Love And Polyamory
Emmett Rensin at LA Review of Books on polyamory. An excerpt:
Let's say you accept the basic bargain of monogamy. You believe that fidelity, if handled realistically, sensibly, and maturely, is the romantic ideal. You believe that we are jealous by nature (at least to a point), and that this is healthy. Even if you've enjoyed sowing your wild oats, you believe that love, true love, makes people want to be exclusive, and finding true love appeals to you. At the very least, you believe in practicality: monogamy means less chance of heartbreak and venereal disease, and your lover leaving you for someone new.You believe, as the majority of our culture does, that true love is a zero-sum game traded in sex.
You try your best, but many partners, especially your earlier ones, fail you, or you fail them. More than 50 percent of ostensibly monogamous people admit to cheating -- chances are, you don't always get what you bargained for.
Or maybe you do, but find there's a more insidious trouble: the exclusivity that was supposed to give you peace of mind... hasn't. Even if your partner doesn't cheat, even if he doesn't leave you for another, you can't shake the feeling that he might: it just seems to happen so much to people around you. How can you ever be sure? You believe jealousy can be healthy at first, but you find it doesn't go away. After awhile, you're unsure if you're more bothered by the prospect of him stepping out behind your back, or just the perpetual knowledge that he could at any time. Is this even the partner you want to worry so much about, or are you just settling? You imagine making a mistake, and you imagine the price the world extracts for such a failure. You remember parents and friends, broken down and trapped in financial or emotional captivity.
Love is supposed to be a challenge. You know that. But you wonder if it always has to be this challenging, or if it ever gets any easier.
The very axioms of monogamy conspire to make things worse. You believe above all else that real love is manifest in sole attraction: but then what happens when you find yourself longing -- even fleetingly -- for a pretty girl at work, or an old, still single friend? Doesn't that mean you don't really love your partner? Doesn't that mean you love this other one instead? You don't, of course, but if true love is wanting exclusivity, then something must be wrong. It can't just be lust, and so you begin to rationalize your attraction. You think about that pretty boy so much, surely it means something beyond sex. But what can you do? Convinced of your failure, you destroy the relationship you have with your lover, and pursue the other. It doesn't work, of course. Once you have them, and the tension's gone, they return to what they always were: a curiosity, and nothing more.
Or maybe not. Maybe you stay in the initial relationship and, decades later, with a partner you barely recognize and lonelier than you ever were alone, you wonder if you should have left, if it's too late now, and if you'll ever stop being too afraid to do something about it.
Either way, you can't help believing that you've failed. You know this is where a lot of people give up and make false compromises: they tune out, or they cheat quietly -- it helps a bit, but not enough. You know that, and you can't stand the thought of becoming one of them.
And in the end, it's just another form of love, another form of relationship:
The big reveal is this: of the kinds of love we fall into, monogamous or polyamorous, casual or serious, there is a common thread of mundanity.
Dark thoughts m'lady.
(Or maybe my coffee has not kicked in yet).
Bob in Texas at February 21, 2014 3:19 AM
Yeah, and I could have been a doctor, if I went to medical school. I could have done a lot of things, but the choices I made precluded some of them. The older I get, the less likely it is that I'll be a professional athlete, an astronaut or president - for which the entire world should give thanks. It's called life.
I have lived modestly well, and regret little. Could I have done better, interms of a career? Who knows, but I (mostly) like my job. Is there someone out there "better" in every way than Mrs D? The odds are low. Interested in me? Now we are in Powerball territory. I'm going to enjoy what I've got, not worry about what might have been. My uncle used to travel to Japan for Kodak, and met many of the Japanese employees there. After one of his trips, he told me "Your wife is special." My uncle was a smart man.
MarkD at February 21, 2014 4:21 AM
A lot of women, and some men thrive on drama. They will pick the emotional roller coaster over safe stable monotony every time.
If they are not high on love or something else, life looks too monocrome to them.
Other than age, and wisdom, there doesnt seem toe much of a cure.
I also believe that divorce, and instability is socially transmitted. If you run with a crowd of people, that have divorced parents, or have been divorced themselves, you will be more likely to see moving on, as the solution to your bordom or unhappiness in your relationship.
I have known two or three women who tried to back out of a divorce after realizing that it wasn't going to get them to a a new happier place, but by the time they realized that, they had totally pissed off the man by squabbling over the assets, and he was the one who pushed through with the divorce.
Isab at February 21, 2014 4:39 AM
The grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence.
Love the one you're with - CS&N(&Y?).
There are countless phrases and lyrics that touch on this topic.
Goo at February 21, 2014 5:01 AM
The grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence. -- Goo at February 21, 2014 5:02 AM
But the grass is usually greener over the septic tank.
Jim P. at February 21, 2014 5:47 AM
Well, if there are adults out there who believe that true love manifests itself as sole attraction -- that no other person, anywhere, will ever seem attractive -- then yes, I can see why they'd feel unhappy and conflicted. But what I've always been told about marriage is that it's normal for happily married people to feel attraction to outside parties at times. As I've told my husband, he's maried, not dead. Now, does monogamy mean you can't pursue those attractions fully? Yes...but I'd say the significant majority of attractions in life don't end up going anywhere, and when you factor in that saying, "Hey, I'm in a relationship with someone who I love and don't want to leave, but I also want something with you!" is not going to be appealing to a non-insignificant number of people, even if it's followed up with, "BTW, my partner knows I'm asking and is fine with it," I think you reduce the odds that an attraction will be more satisfying when spoken of than just enjoyed silently even further.
Look, if you really feel that polyamory is the only way for you, sit down with your spouse/partner BEFORE you do anything with anyone else, be honest, and see where you go from there. BEFORE you have any kids. If you're single, look for a poly-friendly partner on the front end. But the type of person being described in this article strikes me as someone who has confused rom-coms with real life.
marion at February 21, 2014 5:56 AM
But the grass is usually greener over the septic tank.
So, the real moral of the story is the happy marriage fertilizes the lawn?
Just because one is married doesn't mean one should not woo one's partner.
I R A Darth Aggie at February 21, 2014 6:01 AM
Well, I guess, that is the attraction of swinging. You both get some variety while keeping the attraction at a sexual level where it doesn't spill over into a full blown emotional affair.
I have fallen into love a couple of times with men outside of my marriage. Fortunately neither one of them was husband material, and I value both the stability, and the incredible niceness, of my husband.
Isab at February 21, 2014 6:18 AM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2014/02/21/emmett_rensin_o.html#comment-4274869">comment from IsabRegarding how polyamory is able to sink into mundanity just like other relationships, as I wrote (with my Advice Lady partners) way back when about threesomes, "There's always somebody sitting on the bed reading Vogue snarling, 'Call me when it's my turn.'"
Amy Alkon
at February 21, 2014 6:39 AM
>> "There's always somebody sitting on the bed reading Vogue snarling, 'Call me when it's my turn.'"
That just sounds like bad planning to me.
Assholio at February 21, 2014 8:36 AM
"Here's why 'Traditional Marriage' is Bullsh*t"
http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4589763
Michelle at February 21, 2014 8:44 AM
:looks up from the paper: so, looks like I'm not missing much.
Well, let me know when the perfect the Cherry2000, that might be a decent investment.
Elsewise, everything is too damn neurotic. Expectation has replaced work, and certainly acceptance.
An interesting little line from a song: "if you're bored, then you're boring."
SwissArmyD at February 21, 2014 9:34 AM
Marion. Did you click the link and read the whole essay. That's exactly what's suggested: do it beforehand.
David at February 21, 2014 9:40 AM
A slut is just a prostitute without the business sense.
Patrick at February 21, 2014 11:52 AM
Rather than reading a trite and poorly written HuffPo article, why not go directly to the source?
http://www.amazon.com/Sex-history-Reay-Tannahill/dp/0812825802/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1393014890&sr=1-1&keywords=sex+in+history
Isab at February 21, 2014 12:37 PM
Looks good - Thanks Isab.
Michelle at February 21, 2014 1:12 PM
"Is there someone out there "better" in every way than Mrs D? The odds are low. Interested in me? Now we are in Powerball territory."
You owe me a new computer monitor.
chang at February 21, 2014 2:13 PM
Marion. Did you click the link and read the whole essay. That's exactly what's suggested: do it beforehand.
I did. Think I didn't state myself clearly. What I was trying to say is that I don't dispute that there are certain people who are best suited to being poly. But the people being described in that article struck me as being immature, and from what my poly friends and acquaintances have told me, being intelligently, ethically poly requires that you be more mature than the average bear, not less, and it takes work. The people being described in this article are not striking me as having the mental fortitude necessary to do poly well. YMMV.
marion at February 21, 2014 8:15 PM
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