Our Right To Be Offensive
Wendy Kaminer writes at Spiked-Online.com about the brouhaha surrounding a viewer's email to a Wisconsin newscaster:
'We need to teach our children to be kind, not critical.' So said a Wisconsin newscaster, Jennifer Livingston, in a viral video of her extended, on-air response to an email from a viewer who chastised her for being obese. I disagree. I'd say we should teach children to be critical without being gratuitously unkind. But I am a critic, after all, and in Livingston's eyes, probably a bully. While boasting of her 'thick skin' and claiming not to have been harmed by his message, Livingston labelled the viewer who commented on her weight a 'bully', to the applause and agreement of multitudes.Yet his offending email was unquestionably civil (even grammatical) and neither mocking nor threatening in tone. Instead, it seemed a presumptuous, misguided effort at constructive criticism. 'Obesity is one of the worst choices a person can make and one of the most dangerous habits to maintain', the viewer concluded. 'I leave you this note hoping that you'll reconsider your responsibility as a local public personality to present and promote a healthy lifestyle.'
How does this qualify as bullying? It doesn't seek to torment or publicly humiliate Livingston. (Her husband made the email public, with a posting on his Facebook page.) It doesn't exploit a power differential. In fact, as a newscaster, with media access and a built-in audience, Livingston held the power in this 'relationship', and she used it to engage in name-calling and public shaming. Her critic simply pointed out what she acknowledged is a fact: she is obese. He offered an irritating, unsolicited opinion, suggesting that obesity made her a poor role model. In a private message, he suggested that she was setting a 'bad example' to young female viewers. So, in public, she made a bad example of him.
Her public sided with her, not surprisingly. I bet her critic received some nasty emails from anti-bullying crusaders, while Livingston received 'truly inspiring' support. 'Hundreds and hundreds of people have taken the time out of their day to not only lift my spirits, but take a stance that attacks like this are not okay', she gushed. 'That man's words mean nothing to me', she added, unconvincingly. Why, then, did she bother refuting them?
Kaminer's ending is right on:
But if viciousness is a problem, uncritical niceness is not the solution, for children or adults. Condemn criticism categorically, and you condemn thinking.
Here's the video of the newscaster's remarks about the email:
And from the HuffPo link:
The viewer who sent her the email, Kenneth Krause, gave a statement to "Today" standing by his original comments. "Considering Jennifer Livingston's fortuitous position in the community, I hope she will finally take advantage of a rare and golden opportunity to influence the health and psychological well-being of Coulee region children by transforming herself for all of her viewers to see over the next year," he wrote.
While I don't believe this letter writer was bullying, I do wonder why he felt his opinion was important enough to send an offensive letter to a stranger. When you break it down, that's what he did. Does anyone think she doesn't know she has a weight problem? Does anyone think he did it out of the goodness of his heart? Was it necessary?
It was just mean no matter how you try to defend it.
Demi Lovato was struggling with bulimia and cutting. After coming out of an in patient facility to deal with it, people were writing horrific things all over the internet calling her fat and horrible names. Unfortunately mob mentalities sometimes set in. Maybe, you'll argue, that his letter was private and not public, but still. It was mean and unnecessary.
Why do people feel its rude to tell a stranger they're ugly but its ok to tell a stranger they're fat?
Kristen at October 16, 2012 5:03 AM
Kristen, I totally agree with you. I also love these pieces where someone complains that this "was just free speech." Yes, that's true, his letter was, but so was her response. The tone of this article seems to be that the reporter was wrong to respond to his letter. It wasn't. He told her that she is a public figure and has a responsibility to the community. She took his point to heart and spoke out. As it happens, it wasn't on his preferred topic, but she used her power to point out that it isn't nice to go out of your way to say mean things to people you don't know. People who start wars like this always want to hide behind free speech when things don't go their way. Sorry buddy. You contacted her first and she had a right to respond. If you didn't like the outcome, keep your rude opinion to yourself next time. What is forgotten here, is that she didn't solicit his opinion. He just volunteered it. Her appearance is between her, her employer, and her husband. Everyone else should butt out or change the channel.
Sheep mommy at October 16, 2012 6:57 AM
I agree with Kaminer, it was not bullying and suggesting it was diminishes the real bullying problem that does go on. His suggestions were unwanted, big surprise. When you have a public job, you get lots of unsolicited suggestions. If she did have an appropriately thick skin, as she suggests she does, she would have ignored it. It's not like he took out a billboard ad or was harassing her over facebook or repeatedly in emails.
Catherine at October 16, 2012 7:06 AM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2012/10/16/our_right_to_be.html#comment-3383733">comment from CatherineI agree with Catherine and Kaminer.
And the sad thing is, there were never so many fat people as there are now, due to government and AMA advice (not based in evidence) that people should eat high-carb, low-fat diets...precisely the diet that will make you fat and diabetic.
When you are a media personality, on TV, your appearance is part of your job. This is why they hire weathergirls who are basically a pair of tits with a head stuck on.
It would be different if he wrote a letter to the local librarian or a reporter for their local paper.
Amy Alkon at October 16, 2012 7:32 AM
If anything, he was a nag. She was the bully.
lsomber at October 16, 2012 8:05 AM
Why would it be different? As a librarian, your appearance is also important. A sloppy librarian makes the library look bad. Still her job to look good, right?
It's not bullying, as far as I can tell. But it is rude to give people unsolicited advice, and when you do so to a public figure, expect the response to be public.
MonicaP at October 16, 2012 8:11 AM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2012/10/16/our_right_to_be.html#comment-3383778">comment from MonicaPA librarian is an employee who deals with the public but not a public figure in the way a newscaster is.
Amy Alkon at October 16, 2012 8:14 AM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2012/10/16/our_right_to_be.html#comment-3383780">comment from Amy AlkonSomething that tells you a little something about the difference: Nobody sits the librarian down in a chair, as part of her job, and does hair and makeup before she checks in the returned books.
Amy Alkon at October 16, 2012 8:15 AM
When this was all over facebook a few weeks ago, it didn't sit right with me, and I couldn't put my finger on why. Kaminer's response is exactly right.
The letter he sent wasn't bullying. It was a private letter, likely sent in bad taste, but nowhere did he name call, or belittle. Livingston took the opportunity, after her husband made the original letter public, to belittle a man she knew nothing about, and she did so publicly.
In her response, she alludes to the fact that she has a medical condition that makes her obese, without explicitly saying so. If she wanted to appropriately respond, she would be honest about either her condition, or the fact that she chose to let herself become obese. She would explain that she thought the letter writer was in bad taste, and that there are better ways to get your point across.
Making a blanket statement that, "We need to teach our children to be kind, not critical," does nothing to counteract actual bullying, which isn't about being critical, but about unnecessary unkindness.
And, yes she likely had the right to take the letter public, since I believe it was sent to her work email, not a personal account. But as so many argued, having the right to do something doesn't necessarily make it right. And as any small child with decent parents can tell you, two wrongs don't make a right.
Jazzhands at October 16, 2012 8:33 AM
The average fat person walking down the street is not injecting his/herself into anyone else's space. The deserve the right to privacy, meaning stay out of their life and shut up.
A fat person who chooses to put his/herself into the public arena makes that choice deliberately. That person chooses to be in a position of role model for others. And that person no longer has the right to expect the public to shut up.
If you don't like the friendly fire, don't stand in front of the target.
Paul A'Barge at October 16, 2012 8:40 AM
Unsolicited opinion? if I only had a $1 for every one I've gotten...
The best response is to ignore it.
The next best response is to mock it.
For instance: when I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.
Oh, wait, that would be considered bullying? I denounce myself.
I R A Darth Aggie at October 16, 2012 8:45 AM
Maybe it’s because I use to be a big girl that I get why this is a huge insult for her…. (You have NO idea what Sabrina’s ass looked like many moon(pies) ago…)
Yeah, she’s a big girl. That is a fact. However, fact or not, what was he hoping to accomplish with that? “Oh, I’ll call her fat. THAT’LL motivate her!” Uuuuuh…no… And, it’s not like she isn’t aware of her own weight, as she stated. He didn’t just talk about her weight though …He said that she’s a bad example for being fat thus implying that she’s a bad person.
I have a problem in general with this idea that celebs and public figures (other than elected officials who make our laws) are expected to be the “example” for children, anyway. The people who need to be the examples are the people who interact with them personally and can actually make a difference in their day to day lives, not some random news person with whom they have no personal relationship with.
But, since that’s the way it seems to be, then I don’t see why folks have a problem with bigger girls on tv, (unless it’s to laugh at them of course, “Honey Boo Boo” anyone?). This woman may be larger in size than most tv personalities, but she seems to be an intelligent, well-spoken, woman who carries herself with more confidence and poise than most “skinny” girls I know. If that’s not a good example, I don’t know what is.
If he’s so concerned with adults being a good example, he needs to be one himself. If he doesn’t like the way she looks, his options are to 1) turn off the tv (which is probably a better example for his kids anyway) and/or 2) have a conversation about nutrition and healthy body image with his kids at home, NOT project his issues onto a total stranger.
I also have a problem with this automatic assumption that skinny=healthy but that's a topic for a whole 'nother post.
As for the argument that she probably shouldn't have brought it up to begin with... I am torn. If you insult a public figure, odds are it's going to be addressed publicly, but there is also the argument that it got more attention than it really warranted. And it can also be argued that this was a reverse "bully" situation when she called him out publicly that way.
Sabrina at October 16, 2012 10:27 AM
Just because there are more fat people in the world, regardless of what diet you think is the right one, doesn't mean its right to send anyone a letter telling them they are fat. I don't care that most weather girls are tits and hair. It still doesn't make it right. She has a job. She's doing her job. She has viewers that like her. What does her being fat have to do with it? If she wanted a job at Hooters, I'd say you're right. But leave her alone.
And like Sabrina pointed out, thank you Sabrina, does anyone really think a nasty letter is going to make her rethink her food choices? It was just mean no matter what excuse you want to give.
Kristen at October 16, 2012 11:29 AM
I'm especially surprised that someone who writes a book called "I See Rude People" would make excuses for such rude behavior.
Kristen at October 16, 2012 11:31 AM
Well, in Amy's defense (not that she can't defend herself), she never said that he was or wasn't rude. She merely defended his right to say it, and agreed with his opinion.
And in that, Amy's right. It is his right to say anything he wants to the newscaster or about her, just as it's the newscasters right to respond any way she wants. And it's Amy's right to agree with the letter writer and post her opinion here.
Whether it's rude or not is debateable, but they have all made good use of their 1st Ammendment rights in this case.
Sabrina at October 16, 2012 11:44 AM
Sabrina, I didn't say that he doesn't have the right to say it. I said it was mean. Amy justified it by talking about the no carbs and the government diet plan and also by talking about weather girls who are all tits. While there is a beauty standard in the entertainment and news industry, it doesn't mean that when someone who is heavy somehow gets through and has a career that she deserves insults about her weight.
I also don't buy the argument that she should be held up as a role model for anyone. I don't expect anyone in entertainment to be a role model. That isn't their job.
Kristen at October 16, 2012 11:49 AM
I definitely agree with you on both those points.
There's also my other argument that just because you have the right to say or do something, doesn't mean you should, because, like you said, it's just mean.
Sabrina at October 16, 2012 11:53 AM
Some old guys are obsessed with fat women, and consider it their job to warn the woman that they are not pleasing to the male sex. Maybe it's because of a fat ex or something. It's jerkish for sure. But maybe he objects to encroaching fat acceptance in the media as in practically all other walks of life. Who knows.
But she should have just sloughed if off, or use it as a spur to lose the weight. Instead she retaliated publicly. Loser.
(Would a man have acted like that?)
carol at October 16, 2012 1:13 PM
Carol, why should she have to laugh it off lose weight because some rude person watching tv thinks being an asshole is ok?
As far as a man acting like that? How many heavy men do we see in the news and entertainment industry? Its in no way the same standard. There are many reasons people accept a fat man better than a fat woman but it doesn't matter. Sending a stranger a letter telling her she's fat is just mean and rude. He's the loser.
Kristen at October 16, 2012 2:55 PM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2012/10/16/our_right_to_be.html#comment-3384151">comment from KristenIts in no way the same standard.
Men and women have different standards -- based on their differing physiologies and evolved psychology.
For example, how man women do you know who will date a barrista?
Men don't care what women do, as long as they're pretty. Not much, anyway; not to the extent that women care what men do.
Do you lament that difference, too, as horrible?
Women are judged by their looks. It's, again, our evolved psychology. Being a newscaster is a public position, and this man thinks young girls look up to newscasters and doesn't believe the message should be sent that it's okay to be obese.
He didn't say that impolitely. He has every right to say it, same as Christians have a right to tell me that they think I'm wrong for not believing in god and not reflecting "Christian" values in my column. If they do that politely, all the better. (And they usually do.)
Amy Alkon at October 16, 2012 3:31 PM
Men and women do have different standards. I'm not arguing that. I responded to the question, what would a man do. It wouldn't be the same issue and most likely that same letter writer would not have written that letter to a man. If he did, I would still think he was being rude and that it was mean.
Again, there is a difference between having a right to saying something and being right to say something. A newscaster is a public position but don't think that any woman is watching an overweight woman delivering the news thinking it would be okay to eat themselves into the next size dress. Weight problems are just as emotional as they are physical and someone who has never struggled with weight may not understand that and unfortunately some who have never had a weight problem think its easily fixed and while I'm sure you'll explain to me the science based evidence of the no carbs diet, it still doesn't mean that someone who is overweight deserves a letter from some rude asshole.
You've received letters from people telling you that you look like a tranny. I don't think its true and even if I did I wouldn't think it were nice or called for. Its just mean.
Kristen at October 16, 2012 3:48 PM
I'd like to mention that when I tried no carb I gained 20 lbs. Since I've resumed my normal eating habits I've lost 15. Low/no carb is not for everybody.
I will say that I did feel more energetic when I no carbed so there's that I guess.
LL at October 16, 2012 4:36 PM
Kristen, no offense but you seem waaaaay too emotionally invested in an argument about anonymous bully and a fat bully
lujlp at October 17, 2012 11:40 AM
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