I think I've seen Evan Marc Katz's column before...
This question is: "Am I Selfish For Not Wanting to Date a Man with a Special-Needs Child?" (The child is autistic and will likely never be independent.)
"Listen, my wife has a cousin who is wheelchair-bound with MS and has a supportive partner. I got an email from a reader the other day who found a great guy although she’s blind. I helped another client fall in love and have a baby even though she’s paralyzed from the waist down. I have a friend in Los Angeles who was born with no legs and is happily married. There is a lid for every pot. But that doesn’t mean that you have to be the lid, Carol.
"It was fair of me not to date a former drug addict I met online. I was right to have concerns about my wife when she was $40,000 in debt. When you’re merging lives, you have to take everything into consideration and make an informed decision before tying the knot. We can parse and say that it’s not someone’s “fault” for being depressed or having an autistic child. But it doesn’t really change the gravity of the situation for the person who is taking on a loving person’s challenging situation.
"God bless the people who take on those challenges, but not everyone is cut out for the tough stuff. Don’t beat yourself up if you decide that, no matter how much you love this man, this isn’t the life you want."
(And yes, he's fair to both sexes that way. See what he says earlier on in that column.)
As one commentator said elsewhere: "This is like seeing a unicorn! The columnist points out that being involved with a man with a (special needs kid) may wind up being too stressful and expensive, and she should feel no guilt for staying away from the situation."
lenona
at January 14, 2017 8:28 AM
Re Lenona's link - my advice would be:
"No, you're not selfish for not wanting to date someone with a special needs child. Or any child, for that matter. You're not selfish for not wanting to date anyone for any reason you like. And you don't need the approval or reassurance of strangers. Just do it. Best - Kevin"
Kevin
at January 14, 2017 8:37 AM
Horrors! A child drank liquid nicotine and Something Must Be Done!
(Reality: Mom thought it was smart to store the liquid nicotine in "an empty children's ibuprofen bottle," and Dad gave the kid a nearly fatal dose. A case of Idiot Parenting. Still:
“We remain deeply concerned about the risks of unintentional ingestion of liquid nicotine by children,” Quinlan said, arguing regulations are still too lax.
Kevin
at January 14, 2017 9:36 AM
lenona's "This question is: "Am I Selfish For Not Wanting to Date a Man with a Special-Needs Child?" (The child is autistic and will likely never be independent.)".
Curious about why lenona brought it up in this way (child not person has disabilities).
Both situations are tough questions only in an empathetic way (IMO) compared to other major life situations (distance, religion, age, sex, lifestyle (ant vs. grasshopper), kids in general and so on) that require the willingness to sacrifice one's goals for another's.
The only correct advice is that if you have to ask a columnist it's not for you. Like jumping out of a plane, once you made your move there is no going back. Move on and put him/them behind you. If it's your path you will come back to it.
(FYI, I was the parent of a special needs child. We were advised to place her in an institution for the year she was expected to live. We did not. She lived 21 years - 8 w/us and the remainder in an institution. It was not pleasant but she was a special child. Many others have been dealt a much worse hand. That's life.)
Bob in Texas
at January 14, 2017 12:58 PM
This question is: "Am I Selfish For Not Wanting to Date a Man with a Special-Needs Child?"
The answer is YES
But dont worry, everyone is selfshish and everyone does everything because they want to for selfish reasons
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers
at January 14, 2017 1:40 PM
I stumbled on it.
As the commentator said in effect, Katz's sympathetic response toward the LW is not the most common social attitude, even in this century, so it's worth pointing it out when it happens.
Why isn't it common? Because many people still can't grasp that when it comes to people (but especially parents) who need more help and support than others, there's a significant difference between saying that they have a right to expect short-term support from individuals and even long-term help from society, and saying that they're entitled to LONG-term help from INDIVIDUALS who did not sign up for the job - or that individuals who do not want long-term, unpaid work are somehow selfish. We may feel sorry for fathers or mothers in serious need, even to the point of giving them money, but there's still no moral reason to MARRY them if we don't want to (and are not already related to the kids, of course).
Here are Katz's first paragraphs, if anyone likes:
"Thanks for asking such an honest and challenging question, Carol.
"One of the things I’ve learned over thirteen years of giving advice is this: if I ever dare suggest that someone is entitled to not want to date you, I am perceived as an insensitive a------.
"If I tell a woman that it’s okay for her not to marry the penniless, 46-year-old, always-between-jobs Peter Pan guy, then those guys will feel I’m denying their basic humanity, when, in fact, all I’m doing is letting the woman know that there are plenty of other fish in the sea that she will not have to financially support.
"I caught a lot of flak for this post, in which I empathized with a woman who suffers from debilitating depression, but let her know that men were perfectly entitled to choose a healthy, normally functioning partner instead.
"In other words, I’m a realist, not a moralist..."
Oh, and by the way, here's a somewhat flawed but similar Miss Manners column. On the one hand, I understood where MM was coming from, but I also thought it was obvious that what the LW was really asking was "how do I let men know that since I've always WORKED hard to keep my problems, financial or otherwise, out of other people's lives, it's only fair that I expect them to clean up their lives BEFORE they start dating me?"
Amusement.
Crid at January 14, 2017 4:20 AM
Meaniepants!
Amy Alkon at January 14, 2017 7:25 AM
I think I've seen Evan Marc Katz's column before...
This question is: "Am I Selfish For Not Wanting to Date a Man with a Special-Needs Child?" (The child is autistic and will likely never be independent.)
http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/dating-tips-advice/am-i-selfish-for-not-wanting-to-date-a-man-with-a-special-needs-child/
Last paragraphs:
"Listen, my wife has a cousin who is wheelchair-bound with MS and has a supportive partner. I got an email from a reader the other day who found a great guy although she’s blind. I helped another client fall in love and have a baby even though she’s paralyzed from the waist down. I have a friend in Los Angeles who was born with no legs and is happily married. There is a lid for every pot. But that doesn’t mean that you have to be the lid, Carol.
"It was fair of me not to date a former drug addict I met online. I was right to have concerns about my wife when she was $40,000 in debt. When you’re merging lives, you have to take everything into consideration and make an informed decision before tying the knot. We can parse and say that it’s not someone’s “fault” for being depressed or having an autistic child. But it doesn’t really change the gravity of the situation for the person who is taking on a loving person’s challenging situation.
"God bless the people who take on those challenges, but not everyone is cut out for the tough stuff. Don’t beat yourself up if you decide that, no matter how much you love this man, this isn’t the life you want."
(And yes, he's fair to both sexes that way. See what he says earlier on in that column.)
As one commentator said elsewhere: "This is like seeing a unicorn! The columnist points out that being involved with a man with a (special needs kid) may wind up being too stressful and expensive, and she should feel no guilt for staying away from the situation."
lenona at January 14, 2017 8:28 AM
Re Lenona's link - my advice would be:
"No, you're not selfish for not wanting to date someone with a special needs child. Or any child, for that matter. You're not selfish for not wanting to date anyone for any reason you like. And you don't need the approval or reassurance of strangers. Just do it. Best - Kevin"
Kevin at January 14, 2017 8:37 AM
Horrors! A child drank liquid nicotine and Something Must Be Done!
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/to-your-health/wp/2017/01/14/a-father-confused-liquid-nicotine-for-medicine-and-gave-his-6-year-old-a-toxic-dose/?hpid=hp_hp-more-top-stories_tyh-nicotine-803am%3Ahomepage%2Fstory&utm_term=.825acc744165
(Reality: Mom thought it was smart to store the liquid nicotine in "an empty children's ibuprofen bottle," and Dad gave the kid a nearly fatal dose. A case of Idiot Parenting. Still:
“We remain deeply concerned about the risks of unintentional ingestion of liquid nicotine by children,” Quinlan said, arguing regulations are still too lax.
Kevin at January 14, 2017 9:36 AM
lenona's "This question is: "Am I Selfish For Not Wanting to Date a Man with a Special-Needs Child?" (The child is autistic and will likely never be independent.)".
Curious about why lenona brought it up in this way (child not person has disabilities).
Both situations are tough questions only in an empathetic way (IMO) compared to other major life situations (distance, religion, age, sex, lifestyle (ant vs. grasshopper), kids in general and so on) that require the willingness to sacrifice one's goals for another's.
The only correct advice is that if you have to ask a columnist it's not for you. Like jumping out of a plane, once you made your move there is no going back. Move on and put him/them behind you. If it's your path you will come back to it.
(FYI, I was the parent of a special needs child. We were advised to place her in an institution for the year she was expected to live. We did not. She lived 21 years - 8 w/us and the remainder in an institution. It was not pleasant but she was a special child. Many others have been dealt a much worse hand. That's life.)
Bob in Texas at January 14, 2017 12:58 PM
This question is: "Am I Selfish For Not Wanting to Date a Man with a Special-Needs Child?"
The answer is YES
But dont worry, everyone is selfshish and everyone does everything because they want to for selfish reasons
lujlp at January 14, 2017 1:25 PM
Trust no one.
The goggles do nothing!
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at January 14, 2017 1:40 PM
I stumbled on it.
As the commentator said in effect, Katz's sympathetic response toward the LW is not the most common social attitude, even in this century, so it's worth pointing it out when it happens.
Why isn't it common? Because many people still can't grasp that when it comes to people (but especially parents) who need more help and support than others, there's a significant difference between saying that they have a right to expect short-term support from individuals and even long-term help from society, and saying that they're entitled to LONG-term help from INDIVIDUALS who did not sign up for the job - or that individuals who do not want long-term, unpaid work are somehow selfish. We may feel sorry for fathers or mothers in serious need, even to the point of giving them money, but there's still no moral reason to MARRY them if we don't want to (and are not already related to the kids, of course).
Here are Katz's first paragraphs, if anyone likes:
"Thanks for asking such an honest and challenging question, Carol.
"One of the things I’ve learned over thirteen years of giving advice is this: if I ever dare suggest that someone is entitled to not want to date you, I am perceived as an insensitive a------.
"If I tell a woman that it’s okay for her not to marry the penniless, 46-year-old, always-between-jobs Peter Pan guy, then those guys will feel I’m denying their basic humanity, when, in fact, all I’m doing is letting the woman know that there are plenty of other fish in the sea that she will not have to financially support.
"I caught a lot of flak for this post, in which I empathized with a woman who suffers from debilitating depression, but let her know that men were perfectly entitled to choose a healthy, normally functioning partner instead.
"In other words, I’m a realist, not a moralist..."
Oh, and by the way, here's a somewhat flawed but similar Miss Manners column. On the one hand, I understood where MM was coming from, but I also thought it was obvious that what the LW was really asking was "how do I let men know that since I've always WORKED hard to keep my problems, financial or otherwise, out of other people's lives, it's only fair that I expect them to clean up their lives BEFORE they start dating me?"
https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/miss-manners-personal-contacts-beat-internet-for-dating-prospects/2012/03/27/gIQA2lPL2S_story.html?utm_term=.f71df32ce0d2
lenona at January 15, 2017 12:57 PM
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