all times (show respect for others). It is, in fact, axiomatic that self-respect cannot exist without respect for others......
"........Are self-confidence and self-respect interchangeable terms? Again, no. Self-confidence is specific to certain situations. For example, I feel very confident speaking to large groups of people, but I feel a distinct loss of confidence when I'm in deep water with sharks (I know, because I've been there, done that!). In fact, having confidence in a situation where you should not, where you should be on guard and charged with adrenaline, is foolhardy. But where self-confidence has, and should have, its ups and downs, self-respect is a constant.
"The self-respecting person, rather than being 'high' on him/herself, is modest, humble, even self-effacing at times-to again cite the apostle, a person of 'sober judgment.'
(end)
And here's what he published today:
http://www.kansascity.com/2012/03/20/3502108/living-with-children.html
Excerpt:
"Where confidence is concerned, there is no evidence to suggest that humble and confident are incompatible. By all accounts, George Washington was a very humble man who was more than a tad uncomfortable in the spotlight he'd been thrust into. Yet without the unwavering confidence he brought to his mission, the United States of America might not exist."
Check out his March 11 column too:
Q: "Our 8-year-old son was caught stealing from the teacher’s prize box at school. He has done this in the past and was punished, but it seems he hasn’t gotten the picture yet. Do you have any suggestions for us?"
(He rants about how "prize boxes" are just another bogus attempt to make kids confident without just cause, then finishes with):
"Where your son’s nimble fingers are concerned, I first recommend that his teacher make the prize box disappear.
"Since it won’t disappear, I encourage you to make him get up in front of the class and apologize to everyone. In addition, there should be extended consequences at home (e.g., early bedtime for a month) and school (e.g., no recess for a month)."
lenona at March 20, 2012 7:51 AM
Just to clarify - I was referring to Rudnick's writing, not Lebowitz's!
lenona at March 20, 2012 7:52 AM
"I don’t relate to children all that well. You can’t bum a cigar off them and they rarely pick up a check." -- delivered by Nathan Lane (from the television show, "Encore! Encore!")
Conan the Grammarian at March 20, 2012 10:02 AM
My favorite part of this piece was:
"The American woman obsesses over every calorie and sit-up, while in France we do not even have a word for fat. If a woman is obese, we simply call her American."
ahw at March 20, 2012 2:38 PM
I truly hope this is tongue in cheek. There is a difference between not praising a child for winning a trophy just because he was on a team; or even a trophy for lowest scorer and not giving praise; to outright humiliation.
I am not a fan of my mother; but if she had tried something like described above, her skull and a high-velocity projectile would have had an intersection many years ago.
Maybe it is a good thing that you can't own a gun in France.
Jim P. at March 20, 2012 9:33 PM
> I truly hope this is tongue in cheek.
Jimbo, have faith... The author is comfortably homosexual, and he's from New Jersey, not Provence.
Crid [CridComment at gmail] at March 20, 2012 9:41 PM
"During my son's thirteenth-birthday party, I ordered him to remove all his clothing, and I told the assembled guests, "You see? That is why we raised him as a girl."
I presume this is a joke too but I didn't find it funny at all.
I'm all for reversing the modern trend of cancerous rudeness but humiliation and cruelty aren't the best methods to use to mold a kind and empathic citizen.
RationalReader at March 21, 2012 7:11 PM
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