Misconception About The Advice I Give And The Shape It Comes In
I emailed a long response yesterday to a woman I really felt for -- a woman with some substantial self-esteem issues who wrote me for advice. I got a response back from her this morning:
Though your advice is often harsh, I found your advice to me very helpful. Thank you for taking time to focus on my petty problems & I shall indeed seek out the above mentioned book. All the best to you as well.
I wrote back to her, telling her that her problems actually weren't "petty," but the essential bit is in this excerpt from my response, in italics:
Thanks for your response. I write humor in the column, and will be harsh with people who behave terribly (meaning unethically) to others, but you didn't do anything wrong.In fact, I feel for you, having been in a similar position in my early 20s. Many women are.
Nathaniel Branden's work is exceptionally helpful because it isn't just about thinking happy thoughts and nonsense like that but about reshaping your thinking and behavior.
I know you are extremely busy right now, but can you tell us some more about these issues?
Does the book deal with people who have had their self worth \ self esteem demolished by another very vindictive person?
- I heard a great line from Titus the other day: Anyone who has never thought of suicide has never been in love. Anyone who has never thought of murder has never been divorced. -
Eric at July 3, 2013 12:10 PM
Ah, yes. You gave Stever the same advice. By the way, he's doing very well. He's finished school and has become a Deaf interpreter!
Patrick at July 3, 2013 12:19 PM
Hearing the truth, when it's something that you'd prefer was not the truth, is always harsh. But it's something we all experience now and then.
Cousin Dave at July 3, 2013 1:45 PM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2013/07/03/misconception_a.html#comment-3784400">comment from Cousin DaveThanks, Patrick, and Eric, there's stuff on preventing that from happening.
Amy Alkon
at July 3, 2013 3:19 PM
Most people know the truth already. It's holding the mirror up to the person that is hard.
Jim P. at July 3, 2013 9:10 PM
The way I see it you are far too nice aabout it. Ofcourse I'm the type of mentality who would used a ten pound sledgehammer to crack an egg when despensing advice to what is see as problems caused by peoples own ignorance, or more often than not, willful stupidity
lujlp at July 4, 2013 3:16 AM
I have a friend whose 19 year old son recently came out to her. I'm not sure how she didn't know that he was gay, because I figured it out pretty quickly. Anywho, she called me crying about it. We talked for quite a while and she just really didn't want to believe or accept it. About a week after he came out to her, she emailed me at work (we work together) and I that's when I used the 10 pound sledge hammer on her and told her, it's not about you, it's about him. She wasn't upset that he was gay, she was upset at how him being gay was going to affect her life, i.e., she won't ever be a grandma, what if people mistreat him because he's gay, etc. She didn't email me back for a long time. Then she called me and said you're right and I needed to hear that, thank you. Sometimes you just have to smack someone upside the head with a 2x4 to get them to see things from a different perspective. I appreciate Amy's bluntness in some of her responses as well as the humor she incorporates into her advice.
sara at July 4, 2013 7:13 AM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2013/07/03/misconception_a.html#comment-3785595">comment from saraThanks so much, sara. I think you have an obligation to tell friends the things they need to hear. (It sometimes pays to wait when you're pretty sure a person can't hear what you'll say at all but you need to judiciously figure that out.)
Also, you may not be the one to convey the information. I have a friend I care about that another friend is much closer with -- super close to, in fact. Well, she's been self-publishing some books and I looked at one on Amazon and the first page had two big errors in it -- one sentence had an extra word and another had some other error. I printed out the page, made the corrections in orange, sent it to my other friend and said I thought the friend who'd been publishing these books needed to know, but that I thought it might embarrass her coming from me. That friend told her instead. So, we got the information across that she really needs to know -- because the work is good; a copyeditor is just not something you can cheap out on when you publish a book.
Amy Alkon
at July 4, 2013 8:32 AM
Leave a comment