Sublets Get It On
I'm a 25-year-old woman who spends an exorbitant amount of hours daydreaming about this 28-year-old guy I met nine months ago. We're both musicians, and both tired of the games men and women play. He tells me I'm an absolute catch, and leans in when we talk in the hall like he's trying to get closer. He has said he's timid with girls he likes, plus I told him, "When I really like a guy, I tell him so." Oops. I later backpedaled, explaining that I wait till the last possible moment. I'm just aching to reveal my feelings, but have only made hints while we've both been drunk, and I don't think they've registered. Oh, yeah, did I mention he's my roommate? What if he isn't interested? What if I lose a tenant and a friend? How can I broach the topic of taking our friendship to the next level without scaring him away?
--Mooning For My Roomie
Just get in bed with the guy and see if he complains. Say something only vaguely explanatory. Like "I saw a bug." Or "I had a bad dream." Or "Whoops! There was a lot of fog in the hallway, and I guess I got lost on the way back from the bathroom."
The worst thing you could do is lay your feelings out like a big, dead carp. Guys normally aren't huge fans of the old "Can we talk about the relationship?" They're particularly icked out by hearing it from a woman they have yet to even feel up. Plus, if you spell out interest that isn't reciprocated -- "I've spent nine months festering with lust for you!" -- there's no taking it back. An unreciprocated move, on the other hand, can be pretended away: You were drunk. You don't know what came over you. Maybe it was the fog!
You say you're tired of "games." (That's funny, because you're playing one, just not an effective one.) When somebody claims they hate "games," they usually mean they hate their situation -- no boyfriend or girlfriend -- but they're too scared and lazy to change it. "Chance rejection? No way!" "Work on my flirting? Um, actually, I'm much more comfortable sitting on my couch waiting for the burning meteorite of love to crash through my roof and land in my lap." Meanwhile, had you made moves on this guy, you could've been in a relationship with him all this time or over him in a few weeks. Instead, you've spent almost a year decoding what it means when he leans toward you in the hall. (Yeah, maybe he likes you -- or maybe he's a bit deaf after years in a rock band.)
You can spend the next nine months following the guy around the apartment with a little curl of drool hanging from your mouth -- or decide it's worth it to you to risk losing a tenant and a friend. Actually, if he is into you, you should lose a tenant, since it's ill-advised to move in together before the first date. As for losing a friend, okay, not super-fun, but surely there are more where this one came from. Finally, let's say he doesn't share your feelings. Maybe you can stay roomies and friends -- if you can accept, without going all weird, that he's never going to ask if you, uh, wanna see his etchings. In fact, like one half of some old married couple, you may eventually become convinced your head will explode if you have to ask him one more time to pick his etchings up off the goddamn living room floor.
He tells you you are quite a catch? That sounds like something a gay guy would say. But maybe not.
NicoleK at October 15, 2008 6:25 AM
Nine months is long time to be pining after this guy. The LW needs to make a move or move on.
Serafina at October 15, 2008 8:17 AM
Tricky situation. I went through this for months (except I had three roomies, all female). The buildup was great: sexual tension, innuendo, brushing into one another, going on non-dates together, teasing, you get the picture.
One morning she just jumped me, and then everything was great -- for awhile. Since the other girls couldn't let their boyfriends move in (with eight you get oxygen deprivation), we had to address the question of where to go next.
It turned out that we were more than ready to do the happy rabbit but not ready to dig a warren together. And that was the end of that.
My vote: jump him, but make sure you've got your exit strategy figured out first.
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at October 15, 2008 8:28 AM
Gog---
Huh?
Anne at October 15, 2008 10:32 AM
Anne -
Wha?
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at October 15, 2008 10:47 AM
If a guy tells a girl that she is quite a catch, it's usually the same as him saying 'you're too good for me', which means he know she's interested and is trying to deflect her interest. If she does come right out and tell him she's into him, one of them will have to move out.
Chrissy at October 15, 2008 11:24 AM
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers wrote:
"It turned out that we were more than ready to do the happy rabbit"
Oh my! too funny... "do the happy rabbit!"
thanks, now I have coffee all over my keyboard!
Chris at October 15, 2008 11:58 AM
maybe he´s telling her he respects her but isn´t attracted himself. she should ask him out on a date but really think thru the roomate deal first, it would be awkward to be dating a roomate and hurt if he had other dates... but they could be friends with privileges this would work well
zapf at October 16, 2008 9:24 AM
Chrissy, maybe that's what I meant by the gay suggestion... in any case, like you, I get a vibe of "he's not into you".
I had a roommate crush once. And he was friendly and sweet and nice, and liked me fine, but not like that. It sucks.
Enjoy your crush for what it is... a crush. Crushes can be fun. Don't make a move, I don't think he's into you.
NicoleK at October 16, 2008 12:57 PM
Accuse me of being a stickler for details but isn't there something odd about these two sentences:
1. "I'm a 25-year-old woman who spends an exorbitant amount of hours daydreaming about this 28-year-old guy I met nine months ago."
2. "Oh, yeah, did I mention he's my roommate?"
Note that #2 was MUCH later on in her letter.
I can't quite place a finger on it, but there's something disingenuous with the way this woman is portraying the situation.
Robert W. at October 16, 2008 1:15 PM
Advice is right on ... she has NOTHING of value to lose. Do the happy rabbit thing and see what happens!
George at October 17, 2008 8:04 PM
I am appalled!"Jump him"? Get into his bed and blame the fog? Whatever happened to the fine art of seduction? The roommate may not be that into her YET, but she could help him along a little bit.
First,she should make sure he starts thinking of her as something other than just a roommate. Leave some insanely sexy lacy lingerie to dry in the bathroom where he will see it. If he is straight, he can't avoid visualizing what she wants him to visualize. She could try calling him when he's out and she's in the apartment - about something perfectly ordinary - when she is taking a bath. Make a little splash, apologize for the noise, and say something like "sorry about that - I was just relaxing in my bubble bath when I remembered I hadn't told you that Bob called for you last night..." Again, if he is even remotely straight, his powers of visualization will kick in at that point.
When he is starting to think of her in a different light, it's time to try great-grandma's classic technique: Late one evening, lead the conversation casually around to divination and palmistry. Mention casually that she can read palms. He will probably be curious and ask her to read his. She can then pretend to read his palm - telling him that happiness awaits him, etc. The point is that she gets to spend a good long time stroking and caressing his palm while tracing the "life line" and "love line". At that point, if there is any interest at all, he will probably show it.
Or not. But it worked for my great-grandma, and I have personally been married to my former roommate for years, so I have some first-hand experience...
Marie at October 17, 2008 8:41 PM
"Do the happy rabbit"? That's a new one for me. I'll have to remember it and use it myself where appropriate.
Incidently, before she "jumps" him, she should be more certain that he's interested. Otherwise she really might lose a tenant and a friend.
rpm at October 18, 2008 9:38 AM
I would think something similar to what Marie said would be a good idea, except that I would suggest a gradual loosening of her "dress code" around him, unless she already regularly traipses around the apartment in her underwear. Occasionally moving about the apartment in a classy bathrobe that's not tied, or perhaps in a camisole that is just long enough to cover the panties... Not all the time, just a couple of times a week. If he says anything negative about it, then forget about him and move on, but if he doesn't, then escalate - make it a negligee, possibly just in the bathroom where she "forgot" to close the door all the way.
Also, the "bad dream" scenario will be more believable if she pulls it when he's still out watching TV or something - then it's not as likely to scare him off if he's lacking confidence. Just sit next to him and ask if he'll put his arm around your shoulders for a while. If he's willing to do that, it's easy to make it a little more intimate.
WayneB at October 20, 2008 11:17 AM
My roommate is a female, and we've been living together for 3 years. Complete opposites in all that we do, I wouldn't trade her for anybody.
We have had "that talk" about being attracted to each other quite a few times, and then ended up laughing about it afterwards. We don't really want to date each other, as we are happy how things are. If we did, we discussed moving out, but we like living with each other so much, that it prevents us from dating each other anyway. After 3 years, I consider her the sister I never had.
But never did I think I had to move out simply because we expressed our feeling towards each other. If anything, friends who communicate openly should be honest with each other. It's a rare thing to see these days, I suppose.
Great advice once again, Amy.
Ian
Ian at October 20, 2008 1:44 PM
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