Lttle Johnny walks into the bathroom just as mom is stepping out of the shower. Looking up at her crotch he asks, "what's that"? to which mom, quickly thinking, replies " that's where daddy hit me with an axe." Little johnny says "jeez, right in the twat, eh"

Little Johnny was puzzled as to his origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?" he asked.
His mother said, using a well-worn phrase, ...."God sent you."

"And did God send YOU, too Mommy?", asked Johnny.

"Yes, Johnny, He did.", she replied.

"And GRANDMA and GREAT-GRANDMA and DADDY, too?"

Again the answer was "Yes, Johnny, He did."

Little Johnny shook his head in disbelief. "Then you mean to tell me no one in this family has gotten laid for 200 years?!?!? Well...that explains why everyone is so damn cranky !"

Four year old Little Johnny was visiting grandma's house for the week and one day she decided it would be all right if he had a shower with her. As they were showering Johnny looked at her and asked, "What is that?" pointing to her private parts.

Grandma was a little shocked and replied, "That is my beaver."

A couple of weeks later Little Johnny was home again and ended up in the shower with his mother. He looked at her and said, "What is that?"

His mother said, "That is my beaver."

Little Johnny thought for a little while and then said, "That is what grandma called it too but I think hers was dead because it's tongue was hanging out."

A Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad's do for a living.

Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."

Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."

All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.

The teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"

Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."

"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died ?"

"He turned blue and shit on the carpet."

The teacher was going around the classroom, asking the students to tell what their parents do for a living.

She gets to little Johnny, and he says "Dad's a stripper and male gigolo, he'll sleep with anybody or anything for $50/hr."

She whisks him out of the classroom. "Johnny! That's not true and you know it!" she demands.

"Shhh!" Little Johnny shushes her as he looks around, "Yeah, he works as a TSA screener, but
I can't tell 'em THAT, I've got to come up with SOMETHING more respectable!"

SETI Discovers Intelligent Extraterrestrial Life -- Obama campaign not happy.

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed. For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church?

No?
St. Peter told him that's bad. Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities?

No?

St. Peter told him that that too was bad.

Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything?

No?

St. Peter was becoming concerned. Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"

The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".

"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?

"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.