You people all out of funnies already?

A man is sitting at a bar, quietly enjoying his drink.

After a moment or so, a pirate comes out of the bathroom; he's got a parrot on his shoulder and a large tri-corner hat with a garish feather stuck in it. Well the man at the bar notices this pirate's fly is down, and there's a great big Spanish galleon-style steering wheel protruding from the opening.

"S'cuse me, Cap'" says the man, "But you have a steering wheel comin' out of your fly."

The pirate gives him a yellow-eyed look and says, "Yar! It's driving me nuts!"

How many boring people does it take to change a lightbulb?

One.

A police dispatcher getsa frantic call: "You have to help me," the man on the line says. "Jim and I were out hunting and he fell down a ravine and hit his head... I think he's dead."

The police dispatcher calmly says, "Now I want you to pay close attention stay calm, and do exactly what I say. First, I want need you to be sure your friend is really dead."

The hunter says, "Ok hold on a minute." For a moment there's quiet on the line, then suddenly, the dispatcher hears a loud gunshot: BLAM!

The hunter comes back on the line and says, "Well he was still writhing a little but I got him! Now what?"

"Sir, this is a feminist bookstore. We don't have a humor section."

An old man and an old woman are sitting together on the porch of a nursing home.

The old man says to her: "I bet you can't guess how old I am."

She replies: "Stand up."

He stands up.

She says "Drop yer drawers."

He drops trou and stands there proud as can be.

She says : "Turn around."

So he shuffles in a circle with his glorious manhood out for the world to see.

She says; "Hmm... 83."

He says ; "That's Incredible! How did you know I am 83 years old?!?"

She replies: "You told me yesterday."

Digging thought the John archives...

-----

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing -- 45 years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting a divorce!" she shouts. "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are not getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, Do you hear me?" and she hangs up.

The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. "OK," he says, "They're both coming for Thanksgiving and they're paying their own way!

I have learned that it is impossible to please everyone. But pissing everyone off is easy and funny as hell.

--Will Ferrell--

Brad,

"S'cuse me, Cap'" says the man, "But you have a steering wheel comin' out of your fly...."

I was expecting something like: And out pops one of Amy's commenter's stating "I'm driving to work!"

Zimbabwe.

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/82402191/

Somfin for da ladies...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qoVYWKHxIX8

Our Goddess out grocery shopping?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wt25DhaxvmI

During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

What is European heaven?

The British are the police.
The French are the cooks.
The Italians are the lovers.
The Swiss are the accountants.
The Germans are the efficiency experts.

What is European hell?

The British are the cooks.
The French are the efficiency experts.
The Italians are the accountants.
The Swiss are the lovers.
The Germans are the police.

Marry him.

People complain about defense spending, but I love this graphic. Love it like crazy.

53 years old, but this cracks my shit up.

> marry him.

You hopeless romantic. Why aren't you married?

Brazil has an aircaft carrier? Ain't they right next to Chavez y Chavez??? Across this line, you DO NOT...

>> cheap entertainment

When Dayton was that age he would leap out of the house when I fired up the leaf blower. We spent 10-15 minutes at a time him on his big wheel and me chasing him with the leaf blower.

On the way to the store I passed a mailbox. I thought, "Gee. I don't remember eatin' a mailbox."

I love this stuff when it happens to other people.

A man walks up to the bartender and says, "Y'see that cup over there? I'll bet $100 that I can piss in it from here!" The bartender readily agrees, because the shot glass is way over on the other side of the bar. So the man unzips and whips it out, then pisses in a million different directions, coming nowhere even close to the shot glass. Meanwhile the bartender's laughing so hard he can barely breathe.

"Pay up," gasps the bartender, so the man walks over and grabs $400 from a third guy playing pool. The bartender asks, "Why did that guy give you the money?"

And the first guy says, "Cause I bet him $400 I could piss all over your bar and you'd just laugh about it"

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

Dam!

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke?"

"Sir, this is a feminist bookstore. We don't have a humor section."

Q. How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. That's not funny!