From the John Files
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A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was simply addressed, "Mom."

With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

 

Dear Mom,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with John and he is so nice

Even with all his piercing, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion mom, I'm pregnant and John said that he will take care of me and we will be very happy.

He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so John can get better; he sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter,
Susan

PS: None of the above is true.

I'm next door. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card which is in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

This really happened: I was at the office yesterday when my wife called me. She was at a local auto dealer, tyring to sell an old car we needed to unload. "They're offering one thousand," she told me over the phone. "Is that okay?"

"That should be fine," I said, since it was about what I expected we'd get for it, or maybe a little more.

My wife said, "Okay, I'll tell them, honey. Bye." Just before she clicked off, I heard my wife say, "My husband says one thousand two hundred!"

One more reason that Old RPM Momma is irreplaceable.

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.

She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door.

She proclaims, "I want to join your biker club."

The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asks her, "You have a bike?"

The little old lady says "Yeah, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.

The biker asks her "Do you smoke?" The little old lady says, "Yeah, I smoke. I smoke four packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is impressed and asks, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady says, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down.

"What can I get you?" asked the bartender.

"Anything but a Canadian Club" replied the seal.

Virginity.

Guy walks into a bar. After drinking 2-3 drinks, he announces loudly for all patrons to hear," All lawyers are assholes."

Nearby patron angrily replies," I resent that remark."

Drinking guy: " Why? Are you a lawyer ?"

Nearby patron: " No. I'm an asshole."

> Nearby patron:

That's golden