Chow down

So, I'm watching TV and this guy comes on in an ad telling me about his exercise system that uses "muscle confusion." As much as I wonder how something nonthinking can get "confused," I know that if I started going to the gym I'd get immediate "muscle confusion" along the lines of my muscles going "What the FUCK do you think you're doing?"

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I juggle them in my act."
"Oh, yeah? Says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it.” The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch.
"Wow" says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!

Actually, penicillin is the best medicine to put me in anaphalactic shock.

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

Some people ask why we love Los Angeles so much…

But these people have never had mindblowing mid-day sex with a beautiful, eager blond.

They've never had ride through the hills in an elegant ragtop.

They've never admired the sway of the palm fronds in the warm winter breeze off the ocean.

And they've never felt a kinship to our finest President.

These people are to be pitied.

The Catholics decided to have a church service.

You'll never guess what happened.

NJ Balko

I tried to hurt his feelings, the old-fashioned way: By being RIGHT.

What happens when penicillin goes bad? Does it get moldy?

OK, that was funny.