TED TALK: The surprising self-interest in being kind to strangers | Amy Alkon
I delivered this to a big auditorium of people on November 5, 2016, at TEDx Manhattan Beach, but the edited talk just posted.
My talk is based on my science-based book, "Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck," and specifically, the final chapter, "Trickle-Down Humanity," about why we need to do small kindnesses for strangers and why that's the most powerful kind of kindness.
I think understanding this is especially timely, given how ugly the election got and how ugly some people still are being on social media and beyond.
What are your experiences with kindness to -- or from -- a stranger?
Feel free to post them in the comments. Even that is more helpful for generating kindness than you probably know.
And think about following my advice -- my little call to action -- from the video.
Consider some advice I give in the book:
Engage in "kindsourcing.""Crowdsourcing" involves reaching out to a large group of people, usually online, to get ideas or help. "Kindsourcing" is my term for a somewhat more indirect way to inspire a bunch of people to take action. It involves reaching out to others, online and off, with stories of impressively kind and generous altruistic acts that many will be inspired to pass on.
Research by social psychologists Sara Algoe and Jonathan Haidt finds that observing or even just hearing about others' kind deeds motivates people to want to follow suit. It seems that pow- erful positive feelings rise up in us upon witnessing moral beauty: feelings of warmth, awe, and "elevation"--a term Thomas Jef- ferson came up with for what he described as a swelling of the chest and a longing to emulate compassionate acts we've observed.
In the words of one of Algoe and Haidt's research participants:
Watching my grandmother aid this helpless, suffering woman near the days of her death caused me to feel a sense of responsibility to those around me. I began to feel more appreciative for my well-being and the fact that I was healthy. I felt the desire to be like my grandma and have the same goodwill and huge heart. I wanted to help!
Thanks Amy for a great talk. You are so right about the effects of being kind for both the giver and the recipient.
Robin at December 10, 2016 11:42 AM
Thank you so much, Robin. I hope people try this, even for a week.
Amy Alkon at December 10, 2016 1:56 PM
We had such an experience almost two years ago. I had read about a family in our area whose father had to stop work because of disability, whose daughter needed corrective surgery for scoliosis, and who had just run out of propane. Here in Ontario, being without heat in winter is basically a death sentence. So we decided to contribute to a fund that had been set up for them.
Others clearly felt the same way. Enough money was raised to pay their overdue propane and electric bills, to buy a full tank of propane for the rest of the winter, and to cover their incidental hospital expenses. http://www.owensoundsuntimes.com/2015/03/12/more-than-8000-raised-for-baynton-family
For weeks afterward, when I started feeling a bit low, I'd click on that news link. Even though we were only a miniscule part of the total, knowing that we had contributed to the happy ending gave me an emotional lift. Even though I've never met them, and I'm sure I never will.
Brad R at December 11, 2016 8:06 AM
Brad, that is a wonderful story.
By the way, a stranger was very kind to me as I was writing this talk -- at the same time I was in the intense final stages of writing my next book.
Years ago, Gregg got me this fantastic desk chair that solved my back and wrist problems. It broke in the final weeks before the talk and the book's (extended!) due date, and it had to be sent away to be fixed.
I found a desk chair for $20 on Craigslist. My car is out of commission (and has been in the garage for months) because I basically haven't left the house for a year while finishing this book.
So I asked the guy where he was in Santa Monica (I live in Venice), because I'd need to Uber over. I was exhausted beyond words from writing and this would have been a big deal and, come to think of it, would have added probably $30 to the cost of the chair. (Gregg had just had shoulder surgery and wasn't able to drive yet then.)
The guy only had to hear that -- me saying that I'd have to Uber over -- and then told me he'd bring the chair to me! He did. I tried to give him an extra $10 for doing that, but he wouldn't take it. I gave him a hug and told him about this talk and how much it meant to me that he drove it over.
Wonderful guy, here from Germany. When I look at the chair, I think of him. (My beloved chair is still not fixed -- Gregg is going to take it apart and then see what part is needed.)
Amy Alkon at December 11, 2016 9:05 AM
Great talk - I love it.
But, I do have a negative story to share. I have an elderly neighbor who doesn't drive. So, when I had time I would help to chauffeur her around. No problem.
However, she "repaid" me by calling me a bigot and racist when I didn't share her same enthusiasm for Obama.
We haven't talk since; so, I can only imagine how she would feel if I told her I voted for Trump!
charles at December 11, 2016 1:13 PM
You talk of kindness yet you do that to poor Aida! How cruel!
:-)
BlogDog at December 11, 2016 8:56 PM
I enjoyed that, Amy! A great idea, easy to do, with benefits for both parties, perfect!
crella at December 13, 2016 4:34 PM
BlogDog, the truth is, that's Lucy's outfit and Aida only wears sweaters when it's cold. She comes pre-glamourized with the pom-pom feet, etc.
Still, Aida finds it stupid and annoying when I photograph her instead of doing something more productive, like dropping bacon in her little bed as I'm eating at my desk with her in my lap or scratching her belly.
And thanks, Crella. Please post what you do (if you're so inclined) and what you experience.
Amy Alkon at December 17, 2016 6:50 AM
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