Sex And The Biddy
I'm an attractive, 42-year-old single mom with a 13-year-old son. I've been widowed for three years, and I'm finally ready to date. I've found myself increasingly attracted to this man (actually, I'm yearning to jump his bones), but he's only 32. I sense the attraction may be mutual. The problem is, I'm the queen of mixed signals. If a good-looking guy checks me out in the grocery store, I scurry to another aisle and kick myself later. After this guy went out of his way to call to say he wished our conversation hadn't been interrupted at a party the night before, I told him, "I'm just needy; I'll talk to anyone who'll listen." Please don't tell me to find a man my age. They don't give me the time of day -- except for the ones who creep me out. What I can say or do to let this man know I'm interested without coming off as a desperate older woman?
--Own Worst Enemy
You're right to worry about coming off as a desperate older woman. You probably do sound desperate -- desperate to get rid of the guy: "I'm just needy; I'll talk to anyone who'll listen." Should he call back, maybe add, "You'll do, since the suicide hotline guys started hanging up on me when they realized I don't want to kill myself, just bore them to death."
Your signals to the guy might be mixed, but they're coming through loud and clear to me: You want a relationship; you're just too terrified to have one. You're probably scared of both success and failure: What if Stud Boy likes you? What if he likes you, then leaves you?! And you're sure the grocery store guy, upon closer appraisal, will realize he's made a terrible mistake, so you scurry away like a bug after the lights come on: "Yes, yes, I look like a woman, but I'm really a giant cockroach wearing a lot of Better Separates."
There's something in you that doesn't think all that highly of you -- the part that suspects this guy'll see you as some ridiculous old bag. Wowee, a whole 10-year age difference. (Any excuse'll do!) The truth is, some guys go for older women, often because they're drawn to their self-assurance and sexual confidence. After all, they can get insecure and self-defeating from a hot 20-year-old with breasts that haven't lost all their elastic. Your problem is thinking you determine your hotitude by polling a bunch of other people, not simply by deciding you have hotitude and seeing who notices. (It's called "self-esteem," not "what other people think of me esteem.")
You can't just run to the corner and pick up a little self-acceptance, but you can start working toward it, starting by reading about it in Albert Ellis' A Guide To Rational Living. In the meantime, fake it: Act the part and maybe the part will become part of you. Train by watching some of those hot-older-women-getting-it-on movies (the ones with Susan Sarandon and Rene Russo, not Susie Funbags and Renee Threeway). When you do meet a guy who creeps you out, your old insecure-speak should come in handy. Nothing usually makes a man on the make want to bolt like the words "I'm needy," except maybe for the announcement "I'm off my meds, I've got a loaded gun in my purse, and what a cool coincidence that the back of your shirt looks so much like a bullseye."
Right on, Amy. Self-esteem is the sexiest thing there is.
Little Shiva at October 22, 2008 6:42 AM
This LW is cheesegrater-on-the-eardrums irritating. She just sits there helplessly and complains about all the stupid things she does and says. Well quit doing and saying all those stupid things then! What's Amy supposed to do, wave her magic wand? The gal knows she's acting like a dork, but seems to think she has no control over her own behavior or the words that fly out of her mouth. 'Poor me, I'm such a doofus and just can't help myself.' Whine whine. Yuck.
Pirate Jo at October 22, 2008 8:02 AM
Yeah, desperation ain't pretty, but neither is whinging about it. Another one who needs to grow a backbone where her wishbone is! o_O
Flynne at October 22, 2008 8:12 AM
I agree with Pirate Jo. God lord woman! If you know you're doing stupid shit, then stop it! If you want this guy, then go get him. If you want to avoid the creepy ones, then avoid them. Stop whining about how you're "the queen of mixed signals." Good grief.
Serafina at October 22, 2008 8:18 AM
Being a dork can be attractive if you play it right. First, you have to find a guy who digs a little bit of dork. If you're not whiney about it, it can be endearing.
MonicaP at October 22, 2008 9:14 AM
I agree, be a total dork, but own it! Some people may even perceive it as quirky or unique & will be drawn to it. But don't put down on yourself & be pathetic.
Ddub at October 22, 2008 10:18 AM
Gees, folks, have a heart. LW's husband died, FGS, and she's raising a 13yo boy alone. Those are not easy circumstances for anyone and they don't leave a lot of room for playing "I am Woman" at full volume. At least LW had the good sense to realize she's got a problem and ask for advice.
Amy, you gave her great advice and I hope she follows it. Otherwise, she's gonna have one long dry spell.
JenniferS at October 22, 2008 10:44 AM
I'm 42. My boyfriend is 22. I would never have thought that's what I was looking for, but I fell in love with a person, not a date on a drivers' license. Yes, my friends sometimes tease me, and we don't share all the same cultural references, but he's a wonderful person. Be a wonderful person, and you'll find one. Who may be 20 years younger or 20 years older. Doesn't matter, what matters is being open-minded and relaxed. But not so relaxed that you forget to brush your hair and maybe even put on lipstick before you go to the store.
Anathema at October 22, 2008 11:32 AM
I am 66, married for 10 years to an amazing woman 18 years younger than I. This presents me with a huge incentive to take care of myself and to work as hard as necessary to keep up with her. And I would be pretty sure that would also work the other way around. As has been pointed out, age is a number. How old you are depends on how you feel and how you challenge yourself. Since I absolutely adore my wife, I challenge myself daily to do whatever it takes to make her happy for as long as I possible can.
jonathan at October 22, 2008 11:45 AM
For 8 years on & off I dated a woman who was 9 years older than me. The age difference never bugged me in the least. But evidently it did her. Perhaps when she's 64 and I'm 55 it will no longer bother her.
First people need to be comfortable with who they are. Only then can they allow themselves to be swept up in the romance of another.
Robert W. at October 22, 2008 11:57 AM
She's probably been out of the dating scene for a long time. The LW may want to try some "practice dating" before going after men she really likes. By this, I mean try a dating service like Match.com or Chemistry. She can meet a lot of different people without being emotionally invested in any of them. Go out, have a good time, and polish the social skills she needs for dating. Even if a few dates go badly, there's no real loss. And she might even meet someone she really likes.
MonicaP at October 22, 2008 2:38 PM
I think the LW has internalized all the negative messages from the media, especially the chick flicks, so she feels guilty about dating a young guy. She should stop watching those stupid movies ('Something's Got to Give' especially annoys me-dump gorgeous Keanu Reeves for an ancient Jack Nicholson? Give me a break!)
She should go to the gym, take yoga, get a beauty makeover and definitely do positive affirmations every day. She should also learn how to flirt with confidence.
I've got young guys hitting on me all the time and I'm 49. I know I'm hot, so when they flirt, I don't say 'I'm old enough to be your mother' (my personal pet peeve is this line), I flirt back and confirm what good taste they have. The guy I've been dating for 3 years is 27, and he chases me.
Chrissy at October 22, 2008 4:05 PM
Amy's right, LW. Clearly he's interested. Go for it. Find out if he's one of the good ones, then jump right in. If it doesn't work out in the end you still have bragging rights, and you can move on and find another one.
I'm 48. My last boyfriend was 31. Neither of us cared about the age thing, and we didn't give a rat's ass whether anyone else did.
catspajamas at October 23, 2008 12:28 PM
And to answer your question: if you're not unlikely to run into this guy again any time soon, phone him back. Tell him you're also sorry your conversation was cut short and ask if you can continue it over coffee.
catspajamas at October 23, 2008 12:31 PM
There was one part in particular that really stood out: "Your problem is thinking you determine your hotitude by polling a bunch of other people, not simply by deciding you have hotitude and seeing who notices."
That is a good point for anyone. You don't need a general consensus that you're sexy; you just need one person who thinks so.
My SO isn't most people's idea of a dream. And if you'd asked me 10 years ago, he wouldn't have been my idea of a dream either. But he is now. I don't know anyone that would describe him as a perfect 10. But I would. Hot guys in the media are determined by what most people like, but not everyone. We probably all know someone who will say, "I think Brad Pitt is FUGLY!" And so what if the whole world thinks Brad Pitt is HOT! Bad news, folks. There's only one of him and he's spoken for. So, what use is it in one's love life if the whole world thinks he's "all that"? I don't know or care about how Brad Pitt's love life is, but mine is just fine, and no one would pay a dime to see me in the movies.
Patrick at October 24, 2008 5:48 AM
"The truth is, some guys go for older women, often because they're drawn to their self-assurance and sexual confidence. After all, they can get insecure and self-defeating from a hot 20-year-old with breasts that haven't lost all their elastic."
I was with you until this point, then you slipped into the Cosmo fantasy that men are intimidated by a hard body- ummm, no the attraction to an older women is the self confidence they express, and the sexual confidence and freedom in the bedroom. The 20 something with great breasts is generally self absorbed to cover up a lack of confidence in her personality. The tidbit quoted contradicts your entire point. To the LW, listen to Amy and stop the pattern of behaving like a twenty year old.
Bart at October 27, 2008 12:34 AM
"The truth is, some guys go for older women, often because they're drawn to their self-assurance and sexual confidence. After all, they can get insecure and self-defeating from a hot 20-year-old with breasts that haven't lost all their elastic."
I was with you until this point, then you slipped into the Cosmo fantasy that men are intimidated by a hard body...
No, I think you missed Amy's point here. What she's saying is that a man who wants an insecure and self-defeating girlfriend can get that from a tight-bodied 20-year-old, and that the "older women" need to bring something else to the mix, i.e., self-assurance and confidence.
The Other Lily at October 27, 2008 7:50 AM
... and a tight body-ever hear of Pilates? So an older woman can bring more to the mix.
Chrissy at October 27, 2008 10:19 AM
Yeah -- I wasn't going to get into that part. But I'm 43, and my husband has no complaints. ;-)
The Other Lily at October 27, 2008 12:49 PM
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