Been there, done that, this is truly the answer:

"Make your life happy, and women will be more likely to want to join you in it."

Lather, rinse, repeat...

Agreed. It's a market, and you have to make yourself attractive to the people you want to attract. That requires a bit of thought on your part. If you simply emote and radiate your distress like a beacon, you turn people away. They may sympathise, but that's not what you want.

It's not hard to see what women find attractive: confidence, energy, wealth, reasonable looks, and possibly more than anything else, the ability to make them laugh. Develop these characteristics in yourself and find a way to advertise them - online, amateur dramatics, swinging through the trees, whatever. If you do it right you'll be enjoying yourself, and everything else will follow.

Just to add a concrete suggestion: find a hobby you enjoy. Best is if you find one that you can somehow involve your child in, but that needn't be the case.

A hobby makes you happy, gives you something do to other than feeling lonely and - here's the point - gives you a context in which you can meet and get to know women.

Since meeting women is part of the goal, you don't want to join a men's sports club. Better would be something like a dog club, a cooking club, etc. Something that women are also interested in, and where there is likely to be some reasonable turnover in participants.

But don't go into the activity for the women. The point is to do something you like, something you can share with your. Give life a chance to happen all on its own.

...share with your child.

Agree with the statements above. First develop you. Learn to love and appreciate yourself, for your own sake, for your son's sake and after those two, stress after those two, for the sake of a potential future partner. No one can love and appreciate you until you love and appreciate yourself.

Norman especially is right. I can only speak for myself, of course, but nothing gets past a girl's reserve faster than making her laugh or makes a better impression. But I'd qualify it with witty, not tasteless. Be funny without being a clown or a goofball. The best humor is a sincere chuckle at life's ironies. They abound and it's good to laugh at them. Just being a goofball is iritating and will put a girl off; getting her to laugh at something funny about life will make her feel like you at least get it.

One further suggestion, although I agree with bradley's join for the interest not for the woman, mainly because if you go for what you like, then you will meet women you have something in common with, I'll add one that's partly for the mixing. If they have Parents Without Partners in your area, check out a meeting. It's good for meeting and they often have mixers but I suspect you'll also find it good for the support.

Meetup groups can help you find groups that interest you in your area.

Also agree with everyone above... It seems to me that there are plenty of single moms in a suitable age range that are looking for a good, stable relationship. It seems like it would be easy enough to meet someone at a t-ball or soccer game, if he's at least a little friendly and outgoing. He just needs to get himself out there.

I hope he's not wasting too much effort chasing typical early/mid-twenties, childless women. As LW mentioned, most of them aren't interested in becoming a stepmommy. In theory, someone with a child of her own would be a bit more mature, less interested in the party scene, and more receptive to creating a family.

My advice to the LW would be to learn a foreign language and move to a foreign country for a few years.

There must be plenty of job opportunities for foresters in Brazil, Costa Rica, the Philippines, Thailand, Vietnam, etc., etc. And assuming that LW is basically a decent chap, finding a young woman -- an unwed mother, perhaps? -- with traditional values ought to be as easy as rolling off a log (no pun intended).

He still needs to use a little bit of common sense and make sure he doesn't fall for some gold-digger who will dump him as soon as she gets her greencard, but his probability of success will be much greater in a third world country than in the USA.

Hell, John W, why doesn't he just save on the travel expenses and use one of those buy-a-submissive-Filipina-over-the-mail services?

@John W: Yes, the LW should definitely go for someone from the third world, because we're all so pliable, except for the nasty ones who'll just end up using the poor slob for a green card! A little bit of advise from a woman from the "third world": we're human too. We look for the same qualities in men that western women look for, i.e. humor, a good personality, and a caring, loving nature. Just because we were born in countries that are supposedly underprivileged (according to westerner's) doesn't mean we're willing put up with anyone's nonsense!

First, this guy has got to disabuse himself of the notion of the media version of "true love" - it ain't like in the movies! But most of you (except John W, who sounds more than a little creepy) gave really good advice. You've got to be comfortable with and care about yourself, before you can be comfortable with and care about someone else. And since he's a package deal, he's got to make sure his son is just as comfortable, if not more so. And I've also found this to be true: once you stop looking, whatever it is you're looking for, will find YOU. (car keys and money exempted from this rule!) o.O

" ...We look for ... humor, a good personality, and a caring, loving nature...."

That is precisely the point that I was trying to make: A twenty-something woman in a third world country is likely to be mature & responsible, and looking for an equally responsible man that she can settle down and raise a family with.

Whereas a twenty-something woman in the USA is likely to be immature, self-centered, hedonistic, and just looking for fun and good-times -- which is not what this LW needs.

Obviously there will be exceptions on both sides, but Life is about maximizing one's probabilities.

As a single mother, I can understand some of the frustration LW writes about. But he's stuck in a place he needs to get out of. I was there. However, a few years back, I wrote Amy my own miserable self-pitying letter and actually listened to what she had to say and...drum roll please...followed her advice. I got myself and my life together. I took a look at me and what I was lacking and what I wanted in myself and in my life. I won't say it was easy, but a few years later, I'm very happy with myself. I'm back in school finishing my degree, gotten rid of all of the unhealthy people and relationships, and actually feel I've become a better mother. I travel alone, have great friends, have met some nice men, none keepers yet, but mostly stopped placing a "true love" expectation out there. I don't feel lonely or alone and that doesn't mean that I've settled. I'm just enjoying my life and one day I am sure that someone will enter it who I will consider sharing myself and my children with. Until then, I will continue the love affair I have going with myself.

Kristen, your life as you describe it is what I aspire to.

Along with the stuff about working on himself and his life, which is all sound advice, I'd like to add: Work on raising your kid as well as you possibly can. Do the hard job of being a consistent disciplinarian, insisting on good manners, and generally making the kid someone people will want to be around. (I've never understood parents who let their kids be entitled little jerks -- do they really think they're doing the kid any favors by letting him/her grow up to be someone nobody will like?)

He's far more likely to find someone who wants to become part of his family if his family is a pleasant place to be, and that means a kid who is tolerably well-behaved.

"True love" is Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny for grownups.

I don't know that I agree with this perspective. One frustration that I have, dating in my 30's, is that the women I meet are often too 'pragmatic' regarding relationships.

SteveSteve,

What do you mean by "pragmatic"? Example please?

Yes, please elaborate - "pragmatic" generally means the opposite of "unrealistic."

Exactly..PJ...I really, really want an example.

Well, I think John W's advice is solid. Why not quit your job, sell your apartment, and leave all your friends and family to go raise your kid in a third-world country where you don't speak the language and don't know anyone?

Don't you just love how no matter what the topic, some bitter, burned-out dude just HAS to throw in their two cents about how all women are selfish, immature golddiggers? Because if you've been unlucky in love, your choice of women can't possibly be at fault-nope, must be that every single American female is somehow inherently flawed.

I really, really want an example.

uh oh - relax, it's not an insult.

What I mean is that I meet a lot of women who seem more interested in ensuring that our 'lifestyles' align perfectly than in developing an emotional connection. You get the idea that they see you as substitutable for any other guy of a similar age, status, and income. There's no romance, dating them is like an arbitration process.

Nice post Shannon,

I wonder if people who advocate the "3rd world woman" approach have actually ever been to any of these countries for long enough to actually figure out the cultural value systems and how they might change after exposure to North America.

Of course, in my case, I'd be the hedonistic one (apparently) since my wife grew up in the middle of the Congo...as the daughter of missionary schoolteachers.

I don't think they're saying it's an insult.

They're just calling BS on your claim, in a more polite manner than I'm doing here. :)

'lifestyles' align perfectly than in developing an emotional connection."

I actually had a similar experience. For the better part of two years, I didn't "emotionally connect" with anyone either...so I got me a little fuck-buddy. It's a thriving association with little confusion anymore. You should try it.

The trouble with "fuck buddies" is that there is no love. If there is no love you are back to being emotionally unavailable. People who make sex a commodity are missing out on the real emotional connection and making love. Empty sex is for losers. This man with a son will find a woman who loves him and his child . He just needs to be patient and work on himself. His son will benefit and his confidence will attract the right woman.

They're just calling BS on your claim

It honestly isn't BS - what would be the purpose of lying about something like that?

I agree with the statement "True love is Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny for grownups." Infatuation is a phase, and for a relationship to last both need to be willing to put their partner's needs first (to survive the inevitable cases where only one succeeds).

No matter how good or bad our lives are, we all have the ability to make ourselves feel miserable. Nobody can acquire happiness: getting more money, more stuff, more sex, kids, no kids, a partner, a different partner, or anything else like that won't make it happen. Joy is a mental thing, not a set of circumstances.

Obligatory plug: as a Christian, I recommend self-improvement by following the teachings of Jesus Christ. Stripped to the core it basically amounts to being nice to everybody, and it's ok to agree to disagree about peripheral details like which day of the week to vacation on or who to fornicate with.

No, Pseud, stripped to the core, it is something much, much uglier than that. Thank God (pun intended), most Christians don't actually follow the teachings in even the New Testament (and for the record Jesus' did not do away with the Old). Actually read your Buybull, at least the parts in red, and get enlightened. If you're gonna blindly follow, at least don't make it up out of whole cloth. There is nothing in coming to divide with a sword, whipping lawyers and pharisees for breaking a rather silly law, or setting family against one another that is being nice to everybody, at its core.

Oh, but I will agree with you with one thing, Psued, happiness is a state of mind. Material things won't make you happy if you can't appreciate even the little things. Happiness is free. No matter how dire my circumstances ever are, there's always something to be enjoyed. I'll dispute though that family won't make you happy. My little charm fellow's big toothy grin (just for fun, anyone catch the movie paraphrase?)makes me quite happy indeed. This is because I appreciate it. Nice things do make me happy but only because I appreciate them in much the same way I enjoy thunderstorms, the warm sunshine, birds, flowers, children's laughter, the guy who got on the bus the other day singing Sam Cooke's "Having a Party" quite well, etc.

When Jesus was asked "what is the most important commandment?" he said "love God, and then love your neighbor". That's the core. People disagree about subsequent details (clearly), but I claim that the greatest psychological benefit comes from the least controversial parts.

'empty sex is for losers'. Just an observation: it seems to always be women who make these kinds of statements, that sex without love is worthless and empty. Why don't men say this? Is it because they think sex is enjoyable as a physical activity and don't mind that there's no emotional content? Women can enjoy sex the same way that men do, it's just frowned upon if they're not 'in love' with the man-it makes them a slut.

>>'empty sex is for losers'. Just an observation: it seems to always be women who make these kinds of statements, that sex without love is worthless and empty. Why don't men say this? Is it because they think sex is enjoyable as a physical activity and don't mind that there's no emotional content? Women can enjoy sex the same way that men do, it's just frowned upon if they're not 'in love' with the man-it makes them a slut.

I agree that sex can be really good when it is looked upon as a enjoyable physical activity. When a guy and a girl can hook up and make it about just having a good time with good sex, that's great! And I agree that females might get more enjoyment out of it if approached as simply an enjoyable physical activity. However, I disagree with the notion that a woman has to be in love to have sex or she is a slut. If you're doing it with multiple partners in a loveless way, then that label might get thrown around. Generally not from me, but I can see it being used (fairly or not). However, in my experience, often women can't separate the emotion from the sex (most especially if it happens multiple times with the same guy). I am not saying all women, I am just saying in my experience it was most. I always chalked it up to the difference in hard wiring between males and females. I believe Amy explains it as a need (over 500,000 years) for a female to have the father of her children around as a pragmatic survival matter. I am sure it isn't that simplistic completely, however, the behavior of our 10,000 ancestors was going to be passed down to us via genes.

Of course its women that say that empty sex is for losers.

Men are driven to seek out sex, love isn't a necessary component.

That is why you never hear the words "I love you" in a porn flick.

Women are far more prone to emotional connection than their male counterparts. Looking at another way, it could be argued that women seek out sex for the love, and men seek out love for the sex, in the vast majority of cases.

Just to clarify, I don't think that women who have sex without 'love' are sluts, I was just stating what the common assumption is. I think women sometimes convince themselves that they're in love with a guy so they don't feel guilty about having sex with him.

Women can also seek out sex for physical enjoyment, which would definitely involve orgasms for her. If women could get off as easily and quickly as men through straight intercourse, I'm sure they'd act more like men. Unfortunatley a lot of women don't understand how their own bodies work and don't know how to have an orgasm, and a lot of men think that porn is an actual instruction manual about how to get a woman off.

I personally got tired of unsatisfying one nighters with unskilled lovers, it just wasn't worth the effort anymore. I've met a few guys over the years who had a natural talent, so I just stuck with them as it was easier for me.

I admit that I did always develop feelings after seeing a fb for a period of a year or so, but I don't feel that somehow it's due to my 'natural female emotional weakness'. I think it's just normal. If the feelings weren't reciprocated, I would stop seeing the guy.

There's no romance, dating them is like an arbitration process.

Steve2-funny you should mention that. It worked for us. I laugh now because it did seem like a job interview at times. But at our age (>40 and

Oh, those pesky little details! Ah, but notice he didn't say the others were to be ignored. Long and short of it, psued, Christianity isn't the feel-good religion it's passed off at. And, for the record, I wouldn't write love God and love thy neighbor off as noncontroversial.

Frankly, you love your imiginary friend all you want but you take him too seriously, he's scary and scary things are done out of that "love" for him. And neighbors aren't always loveable. It's like the commandment to honor thy father and thy mother. Easy enough if your parents are at all honorable; impossible if they're anything but and beat your ass to boot. And why wouldn't a Christian parent? After all, God orders child abuse.

I rest my case in history. Too many neighbors have been killed because they refused to love God as ordered. Christian history is a bloody one and it's only (mostly, but not entirely) in the past because the majority of Christians do like you and pick and choose the parts that make them feel good.

Laura...are fucking kidding me? You sound like the ugly girl in middle school who learned early how to shame a boy into a relationship. All your "high moral ground" bullshit.

"The trouble with "fuck buddies" is that there is no love. If there is no love you are back to being emotionally unavailable."

It's not the 'trouble,' Laura. It's the point of that type of thing. So, do you recommend I lie to both him and myself so all that hitting from the back can have some greater emotional connection, that I don't mean or want?

"People who make sex a commodity are missing out on the real emotional connection and making love."

It's not as if I've never had it (a real emotional connection), it's that I know how much work it is...and I'm not interested in that kind of work right now. I have other interests...like getting my first book published.

"Empty sex is for losers."

Uhh...o.k...I'm a loser then...one who gets to cum quite frequently...and that, Laura, brings me a lot of joy on a regular basis.

"This man with a son will find a woman who loves him and his child . He just needs to be patient and work on himself. His son will benefit and his confidence will attract the right woman"

And if he learned to have some empty sex for a while, he might be able to actually focus on his unrealistic, overly romanticized, Hollywoodesque, belief about finding a worthwhile partner he can actually respect himself for loving one day.

Kristen: "I'm back in school finishing my degree..."

This is something I almost never see in advice, anywhere:
Go back to school.

But it's perfect. Learning is exhilarating. You impress others with your working to improve yourself, and you automatically have something in common with other students, some of which might find your company pleasing.

Good comment: School is also something you'll never have time for, once you find a SOther.

SteveSteve: "ensuring that our 'lifestyles' align perfectly than in developing an emotional connection"

Thanks - that sheds some light (and dare I hope, helps to validate) the choice I made (and occasionally regret) since meeting, dating, and marrying my DH 10 years ago.

Emotional attachment: 10
Similar Lifestyle: 0

I'm a lark, he's an owl. He has an expensive hobby I don't connect with, and I've given up the hobbies I enjoyed because they don't suit our shared lifestyle.

But he makes me laugh, and he looks out for me, and I'm a better person when I'm with him.

Thanks.