Reminds me of a date story I heard once. The woman met the guy at a restaurant for coffee. They decide to go somewhere else. They walk to the car, he opens the door for her and she gets in and buckles up. Then sees him drive by in another car! Horrible thing to do to someone yes, but still cracks me up!

The story posted by Jan doesn't even make sense. The guy went to the date (his friend drove one? he took a cab back to get the other?)with two cars and abandoned a stranger in one of them to get away? And he planned to have a second car as an escape plan beforehand? Huh? That is ridiculous.

The LW is taking this personally, as if she did something wrong, and now thinks of herself as a loser magnet.

In my experience, the guys who have nothing to lose and everything to gain are the ones most likely to take the chance and approach you. I get hit on mostly by homeless guys, very mature guys (over 60), and especially married guys, and I'm sure I'm not alone in this. The hot single ones look but they're probably not into rejection, so they don't approach.

The boozehound she met up with was obviously not interested in getting a girlfriend, or even getting laid, so it's not like she is a failure as a woman. He loves alcohol and is monogamous.

Mary -- I think the story is suggesting he let her into a car that didn't belong to him -- just one he noticed with unlocked doors in order to ditch her. Sounds a bit like an urban legend to me, but it would be quite the ditch!

I think the real problem here is that the LW bothered to call him later, and text him. And blames herself for "attracting losers" and "doing something to deserve this one."

In reality, losers happen. They're just there, they exist, you'll encounter them, you discover their true nature, you say "fuck 'em!", and move on. If there were any warning signs of loserdom in your initial communications, we can't know them because we weren't there, and you're not mentioning them because you didn't notice them. But it could also be that there weren't any. Many losers are adept at hiding their problems for a short while, then give up and bail. Maybe this guy just didn't feel chemistry with you, but was hoping to. But while he was in line for the bathroom, he realized you were a dead end for him, so, given that he met you on-line and you presumably don't know anyone in common, he'd be safe to abandon you with no repercussions, no muss, no fuss. The end.

I wonder if this is somewhat common with on-line dating? I have a friend who has had guys bail on her in the middle of dinner, leaving her with the bill.

In short, you shouldn't blame yourself when other people act like assholes. Doing so implies that you have to work on your self-esteem.

I wonder if this is somewhat common with on-line dating? I have a friend who has had guys bail on her in the middle of dinner, leaving her with the bill.

IMO, a guy who would do this at all is perfectly capable of doing it just to get a free dinner. I suspect your friend has been scammed.

I've been on around 150 blind dates, and I've never had a guy stiff me with the bill for dinner. That's probably because I would always meet them for the first time at a coffee shop. If they didn't seem very interested, or vice versa, we could both bail after 20 minutes, which was what I always told them on the phone prior to meeting up.

The trick is to keep the pressure off the guys and make yourself scarce so they don't take advantage of your overt interest.

I've always thought that it would be nice to be able to notify the mothers of people who pull stuff like this. I know that if I ever had a son who behaved like the LW's date, I'd beat him within an inch of his life, even if he's in his 30s.

Sometimes bad guys just happen to good women. There's no shame in it. She should count herself lucky she found out after just the one date.

Personally I'd have gone out to the lot and slashed his f**king tires.

"Sounds a bit like an urban legend to me, but it would be quite the ditch!"

Yes, considering that you'd notice that the other person didn't come around the car to the other side, and the time it would take to go to another car, start it, and drive by.

Tire slashing is actually very difficult to do--not that I know from experience! You have to get through all those layers of reinforced rubber, and if you're not careful whatever sharp implement you're using can ricochet and seriously injure you.

But I digress. The LW can be grateful she found out what a jerk this guy was early on and plan first dates more wisely going forward.

Re: Urban legend date

I'd sure hate to be the guy coming back to the car from picking up the cleaning and see a strange woman buckled in....

Re: Blind date. Yea I learned the hard way, always meet at coffee shops. I got ditched once. No fun.

Amy, while you're advice was spot on (as usual), LW needs some (maybe a big heaping spoonful) of your classic tough love.

She drank four beers, during the course of a baseball game, with a (basically) total stranger on whom she was depending for a way home. Wow, there are major red flags here.

LW, four beers-- unless you're a really big person-- is just too many over the course of just a couple hours.

And why are YOU getting drunk on a first date? Don't you think it makes just a little sense to try and get to know the other person without mind-altering substances? Thank god he left! What if he turned out to be psycho while your abilities are all impaired?

Besides needing to reassess how LW picks/conducts her dates, she needs to assess her drinking habits.

Personally I'd have gone out to the lot and slashed his f**king tires.

Never fuck with a man's ride.

So true! Nothing hurts more than messing with a man's car.

I'm confused - if he was trying to ditch her, why did he call her to tell her he was at the bar across the street? It makes no sense to me either way. But yes, agreed, don't depend on your blind date for a ride home

Man, there has GOT TO BE more to her story. Even if this guy is the stupidest shit on the planet, why would he ditch her at the game and then tell her where to find him???? Nobody I have ever met is that stupid. Maybe, just maybe, she's not as great a catch as you all are giving her credit for. Maybe she made it up just to get some sympathy on Amy's site.

I wonder if he got kicked out and called hoping to meet up at the bar, then was to embarassed to explain. Either way LW can do much better!

The guy left a voicemail from the bar because he thought he might still have a shot at getting laid. By the time she called, he was already chatting up some one else who seemed like a surer thing, I bet.

"Sigh. I'm always attracting losers. What the hell did I do to deserve this one?"

First of all, stop feeling sorry for yourself and start looking at your own patterns of behavior. A better question to start with would be "Why am I attracted to losers?"

Man, there has GOT TO BE more to her story. Even if this guy is the stupidest shit on the planet, why would he ditch her at the game and then tell her where to find him???? Nobody I have ever met is that stupid.

Makes sense to me. There are certain women who are drawn to men who treat them badly. And there are certain men who treat women badly, and don't want to date women for whom such treatment is unacceptable. Leaving that voicemail was a test. If she were the type who liked to be treated badly, then she'd show up at the bar after getting ditched by the guy, and he'd be sure to get "lucky", and know, with no further effort, that they're a good match for at least a little while, and he can feel free to treat her badly for the remainder of the relationship. If she weren't the type who liked to be treated badly, then she just wouldn't show up, and he'd be able to avoid all confrontation and easily slip out of the date. I'm not saying that these actions were conscious on either of their parts. But given that the LW says she keeps attracting losers, I'm guessing there's something in her mannerisms that may give a guy the feeling that she likes to be treated badly. On the other hand, it sounds like she's wising up and is in a transitional phase in which she realizes that she shouldn't be treated badly and is attracting the wrong sort of guy. So he was confused.

From my observation, it's pretty common for manipulative fuckwits to stage some kind of drama or incident early in a relationship, so they can be sure that the date is the right sort of screwed up for them. Like, has anyone met the sort of person who tells a date to do X, but really means they should do Y? So early in the dating relationship, you ask them what you should do, and they say "X! Please do X! No, don't do Y! I won't hear of any talk of doing Y!" So you do X, and then they get really mad and say "How dare you do X! If you really loved me, you'd do Y!" Etc. Etc.

I'm wondering if this is Chicago. I know that I won't know for sure, but it sounds like something that has happened to me. Meet a guy on line, seems great, talk a few times, arrange to meet up in Wrigleyville for a game/drink/concert, halfwayish through, he leaves, ditching you. A little later you get a hold of him and his only responses are that you should have been more selective and you are desperate and he is a bad guy. I didn't let it go and since he didn't have anything else to lose, he admitted he got off on humilliating women. Oh, and he never left. He stayed hiding watching me. Creep.

"Man, there has GOT TO BE more to her story. Even if this guy is the stupidest shit on the planet, why would he ditch her at the game and then tell her where to find him???? Nobody I have ever met is that stupid."

I have. He probably wanted to ditch her and then, so he wouldn't have to feel *too* guilty, left her a voicemail (perhaps using slydial...) with the plan that, if she called him back, he wouldn't answer...and there would always be the possibility that she would assume the bar was "too loud" and he "missed her calls." I've always been fascinated about the fact that people who do shitty, rude things like this don't WANT others to think they're shitty, rude people...so they do odd little things like leave voicemails for the person they just were shitty and rude to so that they can think to themselves, "well...I tried."
Or maybe it was a test like Quizzical said.

The test idea is kind of intriguing.... I wonder if ppl of all different levels of functioning (or dysfunctioning) have subconscious ways to see if their date is on a compatible level of dysfunctionality. Ditching and playing drunken scavenger hunt seems extreme to me though. Lucky for the LW that she got out when she did.

Women want dick, but not a dick. That guy was a fucking dick.

To use Orwell's Doublespeak, stranding a woman is double plus uncool.

I once had an acquaintance who was an alcoholic, and he really did change from a responsible, decent person into an irresponsible shit head in about four beers. Really. Jekyll and Hyde style.

Some people can't control their alcohol intake. What are you gonna' do but dump them?

"Meet a guy on line, seems great, talk a few times, arrange to meet up in Wrigleyville for a game/drink/concert, halfwayish through, he leaves, ditching you."

That's just astounding. Awful.

Ummm yeah, for a guy to ditch you and then hide and watch?? My god, that's beyond fucked up. Call me crazy but I see rapist on the not too distant horizon, isn't that about humiliation too???

I've went to the zoo with a guy I met on line, but I took the metro there and made sure I had my own way of getting home. It's dangerous to get into a car with someone you really don't know and she shouldn't be relying on a guy she doesn't know because she could get into a situation like this or much worse.

She met this guy on the internet..ie; she has no clue who this guy really is to begin with, and he could very possibly have been sizing her up for something extremely dangerous,got too drunk, lost his nerve, and she's lucky enough to tell her story to Amy and to us.

My ex wife keeps telling me I should try to meet someone on the dating sites because "it's exciting and fun!!" But she's 0 for 9 so far on meeting decent guys. Every one of them has treated her like shit. I think I'll find another way to meet women.

I realize this is an old thread, however, i'm new to Advice Goddess & am reading fast to catch up. Had to comment on this one so others can avoid scammers. Not too long ago i set a date to meet an online guy for coffee at a local coffee shop. We had only emailed for a couple of days, but he seemed like a nice guy. I noticed that after we agreed to meet he twice emailed me his cell phone number. I wondered why. We agreed to meet at the coffee shop of my choice, so i gave him the exact address & even crossroads, along with the agreed upon time, & i was there early, waiting for the guy of his description. For the next 30 minutes i waited & he didn't show up, so i drove home. I went online and emailed him with a polite message asking why he didn't show. He emailed back asking for a 2nd chance. He emailed twice more, asking for forgiveness & anoher chance. I said no thanks, & through the entire rest of the day i wondered why he had given me his cell phone number. Late in the day, i think i had it figured out. It is a scam! Had i called him, he would then have my phone number & could then do a reverse look up, get my name & address, then, while i'm waiting for him at the coffee shop, he goes & does a B&E at my place. I'm so glad i didn't fall into the trap he tried to set by calling him when he didn't show up. Some people might call the cell number... DON'T CALL!! It is the same as getting into a stranger's car - don't do "familiar" things with a person you do not know. BTW: the guy disappeared, never to be heard from again. Whew! Anyway, even if he wasn't a scammer, any guy who can't get it right where to meet you on a first "date" even if it is just for coffee isn't worth it. Don't beat yourself up about it, just move on.

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