New Trend In Prenups -- The Social Media Clause
Lauren Effron writes for ABCNews:
A husband and wife are on a romantic vacation at a beach resort. The husband, thinking his wife looks hot, snaps a photo with his phone of her in her bathing suit and posts it to Facebook and Instagram. The wife, hating the way she looks in a bathing suit, finds out about the photo after her phone starts blowing up with notifications that she had been tagged and the comments are flooding in.She demands he take down the photo. He'd better do it, too -- or he might have to fork over thousands of dollars.
In an age where we are constantly seeking instant gratification through our social media connections, more couples are seeking the so-called "social media prenup," a written document, or often simply a discussion, that addresses what's acceptable to share online about each other, sometimes with serious consequences.
...A typical social media clause will state that couples can't post nude photos, embarrassing photos or photos or posts that are likely to harm a spouse's professional reputation, Carrozza said. Her clients don't pick and choose between what's acceptable for Facebook versus Instagram, but do more of a blanket provision for all social media.
"There might be a bathing suit photo that might be particularly embarrassing," Carrozza said. "Posting that would have to be cleared."
With her clients, Carrozza said, the penalty for violating the social media clause has been monetary. The amount set depends on a person's wealth, she said, but, for example, for someone living in New York City who makes below $5 million, Carrozza said, "the clause we're using with it is $50,000 per episode," meaning per post or per tweet.
I understand why people are doing this, but if you can't just have the person you're marrying care enough about your wishes to adhere to them, you're already in trouble.
No pictures of my boyfriend appear on this site, save for one or two of his shadow in Paris. He's a private person, and he didn't have to ask me to come up with this policy; I just wanted to do what he's comfortable with.
In "Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck," I advise that, in all your friendships and relationships, you be proactive in letting people know what your personal "privacy settings" are. You, not anyone else, get to decide what gets posted about you.
Also, on a friendship level, as I write in the book, "Friends don't post photos that make friends look like crap":
In a real marriage finances are generally combined, so you can work together towards common goals, and having a family.
I know some people who married, and kept their money separate, but it was a very strange business type partnership, and mostly done for the benefit of the two children they had together.
They may be still married, but I don't think they live together anymore.
If you are paying little (or big) fines to each other for breach of social contract, you've got some sort of relationship, but it doesn't meet most people's definition of a marriage.
Isab at June 7, 2014 7:23 AM
Exactly, Isab.
Amy Alkon at June 7, 2014 7:43 AM
I get prenups for people who are especially wealthy, responsible for a family inheritance or whatever. That's not even the 1%, that's a fraction of a percent.
For the rest of us, I can only say: If you feel like you need a prenup, either you aren't ready to get married, or else you are about to marry the wrong person.
Lastly, Facebook and Twitter would love to be your "stream of consciousness", but...do you really want to share that much with the general public? Forever? That's what you're doing - any privacy settings are a joke, trivial to get around.
a_random_guy at June 7, 2014 11:42 AM
Nothing wrong with having THREE bank accounts, necessarily. As in: His, hers, and theirs.
Reminds me of what Planned Parenthood executive Sheri S. Tepper (she later wrote successful sci-fi novels) wrote in a 1978 pamphlet (24 pages) for young women: "So You Don't Want to Be a Sex Object." It talks a lot about financial independence.
Excerpt from page 13:
"KEEP YOUR OWN BANK ACCOUNT
"And keep something in it. That 'Everything we have is ours' routine is cute and romantic, but it's most practical for a truly compound organism - like a jellyfish.
"In that bank account you need enough money to pay a deposit and first month's rent on a place to live. You need enough to pay all outstanding bills, AND a little extra for emergencies. Unless you've got that in the bank, you're not independent. If you live with him and spend all your pay every month, and then you're not living with him any more, what are you going to do?
"Or suppose you want to buy your sister a gift, and he hates your sister, but you end up spending (a lot) out of the joint account......"
And from pages 18 & 19:
"Don't be a victim of the college student syndrome. This is the simplistic view that 'I need X for rent and Y for food, and the rest I can blow.' You can't blow it. When you were in school someone else was paying the insurance, for clothing, your medical bills, the taxes...
Page 19:
"Never co-sign a note for ANYONE, including your brother. Only poor credit risks need a co-signer. Give him the money if you want to and if you have it, but don't co-sign a note. Ever."
The rules in the pamphlet are:
1. "Don't expect anyone to MAKE you happy."
2. "Make up your mind about sex."
3. "Get paid what you're worth."
4. "Consider yourself first." (Subdivided into "Make your own plans." "Do things for yourself." "Keep your own bank account." "Work out agreements.")
5. "Don't try to play it both ways." ("Don't play poor little me." "Don't mistake courtesy for patronage." "Don't fall into the rhetoric trap." "Don't let them get away with it." "Don't allow stereotypes to continue." "Don't cheat." [That is, don't get pregnant 'accidentally.'] "Don't blow it by bad management." [Financial
management.])
6. "Don't expect it to be easy." ("Be patient." "Don't be afraid of feelings." "Don't use feelings as a weapon.")
7. "Take care of yourself." (Your health, in particular.)
lenona at June 7, 2014 11:49 AM
>>For the rest of us, I can only say: If you feel like you need a prenup, either you aren't ready to get married, or else you are about to marry the wrong person.
Prenups are very useful for people who are not rich per se, but own their own home or have any substantial assets. It is possible to have too much to lose to go into a marriage without a prenup and not be rich. I don't consider social media concerns to be reason for a prenup.
Matt at June 7, 2014 3:46 PM
Everyone has a prenup. It is the collection of family law that governs a marriage.
If you like the choices that the state has made for you, or if you trust the law to be the highly crafted and fair result of principled legislators, then of course you don't need a prenup.
If you marry when you are poor and expect to be poor when and if you divorce, then you don't need a prenup.
Prenups are unromantic. How could you ask your emotional partner to think of anything as mundane has how you would split up your assets in divorce, or whether your personal pictures will appear on RevengeOnYourPartner.com?
Half of couples divorce, and it isn't because they are still best friends to each other.
Andrew_M_Garland at June 7, 2014 10:58 PM
Excellent points Andrew, particularly around the fact that state law is your default prenup. My husband and I married in our late 40's and did not set up a prenup; our state laws are consistent with what would be fair in our situation, were we do separate. However, if either of us had had children before the marriage we would have. I think that is the responsible approach to estate planning.
I agree with Amy on the book excerpt about considering your friends' feelings before posting photos. I'm assuming your spouse is also a friend so why would you need a written statement about how to treat him/her?
This is basic courtesy.
Dorris at June 8, 2014 5:21 AM
A conversation about appropriate/inappropriate pictures is fine and normal. Not everyone has the same assumptions and clear communication is often good for a relationship. But if you need a legal document covering this you shouldn't be married. If you can't trust each other that much your relationship is doomed.
On the money front we do the 3 pots similar to lenona's suggestion. There is family, his, and hers. Family covers all expected family bills (mortgage, utilities, insurance, medical, IRA, ...). His and hers are his and her's fun money and it is nobody else's business how it is spent. If I want a new electronics toy and I have the money I can buy it and it is none of her business. Similarly when she bought all those baby clothes that our child will never get much use out of it is none of my business. We figure out how much fun money we will have each christmas and we both get the same no matter who generated it. And if we are wrong family pot trumps all others. Fun money is not a priority.
Ben at June 10, 2014 7:45 PM
Oh, and we did look at a prenup before we tied the knot. I have some 'toxic' business assets and this would have protected her from some situations. In the end we dropped it. I don't recommend one unless you have a very unusual situation.
Ben at June 10, 2014 7:49 PM
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