The outfit is unbecoming.

Thank you so much, Art Deco. So sweet of you to say, rather than thinking better of it and keeping it to yourself.

Apparently, the world disagrees with you, because I got stopped by four strangers in the span of two blocks telling me I looked fabulous.

The hat, by the way, is made out of the mesh used on cheap baseball hats. I have a few of these.

Hello Amy,
I heard your interview on the modern manners guy podcast where you said that some people visiting your site said rude things about your appearance so I decided to see for myself.
I want to tell you that after seeing your photo on this blog-you are nothing near what those ignorant people said to you!
IMHO, you are a beautiful classy looking lady! Thank you for calling it like it is.
Good luck to you in all of your endeavors!

With respect,
Joe

I like it! What does the rest of the outfit look like? Are you wearing a long skirt?

I guess Art Deco is trying to give you material for your next book, Amy. I love it!

Lettuce? My first thought was maybe a Brussels Sprout. But I make no claims to fashion sense. More's the pity, though, since my youngest daughter sometimes asks me for outfit advice, and I'm usually pretty helpless.

That said, it's a fine hat. Do you have one in deep blue? I think that would provide a nice contrast with your hair.

Amy, you look glamorous as hell. Big hats love tall chicks. Green hats love redheads.

Remember, this is the Internet, where Jennifer Lawrence is a "fat pig" and Megan Fox is a "7/10."

Here's another lovely hat, from many years ago.

Gal wearing it is pretty cute, too.

Sometimes a still photo doesn't do the trick.

But Art Deco exposes a better question: what duty is it of ours to insist that the 400-lb woman in (soiled!) Spandex at WalMart clean up her act?

It is just a matter of degree. Whether we disagree with someone's fashion sense or they pose a public health risk, when you advertise, you should expect comment.

I have seen better pictures of you. It doesn't make you a troll, and neither does Art's comment - a simple expression of this outfit's effect on him. You're gonna get voted on, and this from a guy who wished everybody dressed for DragonCon or ComiCon all the time!

Art Deco - I'll send a petition to St. Francis de Sales, the patron Saint of Good Manners, for you; because that was most certainly a slip of the tongue. We all know you meant to say that outfit is Very Becoming, right?

In my opinion, not that I have an eye for fashion or anything, but, I rather like the outfit. It is bold and beautiful.

And clearly, you are enjoying wearing it - and that is all that matters.

Joe, how lovely -- thank you! And yes, I'm wearing an evening-skirt, floor-length. That's a scarf, the green lettuce-y looking thing. A taffeta boa by Fornash like the ones I get in Paris.

And thanks Insuff.

I run a free speech site but, as I write in "Good Manners For Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck", at the root of manners is empathy, and the fact that you have a thought is not reason enough to release it into the atmosphere.

Now, I'm tougher than most people who get insulted on the Internet, but I have to say, I sent that photo to my editor, because I thought he'd appreciate the hat, and then I saw Art Deco's comment.

Even though I like how I look in it, I felt bad and wondered, "Do I look ugly? Maybe I shouldn't have sent it."

If you're going to cull up feelings in other people, perhaps feelings like mine aren't the nicest to be culling up.

And I have a suggested rule in the book for Internet behavior, the Behave As You Do In Real Life rule. Would those of you who tell a person on the Internet that she looks like crap do the same with a stranger in the grocery store? ("Excuse me, ma'am, but that person looks ridiculous with those shoes.") If not, why do it on the Internet?

The only thing wrong with that outfit is that it makes it harder to see your lovely face. And even then you carry it off with style & panache. Thus not so wrong at all.

Would those of you who tell a person on the Internet that she looks like crap do the same with a stranger in the grocery store?

The stranger in the grocery store is shopping, not displaying photographs of herself in ugly dresses and hats and implicitly asking for comments. I'm not doing you any favors by suggesting you do it again.

Lady Sarah Chatto is a contemporary of your's with taste.

http://www3.pictures.fp.zimbio.com/Lady+Sarah+Chatto+British+Royal+Family+Arriving+OJQTFf5-bJkl.jpg

--

My regrets this upsets you. Cannot help but note you and everyone else here puts up with Crid.

That's quite a hat you're wearing there.

I love hats and wish they were worn more often. Ms. Amy appears to be relishing her lettuce hat. What a fun evening she must had. Keep doing what you do!

So.

Is this the new standard?

Is everyone who doesn't find a look appealing required to keep it to themselves?

How about non-verbal communication - glances, lip curls, blinking, subtle changes in speech patterns which do not directly address one's appearance?

How about if they own a company with a diversity pledge?

Again - if you had chosen yellow Spandex (which I have seen here but obviously not on a woman of your character) is silence still mandatory? IS there a point at which someone SHOULD say, "Lady, you might want to think about that next time."

"IS there a point at which someone SHOULD say, 'Lady, you might want to think about that next time.'"

If you are her friend, if you are fairly certain your opinion would be widely held, AND if you think the decision is going to cost her socially or deprive her of some opportunity that she wants.

Your friend plans to wear a fedora to a job interview. Your friend has visible panty lines. Etc.

"Again - if you had chosen yellow Spandex (which I have seen here but obviously not on a woman of your character) "

Whoa whoa I wore those once and was going for a Bruce Lee lGame of Death look.

I was really into the 70s what can I say.

Personally, I think the outfit is very becoming. It's fabulously quirky, unorthodox look. Rather like Amy herself.

Amy writes: The hat, by the way, is made out of the mesh used on cheap baseball hats. I have a few of these.

Well, I'd say that that's another fine mesh you've gotten yourself into.

˙oɔǝp ʇɹ∀ 'llǝɥ oʇ oƃ 'ɥO

I don't advise people on what's right for me but what seems like would work for them.

It doesn't work for you.

What some of our commenters here may have missed is that it's not just about the clothes. If *I* went out in that outfit, people would shake their heads and talk quietly among themselves. I couldn't pull it off.

However, when Ms. Alkon strides forth in it, 500 nanometers starts to look like a pretty happening neighborhood. It's not just the gown, it's that there's a lot of woman happening inside of it.

Crid and I aren't mono-minded. We disagree on plenty. But he isn't anywhere on this post saying, "My, you look like a hag," and "Here's a contemporary of yours who doesn't have your bad taste."

1. I said the outfit was unbecoming. I did not say you looked like Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

2. No, he saves his venom for others.

Art Deco: My regrets this upsets you. Cannot help but note you and everyone else here puts up with Crid.

Crid and I have both been posting here since this blog began, and we have never put up with each other.

Art Deco is being rude and, even worse, unkind.

Doesn't make what he said untrue. I'll be rude. That hat is a ridiculous monstrosity and did not make you look good. No, you are not ugly but that hat is. So very unattractive that while you have it on most people would not notice how striking you are because they are trying to figure out what the hell that putrid green blob is. That is rude. Being told it is unbecoming is just the truth being told in a very understated way.

I love the hat. It reminds me of how black church ladies wear those big elaborate hats.

But if I didn't I wouldn't see the picture, click the link, and tell Amy that I think it's ugly as hell. Not sure what the point of that would be anyways.

I can see the point of a compliment what's the point of telling someone their hat is ugly

Because I lack empathy? No, I empathize with Art Deco on this. Maybe because I think the reaction to his very subdued "unbecoming" was a little much and unnecessary. Art Deco didn't say Amy looked like a hag nor was it implied by his comment. He didn't like the outfit and neither do I. If you aren't ready to hear that, don't post the picture.

In what way was anything hurt by by voicing "that's unbecoming"? I've seen many pictures of your style and I like much of what I have seen for what that's worth and, I'm pretty sure, even said it. I don't think you really care whether I like it or not. Scratch that, I know you don't care whether I like it or not.

As to assholes, I can be and, maybe telling you that the hat is ugly, is being one. I'm not particularly offended by the title and calling me one does not improve the looks of the hat. I will likely comment again and you will probably call me an asshole or, at the least, think it. I can live with that.

There is no reason I can think of that you need to tell somebody her hat is ugly. When friends and family post photos on facebook, I don't tell them if I dislike their outfit or haircut or makeup or that's it's not the most flattering picture of them I've ever seen. There's nothing to be gained from that except the possibility of hurting someone's feelings. Why on earth would I want to do that? Why would you?

Besides, who cares what somebody is wearing? The point of a photo is that you like the person and therefore enjoy seeing his or her smiling face. At least I think that's the point.

There is no reason I can think of that you need to tell somebody her hat is ugly. When friends and family post photos on facebook,

1. Facebook is social media. People who fancy social media often give up on the idea of privacy in favor of shaping a 'public' identity.

2. You bear some responsibility for the dignity of those in your ambo. You'd better tell your teen-age daughter that her midriff is covered when she leaves the house; it's your job. That aside, you're educated by the people around you, and, one hopes, well educated. That can include blunt assessments re aesthetics. I've been told by those around me I have terrible posture and I should never sing.

3. She put the picture out there. Of her own volition.

So you were rude and unkind out of a sense of responsibility to Amy? You wanted to help her out? What a joke. You were rude and unkind because you felt like being rude and unkind and saw no good reason not to be rude and unkind. That says much more about you than it does about the hat.

As Amy aint on the market, the attractiveness or lack thereof of her outfits are materiel two only to people.

As for that photo, the lighting sucks, so who knows how good it really looks.

So you were rude and unkind out of a sense of responsibility to Amy?

Lizzie, you said there was no reason you could think of to tell someone what their wearing is ugly. I gave you the reasons. Now you fancy I'm claiming one and you tell me you're inside my head. I am neither her husband nor her brother, so I do not bear that responsibility. I'm a blog commenter, among other things. She puts it out there, I offer a remark. I'm not in the business of offering encouragement or affirmation unless I think a course of action is advisable. Not only am I not her husband or her brother, I'm not one of her gal pals either.

--

in cases where you feel like just hauling off and telling a woman she looks like a hag.

I neither stated nor implied that. I said the outfit was unbecoming. I made no comment on the contents.

I suggested you take a leaf from Lady Sarah, who is a woman of 50 who knows how to look scrumptious without any cheats like cosmetic surgery or makeup.

Someone once said that "'grace' is just another word for no wasted motion". My parents contemporaries knew this, for the most part, and lived it. You could see it in how they carried themselves.

If there's anything I don't need at 50, it's help feeling a little insecure at how I look.

I suppose the analogue would be for you to comment on my virility, physical vigor, or vocational life, or, more precisely, how I display any of these attributes. Problem: I did not and do not in these fora display any of them.

While we're at it, The New York Times traduced you when they said you left this note on someone's vehicle, right?

“Road-hogging, gas-guzzling, air-fouling vulgarian! Clearly you have an extremely small penis, or you wouldn’t drive such a monstrosity. For the adequately endowed, there are hybrids or electrics.”

Sort of an odd thing to say to a mother of six, right?

So there, Art Deco.

Amy is allowed to be an asshole to a stranger she knows absolutely nothing about because she was "using costly signaling theory (by Israeli anthropologist Amotz Zahavi -- see "The Handicap Principle") to persuade people to not drive vehicles larger and more polluting than necessary by spreading a meme that people who do this are jerks." You are a buttwad for using the word "traduced" but the use of "costly signaling theory" just means she's spreading a meme that she approves of but anybody who doesn't must be a horrible horrible person who hates Gaia so it is ok for her to be a fucking douche. She totally got a lot of media attention so again that makes it alright.

I get it , Amy. You like your hat. I have now changed my mind. It is a really nice hat. Sorry telling you I didn't like the hat suddenly made you feel old and ugly even if that wasn't implied, meant, and was totally repudiated in further comments. Lesson learned! That is a lovely hat! Sincerely, where can I find Amy Downs originals on the Gulf Coast? I am sure my Grandmother would love one.

I am sorry that you do not see that you are not the arbiter of people's driving choices and that it is just as small and fucked up to leave your bullshit note as to make a blog comment on a hat. Endanger people on the road? You endanger yourself if you drive a crackerbox. Oh sorry, I am criticizing your choice. Oh, you think that is none of my business? You're right. Yes, I know that you have convinced yourself that your reasons make it ok. I also know that there are plenty who will cheer you on because those people driving those big nasty cars deserved it. Still not really much difference and you know it.

No, I wouldn't approach a stranger and tell them their hat was unbecoming. I would tell my wife, mother, sister, or friend if they were wearing something like it that didn't look good. Would I be a little more nuanced about it than I have been here? Probably but I would tell them and that is where your argument fails. Nobody criticized your looks. No one said you were ugly. That is your own projection and, for someone so confident, seems strange but, since I have no background in psychiatry, I will refrain from speculation.

I read and comment here. From that, I do know you to some degree and would not have any problem approaching you and introducing myself. You can believe that or not.

You may proceed with your name calling. I am a big pussy but I am small inside.

I am small inside because I do my kegel exercises.

I am small inside because I do my kegel exercises.

Yeah, I'm gonna need to verify that statment

People's driving choices affect others in meaningful ways -- endangering others on the road and impairing their breathing. My hat does not affect your lungs and it will not squash you into a pulp if I bump into you.

If you're concerned about externalities, you might suggest measures that would redistribute the costs of making use of automobiles for transportation and allow people to rebalance their consumption. Making a fuss about large passenger vehicles (in a country with a couple hundred million motor vehicles on the road and massive tractor-trailers) is ineffectual and obnoxious.

By way of example, you slap tolls on limited access highways priced at maintenance cost per passenger-mile, increase vehicle registration fees and scale them to vehicle weight, and slap a bodacious excise on motor fuels placed in a trust fund dedicated to road maintenance. You shift the entire cost of road maintenance from people in their capacity as property owners or generic consumers or income recipients to people in their capacity as motorists. Doing some back of the envelope scribbling and guesswork, the size of the excise might have to be somewhat north of $3.00 per gallon.

Of course, people would screech, even if the maintenance budget were unchanged and their were corresponding reductions in property, sales, and income taxes.

"A personal attack on a person's looks is different from criticizing their behavior."

Yes, I understand that you think leaving a written attack on a stranger's vehicle because they have unknowingly violated the Amy Alkon code of acceptable behavior and allowable vehicles is perfectly ok while someone telling you a hat doesn't look great is beyond the pale. I think you overreact in both situations.

I don't consider either a "public concern" and therefore do not accept your logic which is quite different than not understanding what you are attempting to say. Your reasoning on the SUVs is overblown and personal. Driving any vehicle has issues of air quality and collision including your hybrid vehicle. There are many reasons for choosing a particular vehicle such as the larger mass of the SUV provides more protection to its driver and passengers in the case of collision than a smaller vehicle as well as having more room. You seem to believe that your reasons and choices are the only valid ones and try to beat others into accepting them with rude notes. I remain unconvinced. You may believe that makes me stupid while I will consider it a failure of your argument.

No, I do not consider someones choice of vehicle a public concern. It is their private concern and they have reasons for making that choice which is unknown to you and ,just as importantly, none of your business. All vehicles contribute to pollution including your hybrid and can be involved in a collision and kill a person so your singling out vehicles that you personally dislike changes little. Yes, your argument has failed.

No, a family's choice of a SUV is not a "Public Concern". The internal combustion engine driven automobile including your dreaded SUV isn't and won't be banned anytime in the near future notwithstanding the existence of the EPA and NTSB or your insulting notes to strangers. Your logic on this could also use some help.

I find it extremely amusing that you can be so personally incensed by a blog comment about a hat but so blind to your own prejudices about a perfectly legal mode of transportation.

Those prejudices convinced you to write ugly drivel and leave it as...how did you put it to me? Yes, here it is,"Perhaps some have a goal of leaving little turds for people". Well you are certainly more accomplished at that than I. I am not absolutely driven to proclaim mine as a just and righteous cause. Let's call the media and save the world one insulted soccer mom at a time.

I was just commenting on a hat.

Come on, Amy. Let's get small!

It IS a public concern, which is why we have the EPA and the NTSB.

No, the externalities may be a public concern. If it is your complaint that the full cost of driving an SUV is not borne by the owner, there are ways to render those costs internal. That's what underwriters do, that's what the excise collectors can do, that's what the DMV can do. No need to second guess people's consumer choices. It's just a motor vehicle, not a vice good.

Aren't there any tractor-trailers in Los Angeles? I've logged hundreds of hours on I-81 since 1995 and I do not notice SUV's. Too much else blocking the view.

Again, would you come up to me and say, "Hi, Amy Alkon, that is one unbecoming hat!" in person?

After this exchange, yes I would! However, you live in Los Angeles, and, as Truman Capote noted, you lose one point off your IQ for every year you stay in California. I make it a point to restrict my movements to the intelligent and civilized parts of the country.

And you've still behaved like an asshole and apparently firmly lack the decency to come clean about that.

I ration my apologies to

1. People I've actually injured and

2. People I'm responsible for.