How long does it take to ship tea from China by slow boat?
Oolong Time!
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What does a teapot say to her hairdresser?
Don't teas
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What does the teapot say to its bag?
I don't want another seep out of you!
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What kind of music do teapots like?
Jasmine
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Why did the teapot wear a cozy?
Cozy kept him warm.
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Why must you be careful of tea at night?
Because it might mug you.
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What does a tea bag do when it's tired?
It seeps.
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What do lady teapots like to wear?
String of Earls!

www.thesnooze.com/comedypaper/tea.html

Q: What's the difference between a Volvo and the principal's office?
A: It's less embarrassing if your friends see you leaving the principal's office.

Q: Why do they put sidewalks beside most streets and highways?
A: So Volvo owners have a safe place to walk home.

Q: What's the difference between a Volvo and a Porcupine?
A: When it comes to a Volvo, the prick is on the inside.

Q: Why do they fit ABS braking systems to the latest Volvos?
A: So the driver can stop quicker to pick up the fallen off parts.

Q: How do you make a Volvo go faster downhill?
A: Turn off the engine.

“According to the TSA, most of the people protesting the new body search procedures are men. At last they're getting to see what it's like to be groped by someone who won't take no for an answer.” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday a woman wore a bikini to LAX airport hoping to avoid the pat down. She is still being patted down.” –Conan O'Brien

“Have you heard the TSA's new slogan? 'We handle more junk than eBay.'“ -Jay Leno

“TSA says they are going to crack down on the invasive pat-downs. In fact, one agent was transferred to another parish.” –David Letterman

“I was over at Burbank airport and you could tell it's Thanksgiving. I saw a TSA agent probing a guy with a turkey baster.” –Jay Leno

“The TSA says they will allow pilots to pass through security more easily than before. I'd be happy if the pilots just went through the breathalyzer.” –Jay Leno

“This year marks the first Thanksgiving in which travelers will get molested before they get to their uncle's house.” -Seth Meyers

“'Has anyone handled your bags?' 'Yes. You. Right now.'“ -Seth Meyers

“You know, if I wanted somebody halfheartedly patting my groin without eye contact, I'd get married.” -Seth Meyers

“The TSA has issued some special packing tips for travelers before Thanksgiving weekend. They say not to bring food, sharp tools, or any shred of dignity.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Hillary Clinton said on CBS that she would not submit to a pat-down, to which Bill Clinton said, 'Tell me about it.'“ –Jay Leno

“In San Diego, a man refused to be patted down by airport security and some people are calling him a hero. I don't mind being patted down by airport security, but I don't like it when the guy says, 'Now you do me.'“ –Conan O'Brien

“People are concerned that the new airport security scanners could lead to pictures of their genitals ending up on the Internet. Apparently no one has told them that without pictures of genitals, there would be no Internet.” –Conan O'Brien

“The major pilots unions are complaining about the use of full-body scanners and these pat-down techniques at the airport. Pilots say the searches make it almost impossible for them to smuggle in liquor.” –Jay Leno

“The day before Thanksgiving is National Opt-Out Day, where people are being asked to boycott the TSA's full-body scanners. Sponsors of the event say people shouldn't be made to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable while traveling. That's what Thanksgiving with your family is for.” –Jimmy Fallon

“It was bad enough when the TSA agents would go through your underwear in your luggage. Now they're going through your underwear while you're wearing it.” –Jay Leno

“Now, to make it worse, the airlines are charging a $15 molestation fee.” –Jay Leno

“You can opt out of the full-body scan and choose the alternative, letting the TSA touch your T&A. It's just like an 8th grade basement make-out party, except instead of your mother interrupting, she’s getting stroked in the next line.” –Stephen Colbert

“TSA Chief John Pistole says he and his boss Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano have each personally received the more invasive TSA patdown. They both had it. Ya, it's been called the world's least sexy threesome.” –Conan O'Brien

“At the airport if you refuse to be patted down, they arrest you. And what’s the first thing they do when they arrest you? They pat you down.” –Jay Leno

a href="http://www.laughinginpurgatory.com/2012/04/new-study-finds-catholic-clergy-are.html">New Study Finds Catholic Clergy Are Psychologically Healthy

Now that didn't go right. I'll try it again.

New Study Finds Catholic Clergy Are Psychologically Healthy

I'm told there's something dirty about this. I guess I've got the wrong kind of mind.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIfcKy-VcXo

Clarinet rather than trumpet, but close enough.

Q: How do you truly impress a female professional?
A: Offer to lubricate her Volvo.

Q: How can you tell a moron from an idiot?
A: The idiot puts the Obama/Biden sticker on the paint.