Ghosting: Going Casper On Somebody
I'm answering a question for my column on "ghosting" -- which describes when somebody a person has dated or been in a relationship just disappears without a word. No contact, no goodbye, no nuthin.
This isn't a dictionary term, so I wanted to find out what the word on the "street" is -- do you consider it ghosting if you've been on a single date with somebody and neither party contacts each other afterward? Is the guy, in a hetero thing, supposed to contact the girl even if he has no interest, just to say, "Thanks, bye!"
Or do you consider it more hurtful to write back to the person and -- in not so many words -- say, "By the way, I just wanted to let you know I'm just not that into you"?
And finally...does it matter if there's just been one date? And is your answer different if there's been some light smoochiewoochie (nothing heavy or naked-y)?
I've been out of the dating pool for a while, but have a lot of friends doing the Tinder/OKC thing.
Most people I know wouldn't call it "ghosting" if there had been just one date, or even two. There has to be a couple weeks of regular phone contact, meeting up, and probably s-e-x for them to call me up and complain the guy ghosted. There has to be an *expectation* that you're meeting up again. When that expectation is unfulfilled without an explanation, it's generally considered ghosting.
I've also heard it called "the fadeaway": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fr8HKRTavM0
Is the guy, in a hetero thing, supposed to contact the girl even if he has no interest, just to say, "Thanks, bye!"
I talked to a friend a couple weeks ago who had a guy do this: two days after their first ho-hum date, he texted her, "It isn't going to work out. I don't think we have a connection. Sorry." She thought it was weird (and a little presumptuous).
sofar at November 7, 2014 7:40 AM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2014/11/07/ghosting_going.html#comment-5432381">comment from sofarThanks, sofar.
Amy Alkon at November 7, 2014 7:45 AM
One or two dates? Neither party owes the other further contact, regardless of gender.
It's not "ghosting," because the smartest first date is a low-stakes, no-strings coffee or a walk in the park. If there was sex on the first or second date, then they can figure out their affairs themselves.
After one or two dates, if one party then contacts the other looking for another date, then I think it's polite to say, email or text "I had a nice time, but there's not a connection. Best of luck."
Kevin at November 7, 2014 7:47 AM
I think it's fine if neither party contacts the other after a date or three without sex. That's not ghosting.
If there was sex, or if it's been more than a few casual dates, unless there was a creepy vibe and something is telling you to completely cease contact, It's ghosting (and SO rude) if one party reaches out to the other not to return a call or text and say something like "I've enjoyed hanging out, but I don't see this going anywhere." I mean, most people claim they need closure.
However, it's also risking a face-saving blowup wherein the "injured" party claims that he was only being nice and anyway, you're fat.
(x-posted to facebook)
Beth Cartwright at November 7, 2014 8:26 AM
I went on a few dates with this one woman. It seemed like we were on a path to an actual relationship. Before things started really moving toward that direction, she told me that she had gotten a temporary job in Chicago and would be back in a couple of months. We continued to talk on the phone before she left. However, she never called me back. I know she returned because I saw her walking down the street by her house one day. I just figured she wasn't as into me as I was into her and that it wasn't worth any more effort.
Sometime later, I met a woman through the personal ads. We seemed to really hit it off on our one date. However, when I called her, she never picked up the phone and there was no machine (and this was before Caller ID). I once called and got her grandmother on the phone, who said she would relay the message. But I still never heard from her. I was actually hurt by this because I really liked her and thought she felt the same way. I ran into her at an event about a year later. She was pleasant enough, but didn't really have anything to say. I didn't ask her what happened, but I was still hurt.
Fayd at November 7, 2014 9:54 AM
I think if you've had a successful date or two, and a bit of kiss and cuddle, you owe it to them to have the balls (or ovaries, as the case may be) to notify them you're no longer interested. Just disappearing is gutless. Ok, if it was a random hookup at a nightclub, fair enough. Not if it was a genuine attempt to find a partner.
I'll go so far as to say even one date, if it's a real date, is enough that you should at least respond with whether you're interested. A certain amount of white lying is ok - "you're not my type", "it's not you it's me", whatever.
Ltw at November 7, 2014 1:16 PM
Is the guy, in a hetero thing, supposed to contact the girl even if he has no interest, just to say, "Thanks, bye!"
The one who isn't interested should say so. Doesn't have to be the guy. Unless there's stalking going on, disappearing is uncool.
Ltw at November 7, 2014 1:23 PM
I know I'm not saying this right, but it feels like there is a sexual bias in how you ask your question. As if guys were the only ones who ghost. I been ghosted by women several times. As Fayd says it hurts a bit to be ignored after you started to make a connection. But that is life and you move on. I do think it is a bit rude and cowardly.
Ben at November 7, 2014 3:10 PM
This brings up a related thought, on my part.
How many women push for a sexual relationship too,quickly in order to try and establish a connection with the accompanying social obligations, I.E. *strings* when the relationship isn't there yet?
I know I was guilty of that when I was in college, but learned my lesson fairly quickly.
Isab at November 7, 2014 4:13 PM
I had an internet buddy that dropped me flat without explanation. It hurts. I thought she died or went in the hospital or something dramatic. We'd been penpal types for over a year then complete radio silence. I still miss her.
LauraGr at November 7, 2014 4:14 PM
I have regrets about cutting off a good friend. Her personality was very dramatic and I found myself sucked into her drama, and on the phone for hours even with me saying I need to go. When I realized I had a panic reaction whenever she would call, I knew I had to cut ties. But I honestly could not see myself being able to say what I needed to say and her understanding why. I just didn't think she would respect the boundary if I put it up. I should have tried. It's still a regret I have.
gooseegg at November 7, 2014 6:06 PM
Ghosting is a fairly new term to me. Based on the usage I have seen it only applies to when one has a reasonable expectation that they will see the other. Calling it ghosting before 4 dates is probably a misuse of the term - something like sex might change that 4 dates. A less drastic version is the fade - reducing contact to none rather than going cold turkey.
If an early date just ends with out something said to imply further contact then no further contact is warranted if no interest. If the other party contacts then a nice reply should be given in general.
The Former Banker at November 7, 2014 7:34 PM
As if guys were the only ones who ghost.
Well, if the guy is always the one who calls and asks for a date (as was the case in my dating days, decades ago), he's the only one who can ghost.
I did this to a couple of different girls in college. No sex in either case (those were very innocent times for me), but I did see them every weekend for at least a couple of months. I just didn't know how to tell them that I couldn't see them any more, so I simply quit calling. Gutless of me, and I'm ashamed of it to this day.
Rex Little at November 7, 2014 11:50 PM
I'd go with "its not a pattern until the third time." The first date is just dipping your toes in the water. The second date is testing whatever theory you came up with during the first date. If you are going on a third date, then you are investing more -- be it as "friends with benefits" or a more romantically inclined pairing. Just vanishing without a word after a first date isn't all that uncommon, and if it was a bad date, may well be appreciated. If it was a great date that got hot and heavy, or went the distance, then -- if you weren't clear it was a "one night stand" -- you're on the hook for some sort of more gracious disengagement (good luck to you!). If you went on a second date and it didn't work out, then you should have the courtesy to say something diplomatic before exiting stage right. But, after three dates -- if you disappear you are "ghosting."
David at November 8, 2014 12:55 AM
Some of us call it "going *poof*."
jefe at November 9, 2014 3:11 PM
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