Dumb question -- my sister and her husband are divorcing with the kids staying in the house and the parents move in and out week to week.

STBE had a GF over on the couch as my sister visited for a quick pickup of an item. She was upset that the GF was there.

In the immediate moment I counseled her that she should have the lawyer modify the agreement that over night guests are not expected.

Was I stupid?

I'm always shocked by two people who supposedly love each other enough to make a baby, get married suddenly can't even have physical conversations with each other.

I don't see why guests would be such a big deal.

OK sure, I get it, if there is just a parade of people wandering and or out of mommy or daddy's bedroom...

But really, "You won't have guests overnight" seems a bit harsh.

Seems to me a divorce is much worse on a kid than a houseguest.

Two reasonable adults care enough for each other to start a family. They cannot manage to live together peacefully until the kids are grown?

Marriage is not like signing up for a yoga class. Once you have children, you do not get to just "change your mind". These people are not adults, they are spoiled kids themselves, and it's all about "me, me, me".

Yes, I overgeneralize, my apologies to the (very few) people who divorce for really serious reasons that could not be foreseen.

However, far too many divorces are either (a) marriages that should never have happened or at least never produced kids, or (b) decent marriages being dissolved for stupid selfish reasons that do not account for the massive impact on the kids.

Even when a divorce is the best thing for the parents due to abuse its still hell on the kids.

As to the dad having guests over, its one thing if its general freinds, its another thing when its someone you are ivolved with, and quite frankly, if you do get involved with someone you should NOT introduce them to the kids for at least a year

The people in these examples should never have been married in the first place. Mature individuals understand the wisdom that one should remain polite, even in a declaration of war.

If you can't nod and smile for two minutes and stay on topic - and only on topic - what made you think you can raise children to adulthood?

Unfortunately, email didn't work for us, mainly because Ex was always late picking up the girls for visitation. He would never answer the phone, never mind an email. He thought he was funny, though. He even wore a shirt (quite often) that said "This is the earliest I've even been late." I used to seethe, until BF said "Relax, honey, consider the source."

It was still annoying.

o.O

But really, "You won't have guests overnight" seems a bit harsh.

Seems to me a divorce is much worse on a kid than a houseguest.

Posted by: Robert at November 26, 2012 1:30 AM

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It's not usually "You won't have guests overnight, period" but "Neither of us will have guests overnight without clearing it with the other parent". If dad or mom wants to have Grandma spend the weekend, a quick text "My mom wants to come this week when I have the kids, yay or nay?" will work and only the most wretched spiteful folks will veto unless Grandma is a drunk or something. "Can Amber-from-the-gym (or Jake-from-the-bar or weird Uncle Charlie) stay this weekend?" is another matter entirely and it's pretty fair for parents to want to have a say about who is spending the night with their kids, in the kids' house. It's not like the parent doesn't have kid-free nights to spend, and in the case of Jim's sister and her ex, it sounds like they even have another apartment to put their houseguest in while it's their time with the kids. And if the person doesn't trust the houseguest alone in the apartment? Well, then it's a bit much to think that the other parent should trust the houseguest around the kids in the kids' house.

So, the children get to stay in the same house all the time, and the parents switch off staying there with them, this exchange happens every week. Yes? Ok, then.

I'd say that if you want to have sleepovers with your next ex, you should do it on your week away from the kids. Sounds like that would be easier on everyone.

> You did the right thing. Her lawyer seems to be
> the stupid one. Who doesn't put that in a divorce
> agreement who's been practicing divorce law as
> more than a passing hobby?

It really depends on the state - in many states, a clause like that won't be enforced.

> she should have the lawyer modify the agreement

An agreement, by definition, requires both parties to agree - why would her STBX agree to change an agreement that's already in place? Agreements can't be unilaterally modified.

He'll be a presence in my life for at least 17 more years....

I'm always amazed at how soon after the child is born these divorces occur.

As if one or both parties in the relationship naively thought having a child might help smooth over the rough spots they'd been having.

So, the children get to stay in the same house all the time, and the parents switch off staying there with them, this exchange happens every week.

So, each parent has his/her own place and they pay for a third place for the child?

That seems expensive.

And, it seems like the third place is effectively "owned" by the child with his parents coming over to serve him on alternate weeks.

"Normally, when you break up with someone, you don't have to see them constantly," Ms. McGillivray said. "Now I have to see my ex and his current fiancée several times a week. He'll be a presence in my life for at least 17 more years, and probably more than that."

Tough shit. Since the stats suggest you were the one who asked for the divorce, this is what you bought and you have tourself to thank for it. and no, it's not your call how much time or involvement he has in raising his own children.

My husband and his ex had that kind-of custody arrangement. The GAL recommended it at the time of the divorce as both were still living in the same apartment.

I think it is good in theory but requires both parents to be responsible and fair. His ex decided she didn't need to pay any of the bills (nor did she and her boyfriend leave on my husband's week). It took the poor landlord 18 months to evict as my husband was paying his half.

Normally, when you break up with someone, you don't have to see them constantly," Ms. McGillivray said.

You didn't "break up" with him, you divorced him. Big difference.

And so she keeps him at a safe electronic remove.

Notice it's not "they keep each other at a safe electronic remove," it's she keeps him.

Okay, reread the article - it was a broken engagement, not a divorce.

Still, there's a kid involved, your ex is now more than some pond scum you once dated. He's your child's father.

"Unfortunately, You Can't Dot.com The Ugly Out Of Divorce For The Kid"

I have to disagree. These are great examples of how to move on from resenting your dumb-ass ex to accepting your dumb-ass ex.

Oh, I get it, even happy pretty divorces are ugly. Yes. Yes they are.

I believe this is a houseguest of the female, recently met Daddy and now having sex with him kind. -- Amy Alkon at November 26, 2012 4:12 AM

You got it in one Amy.

I can't explicitly blame the lawyer for not thinking of this, because the divorce style is not the usual joint custody with the kids moving week to week.

And, it seems like the third place is effectively "owned" by the child with his parents coming over to serve him on alternate weeks. -- Conan the Grammarian at November 26, 2012 10:39 AM

I do think it is the best thing for the boys though. They have the same friends everyday. They use the same school buses, there is less stress for the kids.

The boys are 12? and 14? and are still growing up. They have a "stable" home and the term of "serve" is not the right idea. They have two parents that both care about the kids and want to see them grow up to be responsible adults. That the parents have issues with each other is a different story. But would you want to live in a different house each week, or Sunday to Wednesday and the other house Wednesday to Saturday? Or would you feel like a guest?

After reading, and hearing about from friends, so many horror stories about ex's that just cannot get along I cannot say thank you enough to my parents for having a good marriage.