When I'm biking, there's a particular intersection that I come to that's difficult to cross. I hit the "Walk" signal on the corner and wait for the sign to light up. The problem is, the entitled people waiting to make a right turn seem to think that once the light is green, they can just go right ahead.

On the rare occasion that someone gives me the right of way, I make sure I wave pleasantly as I cross quickly.

The law dictates that they're supposed to yield for the walk signal. And if a policeman happened to see someone cut me off in a crosswalk, he'd write a ticket. (Police in Tampa Bay are not really big on warnings. If you're stopped, chances are you're getting a ticket. I've often said that the world's biggest douchebags are irresistibly drawn to Pinellas County, Florida. Once there, they are compelled to become policemen. And for the sake of clarification for the linguistically challenged, in case some mental giant wants to take me to task for calling cops in Pinellas County douchebags: I did not say that all cops in Tampa Bay are douchebags; nothing in my statement prevents nice people from also becoming policemen.)

But the point is that this "courtesy" is so rare, I make sure I thank people for it. Even though it's not really a courtesy; it's the law.

Why should an entitled special snowflake thank you for anything? In their minds, you only exist to serve them.

I've found that a loudish "You're welcome a$$hole" to be quite satisfying in these situations. Doesn't get me a thank you, but it often gets chuckles from bystanders.

While I generally agree with you, I'd like to share this story.

I was out once at a little strip mall shopping area, with two young kids in tow (eldest was probably 4.5-5, youngest about 18 months-2 years). First, as we're going into the office supply store, some jerk comes swerving around a standing vehicle (I think it was the UPS truck) and nearly runs over a pedestrian. The driver shouts expletives at the pedestrian and tosses a cigarette butt out the window... right at me.

Deep breath.

We go in, I put the kids in a cart with a snack, get what I need, and go back out.... and there's a guy standing right next to the door in his own personal smoke-smog cloud that we have to walk right through, shouting four letter words into his phone.

The kids are happily munching raisins or something in the cart, I'm frazzled, so I figure I'll take a minute to cool down before driving by into the discount clothes store two stores down & seeing if they have anything fun.

I take the kids, in cart, to the store. I walk in, and before I'm actually out of the doorway the "loss prevention officer" has blocked me and is shouting "you can't bring that cart in here!"

This wouldn't bother me if 1.) there were any identifying information on any of the carts, I had thought they were sort of communal - and that store has carts too 2.) he hadn't forced me to block traffic 3.) he'd not shouted and then moved so he was in my face 4.) not kept shouting and given me a chance to actually leave.

Finally, I'm heading out the exit-door (right next to the entrance) where a bunch of people are sort of blocking the exit from the outside because they'd been waiting to get in. The "officer" is still shouting at me, and one kid is asking me why we're leaving. Somebody holds the door for me - I nod in acknowledgement as I'm mid-sentence answering my kid. About 2 words later, the person or her companion shout a sarcastic, "You're welcome!" at me.

Now, I was talking when they held the door, but I did acknowledge them - and was going to do so verbally when I finished my sentence. Had I not been totally frazzled, I probably would have gotten a "thanks" into my sentence already, but this incident has stuck with me.

Was the person actually trying to be helpful? Had she just had as off a day as I was having - and I was HER last straw? Does trying to be polite and neighborly advance things, or move them back, if lack of manners is responded to with hostility?

There are times when "good manners" run into conflict, and I think some people use these moments to pick at others. Like, when you're eating out, your mouth is full, and the server refills your drink. Sure, you should say "thanks" but you also shouldn't open your full mouth.

In short, or as short as it gets when I'm talking, the nod should be considered sufficient acknowledgement.

I won't go into the story about the time I'd lost my voice...

Ok I had the strangest thing happen to me a couple of weeks ago. I was walking into my office building and as I got close to the glass doors, I noticed a guy was inside and walking towards the same doors. It looked as though we might get to the doors about the same time. Now I don't ever expect anyone to hold a door open for me, because too often they don't. Anyway, this guy stopped before going through the doors, turned around 180 degrees, waited for me to walk into the building then turned back around to walk out the doors. I guess he was worried that he was going to have to hold the door for me.

I've noticed the lack of "than yous" when your courtesy and do something polite. It really irks me when I do let someone in in traffic and I don't get a wave of acknowledgement. But it's even worse if I let them in and then they take all day to make the merge and then don't give of wave of thanks.

This makes me sad. What does it say about my inner life if it throws me into a tailspin when I do something nice for someone and they ignore me? I'm as responsive with waves & thank-you's as anybody here complaining about it, but gosh, I'm polite because of what I expect of myself, not what I expect of others.

Here in the almost-south, you almost always get the thank you.

Sara - Your story reminds me of my autistic 16 y/o son, with whom I am struggling to teach proper and polite public door etiquette. He clearly gets stressed b/c he can't process the social and timing cues involved with simply holding a door open: "First come-first hold open? Is there anyone in front or behind me? Women/older persons/adults with children? and BTW mom, why don't other boys/men count?" My point: Rather than trying to figure all this out in 3 sec., my son will avoid the whole situation and do 180s like you describe above. My son believes if all buildings just had revolving doors, his life would be much simpler.

My brothers and I were raised with manners. Please, thank you, yes sir, no ma'am, after you, etc.
Thing that bothers me is, I taught these same manners to my children, but often it seems to me that other parents did NOT teach their children. At ALL. I still do my best to be polite and set the right example, but a lot of the time it seems all for naught. The prevalence of the over-inflated sense of entitlement is wide-spread and seems to exempt most people from exercising common courtesy. Which, like common sense, ain't so common anymore.

Sad.

Although I think Matt's right about the south. Manners still occur there.

I'm with Brian, I've had to adjust my expectations of others, otherwise I'd be in a constant state of stress. The manners I was raised with are reflexive for me, but I can't control what other people do or how they react. I'm not responsible for the outcome, just the effort. I don't get it right all the time, but find I can and must let things go in order to maintain sanity. I try to treat others the way I would like to be treated. However, should my personal safety be in jeopardy, I would certainly take appropriate action to defend myself or If I'm treated rudely in a place of business I have no problem notifying management.

If I'm doing the right thing but demand recognition for it, and pissed off when I don't get it, that just makes me a codependent dickhead (not that I have any experience with that, mind you, I just HEAR about it...). If I do the "right thing" just because it's the right thing to do, I have another chance to become a better person. Not better than THEM, just better than I was before.

I think courtesy is so rare because people are so easily offended these days, it's just safer not to.

C'mon, we've all been there, you give an old woman a hand and hold open the door, and she turns around and barks that she's perfectly capable, she's not an invalid.....

Or how bout when you ask a pregnant woman if she'd like some help with her groceries, (hubby's experience) and she looks at you like a rapist?

Or how bout when you forget your phone on the way to an appointment, (personal experience) ask some lady for the time, and she ignores you like you're a ghost and keeps walking?

I think that's partly the reason, and I think the media has something to do with it as well. When you hear about people like Arial Castro,the media is never subtle. Scary language and repetitive broadcasts 24 hours a day make the problem seem so much worse than it actually is, to the point people are now scared to make small talk with strangers, they might follow them home and rob them.

Frivolous law suits don't help, why help the old lady with the 7 bags of groceries when she might sue you for dropping a can on her foot?

I just try to do the right thing. I also try to forgive myself and others when people are not polite. A lady held open a door for me one time. I didn't even notice - until she said, "YOUR WELCOME! "and muttered something about me thinking that I am a princess. Truthfully, I may have done it before because I was distracted. This time though, I was suffering mightily from a migraine. I was going in the store to get some pain relief. If you've ever had a migraine, you know that you just want to curl up and die. Sometimes, it's hard to be polite.

A person who does something they perceive as "polite," and follows up the action with a rude comment when their target's behavior doesn't comport with their expectation, is not a polite person.

There's a Southern term I like a lot: "home training."

Someone who says "please," "thank you" and acknowledges his or her elders, for instance, is said to have good home training.

Someone who pushes past you, doesn't acknowledge a courtesy or is generally rude: "He could use some home training."

Years ago, in a class...

A 6'3 New Jersey girl was bitching up a storm about guys holding the door for her.

She was there on a Track and Field scholarship - and she was very, very strong. "I don't need 3 guys getting into a fight to see who can open the damn door for me!!!! Men shouldn't open the door for women!"

All the guys made a note "Don't open the damn door for Judy!" (I actually did a few times, habit, and she never said anything but "Thanks"/)

Three teeny tiny Southern Belles sitting in front of her turned around almost as one.

"YOU SHUT UP!"

I certainly have to struggle with those feelings when my politeness is not rewarded. Politeness frequently involves not giving utterance to every feeling, even when one rightly perceives himself the wounded party.

I'm influenced by my reading of Robert Glover's No More Mr Nice Guy. It's possible I'm overgeneralizing but I don't think by much. :)

The people at the Taco Bell laugh because I instinctively say thank you after just about every sentence. I was embarrassed that I was impolite and hurt someone's feelings.

If someone hurts your feelings, positive self-talk is important. Perhaps they weren't taught right at home, perhaps they are going through a divorce, perhaps they or a loved one just got a grim diagnosis, perhaps the are trying not to vomit. There are often reasons that people are not polite. Don't take it personally.

Generally, things tend to go better for me when I do something nice for someone with zero expectation of something in return.

Saves a bunch of needed space in my cabeza that will be put to good use elsewhere (like not placing my car keys in the freezer).

When someone acknowledges a good deed - it's always a bonus, but my mood is never predicated on their response - cuz that just makes me IN-SANE. People are weird.

And what Shannon said. If someone doesnt acknowledge something and maybe I'm off that day and NEEDED them to - I try to take her situation into perspective "Maybe xyz happened" or "maybe they just lost their job or their dog just died".

Patrick, they try to get in before you because once the pedestrians start crossing, there is NO WAY they can make the right turn as they will keep crossing until the light changes.

No turns on red should have green right arrows at a time pedestrians can't cross. No turns on red that don't have them are always gonna have people trying to sneak before the pedestrians.

I just spent 10 weeks in Japan, much of it on a US airbase.
I encountered nothing but perfect manners and polite behavior from both American military and civilians and the Japanese locals.

Maybe it's a regional thing?

In Texas, it's always "please" and "thank you" said exuberantly and with a smile! In Austin, you'll often get a peace sign or a kiss blown at you if you let someone in in traffic.

In the upper-midwest where I'm from, not only will you get a "thank you" when you hold the door for someone, but the person will continue to smile at you when you cross paths in the store and go out of their way tell you "Hey, ya know, day got Lays chips on sale over der in aisle 5!" Or try to give you one of their coupons. Chicago and St. Louis, however, seem to be exceptions to the people-are-really-nice-in-the-midwest rule.

I lived on a larger east coast city for a time, and I had to be "retrained" in kindness when I moved to the south.

"Virtue is its own reward" implies that seeking, expecting, demanding or resenting the absence of any other sort of compensation marks the act as being motivated by something other than virtue. Putting yourself out for someone else does not create a unilateral employment contract. You don't owe other people anything, nor they you. Resenting their tacit acceptance of these facts is doubly self-destructive.

In Texas, it's always "please" and "thank you" said exuberantly and with a smile! In Austin, you'll often get a peace sign or a kiss blown at you if you let someone in in traffic.

Yep, waving in the car is a regional thing. I do it because I lived in TX for 15 years but few others do it here in CO. Hawaii is another great state for wavers.

I've often said that the world's biggest douchebags are irresistibly drawn to Pinellas County, Florida.

St. Pete and Clearwater have too many transplanted Yankees who brought with them an inflated sense of superiority to those native hicks around them.

It's a problem too many Florida cities are having.

It used to be such a nice state - weird, but nice.

Born, raised, and live in the South. I hold doors and I am polite for no other reason than I am a gentleman. I do not care whether the other person(s) responds positively, negatively, or neutrally.

You let somebody in in traffic and -- and -- no wave.

When I let someone in, I want them to get out the way, not wave to me while being slow and making me regret being decent.

I don't need a wave; I'm not letting people in because I crave their anonymous acknowledgment. I'm doing it because it's proper.

(And yes, I'm sure it's a regional thing. It's pretty common here in the Northwest, for instance - but it's by no means universal.)

(Oh, and an alternative, not-even-personal-to-me response to:

"There's a cold refusal here to participate in a basic human exchange -- a stranger doing something nice for you and then a response recognizing that." on the idea of opening doors.

Some of us don't want human interaction at various times.

A stranger goes out of their way to force some on us - whether or not we wanted that door held open and whether or not we see it as helpful - and we're the problem for not responding how they want?

I agree it's actively rude to berate someone for "trying to help" (as in comments above), but... it sure seems like the other pole is essentially forcing your interaction on random strangers who do not signal any need for assistance, isn't it?

I witnessed a well-dressed woman pedestrian walk up to a brand new red truck that was right-turn blocking the crosswalk, and politely chastise the driver for making people walk into the traffic to get around him. As she turned away, the driver began mocking her.

Immediately, a less well-dressed woman hurled a full can of Coke forcefully into his half-open, still-stickered window, spewing sticky Coke in his mocky-face and all over his new car interior.

He yelled the C-word and the pitcher replied "Takes one to know one!" The large, mostly female group trying to cross variously applauded or flipped the guy off. I think he knew a moment of fear. It was magnificent (although impolite).

I am able to reach my right hand up and wave briefly to the person behind me who's let me in. I wasn't aware that this was an incredible feat, but now I know to feel particularly proud of myself after I've done it.

Ditto. I had no idea this was the apex of politeness.

I try to say please, thank you, courtesy wave, every time with a smile. However, I know there are times that I don't do that... normally when my mind is completely elsewhere. Unless they do something actually rude to me, I let it go, even though it bothers me. Sometimes people are having one of those days, and I get a thank you most of the time. I figure that even people with the best intentions occasionally have a slip up.

The comment about Chicago & St. Louis reminded me...

I grew up in Chicago's suburbs (Nothern side) and went to school in St. Louis, by the way.

I had been lamenting in the car how people were so rude when it came to driving in St. Louis when we came to a big bend in the road with an old (closed?) grocery on the right. A pickup was at the edge of the lot & wanted to turn left, but it was busy & not good visibility at best (maybe that's why the store had closed?).

Anyway, my husband was driving & stops to let the guy out. He pulls in front of us, waits for an opening (now that he can see the traffic in the other direction) and just before he moves to merge, he points emphatically at us and then puts two thumbs up (out the window)... and drives off waving with a big ol' grin on his face (how long had he been waiting to get out of there???).

I still remember it, and that was at least a decade ago. Genuine appreciation can go a LONG way, but so can genuine assholery.

I only have a few irks:

When someone shows up in the express or self-checkout line with about 25 items (or more) and insists on going before me with my four items in a carry basket.

Another irk is when they put up "LEFT LANE CLOSED AHEAD" with a sub sign "3 MI AHEAD" on the highway. Then a repeat at the two mile mark and one mile mark. So all the commuters, truckers and smart drivers move to the right and drop to about 45MPH, make space for merging and plan on going through the day. Then you have the fucking idiots that go right up to the merge at 65MPH and are now stuck causing a 5MPH traffic jam. Fuck you all. You are getting the finger.

Most of the times, I will hold doors, let people move and merge in traffic and go on. It's 3-10 seconds of my day. Acknowledgement helps, but generally I don't care.

Another irk is when they put up "LEFT LANE CLOSED AHEAD" with a sub sign "3 MI AHEAD" on the highway. Then a repeat at the two mile mark and one mile mark. So all the commuters, truckers and smart drivers move to the right and drop to about 45MPH, make space for merging and plan on going through the day. Then you have the fucking idiots that go right up to the merge at 65MPH and are now stuck causing a 5MPH traffic jam. Fuck you all. You are getting the finger.

THIS. Yes, and I will also put some emphasis on my finger! Especially since the construction has been going on for months, and you people know this!

Other than that, I'm happy to let people merge in front of me. Just don't fuck with me afterwards by sllooooowiiinnnggg doooowwwwwnnnn. Ack.

A person who does something they perceive as "polite," and follows up the action with a rude comment when their target's behavior doesn't comport with their expectation, is not a polite person.

Posted by: Brian at May 9, 2013 7:58 AM
____________________________________

I don't know what Miss Manners would say about a sweetly said, sarcastic "you're welcome." (I don't remember her forbidding it - I'm pretty sure she wouldn't.)

When it comes to holding doors, while I may not utter that to someone my age or older, if it's someone significantly younger AND I'm waiting for that person to walk ten feet to get there or I'm standing off to the side, like a doorman, rather than just walking through and holding it for two seconds, I have no qualms about saying it. It takes a village, right?

It reminds me of all the times on narrow sidewalks when I move toward the wall to force kids or teens to break rank so they won't think I'm going to step off the curb just so they can walk side by side.

And while this is not strictly related, I DO plan not to send any more presents by mail (even on birthdays) to certain people if they don't write thank you notes. I don't mind not getting such notes if I deliver them in person and they thank me in person, but otherwise, how am I supposed to tell the difference between people who want to CONTINUE getting presents from me and those who don't? (As I think I mentioned before, maybe one reason kids don't write such notes much - even e-mails - is that they get enough stuff from their parents and really wouldn't mind much if they never got ANY more presents by mail from other adults.)

BTW, here's something about how common courtesy means remembering that strangers don't have to say "hello" to your dog or child just because you would LIKE them to (and more importantly, the need to make dogs and kids keep their distance until told otherwise):

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/a_fine_whine/2013/05/i_hate_dogs_they_re_lounging_in_our_offices_and_licking_us_at_our_cafes.single.html#pagebreak_anchor_2

"Then you have the fucking idiots that go right up to the merge at 65MPH and are now stuck causing a 5MPH traffic jam. "

Some states actually have ordinances about that. A few years ago, there was a big interstate repair job here that required closing lanes. The police department issued press releases before the job stated stating that, according to state law, at the point where the sign says "MERGE RIGHT" (or left), the lane is officially closed. They said that people who passed stopped traffic in the blocked lane would be ticketed for driving on a closed road. And they put cops out there and did it.

They said that people who passed stopped traffic in the blocked lane would be ticketed for driving on a closed road. And they put cops out there and did it. -- Cousin Dave at May 10, 2013 11:27 AM

The one I'll do along with others, mostly truckers, is ride the center of the white line so anyone wanting to fly by is going to have to ride the side lane rumble strips a least a little.

I think we may have gotten to the heart of the problem. Rules vary from place to place - especially unspoken ones.

Exactly opposite to Cousin Dave's experiance, I remember reading in the paper a few years back about this same type of thing with lots of letters to the editor so they had the state police address it. The road closed 5 mi ahead and merge left/right was notice and a direction to merge as traffic allowed. The road was not closed at that point unless something else indicated it was (e.g. cones). He sited some cases, etc.

Here another one. Say you are turning left from a parking lot into a road with a lane in each direction plus a bi-directional turn lane in the center. Where I used to live the law said to turn into the turn lane and then merge as soon as you reasonable could. Where I live now says you should turn directly into the lane of travel. If really required, you can turn into the turn lane, then stop then merge (it is illegal to drive down the turn lane).