My wife and I are both paid decently but I earn about 50% more than she does. I'd feel less of a man if that were reversed. But fortunately I am in a position to undermine her confidence and make her feel guilty if she works long hours and leaves the baby with the nanny too much, so I don't have much to worry about.

I'm not the person to ask, but it will be interesting to see how everyone else responds. I would think I would have less of a problem with it if that was the dynamic going into the relationship. However, if the dynamic were to shift midway, I'd have a problem with it. I might feel like I was suddenly useless and resentful of my partner's progression through the ranks while I've suddenly become atrophied.

I've been the one with a higher income for most of our 13 years of marriage. Until my husband's recent promotion, I earned about twice as much as he did. Now with his (huge) promotion and new bonus structure, he has the potential to close the gap completely.

He's never had a problem with me making more money, but that's probably because his own salary has always been above the average. Plus, he's been working toward this promotion to VP for the past 5 years. He's always said he wants to do well himself, but I'm more than welcome to bring home as much money as I can. The more, the merrier! Who cares who makes more money as along both partners are happy with their own success?

Although, now that he's closing the gap, I'm secretly worried I might now "win" again next year. Umm... not that I've been keeping track or anything.

"My husband, an antiques restorer ... "

"Greg McFadden, 39, an actor ... "

Notice how neither of these "men" is really willing to put in the grind to support their families. Instead it's that old Disney "follow your dream and be what you want to be" silliness. Well, that's all good and fine - until you're unable to support your family.

If your chosen occupation earns zero to little income then it's simple, you give up that occupation for one that will earn the needed money. Yeah, it may suck working a job that doesn't interest you. Welcome to the real world. A whole hell of a lot of people would love to be paid to do what truly interests them. (Hell, I'd love it if someone would pay me $80,000 a year to drink beer at my corner tavern watching sports and arguing with my fellow stool-jockeys.)

We're a single-income household. Before we had kids, my husband worked and made as much as I did, and our combined salary made my eyes cross. Then we had kids, and were determined not to put them in daycare, so since I love my job and can work from home full time, and my husband did not love his, he quit and became the primary caregiver. We've been doing that for six years now, and I think it has worked quite well.

I think the reasons it works for us are: my salary is OUR money. I do not give him an allowance or otherwise try to make him feel that he needs permission to make purchases. We split time to make sure each of us gets the free-time to do what we want. When I get off work, the first thing I do is make sure he gets at least an hour break, then we share bedtime responsibilities to get the kids to bed quick so we can have time on our own. We alternate weekends so we each get to sleep in at least once. We also each have a keen understanding of the fact that neither of us would be able to accomplish what we have without the other.

I don't think it would work as well if my husband's sense of worth was tied to a paycheck, but he's still the decision-maker in the family, I'm the accountant.

When my girls were little, I was the major breadwinner, because Ex couldn't or wouldn't work full time because of his diabetes. Which seemed to him to be a good enough excuse. It wasn't for me, obviously.

Right now, BF is making more money than me, because I lost my full time job in 2008, and have been working temp jobs since then. When I was working full time, our salaries were similar, and we were able to take vacations and otherwise enjoy the extra money we had. Things are tight right now, because my current temp job is only part time, but I am looking for full time work and am hopeful that this job will be full time soon. We are a bit over-extended credit card-wise, but since I just paid off my car, the car payment money will be going towards the credit cards now. I think we'll be alright. *knocks wood*

I don't know about being married, but I do know what single women are looking for, at least in New York: a man who makes more money than they do. Not an equal income, he has to make more. Hopefully a lot more.

And they'll tell you so up front. In person on first dates, in the "wants" section of their OK Cupid profiles. I'm talking "progressive", professional educated women in their 30's. I've heard it from social workers, librarians, ad execs and more.

I don't blame them- I would feel really useless if I couldn't be the provider in a relationship with a woman. I've decided to go back to school after losing my carrer-track job in the recession, thereby drastically reducing my eligibility on the singles market. Having such problems as a husband is something I can only imagine (and worry about) at this point.

It didn't work for my kid brother. His (ex)wife works for the big insurance company. He works hard, travels and does pro photography; has no vices, and loved her to pieces. He just didn't make the income she expected. She threw him out. At least there were no children (well, her maybe).
With my last romance, I wondered if I'd have this problem, but it didn't happen. Her professional career tanked and her domestic expensives were eating her alive. My simple lifestyle has served me well.

http://nymag.com/nymetro/news/features/n_9495/

"Anna, a public-relations executive, saw her relationship with her Web-designer husband collapse as she became more and more successful and he floundered. In the last year of their marriage, she earned $270,000 while he brought in $16,000.

“He never spent money that wasn’t his in an extravagant way,” she says while taking therapeutic sips of a Sea Breeze at Tribeca Grill on a recent evening. “But by not helping, he was freeloading.”

“Sex was not a problem for him,” she goes on. “It was a problem for me. When someone seems like a child, it’s not that attractive. In the end, it felt like I had three children.”

My husband is the sole earner right now. He is being very supportive of me as I start up my own business. I see there being a lot of money in my particular niche, and we actually talk fondly about the dream future where I outearn him and he can stay at home and program for fun.

Caveats: This obviously isn't a reality yet so who can say how that will actually turn out. We have no kids and don't plan to. And I'm aware that I don't really have the "average woman" approach to many things in my life.

This is my situation. I make more than my hubby. We started out as equals (just out of college working retail), but I just kept moving up. Now I'm the primary breadwinner.

It's funny that this is the topic that's up today. We had a heart-to-heart talk earlier this week. I want to move out of my current job, but because I feel like I HAVE to make the money, I can't take the risk. So I asked if he would consider pursuing promotions and such to get us on more even footing.

I'll be honest, its tough for us to make ends meet some months. And when I told him it would be just a little easier if he had a touch more ambition, he was agreeable. He said he thought that I should make the jump first, and he would follow. After talking it out, we decided first person to score a new job (or better pay) would get settled, and then the next person would look. So now we're both pursuing better career paths.

My husband is just happy to have an income at the moment, while he has a temp job for the next couple of months. I've been the main breadwinner for the last several years, while he went back to school after the lumber industry tanked.

Over the years he has supported me, or we have both made decent money but I made less than he did, to this point, where his frustration has been at finding work, not how much it would pay. Now I am making the money, and we are both grateful that he is able to contribute for however long it lasts.

My man is pretty mellow. He's a very hard worker, and went from thirty years at a lumber mill to getting registered as an RMA after going back to school when he was fifty-two years old. He can take what life throws at him, and so can I,and who has the biggest paycheck is not a major concern.

It's just getting the damned paycheck.

how to handle the tensions of a marriage between an alpha woman and a beta man

Interesting question. Better question: how long before she decides to trade up to an alpha male and kick the beta to the curb?

A very interesting and modern conundrum, as we're really in one of the first few generations where women can easily out-earn men.

My dad's a psychologist and marriage counselor. He has an interesting take on this. He said the only time he consistently sees this relationship work (the woman making more than the man) is when the man works consistently in a field like academics or the arts where there is the potential for social prestige.

{By "the arts" he means someone like a working actor who pulls in $50,000/year while the wife earns more. Not "an actor" who's a layabout and never get a gig}

I think it's also about ambition for women. Throughout our dating, my wife made more than me, but I started business in a tough field and have been successfully growing it. This will be the first year that I make equal or more than her.

There are two things women are not looking for in a man:

1. Someone who isn't handy around the house.

2. Someone who makes less than she wants.

Oh, and on hearing something go bump in the night, women probably aren't thinking of turning to him and saying: "That's alright, I'll go downstairs and check it out."

http://nymag.com/nymetro/news/features/n_9495

Emily, a senior sales executive, admits she enjoys the control she has over Mark, a struggling photographer. But sex has become an issue.

“I can’t give up the position of empress,” she says. “Everything is in my name. When I’ve gotten really bratty, I’ve said, ‘Well fine, leave,’ knowing he can’t leave. I’ve never had such security in a relationship. There’s no risk of flight. But it’s only giving me a short-term gain. Ultimately, it’s emasculating for him.

“Mark,” she adds, “was the best sex I ever had.” But that was long ago. “We fight instead,” she says. “We’re embroiled in some weird combat. It’s like Lysistrata. I tell him, ‘Your business is going to have to get better faster.’ Until then, I’m withholding.”

When Emily comes home, she doesn’t always want to be the boss. But she says her husband no longer has the authority to take over. “I want somebody to take that power role away from me,” she explains. “Ultimately, it gets down to pretty basic stuff. It’s hard to be the power broker every day and then be the femme fatale. I’m not going to pay the bills—I feel like his mother—and then come home and suck his dick.”

Pressure eases up—and perceptions seem to change—when husbands' salaries are enough to support the family should the wives' pay evaporate.

So, as long as the husband makes enough to be the family's fallback plan, it's okay? However, it's boorish to demand that the stay-at-home-wife get a job and earn enough to be the family backup plan.

I think a good portion of all this frustration and angst is really about women (in general) discovering the pressure men (in general) have had to deal with for more than a few generations now, the pressure of being the lone breadwinner and sole support of the family ... and the women are not liking it.

In the end, this all comes down to each woman's "feelings".

A couple might believe that his earning power shouldn't or won't affect her "feelings" - apparently some guys are even becoming SAH dads.

But somewhere down the line she might suddenly realize that some other guy with earnings and social dominance just attracts her so much more.

In the severe case it becomes his problem not hers - and he faces an "I'm unfulfilled" divorce, losing his house, his children etc.

But you can even hear the frustration in the earnest comments of the breadwinning women above.

Bottom line: Men should make sure that they stay men.

My wife makes more than I do but that’s OK because I planned it that way. After two divorces where I was financially raped, I decided to find a woman who would not have an incentive to dump me and take my money with her. It worked; we have been married 27 years with no trouble on the horizon. She makes about three times what I do—I could live comfortably on my own income but glad I don’t have to. We never argue over money and she is happy to pay a proportionate share of joint spending.

Well my hubby's company is closing its doors after fighting like hell for the last four years to stay afloat (been in business for over 20). I now have two jobs as a nurse. I'll let y'all know how the transition feels. Right now it's $#!+. We have plenty of savings, but you can see the anxiety in his face and posture. He's my brawny/brainy lumberjack/engineer combo. We turned down a position six months ago when we didn't know the company was going under. Hindsight, hahaha.

I couldn't do it. Having my own income and the ability to be financially independent is too important to me. I've been on my own since I was 19 and I don't ever want to be in a position again where I'm financially dependent on anyone else, ever.

reminds me of a line from an old Blues Traveler tune: "If you want peace, then live alone..."

Very, very true words...
also what Conan said:
"the pressure of being the lone breadwinner and sole support of the family ... and the women are not liking it."
Yup. A lot of incompatible things are wanted by people... but one of the biggies is that a guy treat you like a queen, and an independent woman, and a ward to be taken care of. In a constantly shifting mix that is knowable only to her.

My Dad has earned less than my Mom for most of their married life. He earned enough to support a family in a middle class lifestyle, but Mom earned more. So because he earned "enough" his ego was ok. He also was a partner in a firm.

He got kicked out, as founders of firms often do, in his early 60s. It's harder now, with Mom still working and raking in the big bucks but with him essentially retired and earning -no- money. It's very difficult. She makes rude remarks and puts him down a lot.

So to sum it up, based on anecdotal experience, I agree that it's fine as long as the guy is earning some minimum "enough" amount.

But Amy, my Dad is NOT effeminate in any way! He's super atheletic, driven, handy around the house, and a vet.

My husband and I have the traditional provider/homemaker set up, and sometimes I do feel helpless and ashamed because I feel like I should have ssome highly influential position, but everything in life is a trade-off and I'm generally pretty happy, and if I did have a highly influnetial position it wuould come with its own set of problems.

NicoleK - sounds like the real problem there is that your mother makes rude remarks and puts your father down, not that he's been forced to retire. I think about what I say to my husband when it comes to money matters, and especially, I think about how I would want to hear it were I the one staying at home. I respect my husband, and I try to keep peace by not belittling him. He does the same for me. We have a pretty drama-free life as a result.

Yep, Celeste, that would be the problem!