Better Loving Through Chemistry
I'm a 30-year-old woman who started seeing a guy in his early 40s a month ago. He's very healthy and confident, and seems pretty balanced. We get together about once a week, on weekends, and he's amazing in bed! He wants sex three to four times in a 12-hour period, and lasts quite a while. I'm loving this, but just once on some days would be fine, too. Also, I'm thinking this is unusual for a guy above 25. Would it be out of line to ask if he's taking Viagra?
--Wondering
Don't look a gift stallion in the mouth. The problem comes if, say, all that wild adult fun starts to seem like having a newborn, with you being awakened every night at 3 a.m. by something pawing for your breast.
For now, if you're enjoying your new pony, why fret about why? Maybe he's got a high sex drive, and his idea of abstinence is going without for three hours. Maybe he's like that right now, on account of this being something new. Maybe he's trying to impress you (okay, he's 40-something, but he can still lead a girl to bed and show her around the circus). On a less sexy note, maybe he's in a feeding frenzy after a long hiatus, or maybe he's doing the squirrel thing and stocking up in case there's a long winter.
As for parsing whether he's naturally extra-perky or pharm-fresh, it's kind of like worrying, "Are you somebody who doesn't have hideous body odor, or are you just wearing deodorant?" You are right that the guy rebounds like a 25-year-old. Dr. Jacob Rajfer, Chief of Urology at Harbor-UCLA Medical Center, explains that the big difference between younger guys and guys in their 40s is a longer "refractory period" -- the penile coffee break they have to take before they can come back up for more (sometimes a day or days for the 40-something penis). Viagra, often mistakenly thought of as a libido booster, actually works on the mechanics of the penis, increasing blood flow to allow for an erection. But, more and more, guys without erectile problems are using it to last longer and to shorten the downtime between playdates.
Rajfer doesn't have a problem prescribing Viagra for these purposes, providing a guy's not taking nitrates -- for cardiovascular problems or as "poppers," a potentially deadly mix -- and his heart's strong enough for him to survive sex. (It isn't the Viagra that kills you, it's the sexathalon.) Of course, with any drug there can be risks, maybe yet-unknown, maybe long-term and serious. In healthy men, however, Rajfer said there are mainly temporary complaints of facial flushing, a headache, maybe a little indigestion, and "some men may see a blue halo." (And then there's the gummy residue from the gold star their girlfriend sticks on their forehead.)
After essentially four dates, it's a little early to start taking the guy's medical history. You could mention that once is sometimes enough for you -- relieving any pressure he might be feeling to keep the Tilt-A-Whirl on overdrive. Meanwhile, take a pill yourself, the chill kind. It takes time and settling in to figure out whether you're compatible -- whether you want what he wants as often as he wants it, or you find yourself longing for the days when you could get off an airplane without three new bruises: one for hot, one for cold, and another for the soap dispenser.
Don't you just love those types of people who consider a good thing to be a problem?
Patrick at October 29, 2008 3:32 AM
Interesting how it's a little early to ask anything about his medical history, but not too early to be having sexathlons with a guy she barely knows. Sounds backwards to me. Whatever happened to getting to know someone before jumping in the sack, especially medical tidbits, such as, perhaps, STDs???
Scrago at October 29, 2008 6:02 AM
As far as rebound time every 3-4 hours when he's getting it once per week it nothing even if your over 25. Like she said he's in great shape "He's very healthy:" so why would he need viagra. The main reasons guys shit goes soft is: blood pressure (long term), alcohol (short term for some guys not all), and nerve damge/vascular problems (usually permanent). The fact that he's over 25 or shit over 50 has little bearing on it, or put simply "it ain't the age it's the millage". If the guy takes care of himself his block and tackle should keep working till he drops dead in the sack. Oh and if he recently quite smoking his libido and stamina will go up, way up.
vlad at October 29, 2008 7:01 AM
Fuck, that's funny. "Pharm-fresh."
Classic Alkon.
Jeff at October 29, 2008 7:58 AM
Right, vlad? My BF is 52 ferpetesakes, and I have to beg off sometimes, he's always ready! He works out at the gym 5 days out of 7, so, no Viagra here, baby! o.O
Flynne at October 29, 2008 9:06 AM
The key missing piece of data from the "the older you get the longer it takes in between" is the simple fact that the older the man gets, the older his partner gets, and thusly becomes less physically desirable.
A true scientific study would include ALL variables.
Old guys with young girls, old guys with old girls, old guys with themselves, young guys with themselves.
The question in my mind, though, is why would a girl be bothered enough to write a letter to an advice columnust about a guy that wants sex too much, AFTER ONE MONTH?
Porno King at October 29, 2008 6:31 PM
My sweetnuts is 40 and works out five days a week. I've never asked about meds and don't care to. I'm very flattered by the frequent boot-knocking...and LW should be, too. It just means he thinks you're smokin'.
I'm not complaining and never will.
Kristen at October 30, 2008 4:59 PM
well i am 49 and am slowing down before my devorice it was 3-5 times a day for 17 years. now with a new much younger wife its 1-3 times and some times we skip a day or two. When your older you are wiser and usually more experenced so you can show the ladies heaven more often. No I am not rich spent to much time in bed to make alot of money
randy scott at October 31, 2008 11:48 PM
Hello from Sydney, Australia!
My 38-year-old lover puts in about four to six hours a day with me at the circus (love that!), seven days a week. He is an all-natural guy and won't even take aspirin. He works out a hell of a lot though, so his big sexy body is raging with endorphins, which nicely fuel his sex drive. The same thing might be happening with Wondering's man. (And I'm wondering why this woman is wondering about a "problem" like this!)
HyperSexualGirl at November 2, 2008 7:17 PM
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