I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You obviously haven’t been listening.”
Then the fight started.

Two atoms are walking down the street. The first one turns to the other and says, "Oh no! I think I lost an electron!"

The second one says, "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm positive!"

So, these four 4 stars from each branch of service are having a discussion on which one of their branches have the most balls. It gets heated and there's no real way to prove it so the Army general finally says, "Come with me guys, I'll show you something."

So, they head over to the nearest army base and the General finds the first soldier he runs accross. He says, "Soldier, I want you to take your rifle and shoot yourself dead!!"
The soldier sounds off, "YES SIR!" He pulls the rifle to his head and fires!
The general says, "THAT takes balls."

The Air Force general says, "That's nothing, lets go." They head to the nearest AF base where the General finds the first pilot he can and says,"Captain, I want you to fly your jet into that mountain range and burn yourself alive!" The pilot sounds off, "YES SIR!" and does so without thinking. He dies a fiery death.
The general, "THAT takes balls."

The Marine Corp General, not to be outdone, says, "Come with me boys, I've got you beat"
So, they head over to the nearest marine corp base and the General finds the first marine he runs accross. He says, "MARINE, I want you to lie down under that tank and let it CRUSH YOU feet first!"
The marine sounds off, "YES SIR!" He lays under the tank, it crushes him dead.
The General, "NOW THAT TAKES BALLS FAG****TS!"

They all looked at the Navy Admiral.,
Without pause he says, "You guys need to see this."
They stepped aboard the USS Kitty Hawk and the Admiral looks up and finds a sailor working aloft over 100 ft in the air.
He yells up, "SAILOR! I want you to jump down and kill yourself!"

Without hesitation the sailor calls back, "SIR, with all due respect GO F**K YOURSELF!"
The Admiral says, Now THAT takes balls boys."

http://soundcloud.com/soundhog/soundhog-whole-lotta-helter

One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.
As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine and pull out of the lot.
A few hours passed by and most of the other deer hunters had left by then, when the patron abruptly lifted his head, cranked the car up and drove out of the lot like a bat out of hell. The deputy followed him and stopped him promptly. He administered the breath-o-lizer test and it read 0.00.
Confused, the deputy asked the driver what the hell was going on. The driver looked at him innocently and said, "Well, tonight I'm the designated decoy."

CRID!! Simul-post!! Heeeheheee! Gotta love it...

ps I LOVE Led Zeppelin!

The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?"

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:" I've come for some courage."

"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well........., I.......I think I need a brain."

"DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"

Up stepped George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."

"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."

There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"Is Dorothy here?"

A C, an E-Flat, and a G walk into a bar. What happens?

Well, the E-Flat is tossed out into the street. Why? The bar doesn't serve minors!

The C and the G split a fifth between them.

More photos, Amy. If Greg won't take them for you, steal them from others.

Smilin' Ray.

Shame.

In 1977, I knew my feet would never look better than they did in these shoes... And yet I was indisputable heterosexual! Ironic, right? It was just endlessly amusing to me that they could warp the leather into that toe-shape without a seam. If anybuddy ever spots a pair of these, 8½ in sand-color, pick 'em up for me and I'll send you a check.

Know what I hate most about ascendant China? The way the freeze their little girls in midair and make 'em just wait their. Cruel... Cruel.

comedic, arty

Amy, they were GORGEOUS. Take it back.

Sometimes when people try to set aside their erotic feelings, it doesn't work out.

A favorite map of my nation. Remember that next time you get upset about the newspaper or your twitter feed.

Darth Tater

Girl in pool

Crid, I bought my first pair of earth shoes just out of high school. I. LOVED. THEM.

So comfy! But not so pretty. I bought the dark brown ones. Cause they didn't have black ones.

Fuckin' incredible.

I remember BILL CULLEN as an old man.

> So comfy! But not so pretty.

May-yuuunh, youze wominz is harsh.

Well if you didn't like the Earth Shoes (futuristic club foot fashion!), what DID you like about 1970's styles?

Read this joke, and now it's like a bad song I can't get out of my head. Hopefully it'll now become your problem:

A man is in court for murder and the judge says, ''You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.''

Then a voice at the back of the court says, ''You bastard.''

The judge continues, ''You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer.''

Again the voice at the back of the court says, ''You bastard.''

The judge says, ''Now, we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! What is the problem?''

The man at the back of the court says, ''Fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a hammer he said he never had one!''

Judge: "I'm sorry Mr. Mouse. I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds that your wife is crazy. I see no evidence of insanity."

Mickey Mouse: "I didn't say she was crazy, your honor. I said she was fucking Goofy."

A chemical engineer, a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civil engineer were arguing about what type of engineer God is. Of course, since they're engineers, they all think they're right.

So the Chem-E gets up and declares,"God had to be a chemical engineer. Look at all of the veins and chemical flow rate problems in the human body!"

But the others would have none of it. "No way. Look at all the joints and motion in the human body. God had to be a mech-e," declared the mechanical engineer.

But the electrical engineer couldn't believe it. "No way. Look at all the electric currents in the nervous system. God had to be an electrical engineer."

But the civil engineer wouldn't have it. "Come on guys, you're overlooking the obvious. God had to be a civil engineer. Look at the female body. He ran a sewer through a playground."