I've been married for almost 30 years. One of the thing that makes it work is that there is OUR life, MY life and HER life. I don't want to know everything. I have things I don't want her to know, and she knows that. If she needs to know, I tell her, but there are things about my past that are NO ONE'S business.
Anyone who did demand that would get an earfull from me. And would immediately be my EX. We're married, not joined at the hip.

I cannot imagine either of us sneakily searching through the other's email, or other private communications, at any point in time. That would be intrusive and offensive.

My wife handles all of the finances, which means that she opens bills, bank statements, and such. Some of these are addressed to me (not to both names). I found that it bothered me when she opened mail addressed to me, and asked her to stop. So when that happens, she hands me the letter, I open it and hand it back. Completely irrational on my part, but people sometimes are.

Even though we've been together more than 20 years, and have no trust issues, it would bother me if my wife opened mail addressed to me. No reason, really, it would just bug me. She knows it, so she doesn't.

Why would you want your partner's passwords unless you thought they were hiding something? If you don't trust them then leave. Do you think they will be better because you can watch their every move? Grow up.

random_guy, I'm with you on the irrational mail thing. I can't bring myself to open any mail not addressed to me, but I don't mind my husband opening mine. I must have opened somebody else's mail as a kid and gotten a good scolding or something.

We have each other's email passwords. I can't speak for my guy, but when I need to get into his account to get a password reset link or something, I go in, find the thing I need (that is usually at the top of the inbox) and leave. Just because I could look at everything doesn't mean I should.

I have my husband's email password because he's given it to me so I can print stuff (or find stuff for him) from the office. I don't check it, though. I also have his facebook password, because I set up his account for him. I don't get on there, either, unless it's at his request (to help him change his security settings or change a picture or whatever.) I've given him my passwords but I don't think he remembers them. We don't have any reason to snoop on each other, anyway. I pay the bills, and I'll open the stuff I know is a bill (because it says, "Texas Gas Service" or whatever,) but I don't open anything that looks personal. I don't go through his text messages or go poking around in his in-boxes.

I think a certain level of privacy is almost necessary in a relationship. When we started dating, my wife was one of those people who wanted to see all my emails and messages. I never budged on it, and she quickly realized it wasn't necessary, and definitely wasn't worth it.

Well, it is a federal offense to open mail that's not addressed to you, but that's not why I don't open BF's mail, even though he tells me to all the time. I just don't do it because I wouldn't want him to open mine. When something comes in the mail that's addressed to both of us (invitations, holiday cards or whatever), usually he just gives it to me to open. Bills and such I take care of, but I give them to him to open if it's in his name (the water bill and mortgage are in his name, cable, electric and gas are in mine), and he opens it and gives it back to me. And like ahw, I set up most of his emails and stuff, at his request, so I know his passwords. Still don't snoop. He doesn't snoop around my stuff either. Trust. Yep, we've got it.

Married 12 years and definitely believe in certain levels of privacy. When he goes to Vegas with his buddies, I just ask how much money he won/lost to balance the checkbook. I don't ask what they did, because I trust him, and that is his time. I know him well enough to know he's not hooking up with some stripper. That's just not his style.

I think that not knowing everything keeps things interesting. Some times he still surprises me, and I love that. If I knew everything, that element of surprise may be gone. Boring!

I have all my wife's passwords to her online accounts (I set them up). However, I don't open them, or go into her purse, or open her mail without asking her first.

There is a box in our guestroom closet that my wife had before we met. I don't know what's in it and have never looked. We've been living together (in sin and otherwise) for over fifteen years.

I remember a line from EdTV: "Without privacy there is no dignity."

That pretty much sums it up.

Yeah, it's a trust issue.

If you can't trust me without the interrogation treatment and access to my email then you will never trust me. Because you'll never know if I'm telling the whole truth, or just enough to get you off my back.

At which point, I'd help that poor woman out by lacing up my steel-toed boots and kicking her to the curb.

My husband and I have been married almost 5 years. It just occurred to me that I probably do know his passwords, because people tend to reuse them and we share several accounts, e.g. Paypal. I would never invade his privacy, because I don't think I would learn anything I don't already know or don't care to know, like a bunch of boring stuff about this work. Sometimes I open his mail. Sometimes I'll hand him a sealed envelope and he'll ask why I didn't open it.

I also don't understand why some people want to know every detail of their partner's past sexual history. What is there to gain from that? My husband was a virgin when we met. I had several sexual partners before him, and he has absolutely no interest in hearing about any of them. He's never even asked me for a number.

From my standpoint, nothing too different from what everybody else has written. We've been married 17 years, and each of us could easily get into the other's Facebook, but neither of us bother to. And as others have said, regarding the need to know everything: Oh cripes, why?

Continuing with the Facebook example, I think part of it is making sure your spouse knows if any information appears she might otherwise wonder about. When my old high school girlfriend dropped me a friend request, I made sure my wife knew about it. Not that there was anything to worry about (the old girlfriend's been happily married more than two decades), but I'd rather have her know and not question than the other way around.

Just going through the other person's stuff for no reason is creepy and odd. But, at the same time, when people are in a serious relationship, I can't understand why they get touchy about privacy issues when there's not true snooping. My husband (of 11 years) and I know most of each other's passwords, not because we insist on it, just because we occassionally have to get into the other's stuff for some reason and are not going to bother acting all secretive about it. We've shared most electronics (we have our own cell phones now, but have shared one in the past, and we only have one laptop for the 2 of us), and I think that it would be really, really weird if I were to, say, pick up his phone (say, because mine was dead or I needed a number from his contacts) and have him act as if I was violating some sort of privacy. The same with him picking up the laptop with my email (which I generally leave open) on it. What would either of us have to hide? It doesn't make any sense to me.

My partner's fantasies are her most private thoughts and thus deserve the highest level of respect for privacy.
I couldn't get that in return until I really committed to the relationship. Perhaps some of the guys who write you are encouraging their partner's insecurity.

"If you can't trust me without the interrogation treatment and access to my email then you will never trust me."

I don't think that's universally true. My last relationship started out as 'just fucking' and over a year and a half evolved into love, pride, respect. To tell the truth, I was trying to fuck around on her at first and she should absolutely not have trusted me. A year and a half later I was as loyal as a golden retriever. Maybe some of these guys need to earn their partner's trust. But most of it is probably female insecurity based on a lack of acceptance of male sexuality. No, he does not think of you in the shower, he thinks about his ex. Get over it.

How many of these letter writers are in a relationship with asymmetrical commitment?

My ex-husband and I knew each other's passwords, but only because we occasionally needed access. We never looked for anything else. I never looked in his wallet and he was terrified of my purse. He refused to text prior to our divorce, and I rarely did, although I can't imagine that having been an issue either.

On the other hand, I know two men, both highly educated professionals, whose wives track them like criminals via their cell phone.

In fact, I get letters from women who are indignant that a boyfriend won't give them their passwords.

A woman demands my passwords, I leave. Giant warning sign.

(Ditto for a notional man demanding the same of a notional woman; massive insecurity at best, totally controlling at worst. Bad juju.)

(Now, giving them one for some good reason for a period of time or indefinitely? Absolutely.

Demanding them, just because they want to check stuff?

Oh, God no.)

(Side note, I totally want to drive to work in a pirate now.)

I never snoop into my husband's stuff because I trust him completely. All his passwords are his own, and I don't look at his phone or his email. When he comes home late at night, I don't need to know where he was, just that he intends to be home late and isn't dead in a ditch. There's nothing to indicate that he's been dishonest. He even tells me his passwords from time to time so I can handle certain things, and I forget them immediately, because I don't care.

With my ex-husband, I started off the same way. But then, when I was packing our stuff for a move, I found some letters I had written him when we were dating. I read them, since that's not exactly a privacy violation. I was touched that he kept them. Mixed in with the letters was another letter from an ex-girlfriend. It was dated for after we were married, and yes, I read it. The contents tipped me off that maybe he wasn't so trustworthy. I didn't start digging into his email until years later, when I just needed enough evidence to leave. Turns out he was having an affair with his ex, among others.

Maybe it was wrong, but I can't bring myself to feel bad about it. He was a fantastic liar. Asking him point blank got me nowhere. If I hadn't snooped, I'd probably still be wondering.

Twitter

> when that happens, she hands me the letter, I
> open it and hand it back. Completely irrational
> on my part, but people sometimes are.

I wouldn't know for my own experience, but would bet that a lot of really great marriages are based on exactly that kind of patience with each other.

> A woman demands my passwords, I leave.
> Giant warning sign.

I hope never to date women who "demand" things like that, but Siggy's point is well taken. People who are fascinated with snooping and secrecy and countermeasures and all the rest don't just step out of nowhere. The things they say at that first dinner by the beach and their descriptions of the other people in their lives and the experiences they've had are designed to let you know what kind of ride you're going to have.

People tell you how they feel about jealousy and fidelity and argument and even violence. It's an invitation to a dance.

These people find each other.

Monica, if you had reasonable suspicion, that's another matter. (Did you suspect something before you found the letter from the ex?) We're talking about people who thing they should have the right to snoop in their spouse's life, just because. My general theory has always been that you should trust someone who is close to you, until and unless they give you reason to do otherwise. Even then, you may be wrong, so it pays to be discreet.

A few years ago I made a list of passwords for things I'd want my wife to be able to access if something happened to me. I put it in a file labeled "Just In Case", and showed my wife where it was. She cried when I showed it to her. I doubt that she's looked at it since then. We each have our own bank accounts (practical matter; it avoids any accidental bouncing of checks), but both our names are on both accounts, and we can each see both accounts in the bank's online system. The last time I looked at hers was a couple of years ago when she asked for help sorting out something (double-hit on a Paypal transaction). If she's ever looked at mine, she hasn't said anything about it.

I work in defense and she works in medicine, so there are aspects of both of our jobs that we can't tell each other about, and we've both long since accepted that. I do know of guys who have wound up divorced because of doing classified work that they couldn't tell their spouses about. Among the guys who do "black projects", it's pretty common.

Whatever happened to manners? The rule used to be a gentleman does not read another gentleman's mail, and the same applied to ladies. The only exceptions to that anyone has mentioned here are all pratical expediencies, where basically one spouse has delegated the other to handle something he/she can't at the moment, and that's not the same at all.

So basically we all agree. When has that ever happened here?

I think that this goes beyond trust, or respect, and into how a person treats you if and when you make anything they perceive as a "Mistake". No matter if it's 10 years ago or yesterday, if I did something that bothered my husband I would expect to talk it out, and it would end there. Over, Done with, Gone. I learn from my mistakes, not from having them re-hashed and thrown in my face repeatedly.

People who snoop are looking for ammunition. The need to hurl these things in the other person's face over and over again is childish, stupid, and counter-productive. It's emotional blackmail.

Eh, if you're married, and you have kids, AND your partner is behaving in a way that is very suspicious, you do have a right to know certain things. Really-if it's check an email to see if he's cheating, or divorce him because you think he might be, which is worse?

I don't read DH's mail, because I couldn't care less. I'm not sure that's the healthiest way to be in a marriage. I certainly wouldn't put my simply not caring over someone else's caring a LOT.

Of course, he hasn't given me reason to think anything. Then again, maybe he has but I've not been interested enough to see it? Who can ever really know themselves that well? Maybe I'm so into my kids he could set off an A-bomb and I wouldn't know-who knows?

The couples who only HAVE one address? Like "kimandjohn@blahblah.com"? I do NOT get those people, at all. Get a life!

I was a big believer in personal privacy until my wife used my trust against me. When I finally resorted to snooping, I was stunned at what I found. There were no affairs, but disloyalty in every other respect that was arguably far worse. In short, my wife wasn't just emotionally abusive, but a conniving, lying, backstabbing bitch. I'm still surprised at how good my ex was at lying and presenting such a false persona.

(My ex fools just about everyone. Several people who say they don't trust her, still do. It's very weird. Fortunately, my two oldest realized soon after the divorce that they'd been fooled as well. I have reason to suspect our youngest also knows the truth, but is keeping her mouth shut. Child 3 is the nicest dork you could ever meet who genuinely thinks ill-will of no one.)

Don't worry Joe, you'll get child number three in your camp one day. Keep at it. Once you get all of your children turned against her, you'll win!

Sheesh.

I know all the passwords to my husbands email, fb account etc and he knows mine. I have no reason to snoop and vice versa. Heck I even take his smart phone every now and then when my cell battery is dead and the only thing he has to worry about is if I post something really wrong on his fb account :) and yes I have been tempted lmao.

It comes in handy if one of us needs information from an email etc the other one can get to it quickly.

Personal stuff: my partner has my email, FB, G+ passwords and Password Safe meta-password; they can access anything they need, when they need it, and I trust them to exercise discretion.

Work stuff: I keep the relevant passwords secret because that's what I agreed to, and respect my partner by never storing in my work account anything that's not work related.

I'm loving the "is he a cheater? Check his email and find out" ad up above this!

I used to worry about who I associated with and such way back when because I had an active TS clearance that I used in my day-to-day job in the USAF. Cousin Dave is so right that the paranoia can leave you fucked up for years.

Since that is now so far back in my past, I no longer worry about it.

But if a "lady" were to demand my passwords, they would get the same response that an employer would get: "Thank you, but no thank you. See you later."

Momof4, you made me laugh about the couples who share an email. I know a couple like that and what makes it even more annoying is that they have an electronic signature that signs both of their names so you never know who you are speaking to in email or who you are hearing from. How freakin annoying!

I was married to a cheater and dated a few along the way. I never snooped. I really didn't need to snoop to get that feeling that I wasn't really being respected and cared for in the important ways. I haven't dated in awhile but the last one had no interest in my emails and such. His attitude was that if I thought better was out there, go have at it. I liked that attitude.

...but would bet that a lot of really great marriages are based on exactly that kind of patience with each other. -- Crid

Ditto.

Patience with each other's foibles and idiosyncrasies requires a great deal of confidence in one's self and trust in one's choice of partner.

Everyone knows a couple where the husband has this weird joke he likes to make at parties, and then he watches everyone's eyes to make sure they "get" it. He cocks his jaw open so he can start laughing along even sooner, and starts scanning the circle.

And everyone's thinking 'Dude, that's completely fucked up' or 'Dude, that thing you just said lives fifty miles away from Funnyville'.

And you look at the wife and she's impassive. Not pissed, not embarrassed, not rolling her eyes and making blowjob gestures, not trying to shovel out fiftywordsinasentence about how she doesn't get it either. She loves the guy and is waiting patiently for the more-fun stuff. This is the price people pay sometimes.

I remember walking into a coffeehouse in West LA once where a middle-aged man was walking out really slowly, looking downward, with ponderous steps, cleaning his chomps with a toothpick. And I thought, man, these people must serve weak coffee. Then I got inside and a middle-aged woman was finishing off some kind of angry rant about how they hadn't gotten the service they'd deserved. The details weren't clear, but there was real personal tinge to it, as if the waitress had selected them for maltreatment. And the waitress was a little pissed off herself, but was polite as she she turned to clean off their table while the customer left the building to catch up with her husband, who was only a few steps ahead... He hadn't ditched her during the confrontation, he just knew it wasn't about him.

And I thought, this guy loves this woman. He's tried before to talk her out of getting cranked about these things, but it hasn't worked and he loves her anyway.

My wife has all my email passwords, full power of attorney, medical power of attorney, etc. etc. I have all of the same on her. I can trust her completely, or I dont need to be married to her. I have nothing to hide, or I don't need to be married to her. I brook no discussion on the subject of deception. I wont tolerate it, and I dont expect anyone else to. I have lied to women and been lied to to the point where it just wasnt something to be concerned about anymore. I was through being in something I wasnt 100 percent about, and if she didnt feel the same way, the sooner that was all found out, the better. Dont know how that works for others, but when I hear the guys and gals around me talk about their relationships, I thank god for mine.

You think you should worry that she'll read your stuff when she demands your passwords?

You should worry that she'll send out emails under your signature from your account once she has them, that she'll sign you up for newsletters advocating jihad, that she'll get your credit card numbers and order things, that she'll write threatening emails from you to politicians (and maybe even higher life forms, like pond scum).

Privacy isn't the issue. Setting yourself up to be destroyed - that's the issue.

Gog doesn't know I wrote this.

Whistledick, you missed the point. Parental alienation is real. Emotional abuse is real. A spouse isolating another through various means, including spreading terrible lies is a real thing.

I naively thought I had insulated my children from the abuse of their mother. To an extent, I had, but it had gone much further than I'd realized. A trust I thought existed didn't.

Months after our divorce, our oldest daughter came to me and told me just how far the lies had gone; that at the time of the divorce she hated me because she'd believed those lies. I answered her questions honestly. This wasn't about alienating her or her siblings from their mother, but simply letting them know the truth about who I was and what had happened.

By contrast, I have a sister-in-law on my side who refused to talk to me. She openly admits that my ex is a liar and can't be trusted, but believes almost every word my ex said. I make no attempts to win her over, but have written her a letter telling her that if she wants to ask me anything, I'll give the most honest answer I can.

Ultimately this is about an insecure controlling person. Those that are like that will do ugly things, and those who aren't wont. Key to that is to watch for warning signs, but you can't always recognize the depth a person is willing to go, once they feel they were wronged. I've been divorced long enough that it wasn't relevant at the time electronically... But my ex had a constant need to know where I was, what I was doing. It didn't bother much bacause I'm boring old mr. normal, but it was indicative of how things were playing out.

I think it was smurfy who mentioned 'asymmetrical' and it was. I've seen it many times where on partner is entirely accepting and the other is frantically trying to control or change the accepter. And the more you accept, the nastier they get.

For the advice racket, I know nothing better than to say: don't crucify your current partner for the sins of you last one. Going in with eyes open is different than presupposing it's always going to be bad.

That only works on a few people tho, ones who are of good heart. The insecure controller will always be that, and they always seem to poison relationships they have.

Any man who would stick his dick in a woman who demands his password is a man who is sticking his dick in *CRAZY*.

Guys: Do not stick your dick in crazy. It just leads to unwanted children and drama for bystanders.

Now, I am married. I have a sealed envelope with my passwords in it in case I DIE. But we both know to stay out of each others shit.

People who demand to see your private shit are shits who don't deserve your privates.

//Before I sound too sexist... I've been with crazy dicks before.

Y'know, when this topic comes up, there are always people who say 'You never know who's going to be a psycho! You can NEVER tell! Nobody EVER knows if someone's telling the truth!'

This isn't meant to harsh anyone's mellow... But I'll never believe it. My life has had a number of gruesome romantic crashes, but none for infidelity.

More to the point, I know a LOT of profoundly secure and happy couples who trust each other deeply, and OUGHT to trust each other.

> Gog doesn't know I wrote this.

> Posted by: Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at May 12, 2012 10:00 AM

As Pirate Jo likes to say, "threadwin." Amy, give him a sports bottle.

"Gog doesn't know I wrote this."

I'll second Crid's nomination. That was funny as hell.

"And I thought, this guy loves this woman."

Damn, Crid, you even tell other people's stories well. Please, please write a book. Let it all out!

If you don't trust your partner, why are you with him/her?

Man, my best friend got married a year ago and sent me her new email address. Apparently her and her husband now have a single joint email address?

My reaction: "Bwuhhhh?"

I have no interest in what Dearly Beloved is emailing or texting. Like, so little interest I couldn't be bothered to read his messages if he left his stuff open in front of me. If someone ever told me they needed my email password I would run, run, run the other way.