Newest from the world of biology: the Jesus gene has been discovered.

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'Cause, right? RIGHT!?!?!?

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi,
you dumb ass. It tell me someone stolen tent."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking, when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse it that outside?"

The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?"

The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink.It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down.

Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey.

After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that outside?"

Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?"

"Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running."

Another, via Reddit.

Woman goes to the plastic surgeon for a face lift. Doc says, "I got the newest greatest thing here! It's called The Knob, I install it back of your head, give it a little twist when things get saggy and it'll tighten right up." Woman says 'do it!' and goes away happy.

Years go by and The Knob works great, but soon the woman starts to see puffiness under her eyes that The Knob won't fix. She goes back to the plastic surgeon for help.

"Doc, The Knob doesn't work anymore!"

"Yes it does. Those aren't bags under your eyes, those are your breasts."

"Oh. Well. I guess that also explains the goatee."

"Oh. Well. I guess that also explains the goatee."

Brings kissing up to a whole new level.

I thought this was pretty funny - he's got 30 kids with 11 women and he wants the court to give him a break on his child support payments.

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/man-fathered-30-kids-needs-break-child-support-140439765.html

Some men will do anything to avoid paying up.

http://now.msn.com/living/0517-lap-dance-death.aspx

Busted!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PEULMmNywlg

Probably the best Star Spangled Banner singing ever...

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/82540562/

Ok I have a question.

Many years ago, I worked at Barnes and Noble. I rang up several purchases for male customers whose orders consisted of one Playboy magazine and one Bible. And that's it.

I was always incredibly curious about that specific combination, but at the time I figured it was none of my business and so I never asked.

Any insight?

A masturbating Christian.

Just thinking out loud here.

LOL Crid. I get that.

I just thought the repeated combo of just those two items was intriguing, and since it came to mind today I thought I'd ask.

Really, REALLY advanced CompLit scholarship?

My own CL minor (Big Ten school, nothing intense) was all about film studies, but I certainly understand how vital, fertile, distractable young men might choose a different course of learning.

Re: Meloni's thought-

I've always wondered why so many porn stars wear crosses of have crucifixion tattoos. I'm pretty sure Jesus would have discouraged double penetration and bukake.

Are you kidding? You don't know why, one Bible, one Playboy?

The Playboy is for the pictures. The Bible is for the stories of sodomy, incest, promiscuity and handing over your daughters to used by a crowd so you can sleep.

That thing is filthy. Those people begat their brains out.

I have also never known the Playboy Advisor to make a mistake, though for some reason I can't remember any of that advice. They're like the Hot Rod™ guy who produces a parts list to put a Northstar in your Fiero. The knowledgebase is extreme.

Humor of the day!

This is hilarious, but may not pass your taste/screening. But I just sent it to my wife and 5 brothers. Early returns are a hit

Anger Management:

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know, but you know deserves it.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying ‘Hello.’
I politely said, ‘This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?’
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear ‘Get the right f***ing number!’ and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn ‘s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled ‘You’re an asshole!’ and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer..

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, ‘You’re an asshole!’ It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ‘asshole’ calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, ‘Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?’ He yelled ‘NO!’ and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, ‘That’s because you’re an asshole!’ and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a ‘For Sale ‘ sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I’d better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, ‘Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?’ He said, ‘Yes, it is.’ I then asked, ‘Can you tell me where I can see it?’ He said, ‘Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . It’s a yellow ranch style house and the car’s parked right out in front.’ I asked, ‘What’s your name?’ He said, ‘My name is Don Hansen,’ I asked, ‘When’s a good time to catch you, Don?’ He said, ‘I’m home every evening after five.’ I said, ‘Listen, Don, can I tell you something?’ He said, ‘Yes?’ I said, ‘Don, you’re an asshole!’

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea… I called asshole #1. He said, ‘Hello.’ I said, ‘You’re an asshole!’ (But I didn’t hang up.) He asked, ‘Are you still there?’ I said, ‘Yeah!’ He screamed, ‘Stop calling me,’ I said, ‘Make me,’ He asked, ‘Who are you?’ I said, ‘My name is Don Hansen.’ He said, ‘Yeah? Where do you live?’ I said, ‘Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax, a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.’ He said, ‘I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.’ I said, ‘Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole,’ and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2. He said, ‘Hello?’ I said, ‘Hello, asshole,’ He yelled, ‘If I ever find out who you are….’ I said, ‘You’ll what?’ He exclaimed, ‘I’ll kick your ass,’ I answered, ‘Well, asshole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.’

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .

I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

Anger management really does work.

That's a fun story. Thank you for allowing me to see it.

Again.

Rock out.