Timid People Do Lots Of Things "To Be Polite" -- Which Sounds Better Than The Reality
The real goal isn't to be polite; it's to avoid conflict and the uncomfortable feelings that come with speaking up for oneself.
There's an answer for this -- in book form: My upcoming science-based book, Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence.
I lay out how to stop your feelings from being the boss of you -- how to do what you should out of self-respect (even if you haven't quite mustered that) rather than giving in to your fears.
There's what's going on in article from Metro/UK -- with the title getting it wrong from word one, "Women are having sex out of politeness and that's got to stop." Rebecca Reid writes in the piece:
In my late teens I went over for supper with a middle aged couple I didn't know well.She made a curry.
It was far, far too spicy for me (I have the palate of a Caucasian five year old). Every bite I took hurt my mouth more, but I didn't want to be rude. So I didn't say anything. And I ate it. She probably had yogurt in the fridge. I could have just eaten the rice. There were easy fixes on this issue, but I still didn't say anything. Because I didn't want to be rude.
After the curry we went upstairs and had a threesome, also because I didn't want to be rude.
I didn't fancy her, I really didn't fancy her husband. But they'd been so nice to me, and I had sort of half known that it might happen. The idea of having a threesome had seemed like a good one. Fun. Exciting.
Less so once it became a reality, though. Which was how I found myself lying on their bed, my eyes very tightly shut, trying to focus on the sensations that weren't unpleasant and reminding myself that this, like all things, would end.
Many of us aren't psychological or social geniuses in our late teens. I certainly wasn't one. But to change -- to grow a pair -- it helps to not attribute the reason for your selling yourself out to being "polite."
Even worse is what this woman's doing: Putting the onus on men to...I dunno...use telepathy to figure out what a woman wants. Reid has this little tippiepoo for men at the end of her piece:
So when you're looking for consent, really look for it. Don't take a woman not saying no as a confirmation that she wants to have sex. Make sure that she knows she's got an option - that the option is really genuinely open to her. That way you know that the person you're in bed with really, genuinely wants to be there.
@Karol (NY Post columnist Karol Markowicz), from whom I found the link, makes a great point:
I have literally never once had sex to be nice and we are heading in a dangerous direction if men are supposed to read women's minds to know if they really, really want it. https://t.co/3FlLQfpBIU
— Karol Markowicz (@karol) December 17, 2017
There was yet another one of these "men must be mind readers!" pieces in The New York Times. This one was by Jessica Bennett, and she writes:
For years, my female friends and I have spoken, with knowing nods, about a sexual interaction we call "the place of no return." It is a kind of sexual nuance that most women instinctively understand: the situation you thought you wanted, or maybe you actually never wanted, but somehow here you are and it's happening and you desperately want out, but you know that at this point exiting the situation would be more difficult than simply lying there and waiting for it to be over. In other words: saying yes when we really mean no.
What would these women do if someone said, "Here, I have a shovelful of hot coals. I'll just dump some of them on your arm?" Do they sit there mutely -- or do they slowly extend their arm so they can be human pot roast?
Oh, and by the way, if you can't handle casual sex -- including handling saying no or "uh, think we're done here" -- wait till you're in a committed relationship to have sex. (Do I really need to make this point to adult women?)
Once again, I'm with @karol on this:
Is this real life? Men are now supposed to discern whether the woman is a doormat who never says no to anything and then say no for her? And this is...empowering for women somehow? pic.twitter.com/mHx70GHVPX
— Karol Markowicz (@karol) December 18, 2017
What's with so many women that they seem to be in a fragility Olympics -- some kind of crazy race to prove that they are weak, timid, and unable to function without a minder looking out for them?
What's next -- having the vote is too psychologically burdensome?
Under this theory would not this also mean every odd job and favor women ask of men is in fact slavery?
What guy really wants a house with a lawn he has to cut that he never has time to enjoy lying on anyway? What guy want to risk a subdural hematoma and broken bones on a ladder putting up christmas light his his wife can brag about "her" decorations?
How often do men say yes to unpaid labor because it is simpler than saying no?
lujlp at December 18, 2017 10:19 PM
If you believe that a woman has sovereignty over her own body, then it is her obligation to say “No thank you” when she doesn’t want to do something (whether mundane or intimate). The same is true for men. Choosing one’s personal boundaries and enforcing them is an obligation of adulthood.
Wfjag at December 19, 2017 12:20 AM
Holy Hannah, people are dumb as rocks.
Could we try any harder to be victims?
Suzanne Lucas at December 19, 2017 12:54 AM
Hah -- exactly, Suzanne.
Amy Alkon at December 19, 2017 5:33 AM
Having a threesome because it was the polite thing to do sounds like Monty Python.
Ben at December 19, 2017 6:00 AM
It's weird how so much of feminism and (non-stem) academe appears to be doubling down on the timidity and incuriousity just as the entirety of human culture is demanding more competition, more stoicism, more discipline and more humility.
A lot of people's feelings are about to get hurt.
Dog-walk time, otherwise I'd post that article by @eiaine.
Crid at December 19, 2017 6:02 AM
Under this theory would not this also mean every odd job and favor women ask of men is in fact slavery?
Don't be absurd! It's completely different when they do it!
dee nile at December 19, 2017 6:02 AM
"In other words: saying yes when we really mean no."
There you go. This is postmodern feminism -- or should I say, postmodern Puritanism, since they are now the same thing -- in a nutshell.
Cousin Dave at December 19, 2017 6:34 AM
“I lay out how to stop your feelings from being the boss of you -- how to do what you should out of self-respect (even if you haven't quite mustered that) rather than giving in to your fears.”
Organized religions such as Buddism and Christianity have been working hard at this for at least the last several thousand years.
They haven't had much success fighting a million years of human evolution where *going along * and *getting along* in perilous situations was what kept you and your children alive long enough to pass on your genes.
This has always been particularly true for women.
The human race has always been pretty neatly divided into sheep and wolves, and in the long run, the sheep have done somewhat better.
One tip. If you want to make a larger precentage of good decisions, and maintain your self respect, leave alcohol and other social drugs out of the equation.
Every bad decision I have ever made about men, was under the influence of a couple of drinks.
Isab at December 19, 2017 6:39 AM
"It is a kind of sexual nuance that most women instinctively understand:..."
Really? What a bunch horseshit. Women are as confused and misguided as anyone. Rather than admit that she'd rather cloak it all in "mystery", close ranks with the sisterhood and claim the sexual/moral high ground for woman-kind.
I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ!! ...never mind the little man behind the curtain...
bkmale at December 19, 2017 6:44 AM
I'd like to meet these girl's (because emotionally she still is) parents and let them know how much they messed her up.
This just screams the end result of constant emotional blackmail.
Sixclaws at December 19, 2017 7:16 AM
I think you're wrong about the Christmas lights Luj. There is a flickering LED ember of masculinity that is stoked and kept alive by mass quantities of C9s. The quest to have one's house be visible from space is so comically stupid it could only be a male pursuit.
And lawn care is pure male intra-sexual competition. I don't give a snot about laying on the lawn, I put in that time to have bluer-bluegrass than Dwayne across the street.
smurfy at December 19, 2017 9:38 AM
Having a threesome because it was the polite thing to do sounds like Monty Python.
__________________________________________
Exactly. I smell a hoax - or at least a satire. Especially given that she SAID she was a teen at the time and they were middle-aged!
lenona at December 19, 2017 9:39 AM
They haven't had much success fighting a million years of human evolution where *going along * and *getting along* in perilous situations was what kept you and your children alive long enough to pass on your genes.
-Isab
And therein lies the rub. Or, as I think of it, the “brain override.” I’m not a pushover. Due to my career and hobbies (I’m a grappler), I am known to take a more aggressive approach than most in social situations. I am “no longer welcome” around more than a few family and groups of people. But there have been a handful of situations in my life where my brain has just gone full-sheep. Not even fully dangerous situations (although potentially dangerous and certainly creepy/uncomfortable). Five minutes before, I could have told you how a woman “should have” reacted. Five minutes after the haze dissipated, I could have told you how I “should have reacted.” Or wished I’d reacted. And, other times, brain-override doesn’t take over, and I tell the guy point-blank he’s weirding me out and leave. It’s weird.
Do I blame the men in these handful of situations where I played along to delicately extricate myself without creating waves when uncomfortable with their behavior? No. But I try not to use terms like ”doormat” to describe women’s brain-override reactions. Or judge them as push-overs in general who need to grow a backbone.
sofar at December 19, 2017 10:17 AM
Nice, Sofar.
Freezing up can very easily happen when it's the FIRST time one is attacked by a stranger in public, or attacked by a trusted neighbor or friend. Or, of course, when one is young and socially powerless and attacked by someone with a lot more status.
I couldn't believe it when, regarding the Chad Camp groping case on American Airlines last year, some anonymous people argued, in effect, that it was wimpy and stupid for a 13-year-old girl not to fight back against a drunken 26-year-old - or at least scream. How could she be sure he wouldn't seriously injure her if he did? For all she knew, he could have managed to smuggle a knife on board. Not to mention that if she hadn't stayed silent long enough for a flight attendant to SEE what was going on - and her tears - it would have been strictly "he said/she said."
I found a good comment at the WaPo:
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2016/06/24/sleeping-teen-girl-groped-kissed-by-drunk-man-on-flight-to-anchorage-police-say-flight-diverted/?utm_term=.85db5e45427b
MsEithne: "...Freezing up is a normal human reaction and for about 40% of all humans, it is their first reaction to any unexpected attack. That does not mean that it is inevitable because the right sort of training and practise can alter the freeze response. It can't be altered by just telling a human not to, though, it involves actual training.
"Militaries have known this for centuries (at least 2200 years it was mentioned in one of the first military manuals found) and a lot of basic training consists of training the recruits not to freeze up.
"Let me give you a little hint: the military doesn't do this training by simply telling the recruits 'don't freeze up.' They do it by conditioning the trainees to move under stress practically from minute one. That's what all that screaming by Drill Instructors is about. That's why recruits are required to scream back their allowed responses. That's why DIs do the so-called '3D a$$ chewing' where they put a DI on either side of a trainee and one directly in front, all screaming at top volume directly into the trainee's ears or face while the recruit is forced to perform some action.
"Most parents don't do this because they do not know about it; even a lot of ex-military personnel don't realise it..."
Bottom line: even teaching adult males to scream or fight is NOT as easy as you might think. Never mind middle-schoolers, for crying out loud!
lenona at December 19, 2017 10:54 AM
Nice trick, Lenona, switching the discussion from adult women to a child, and implying that this is a distinction without a difference.
If adult women are so likely just to "freeze up", then why in hell are we inviting them into combat arms and law enforcement -- much less letting them out of the house without a chaperone?
The more women want to have it both ways at the same time, the lower my opinion of them goes. Respect? Sorry, but no. Affection? That's getting tougher and tougher.
Jay R at December 19, 2017 11:05 AM
Oh, and by the way, if you can't handle casual sex -- including handling saying no or "uh, think we're done here" -- wait till you're in a committed relationship to have sex. (Do I really need to make this point to adult women?)
I agree heartily. In fact, promiscuous men and women alike should stop all the bed-hopping and start embracing the C-word (no, not the nasty one, but the other one).
mpetrie98 at December 19, 2017 11:27 AM
> start embracing the C-word (no, not the nasty one,
> but the other one).
Canadians?!
Snoopy at December 19, 2017 12:08 PM
Close, Snoopy. I was talking about That-Which-Shall-Not-Be-Spoken-Among-Most-Men, otherwise known as Commitment.
mpetrie98 at December 19, 2017 1:48 PM
After the curry we went upstairs and had a threesome, also because I didn't want to be rude.
"Dear Miss Manners ... "
Kevin at December 19, 2017 3:31 PM
You really really really should know someone pretty well before bumping uglies. If you are in bed with someone who you realize might hurt you if you say stop, then you have exercised really poor judgement and have no one to blame but yourself. There is a reason there used to be a thing called courtship, especially back when a single mistake could lead to pregnancy (with no way out) and ruin your life. While today you can get an abortion, many women find that when faced with it they can't do it and end up with a child. Even today you can get an incurable STD that can even kill you from sex (Hep C, cervical cancer, etc).
And why might you want to stop? Why might you be uncertain? Because it is casual sex and you are probably not in love. Be in love first.
cc at December 19, 2017 3:34 PM
Jay R, I simply wanted to point out that when it comes to fighting back, some people don't bother to think about the individual situation.
(Thankfully, people no longer act as though women or children should PREFER to fight to the death, as in the case of the 11-year-old murder victim Maria Goretti, who was canonized in 1950 - but regardless of one's age, you'd likely be stupid to FIGHT someone twice your size who probably isn't trying to kill you. Or, for that matter, when you're outnumbered by men who you thought were nice but who happen to be blocking the door.)
I just found it shocking that people couldn't realize, in 2016, that freezing up when attacked by a stranger is pretty normal, if you've only had minimal amateur coaching from parents.
And if it's normal for men to freeze up in potentially lethal situations, why wouldn't women? That's all.
(Regarding what I quoted, why didn't YOU say "If adult MEN are so likely just to 'freeze up', then why in hell are we inviting them into combat arms and law enforcement -- much less letting them out of the house without a chaperone?")
lenona at December 19, 2017 3:48 PM
Every bite I took hurt my mouth more, but I didn't want to be rude. So I didn't say anything. And I ate it.
After the curry we went upstairs and had a threesome, also because I didn't want to be rude.
After having the threesome, we went downstairs and had what they called "a great bottle of wine" but which was really cod liver oil but I didn't say anything because I didn't want to be rude.
Then, after the "wine", we went back upstairs and had a sixsome with their Lhasa Apso, their Vietnamese pot-bellied pig and their alpaca, because I didn't want to be rude.
After that, we drove to the Comfort Acres nursing home, running wildly through the halls and tipping over seniors in wheelchairs, but I didn't say anything because I didn't want to be rude.
JD at December 19, 2017 8:51 PM
JD is my new Internet hero.
Crid at December 20, 2017 4:32 PM
Maybe some sort of widespread assertiveness training is in order.
NicoleK at December 21, 2017 6:49 AM
Westward the Women:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0044205/?ref_=nv_sr_1
"I'll Make Men of Them Before I'm Through."
bkoganbing11 December 2005
"John McIntire approaches wagonmaster Robert Taylor with an interesting job and challenge. He wants to bring brides west to the settlement he's founded in the southwest United States. Taylor hires on a bunch of hands to escort the women and issues a no fraternization policy. When one of them tries to rape one of them, he shoots him out of hand. It's the unsettled frontier and as wagonmaster he's the law on that train as much as a captain on a ship at sea. Of course the hands mutiny and strand Taylor, McIntire, cook Henry Nakamura and the women.
This was a perfect western film for the post Rosie the Riveter generation. No reason at all why women couldn't deal with the rigors of a wagon train. Of course it helped to have the formidable Hope Emerson along.
Of course men and women will be men and women and Taylor breaks his own no fraternization policy with Denise Darcel. Of course this is away from the train when Darcel runs off.
William Wellman delivers us a no frills unsentimental western with gritty performances by Robert Taylor and the rest of the cast. In a bow to his colleague John Ford, Wellman does have a courtship dance at the settlement. I liked the use of the fiddle music playing Believe Me With All Those Endearing Young Charms and Drink to Me Only With Thine Eyes. Ford couldn't have staged it better.
Henry Nakamura had made a big hit in MGM's Go For Broke about the Nisei division in Italy. He was a funny little guy, I'm not sure he was even five feet tall. I loved the scene when he and Taylor find a stash of buried liquor and proceed on a toot. This was his last film though, roles for oriental players were hard to come by. I wonder whatever happened to him.
If you like traditional cowboy films, this one ain't for you, but given the constraints of 19th century society for the role of woman Westward the Women is quite a revelation."
Jay J. Hector at December 23, 2017 11:25 PM
Paradise by the Dashboard Light perhaps? A cautionary tale if ever I've heard one.
"Stop right there! I've gotta know right now!"
"And now I'm praying for the end of time, to hurry up and arrive"
Ltw at December 24, 2017 4:42 AM
Leave a comment