When Atheists go to court, do they have to swear on the bible?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Can you cry under water?

How can something be "new" and "improved"? if it's new, what was it improving on?

Why do people say "heads up" when you should duck?

Comparing Pope Benedict XVI With Joseph Stalin

A man is stuck in traffic. He asks a police officer about the hold-up and he replies: "The head of the Bank Of England is so depressed about the economy he's stopped his car and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. So we're taking up a collection for him."

The man asks: "How much have you got so far?"

The policeman replies: "About 40 gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning."

Really Andrew...
What about Beria
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lavrentiy_Beria#Sexual_assault_charges

So Stalin and the Pope are the same after all.

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

Mother's Dictionary of Meanings

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full Name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Independent: How we want our children to be for as long as they do everything we say.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.

Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-Minute Warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar-grunting noises.

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.

She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.

"Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?"

A well dressed man stopped in a local bar during a rain storm and ordered a shot of 12 year-old scotch.The bartender thought he was some wise ass and served him some 2 year-old scotch. The man said "this is 2 year old scotch and I'm not paying for it." Thinking he was just lucky the bartender poured him a shot of 8 year-old scotch. Tasting it the man said "This is year old scotch and I'm not paying for it." Finally he bartender served him some of the owners 12 year-od scotch. The man said "That's 12 year-old scotch, here's your money." A wino sitting at the end of the bar slid up a shotglass and said "try this." The man gagged and said "this tastes like piss"--the wino said "yeah--but how old am I?"

Your mama again:

Your mama's so fat that when she turns around in the shower, she rubs the door and all three walls at once.

Your mama's so short that in her driver's license picture, you can see her feet.

Your mama's so fat that not only can she not see her feet, nobody can see her feet.

Your mama's so fat that her underwear was inspected by Nos 12, 13, 14 and 15, working in shifts.

Your mama's so fat she has an eighteen-piece bathing suit.

Your mama's nasty, too. She went into the locker room, and the whole team ran out with flour on 'em!

Your mama's so ugly that when she goes to the doctor, they take three tries to figure out which end is the front!

And finally, (yay)...

Your mama's so ugly that when Crid saw her, he said, "That's not funny."

Ever hear the one about the Spleen Hammer?

It seems a famous doctor in his later years announced he was testing a cure for teenage acne. Funding secured and volunteers at the ready, he prepared a group of 13-year-olds for the procedure, and then would follow their progress up until they were 18. All in all, a reasonable method of doing things.

The control group was selected, and the experimental group was readied for surgery. The doctor's research drew a connection between acne and spleen injuries, and his method was to forcibly remove the subject's spleen with a claw-hammer like device to replicate the injury condition. Now with all the surgeries completed, all that was left to do was wait and observe.

Unfortunately, after six months, all the experimental subjects had died from complications due to surgery. Ever the empiricist, the doctor announced that the experiment was incomplete as five years had not passed. However, he would re-examine his process and find a solution.

The next year, he called for more volunteers. This time, he would use a bigger hammer.