Pronoun Authoritarianism
This screenshot in the tweet below is a page from a dear friend of mine's new book. He's Scott Barry Kaufman,and he tries very hard to be kind and to be a force for good.
The book is Transcend: The New Science of Self-Actualization. In it, he writes, "I tackle common human themes such as security, connection, love, exploration, purpose, and peak experiences."
Here's an exchange he had with another social psychologist, Eli Finkel. (I've referenced both Scott's work and Finkel's in my column.) This post isn't about what Scott says but about the taken-for-granted assumptions about one's "pronouns."
By the way, if you ask me to call you by a certain name or speak to you using a certain pronoun, I will. It's the kind and respectful thing to do.
I'll do you one better. Let me know if you think it's fair. I put a lot of thought into it, perhaps too much thought. pic.twitter.com/hs90SP7nbw
— Scott Barry Kaufman (SBK) (@sbkaufman) March 24, 2020
Personally, I'm disturbed by the whole notion that we "include" people through calling them the right pronoun, which requires all this "homework" about a person before you say one word to them.
This new requirement for doing this seems to be a sort of religion that allows people to have power over others -- to push them around and deem them thought and speech criminals, even if they simply forget to use somebody's requested "pronoun."
This also seems to be a way for people to feel special without earning it -- to require people to find out all sorts of information about them, on penalty of being accused of a thought or speech crime and then cancelled.
It seems outrageous to me that some stranger would be required to prep for conversation by investigating my history -- that my family are Eastern European Jews, that old friends call me "Flamey" or "Flame-o," that I eat keto, that I blah, blah, blah, blah, blah -- and that they would be seen as disrespectful and even bigoted for failing to find out all the ways I'm (heh) unique and special.
But that's what we're requiring people to do with this notion that we have to ask "what is your preferred pronoun?"
And again, this is done now with threats embedded -- with the threat that you will lose your job and be deemed a bigot if you don't make this "What's your pronoun?" business a priority.
Oh, and I will be very clear on this again: If you want me to call you "zhe" or "they" or "lemon pie with a slight dusting of confectioner's sugar on top," I will do my best to remember that and do it, because it's kind.
But I think the considerations above are important, and I think it's too easy to just accept the demand to ask people for their "pronouns" as a requirement for being considered decent -- with the possible penalty of losing everything as the penalty for failing in some way, even by forgetting.
In general - not just related to this topic in particular - I have come to believe after many years and much writing, that pronouns are inherently evil. Pronouns, while often convenient to use, also often cause much confusion.
And for this particular topic, pronouns can cause much anguish and hand-wringing, both for some readers and for some writers.
So I recommend using only nouns and names - skip the pronouns. And I recognize that doing so does take work to make a new habit.
I hope that I have not used any pronouns in this message, but pronouns are sneaky little devils, and I may have missed one or two.
Bob at March 25, 2020 10:54 PM
And again, this is done now with threats embedded -- with the threat that you will lose your job and be deemed a bigot if you don't make this "What's your pronoun?" business a priority.
Perhaps "preferred" anything — pronouns, potato chips, whathaveyou — is a preference one should share with one's intimates, and not just any Sal or Susie on the street or on the Internet.
Unless we're well acquainted, I don't expect you to know my "pronouns," thoughts on religion, preferences on steak, tastes in music or feelings on a thousand other subjects.
I have no idea why "pronouns" should be any different. If you're Sal now living as Susie, it may grate on your ear to hear "sir" instead of "ma'am," but that's not the business of the world at large. Nor should it be. Your friends and family might be expected to call you "she" instead of "he," but a passing stranger?
If it disturbs you to the point you feel personally pained, that is once again not my business, but something you need to take up with a counselor. And your mutual goal should be to GET OVER IT rather than to have your hand patted.
Kevin at March 25, 2020 11:56 PM
When a transgender kid at work tells me what their pronouns are I thank them for letting me know and tell them my pronouns are thee, thou, thy and thine.
Ken R at March 26, 2020 3:04 AM
@Amy: This new requirement for doing this seems to be a sort of religion that allows people to have power over others -- to push them around and deem them thought and speech criminals, even if they simply forget to use somebody's requested "pronoun."
Happened to Kiddo at college. During some discussion or other, she failed to use transgendered student's preferred pronoun, for which she immediately apologized. The rest of the students, smelling blood in the water, were all prepared to pounce in righteous indignation. However, the transgendered student accepted her apology with grace and nothing came of it.
Kiddo told me she wondered for some time afterward if her mistake made her a terrible person. I told her no.
Old RPM Daddy (OldRPMDaddy@GMail.com) at March 26, 2020 5:31 AM
One more time:
Over France, Captain Charles Yeager found his P-51 coming apart due to the attention paid to it by the 20mm cannon of a Luftwaffe FW-109. He didn't bail out - he was ejected from the scrapmetal by explosions.
Falling to earth, he waited until the last moment before opening his parachute, just in case his enemy was hunting pilots, not airplanes. He landed with minor injuries, and set about not being captured and returning to Allied territory.
So. You're worried about pronouns?
I suggest you have nothing to DO.
Radwaste at March 26, 2020 6:10 AM
Ahhh...hell to the no as far as boutique gender pronouns. Being kind and considerate is a deeply-held personal standard, and so I have always accepted that because to some people it is of vital importance that they identify as male or female despite their biological sex. We see it throughout history. We see that people who feel this way are in pain. I would never make fun of them or refuse to treat them as their preferred sex. So of course when Sarah at the office became Sean, I immediately re-named him in my mind and took extra care to use "he/him." What has never existed, though, until 5 minutes ago, was any concept or real-life example that there is a group of people for whom it is of vital importance that others refer to them as "zir" or "ou." No one was throwing themselves off bridges because, although they socially and physically present as a woman, someone referred to to them as "her" instead of "viz." These boutique pronouns constitute a pure power move. It's bullying. And it's an example of the opposite of kindness and consideration to others when it becomes mandatory.
RigelDog at March 26, 2020 6:54 AM
Remember, if someone asks about your preferred pronouns, they are lord and master.
I R A Darth Aggie at March 26, 2020 7:19 AM
I love gays, I love transsexuals. Amy's eagerness to be courteous with pronouns is admirable.
But I despise casual acquaintances who force me to deal with their quotidian interior dramas, sexual or otherwise.
People who push too hard are being intrusive, and I probably don't love them enough to help. This will not be a good century for people who, right out of the box, start making exotic demands of strangers. Being statistically unusual in mundane ways will not allow you to burden others. We all have our own chores, and they're becoming more important.
Amy's courtesy should work to her benefit as well, not just yours.
Crid at March 26, 2020 9:05 AM
If someone wants to change their name, I will use that name. I will not indulge their attempt to alter reality, however. Pronouns are not necessary. So, if Mary wants to change her name to Martin, she will remain a "she" and "her", but I will use the new name: Martin, Martin's, etc., and avoid personal pronouns completely. Awkward, perhaps, but too bad.
Jay R at March 26, 2020 12:55 PM
This is a mess on multiple levels. "Sir" and "madam" or "ma'am" are not pronouns but titles like "governor" (also gender neutral). Pronouns are he, she, they (gender not specified or a mixed group) and it. That is all of them. You mostly don't use pronouns when the person is present but when they are absent.
The idea that we can learn and use exotic pronouns (that are allowed to change daily) for any but our closest friends is lunacy. We lack adequate information. If you just meet someone you may not even know that they are trans, you might think it is just a very butch woman. Since you almost never meet a trans person, are we to go around asking every person we meet about pronouns? Please. crazy town.
Craig Loehle at March 26, 2020 1:37 PM
Unless one is intentionally causing offense then offense should not be taken.
And, if offense is intended, I'll consider the source and figure that you (thou?) aren't worth the hassle.
Finally, there is this. If you call me something other than a pronoun (hey! sh&thead!) I won't take offense as much as I will take my tail out of there.
charles at March 26, 2020 3:35 PM
Hateful transphobic cisgendered white boomers will never understand the wisdom of a genderfluid 14 year old who hasn't had sex yet.
You bastards!
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at March 26, 2020 3:36 PM
It does, especially since it is something the young can force the old to do, the child can force the parent to do, the student can force the teacher, etc. It reverses the power dynamic.
Conan the Grammarian at March 26, 2020 4:13 PM
I'll use they as a gender neutral catch-all.
I'm happy to use whatever names people want, and pronouns of the opposite sex.
What I can't give them, though, and what they really want, is the belief that they actually ARE the opposite sex.
NicoleK at March 27, 2020 7:38 AM
"By the way, if you ask me to call you by a certain name or speak to you using a certain pronoun, I will. It's the kind and respectful thing to do." I am not sure I agree. I might make the requested accommodation as well, but not necessarily because I believe kindness or respect requires it. Frankly, I think it is problematic for one person to attempt to force the rest of the world to depart from standard linguistic conventions to accommodate the requester's idiosyncratic needs and desires (and I do not intend the term idiosyncratic to taken in a pejorative sense). If the rest of the world has a duty to consider the feelings of the requester (and it surely does, within reasonable limits), then surely the requester has a reciprocal duty to the rest of the world. And I am not sure that demanding that people use language in a novel or non-standard way is reasonable. I'm neither a neurologist nor a linguist, but I do suspect that there is some link between the architecture of our brains and the manner in which we employ our native language, so it might actually be difficult, in some sense or other, for people to just flip and refer to people by pronouns other than those apply in ordinary usage.
RiverRaisin at April 2, 2020 10:47 AM
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