Baby Fever -- Even In Some Women Who'd Never Wanted Children
I have never wanted children, and I love my life without them. When Gregg and I sometimes see kids in public, our feeling isn't "Aww, how cute," but "Phew -- did we ever dodge a bullet."
Apparently, with some women, this sort of feeling can be replaced with a feverish longing to have a baby.
According to a Finnish study by Anna Rotkirch in the Journal of Evolutionary Psychology, it turns out that women who -- like me -- were sure they didn't want children, found themselves suddenly experiencing "baby fever": a deep, often physical longing to have a child. This longing, according to Rotkirch, happens especially in the early 20s and between 28 and 35 years of age.
BABY FEVER TRIGGERS AND CONSEQUENCESWhat fuelled the longing for a baby? According to my respondents, it may arise "out of nowhere" or be caused by a specific trigger. Obviously, some of the triggers mentioned may also be involved unconsciously in the former cases. For instance, the onset of unexpected longing with physical symptoms such as aching breasts and pinching womb may be due to an unnoticed pregnancy.
Age triggers. Most often, women referred to "nothing in particular" or to their age. Part of the age triggers appeared in the early twenties. One woman even deplored that the "fever" she had at 24 had now disappeared: "Actually I feel that my body told me about the right time to have children, and for rational reasons I did not listen to it. Now I regret that." (Born 1978, No. 89)
The second period of reported age triggers was between 28 and 35 years. In these cases, the woman sometimes became conscious of her physiologically limited time to bear children and then started planning and longing for motherhood (cf. HECKHAUSEN and WROSCH 2002). A few respondents mentioned that expert advice from doctors made them think about motherhood seriously for the first time in their lives. Another woman referred to her "biological clock":
I didn't have any baby fever although I was surrounded by cute toddlers all those years and I also had a husband. Then I turned 35 and it was like 'bling' - the biological clock or some other inner voice said 'it's now or never' and that was it.... I don't see it as baby fever because until then it was the thought of all that work and the fact that children are sweet but I don't need to have them myself... then that thought it changed as if by magic, and nine months later I was already pushing my firstborn in a carriage... (Born 1970, No. 58)
Rotkirch speculates on what's behind the baby fever:
Women ... connected the onset of "baby fever" to physical age (early teens, early twenties or late twenties-early thirties), to falling in love with a partner, or to witnessing pregnancies or babies of siblings and peers. Acute longing for a child often developed when child-bearing faced some obstacles. It influenced the reproductive, sexual and social behaviour of the person experiencing it.The texts analysed in this article described longing for a baby as an all-encompassing, overwhelming feeling. Some of the respondents had also felt specific physical and mental symptoms. "Baby fever" was metaphorically compared with natural forces and with bodily and sexual needs. The dramatic quality of these experiences should not be underestimated, especially as Finns usually display emotions with restraint.
The empirical evidence depicts a feeling of such frequency and strength, and often in opposition to prevailing social norms and expectations, that we may speculate it has evolved either as an adaptation, a by-product, or both. I suggest longing for babies could be evolutionarily explained in three ways. First, it is a by-product of the "need to nurture", as FOSTER (2000) among others has argued in a refined theorising of the "maternal instinct" of Havelock Ellis. Finding babies and child care attractive is a common, partly sex-dimorphic personality trait and triggered by previous experiences of caring.
Second, wanting babies may be a strategy in mate selection and courtship, as a way of testing and displaying parental commitment. As already WESTERMARCK (1891: 379) noted, fertility prospects were central to mating in pre-industrial societies. In my material, more or less realistic talk about future children often appeared in the beginning of love relations, even when the couple had no actual plans for children.
Third, especially the sudden onset of longing for babies may result from psychophysical changes that have evolved to trigger maternal attachment in women. These changes would be hormonally mediated and develop gradually, as the couple settles down and the woman grows older.
Have you or a woman you know insisted that you don't want children and then done a complete shift on that?
Yes. Seen it with men too, but not that strongly. But my wife didn't think she wanted children until she was in her 30's. Now we have two. A relative of mine never wanted children, then suddenly wanted one so badly she did expensive fertility. I was recently talking to a college friend who hadn't wanted kids and told me she was just looking out the window one days and started bawling because she suddenly wanted them and was scared she'd never have them.
The evolutionary drive to reproduce is incredibly powerful. It's the reason our species is still around. I wouldn't underestimate it.
Mike at March 6, 2015 8:03 AM
I did. I married my husband who already had 4 children. He did't want more, I didn't want any.
14 and half years later I have an almost 2 year old.
I blame it on falling love with his kids.
Katrina at March 6, 2015 8:06 AM
Have you or a woman you know insisted that you don't want children and then done a complete shift on that?
My cousin, who had her kids at age 39 and 41 (her husband is a couple years older than she is). Had thought all her life she never wanted them, and then wham!
I still have nightmares that I have a baby and wake up so relieved, although I do actually smile at babies and think they're adorable. I'm baby-sitting my friends' baby all weekend, and I'm looking forward to it. But I know I'll also be happy on Sunday when his dad picks him up.
sofar at March 6, 2015 8:10 AM
My sister never got the fever. She is a very logical person and never felt like they fit into her life/lifestyle, and I do believe she is right. However, she's a fantastic aunt to my two.
gooseegg at March 6, 2015 8:36 AM
"Have you or a woman you know insisted that you don't want children and then done a complete shift on that?"
Yes, I have known a few women who did a complete 180 on that topic. They were often the very ones who stated most vehemently "never going to happen to me". Including one who now denies she ever said anything of the sort. Another claims she was saying that so the bf at the time wouldn't run, but from what I know of him he wasn't anti-kids.
As the saying goes, it's a woman's prerogative to change her mind.
Joe j at March 6, 2015 8:36 AM
My friend was dating a gal who, for the first year they were together, "hated" children. Then, right after she turned thirty, changed her mind and really wanted "at least one."
And while I was never anti-child, I didn't decide to have babies until my late 20's. I got married at 23. I had the first one when I was almost 29 and the second at 33.
ahw at March 6, 2015 8:40 AM
What about pets as a replacement for children?
Like babies, they are cute and dependent.
EarlW at March 6, 2015 8:59 AM
I've seen it with both men and women. But it is much more erratic and weaker for men.
Ben at March 6, 2015 9:13 AM
In my 20s, I was on the fence about kids. The only thing I knew for sure was that I never wanted to be pregnant, that if I had kids, I would adopt. Ha! As if it were that easy. I married late (33), and at that point knew I wanted to have kids. After we lost our first child, I REALLY REALLY wanted kids. We finally have one daughter and are hoping for a second in about a year.
EarlW, pets are certainly cute and dependent, but unlike human babies, they never grow up to make you proud or to wipe their own asses.
Kitten at March 6, 2015 9:21 AM
A friend of mine was adamant she didn't ever want kids and acted accordingly. When she was 32, she had a whirlwind romance and ended up pregnant and married. She and the dad split up a little over a year later when she came home unexpectedly and found him in their bed with someone else.
So baby fever, yes, it happens.
Janet C at March 6, 2015 10:06 AM
Me. I never really wanted kids. I wasn't against having kids, but I just didn't care if I had any or not and didn't count it as a life plan or goal. Then when I hit 26 I suddenly had such an intense longing for kids that I was almost obsessed with planning when to have them, what things needed to be accomplished before trying, etc. I actually made a list of things to cross off to get to that point. It really was nuts of me. I had my first when I was 30. I'm now 34 and have 4, although #4 was an oops baby (Paragard pregnancy) as we intended to wait a few years after #3 to have more. We're not sure if we're done or not since when I decided I wanted kids I wanted a large family of 6+ kids. We're just taking a break for a few years before we decide since having 4 under 4 is a bit overwhelming at times. Fingers crossed that my IUD keeps me pregnancy free for more than 5 months this time. LOL
BunnyGirl at March 6, 2015 11:44 AM
I've had fantasies of having kids and knowing what they would look like with certain men, usually only men with $$$$$ who are realy smart, accomplished and would fulfill that provider role.
But fuck no I don't want them. Mainly because of the bipolar thing. It's really expensive to be mentally ill on top of that you're inconsistent and not prone to long term fidelity. Not saying I cheat but bipolar divorce rate is crazy high and I certainly know why. We are really unlikeable partners (which is one reason I think we don't have hippies trying to sell us homeopathy. We're fucking mean).
All that being said if I was lesbian yes I would have them. Since I would have my partner be a stay at home wife.
Ppen at March 6, 2015 11:49 AM
I suspect some part of this or maybe a big part is social, that women see other women in their crowd with babies with those cute little shoes and all and want one, too.
Amy Alkon at March 6, 2015 12:03 PM
Hah, Ppen:
Amy Alkon at March 6, 2015 12:03 PM
I have never wanted kids. I'm 43 now so I assume I'm past the baby fever stage. I was never against having them and if I had married someone who wanted them I would have done so and been happy, but my husband feels as I do so we never did.
I am sorry my mom likely won't be a grandmother because I know she wants to but that didn't seem sufficient reason to spawn.
Astra at March 6, 2015 12:54 PM
The evolutionary drive to reproduce is incredibly powerful. It's the reason our species is still around. I wouldn't underestimate it.
That's true. The English have a good word for it: "broody," as in "I never wanted kids until I hit 35, and then I became quite broody."
On the other hand, I was announcing at five years old that I'd never have children. "You'll change your mind!" said my relatives many times over the years. They finally stopped when I passed 30 and still showed absolutely no interest in children. Still don't.
Some people do know from an early age, and stick to it -- Amy and me, for two. And it's not a question of being a "suitable" or "good" parent. It's just that I don't wanna, the same way that parents do wanna. Both are equally "selfish" decisions.
Kevin at March 6, 2015 12:57 PM
I had a very luke warm interest in having children, and my husband was fine with it either way up to a limit of two.
I don't like babies, and I don't like most small children. I like kids around 12 and up.
I didn't make having kids the focus of my life, and if it had never happened, I seriously doubt that I would have gone the fertility treatment route,
My children have brought me, and my extended family a lot of joy. They still do. It doesn't look like either of my children will have kids of their own. If it happens, I am sure I can spare some time to be a grandparent, but I have a rather full life as it is, and won't miss it if it doesn't happen.
Isab at March 6, 2015 1:27 PM
The comic Amy Schumer has several jokes about hitting her thirties and still not wanting kids, even as her friends are now trying to get pregnant:
"When they say 'I'm pregnant,' my first instinct is to say, 'Ohhhhh... I'll drive you.'"
Kevin at March 6, 2015 1:33 PM
I haven't known anyone who said one thing to ME, but did the opposite later. Most of the people I know are discreet enough not to blab about anything they might change their minds about.
Maybe it happens to those under 40, but if you're older than that and get "broody," as Sylvia Lucas pointed out, that's likely just a case of wanting the fun without the work. Like wanting grandchildren to play with - and then send home. I.e., it's not real regret.
lenona at March 6, 2015 2:27 PM
when people respond to an avowed: "no children evar!!111!"
with: 'you'll change your mind...'
This is what they mean... some percentage of people [anecdotally to me, all women] suddenly wanna make babies...
the unfortunate part in my limited datapoints is that "suddenly" thing. OI! Sheesh, it's like flipping a switch, and suddenly it's "I CAN'T WAIT ANOTHER MINUTE" which leads to no decision making.
I am acquainted with one that just started f-ing anything that would move to get her pregnant, with the accompanying downward life spiral. She got her wish, but says she doesn't know who the father is, and the kid is kinda messed up... and all her long term romantic prospects have left 'cuz it's obvious that she's looking for a mealticket.
Like I said, OI.
Basically, the chemistry can be very strong for some people, for well or ill.
SwissArmyD at March 6, 2015 2:43 PM
I don't think this is social Amy. The flip can be quite fast. And like Swiss points out, it doesn't happen to everyone. I would guess under 30% of women and under 15% of men. And like Lenona I've never seen it happen in an over 40 woman. I've seen the false regret she mentions. I've even seen the baby smell addicts. But I've never seen an over 40 baby crazy.
Ben at March 6, 2015 2:58 PM
That's true, but I think a larger part is biological. At least one of the women who changed her mind told me she felt it on a biological level long before she felt it on an emotional/mental one.
The effect may be more exacerbated in certain professions (like mine) which actively encourage women to either forgo or delay child-bearing, lest their career be damaged. So, at a late age, they finally find themselves in a position where having a baby isn't going to wreck their career.
Mike at March 6, 2015 4:28 PM
I didn't want children because I couldn't imagine finding someone who I thought could be a good person for me to have children with. I wasn't sure I would even know how to give a child or children a stable, stimulating (free-range, too) childhood. Lo and behold, I found someone, and now we have two. I am 35. When I was in my teens and twenties, I don't think I said "never," but I most certainly said "probably not."
Jessica Falconer at March 6, 2015 6:26 PM
Kind of.
Didn't want kids when I was younger. About the time I changed my mind, around 30 or so, I started dating potential husband material (rather than cute-but-flighty guys). So everyone I dated knew where I stood. I wouldn't say that it was sudden. I didn't flip a switch on some poor clueless guy. It was just that if I wanted to be pregnant before 35 (pregnancy after that is classified as high-risk), I had to be married before that, and I had to start dating with a purpose before that. The trigger was a conversation with my obgyn, along those same lines. Not a gut-pinch thing, just a matter-of-fact timeline.
And it wasn't like babies are especially darling, to me. I am thrilled that mine is a mini-adult - interesting opinions, all kinds of artistic talent, and a wicked sense of humor, now. Babies - even mine - meh. Lots of work for not much immediate payback. I would lay my life on the line for my child, but I don't pine for those baby years.
flbeachmom at March 6, 2015 6:31 PM
I was three when I swore I would never get married or have children. Then the queer thing came into focus, and I fell for a woman who was a keeper, and found myself really frustrated with our sex life - my inner three year old thought that because we loved each other and had sex, we would have a baby. Embarrassingly literal. The biological urge was crazy strong, but fortunately we were not equipped for an oops, because I do not pretend to know that had the biology been amenable, I would have been beyond a bottle of wine and baby making.
It was the marriage, and all that it made possible, that I was excited to share with a child. There were other competing responsibilities that did not resolve before she passed (and she was the fun one). Without her, I don't know that I can take on foster parenting or adopting and provide all I would want to give a kid. I've given myself until 45 to work it out either way. At about that time, my nieces and nephews will be in or approaching adolescence and I will enjoy putting Aunt M mode into overdrive.
Michelle at March 6, 2015 7:29 PM
Yeah -- my wife.
She was an avowed anti-natalist á la Amy. She had a special term for babies: SNEMPOS (Snot Encrusted Money Pits from Outer Space).
Within five minutes of meeting me (she was 33, I was 36) all she could think of was "father of my children".
She likens it to a giant switch in her brain, one she didn't even know she had, getting thrown for reasons she couldn't begin to fathom.
Women are so mysterious even women don't understand them.
Jeff Guinn at March 6, 2015 7:50 PM
I've gone from "absolutely not" to "yeah, I think it would be pretty awesome." I blame my husband.
Before marrying him, I barely felt able to take care of myself. But he is so supportive and awesome. He would make such a great father. And with him I would feel confident in tackling the challenges of parenthood. Combine that with the mid-30's hormonal weirdness . . . . three years after "I do," I find myself at "I want two kids."
Pregnancy is strictly verboten to me for the next six months due to a medical procedure. And I've made it clear that, more than anything I want to live my life with him and I know that we discussed kids before marriage and said "no." But . . . we're talking about it.
Elle at March 6, 2015 8:43 PM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2015/03/06/baby_fever_--_e.html#comment-5885530">comment from Jeff GuinnI'm not anti-natalist. Anti-natalists think bringing children into the world causes them suffering. I think bringing children into the world would cause ME suffering.
I don't want children, but I don't have any dumb Erlichlichean, Malthusean, silly reasons for it. I just find them loud, sticky, and expensive.
Amy Alkon at March 6, 2015 11:40 PM
Elle, I can relate.
Michelle at March 7, 2015 2:59 AM
How common does it seem to be in men who were sure they didn't want them?
tg at March 7, 2015 7:58 AM
Yes, when at 39 I found out I was peri menopausal.
Then all the kids that made me go 'phew' suddenly made me go 'how cute! Now I don't have that option!'
A year later I magically gave birth to my son (unplanned pregnancy) and there has been no turning back.
I believe some of us don't want kids until we have them. Then we do. So I don't believe those firm statements anymore.
Rossella at March 7, 2015 9:23 AM
I knew when I was 12 I didn't want kids. I'm 48 now, and still don't want them. I can't imagine what causes women to do a complete 180 like that.
Daghain at March 7, 2015 9:51 AM
For women I have known personally, 100% have already had kids or decided they needed to have kids in their early-mid thirties. The only exceptions I can think of are ones that in effect had kids to raise during that time - the best example I can think of is a coworker who lived with a guy all through her 30s and she acted as a mom to his child.
I have personally had the "apparently sudden" flip happen to me - I mean I see a sudden change but I don't know if it really was - one in particular seemed like maybe she would have liked to have a kid along even though she said differently.
I lady I dated awhile specifically said to me that she had not wanted children but now that she was with me she could not imagine not having children with me.
I have seen men's opinions change over time but a full 180 - from never to maybe but not never to has to.
The Former Banker at March 7, 2015 10:34 AM
In the not so distant past, a biological urge to have sex, was all you needed for parenthood.
Since the invention of effective birth control, your sex drive isn't enough to guarantee a high rate of pregnancy.
I am not sure there is anything to be learned from the sudden desire of women to have children when most of them, in a previous age, would have already become a parent.
Maybe it is totally a by product of effective birth control,
Isab at March 7, 2015 4:12 PM
"How common does it seem to be in men who were sure they didn't want them?"
Just anecdotally, most guys are pretty certain whether they want children or not by the time they're 20, and few change their minds about it after that (unless unplanned pregnancy forces their hand). A few guys remain on the fence until it either happens or not, and they seem to be OK with it either way.
I do know a co-worker who five years ago was saying that she never wanted children. A year later she was pregnant, and now she has two. I've never had the chance to ask her what triggered the change in her thinking.
Cousin Dave at March 7, 2015 8:35 PM
My first wife didn't want kids when we got married, but I suspect she didn't really have a firm opinion of her own and was just going along with me. At 29 she got full-blown baby rabies, probably triggered by her sister and my brother's wife having babies that year. I wasn't about to change my mind, so we fought about it for six years until finally divorcing.
Rex Little at March 8, 2015 10:08 PM
I have never, ever experienced the biological urge to be broke.
Pirate Jo at March 9, 2015 11:11 AM
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