Seems to me that this is something that HR should be in charge of
solving. Let them know.

When someone has been wearing the same perfume for years, they can't
smell it any more, and tend to ladle even more on so that they can
smell the hint.

Had a relative who just couldn't understand why we opened all the
car windows in cold weather. After all, she hadn't even applied
perfume at all, that day. Trouble was, after all that time,
everything she owned was marinated in the odor.

As you get older, you tend to lose your sense of smell.

Most workplaces have a no perfumes policy for this reason. BO can be caused by all sorts of things. I always had a problem back in the day when we had to wear hose,for some reason, they really made my feet stink.

I think an anonymous note is fine, as a prelude to going to HR.

In my case, well not in *my* case, it was B.O. and I was about to have a private chat with the individual when thank god, our entire unit was laid off.

So I was able to avoid that discussion.

It seemed so odd though, a young attractive girl who dressed well, but wow, she just stunk.

Had me wondering about what I knew or didn't know about sweat and/or feminine hygiene.

But I felt she would take an anonymous note poorly and it would be worse than just taking the hit points for telling her directly.

HR never seemed to be an option in this case -- we were all contractors and HR was probably 1000 miles away. Our immediate supervisor would probably have moved her to a separate work area -- keep her away from the men that the supervisor never trusted anyway.

Don't ask me what happened -- thank god I was laid off.

Haha - once upon a time, the person swimming in perfume was me! I worked at an architectural firm where all the desks were out in the open in one big space on the second floor. One day, one of the partners called me to his desk to ask me if I could please tone it down... WAY down. He said he was allergic and that he could smell me coming as soon as I walked in the front door – on the ground floor. Ha! I was starting my maxi-maximalist phase back then and my motto was "excess is best", but that's not true when it comes to perfume. And yeah, I'm sure it was because I wore so much of the stuff I couldn't smell it anymore.

Actually, it was the wife of one of the other partners who turned me on to it: she was in the building one day and I said "ooh, you smell good, what's that perfume?" She turned around, smiled, and said in her thick Southern accent "that's AMM-UHRR-EEE-GEE." Ok... so next time I was in perfume-buying mode I decided to look for that. The salesgirls looked puzzled when i asked for "AMM-UHRR-EEE-GEE", but they finally figured out what I was asking for: Amarige, by Givenchy.

Now I know better, and don't wear so much perfume. But my son-in-law does, and what makes it worse is that it's the cheap stuff. I gave him a bottle of Chanel Antaeus for men one xmas with a note saying "a little goes a long way", but he didn't get the message. I don't see him that often and it's not a huge problem, but maybe one day if I have a chance I'll whisper it in his girlfriend's ear. It would be more effective coming from her.

Nobody will send the anonymous message for you from his email address for fear he will get the blame for it. Wait until a coworker leaves his computer without logging off and send the message yourself from his computer.

I work in Silicon Valley and I've walked down a grocery store aisle a minute after an ... ahem ... "H1-B Visa holder" has strolled through and the BO hangs like a suffocating cloud.

Same way at work. Fortunately for Engineering, they've fired all the Americans and it's like Little Bangalore in there, so apparently there's no problem until they walk out to the rest of the campus.

On the other hand, I put one drop of cologne on one day (literally one drop - gift from a girlfriend I worked with) and my male subordinant went apeshit crazy on me.

Lesson learned. Now everything I use is unscented.

I once was tasked with telling my apartment-mate and coworker that he was malodorous at work. He never showered or did laundry. He took the news well and changed his habits.

Shiva, I'm confused. Are your daughter and your SIL's girlfriend the same person?

Huh? Daughter? Where'd you see that?

The most offensive odor I've ever endured is a coworker who doesn't shower enough and makes the odor with cheap perfume. The odor of drug-store perfume used to mask B.O. is horrible.

> Huh? Daughter? Where'd you see that?

Son-in-law definition - "The husband of one's daughter."

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/son-in-law

We had a girl at my last job with horrible BO. This was in an office with narrow rows of tiny cubicles so there was no escaping it. Some girls who were close to her staged an intervention of sorts and it improved immediately. Not sure exactly how it went but I feel that this (kindly informing her) was nicer then letting it continue on and on and possible cause her career problems down the road since she is very smart and an extremely hard worker.

She had been living in her car when she first started at the company and I think her bathing habits hadn't adjusted back to normal. She just needed some help and it worked.

I just say it.

I told a student that he had a problem and he took it really well and sincerely seemed touched that I cared enough to talk to him.

I told him that I was going to talk to him just like he was my son. He was growing up and needed to shower and use deodorant every day. If he needed deodorant, we could have some for him in the nurses office and he could also take showers in the gym if for some reason he has trouble getting them at home.

So yes, be straightforward, but be aware that there can be a problem that is interfering with hygiene, either access or some kind of infection or imbalance.

I've never had any problem with perfumes because I'm obviously allergic and people don't like to see me snorting or hear me coughing and wheezing. I'm eve. More annoying than the stinky perfume wearer.

While no-one likes BO, at least it doesn't set me off like perfume. Btw, some Indian people came I to my place of business and I had no reaction the their perfume. They told me that it was pure fragrance from flower oils rather than the chemical copycats used in the United States.

Why so worried about being found out?

The anonymous note is very 8th grade.

I've never been one for avoiding conflict. Just out and say it.

"Listen, I need to bring up a very sensitive topic, and I know it's uncomfortable. It would really help me out if you could wear less perfume. It bothers me and hurts my concentration at work. I'd really appreciate it if you could help me out with this."

People love to help, and you don't come off sounding like an insensitive jackass.

Or, alternatively...

"Listen, I need to bring up a very sensitive topic. You probably don't realize it, but you have a slight BO problem. I'm sorry for making you so uncomfortable."

It's nicer than laughing at them behind their back, and saves them the humiliation of getting HR involved.

If talking to them directly is going to cause an issue the anonymous note is almost assuredly going to as well. The possible exception is if the bad reaction is because there is bad feelings already between the two of you. In that case, I think having another trusted co-worker or H.R. talk to them is best. They will probably assume the anonymous note is from someone they have bad feelings with.

I am quite sensitive to some perfumes. Lucky so far I have not had to deal with this...at one place there was some one who was much more sensitive to me. At the other two I have been off in corners and just got lucky I guess.

Where I currently work there are many H1-B holders and some of them use way too much cologne (usually it is the men) and lucky for me it tends to be spicey stuff which doesn't seem to bother me near as much.

I recently noticed a section at work is posted as"Scent free" and that you should not enter that area if you are wearing perfume or cologne.

Something I just remembered...

In one of those corporate training sessions I attended someone asked something like this and the lawyer said while usually they can do something at another company they (the law firm) had to deal with a case where the B.O. was caused by a medical condition and so was protected...they couldn't do much about it. Of course she couldn't elaborate.

NEVER, NEVER handle this type of situation anonymously. NEVER!

That is the coward's way out. It will make the "stinker" think that everyone is guilty of leaving the coward's note. (and do not do as the supervisor did at one place I worked with a woman whose hair stank to high heavens - he left a bar of soap at her workstation)

And what do you do if they ignore the note? leave another? and then another? way to go - force someone out of a job because of "hostile" notes?

Nope, the best and, in my opinion, only way to handle this is for the stinker's direct supervisor to have a "sit down talk" with him/her. Lay the facts on the line and ask that they tone down the perfume (or tell them to be more aware of personal hygiene if that is the case).

Will this be a pleasant conversation? Nope, not in the least. But, that's a part of being a boss, you get paid more to do the unpleasant stuff. Don't like it? Then don't be the boss with the extra pay.

This doesn't mean that the boss has to be mean or personally offensive about it. Just lay out the facts as if it is a part of any other work shortcoming. If it a medical condition, a note will not address it; but, a face-to-face talk will give the stinker the opportunity to mention it. Then, come up with a game plan on what the expectations are and ask the stinker how they will address it.

Certainly not a pleasant task; but, that's what being the boss means, you get to do the really stinky work! Good luck!

Hard issue. At one of my first jobs, one of the senior guys apparently bathed in his aftershave. Fortunately, he had a private office, so it didn't affect you unless you were in his office. A the junior guy on the block, *I* certainly wasn't going to say anything. But as a colleague or supervisor, I think a quiet, personal word over a cup of coffee would be the way to go.

B.O. is harder. I went through this with both of my sons, as they came of age. Each of them was quiet obviously unaware of when he was starting to smell, even when it practically knocked you over as he came into the room. I adopted a policy of just quietly telling them each time I noticed. It still took each of them several months to settle into a routine where it didn't happen anymore.

Which, of course, brings up the question: where are the parents in all this. As long as we are talking about people who grew up here, personal hygiene is something you learn as a kid.

For people from other cultures, where body odor is more tolerated, the issue may be more difficult. However, the quiet word from a colleague is surely the most merciful way to go. Not least because the person may actually need to ask for advice.

I have had problems with body odor, and thankfully it was only brought up once, when I had a problem that was easily fixable.

Evidently, when I eat garlic, I emit an odor for a couple of days. I no longer eat garlic or onions even though they are healthy and I enjoy them. I used to think they were fair game after I left for the day. Luckily, I learned better.

I used to have terrible foot odor and a fungal infection of my toenails that I developed at 6 months of age. I used creams and powders, had my toenails cut down and scraped, even soaked them in bleach until they blistered. Finally, when I was 28, new oral medications were developed. It takes months of medication, blood tests, and may cost thousands of dollars. For me, it was definitely worth it!

Other medical problems cause odors too. With some, I went to doctors, yet it took a long time to get to the root of the problem, so I would urge people to be patient and to treat even "stinky" people with kindness.

"C" in my office had an issue with a one particularly strong perfume sometimes worn by our receptionist "E".

It was discussed privately and seem to be resolved, until the day E wore the perfume again and C took exception, got shrill in the reception area and ended up being fired.
C was a very productive worker, a bit prickly, who usually kept to herself. E was a gregarious, beloved institution. I was sorry to see C go.

So status-both formal and informal-matters and should be weighed carefully, as should the personality of the offender. Not everyone is good at criticism, and can manage it in a non-confrontational way. If either is a factor, and HR is out of the question, a kind letter might be the only recourse. If her status or drama level is high, send it with flowers. Unscented ones.

Caveat and Snoopy, thank you. I thought I was the only one to notice that.

Shiva, you wrote, "Now I know better, and don't wear so much perfume. But my son-in-law does, and what makes it worse is that it's the cheap stuff. I gave him a bottle of Chanel Antaeus for men one xmas with a note saying "a little goes a long way", but he didn't get the message. I don't see him that often and it's not a huge problem, but maybe one day if I have a chance I'll whisper it in his girlfriend's ear. It would be more effective coming from her.

Either you refer to your daughter's boyfriend as your son-in-law, even though they're not married, or your son-in-law has a mistress that you're okay with.

How did I know the first response would be to run to HR? Clue - HR isn't the BO police, the potty police, nor the who stole my lunch police.

I'm assuming we're adults in the workplace. So be an adult, ask to talk to the individual, and just say it - "Joe, I'm pretty sensitive to scents. I'm sure you don't realize it, but yours is overwhelming and creates I'd be so appreciative if you could use less scent at work."

Part two, if it's BO? Similar approach. Be an adult, and treat your co-worker like an adult.

If the problem is just perfume or cologne, the culprit seems like a reasonable individual unlikely to get overly emotional about the news, and we have a decent working and/or social relationship, I'd tell them in person. I would make the coversation as much about the artificial scent and my bad reaction to it as possible, to make it feel less like a personal attack.

However, if they're a touchy sort of person, we don't have a great relationship (or they're my superior), or BO is in ANY way involved, I would go anonymous. It protects everyone involved. I'm basing all this on how I imagine I would feel if I were the culprit in either scenario.

I think perfume bans are overkill, especially since many people confuse "allergy" with "I don't like the smell." I wear perfume but I am pretty careful about putting on only a little and reserving the stronger ones (with more sillage, lovely French term for the trail of scent left behind) for home only.

A lot of modern perfumes are formulated to lie close to the skin. They aren't like the 80's scents that everyone remembers when they think of overwhelming perfume. Little Shiva's old scent, Amirage, is notorious for strong sillage. As Luca Turin puts it in a review:

"We nearly gave it four stars: the soapy-green tobacco-tuberose accord Dominique Ropion designed for Amarige is unmissable, unmistakable, and unforgettable. However, it is also truly loathsome, perceptible even at parts-per-billion levels, and at all time incompatible with other's enjoyment of food, music, sex, and travel. If you are reading this because it is your darling fragrance, please wear it at home exclusively and tape the windows shut."

Ah, I see what happened: the word in French (I live in Charleroi, Belgium) is "beau-fils" which I translated incorrectly as "son-in-law". It can mean that, but also "stepson" - that's what I meant. http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/beau-fils .

If a company has a effective HR dept, let them handle it after being told by you.

Otherwise? Suck it up, be an adult, and have the akward conversation in the most matter of fact and diplomatic way you can. I'd want to know if it were me. And an anonymous note is just cruel-they will wonder every time they talk to someone if they were the one who wrote it. I've been on the receiving end of an ackward talk or two in my day, it's no fun, but when handled correctly you can move past it and on with life. Plus, they are likely to think an anonymous note is just someone's idea of a cruel joke to play.

Pull the person aside in a private area, say "this is ackward but if it was me I would want to know, so here goes: I think maybe your brand of deodorant has stopped working. You might want to try switching, because I've noticed an odor that I know you don't want to be walking around with. And this is the one and only time I'll bring it up." and off you go. Make your next interactions scrupulously normal and lowkey. The weirdness will fade, as will (hopefully) the BO.

"Everyone -- or anyone.

Tell me why that would be a bad thing"

Because there is no end to the embarrassment. A conversation is ackward, but it fades relatively quickly. A note, and the worry that each person they interact with left it, will last and last and last...you aren't usually so cowardly, I'm surprised you'd recommend this. It's not saving embarrassment for the stinker, it's only saving embarrassment for the letter writer. Saving yourself discomfort at the expense of someone else is not polite, or adult.

"If a company has a effective HR dept, let them handle it after being told by you."

No. No. No.

If a company has an "effective" HR department, they are fully engaged in their BUSINESS objectives, not in playing mommy to people who can't bring themselves to hold a mildly difficult conversation.

Thank you momof4 for the answer which I assumed (mistakenly it seems) would be obvious.

Amy, I'll second momof4's response in that I am surprised at your even thinking an anonymous note would be ok.

But, it is just one lost battle in the war on rudeness. So, I guess it only goes to show that the Advice "Goddess" is here on earth in human form with the occasional human failing. ;)

P.S. I'll also second Tasha's suggestion that this is NOT the primary duty of HR. HR should be called upon ONLY if there isn't someone else to handle it; such as if the problem is the boss of the department. Even then it can be very tricky and job threatening, if not handled well, to the stinker's subordinates.

However, I do think HR should be prepared to help the manager on how to handle such a situation, if asked, and would not suggest an anonymous note!

The perfume version of the conversation is much easier to have, because many people have legitimate perfume allergies or have that as a migraine or asthma trigger. This does not have to be conveyed as personal criticism.

The body odor issue must be dealt with face to face. Anonymous notes are devastating to receive. They makes the recipient wonder how many people have been talking about him, and depressed and humiliated--like no one cares about him as a person, he is just seen as an awful problem. There is no friendly lead-on or hand holding, just miserable shock when he opens the notes and reads it. Another possibility is he will think the unidentified note writer is just being cruel or dislikes him personally, and he might tell himself the problem isn't real.

I might try to be kind by saying I had just noticed the problem recently, and I might even say it happened to me once when I tried an ineffective deodorant.

I have met a few Americans who don't use deodorant and who openly brag about it, like, "If you're clean, you don't need those chemicals." All of these people had a BO problem. They don't realize it's a different story after they've been sweating for several hours in a warm office. I had to tell an ex that he was kidding himself.

HR is different from company to company, but in mine I would probably talk briefly with them ahead of time and let them know I was about to have this conversation with this person. I would not ask them to intervene, but I would see if they had advice. The problem is that acceptable body odor is subjective, and the person might get very defensive or perceive it as an attack on his culture.

When you say an anonymous note is "devastating," a face-to-face conversation may be fine if you have a good relationship with a person and they're stable, but think about a person who is unstable and who maybe isn't so thrilled by you. They can turn your working life into working hell, as I write in the passage.

Posted by: Amy Alkon at September 16, 2013 6:41 AM

In my opinion, this is absolutely correct.

Amy, maybe people just differ in their reactions. I strongly believe that if I had a BO problem, I would prefer a kind anonymous note from a colleague to a kind direct conversion from that same colleague. BO is such an embarrassing topic, no matter how carefully it is addressed, and I think I would always recall that humiliating conversation in my future dealings with that colleague. With an anonymous note you can heed the advice, then crumple it up and mostly forget about it. I'd be grateful that person helped me save face. But I guess other people might feel differently, or at least think they would...

Now if they're a good friend, family member or trusted mentor, that's different, those relationships can handle embarrassment and I would want them to tell me to my face. But not if they're just some co-worker.

I don't find an anonymous note cowardly or weak. Unless there was a friendly relationship prior to the note, its not going to stop the person from wondering who's talking about them. Now they just have a face to put with it.

And discussing all the self-entitled people, it could be seen as you're out to get them and making it up to hurt them.

Finally, that doesn't mean that the topic of conversation around the office doesn't turn onto you.

It seems like most of the replies draw the scenario of 'you have a problem, I tell you, you fix it'. As this column regularly addresses, that is seeming to become a less common response. The only safe face-to-face is likely a perfume allergy or offense.