I would argue that it's fine to have your birthday at a restaurant as long as everyone knows what the deal is up front. A friend of ours did this recently. We all went out for his birthday. We knew where we were going ahead of time, so we could check the menu, and we knew we were all splitting the bill. Anyone who couldn't afford it didn't need to go, no hard feelings.

People may know what the deal is up front -- and not be able to come because of it.

It's "fine" if you don't care that some people won't be able to come.

I prefer to try to make things accessible for all and inclusive of all, whether it's serving food for vegetarians or making an evening not beyond the budget of some.

PS Oopsy, forgot to link to the HuffPo piece -- now linked above. Please share that piece if you share this.

It is NOT all right to charge your "guests." It doesn't matter how rich they are or how poor you are. (As Miss Manners says: "It is vulgar to notice how much money other people make.") It's one thing to suggest to a group of friends that you go out together and split the bill. It's another matter when you make it "your" party - and thus make yourself the "host" - by mentioning that it's your birthday and then refusing to offer any hospitality.

More on that, from Amy's thread in 2013 -

"Need Your Pet Peeves: Eating, Drinking, Socializing Rudenesses":

As Miss Manners says, over and over:
"If you can't afford champagne, serve punch. If you can't afford punch, serve water. But serve it graciously."

To reiterate:

I don't mind potluck dinners, especially when circumstances mean that the hosts will never visit my house (such as when they are semi-invalids). But there ARE times when potluck isn't really that - it's mooching.

From Amy Dickinson's column, fall of 2006:

Dear Amy: I just received yet another invitation to a "party" to which I am supposed to bring food and drink. I have noticed that over the years this "potluck" trend is increasing.

I think potlucks are fine for impoverished grad students or committee meetings, but it seems to me that two gainfully employed adults who own their home should not expect their guests to provide refreshments for themselves.

If the excuse is that both are working and have no time to prepare, I would argue that the same is true for their guests.

If cash is short, a big pot of soup and some crusty bread make fine fare. My understanding is that hospitality means sharing what you have with your friends, not asking them to pay for your "party."

I have taken to simply declining without explanation invitations that require me to provide refreshments as price of admission. I am wondering if I am the only person who is fed up with this whole thing.
- Tired Of Cooking

Dear Tired: I have also noticed an increase in potlucking and agree with you that, depending on the event, bringing your own food and drink to a dinner party hardly seems like hospitality.

Now that you've thrown down the cassoulet, let's see how others respond.

And here's the best follow-up, from Jan. 2007:

"Those who object to potluck dinners should be aware that there is a difference between a dinner that everyone agrees will be shared -- and one to which guests are invited, only to be asked to supply the hostess's menu. I agree that the latter is inappropriate."

I was born before 1960 and I have to admit that "no problem" does bother me (unless, as Amy suggests, it is said with cheerful enthusiasm). The phrase gives the impression that I've done something to impose an undue burden on the other person - and this most certainly is not the case in the professional settings in which I typically hear the phrase. "You're welcome" is better. Even better, if it is sincere, is "I'm glad I was able to help."

Great piece Amy! I've loved reading your columns and blog for years. I just ordered the book from Amazon and am eager to read it.

Sincerely,
Andrea

Thank you so much, Andrea!

To put it another way: If you want to be with friends and go out on your birthday but you don't feel like hosting - and you know no one's going to throw you a surprise party - just suggest to your friends that you all get together at some modest restaurant - and Don't Mention that it's your birthday. That way, at least, they won't feel ANY guilty obligation to accept - and if they have to refuse for some other reason, they won't feel at all peeved.

See? It CAN be done!

Maybe I'm an exception, but I was born before 1960--before 1950, even--and I've long since gotten in the habit of saying "no problem" instead of "you're welcome." Sometimes I remember to use the latter phrase--I do realize that some people prefer it--but it sure feels stilted when I do.

I love potlucks. In any case, around here if you throw a party most people go ahead and bring something. If people ask, I say, "I've made enough food and drink for everyone, but if cooking is your hobby you have a new recipe you're dying to show off feel free, but please don't go out of your way and feel like you have to bake something or stop at the store just because".

Because some people are offended and take it as a slight against their cooking if you say no. We've got a lot of bake-proud housewives around here.

I'm with NicoleK, I like potlucks.

> bringing your own food and drink to a dinner party hardly seems like hospitality

I don't know, it seems to me like socializing is supposed to be fun, not be a big burden. And if your guests feel like they're being a burden, that isn't conducive to a relaxed atmosphere. Hm, maybe that's one reason potlucks generally feel a bit less 'stiff' to me. I feel like a party is for everyone's enjoyment, so everyone can chip in a bit ... I feel less like a burden on my host if I'm chipping in, and 'many hands make light work' etc.

> Say "you're welcome" instead of "no problem" to anybody who looks old enough to have gray hair

Hm, I need to really remember this as I regularly say 'no problem' to my customers (via email etc.). Born in the 70's, I just don't 'feel' the negativity in the phrase.

DrPinWV, I'm with you on that "no problem" does sound like I asked someone to do something that was, in fact, a problem. But, still, I guess it is better than folks who say nothing!

As for the "equally" split dinner check - I stopped doing that years ago. I do NOT drink, so I am NOT going to pay for your booze.

The last time I did split a check I put in $25 for my $8 plate of pasta only to listen to the waitress complain about being stiffed on a tip - I then put in another $20 because the boozers all stood around with dumbstruck looks on their faces. There was no way I was going to eat dinner at a restaurant where the waitress was going to work for free serving me. So, my pride ended up costing me $45 for a plate of pasta that was worth less than $2.

And, no, not one boozer offered to pay more or reimburse me. And I do not socialize with any of those folks any more.

Potlucks are fun when the folks involved are foodies who love to cook, and then you get some cool dishes. And everyone gets to show off. Can get competitive though.

NicoleK wrote:

"Potlucks are fun when the folks involved are foodies who love to cook, and then you get some cool dishes. And everyone gets to show off. Can get competitive though."

Exactly. It depends on the group. We have a group of friends who host each other regularly. The guests will usually bring a bottle of wine that may or may not be served depending on the hosts' plans.

We also have dinner with two other couples where the host couple makes the appetizer and main course while the other couples bring dessert and salad. It has evolved into trying out new dishes since each couple makes an effort to make something special.

As someone who used to have grey hair before it decided leave my head for the shower drain, I prefer "you're welcome" to "no problem", but I don't let minor things like that bother me.

I don't know, it seems to me like socializing is supposed to be fun, not be a big burden. And if your guests feel like they're being a burden, that isn't conducive to a relaxed atmosphere.

Posted by: Lobster at June 14, 2014 12:34 AM
____________________________________

I think I already spelled out the difference between democratic potlucks and fake hospitality - i.e., demanding that people spend money or cooking time in YOUR honor, or, simply, mooching.

To repeat: It's one thing to suggest to a group of friends that you go out together and split the bill. It's another matter when you make it "your" party - and thus make yourself the "host" - by mentioning that it's your birthday and then refusing to offer any hospitality.

Here's another example. Before parenting became so disgustingly competitive (in the material sense) it was perfectly normal for child guests at birthday parties to bring nothing but one present each - usually not a very expensive one - while the parents provided all the food and entertainment - also not necessarily very expensive.

Anything wrong with that?

In this century, though, many child guests - thanks to the weak-willed parents - have come to more or less expect birthday invitations to include expensive outings, whether to restaurants, concerts, or paintball galleries. This means that the birthday kid's parents, who do not have the spine to say "no" to their tearful kid's demands, have the gall instead to demand that the "guests" pay for the tickets - and the other parents may not be in a good position to chip in for BOTH a present and an outing - and certainly not multiple times a year for other kids' birthdays!

Or, as in a Baby Blues comic strip from a while back, the kid's parents might - shudder - take everyone to the mall and have the birthday kid pick out clothes and toys while the kid's friends pay for them - all so the kid will never have to learn the art of saying graciously "thank you, that was very thoughtful" for an unwanted gift - or having to learn that it's the thought that counts. Parents of the "guests" need to learn to tell their kids "no, we are not accepting that invitation - it's rude and disgusting and YOU would never do that to YOUR guests."

While it's true that there are guests (at adult, non-potluck dinners) who have the gall to accept invitations they have no intention of returning just because they're lazy freeloaders, all it means is, they are not real friends and do not deserve a second invitation.

And as NicoleK hinted, the easiest and best way to suggest having a potluck - that is, where the people actually cook - is to make sure everyone you're emailing/talking to LIKES to cook in the first place! (Unlike the person I quoted who signed as "Tired of Cooking.") The same goes for shared restaurant outings - make sure no one in the group is on a really tight budget that doesn't even allow for McDonald's, otherwise the "invitation" can sound insensitive. (That was certainly my case, for several years.)

The gatherings I go to - and cook for - are very often potlucks, due to certain circumstances. However, whenever I get invited to something that isn't one, you bet I'm going to reciprocate by being a full-fledged host. It's only fair. If I can't afford to reciprocate, I simply let the other person know that I can't possibly accept such a generous invitation.