TSA's Arbitrary Policies Can Be Fun!
Try the TSA Statement Generator! Here's mine:
I found this when Lisa Simeone at TSA News cross-posted a blog item from the creator of the Statement Generator, Taking Sense Away:
Almost any TSA screener will tell you (in hushed tones, at least) that one of the more frustrating aspects of the day-to-day rigmarole is having to field questions from smart passengers who demand to know what kind of sense this or that TSA policy makes.Trying to explain to a little old man, for instance, why the tiny blade on his Leatherman multi-tool warrants the entire multi-tool being confiscated, while, right next to him, a 300-pound muscle-bound man fresh out of prison gets to keep his pair of scissors, a lighter, his toothbrush, along with all the other shank-making tools he'd just spent 10 years mastering in the penitentiary.
Then you have TSA headquarters, telling the public one minute that anyone could be a threat at the airport, regardless of age, size, shape, color, or creed-- even kids, because "terrorists are not above using children" to carry out attacks (which was why kids had to get inside full body radiation scanners for the first year of the backscatter machines, we were told)-- and the next minute saying that people who even appear to be sort of young will no longer be touched. (The next thing you know, the TSA will claim the existence of intelligence regarding a team of pygmy ninjas plotting to exploit the TSA's 12-and-under policy in order to rain terror from the skies-- kids will be asked to spend 5 minutes with a Child-Certified Behavior Detection Officer at the new TSA Checkpoint Playpen™.)
Then we went from all passengers having to receive equal screening--there was no telling what form a terrorist could take, after all--to an elite stratum of society being largely excused from security theater, providing they had given enough money to the airlines. Because hey, it's not like there's any possibility that a perfectly upstanding frequent-flying U.S. citizen with a clean skin could suddenly snap and decide that he wanted to, oh, say, fly a plane into a building, or anything.
Terrorists don't "snap." It's called Jihad -- slaughtering nonbelievers in Allah -- and it's called for by Islam. The way to find them is with targeted intelligence work by trained intelligence officers, not by searching granny's hoohoo and everyone else's right before they board planes.
Meanwhile a killer cop roams the streets of LA.
How many innocent people have to die before we ban cops?
lujlp at February 7, 2013 7:42 AM
"A passenger’s penis will be allowed on trains, as long as they are able to fit inside of a quart size zip top baggie."
Assholio at February 7, 2013 8:02 AM
Good new, folks! You can bring your bomb aboard trains, now.
What?
I R A Darth Aggie at February 7, 2013 8:59 AM
We welcome criticism, though it is possible that some of those critics have forgotten 9/11, which was the formative event behind TSA’s creation and mission. As such, any complaints about our recent restriction on your blow-up doll may be considered unpatriotic by terrorist elements.
Meloni at February 7, 2013 9:06 AM
Unfortunately, in light of the recently foiled porn star plot, any porn star will now be required to fit inside of a quart-sized ziptop bag in order to be brought through security, in keeping with our ever-evolving risk-based security approach.
I'll stop being a third grader now.
Meloni at February 7, 2013 9:12 AM
The recent failure of a TSA officer to detect a passengers’ weaponized nut sack is unfortunate, but nut sack screening is just one of many security layers at work in our unpredictable risk-based screening.
Stop it! I have to work!
Meloni at February 7, 2013 9:15 AM
Last week, the TSA confiscated over 74 guns, 96 knives, a pair of nunchakus and one suspicious passenger’s potentially-weaponized constitutional rights.
Meloni at February 7, 2013 9:34 AM
"Last week, the TSA confiscated over 74 guns, 96 knives, a pair of nunchakus and one suspicious passenger’s potentially-weaponized constitutional rights."
I fell out of my chair laughing at this one. It so appropro, no?
Sabrina at February 7, 2013 10:11 AM
"We remind the public that 9/11 happened, that terrorists are out there plotting to destroy America’s coffee, and that the TSA will do whatever is necessary to fulfill its mission to protect America’s transportation infrastructure with all 20 state-of-the-art risk-based layers."
Now tampering with our coffee is definitely a way to get yourself put on a terrorist list. Or at least, suicide watch...
Sabrina at February 7, 2013 10:17 AM
"The Transportation Security Administration screens approximately 1.8 million people who travel each day through 450 U.S. airports. Recent news reports of a TSA officer’s mishandling of a passenger’s tits represents an anomaly in our day-to-day operations."
Assholio at February 7, 2013 11:49 AM
"The recent failure of a TSA officer to detect a passengers’ weaponized underpants is unfortunate, but underpants screening is just one of many security layers at work in our unpredictable risk-based screening."
The Jingoist at February 7, 2013 1:40 PM
I really want to find a way to combine this with the Deepak Chopra Random Quote Generator
Grey Ghost at February 8, 2013 6:38 AM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2013/02/07/tsas_arbitrary.html#comment-3595907">comment from Grey GhostOh, I would love that. That one (the Chopra one) is the lesser one, unfortunately. I wanted to type in "tuna sandwich" but it just randomly generates boring Crapra, like this one I got: "Freedom is rooted in precious opportunities"
Amy Alkon at February 8, 2013 6:41 AM
Yeah, I felt the same way about the Chopra site. "Freedom is rooted in precious tuna sandwiches" is not only more amusing, it's probably a deeper insight.
"Boring Crapra" is probably a redundancy. Chopra's popularity may be another measure of our slide into the abyss.
Grey Ghost at February 8, 2013 7:08 AM
I'll bet I could smuggle a cat laser through any TSA checkpoint in the country.
Cousin Dave at February 8, 2013 10:24 AM
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