Martyr, She Wrote
My boyfriend of five years has severe anger and money issues. I constantly helped him out financially, professionally, and personally. If I refused there'd be a fight. Still, I love him dearly because he's a good guy. He's always said I'm "the one"; that every other woman has left him, but he wanted to grow old with me. Two months ago, he left me, but came back a week later, teary, saying we'd go to therapy. The therapist said he had Attention Deficit Disorder, and once he got on medication many of our problems would be resolved. A week later, things were great until he said he didn't love me and left again. He's flying to Peru to see a girl he dated 15 years ago, and hoping to propose. He called her his true love, and hurt me more by saying he'd "wasted" five years with me. But, I know this fling won't last. I still truly love him, and I hate seeing our relationship going down the drain like this!
--Distraught
You note that every other woman has left him, like it's some accomplishment that you're still there. Sorry, but "Woman survives on barely any dignity for five straight years" isn't quite on par with "Woman trapped in car for five days stays alive by drinking her own urine and eating the headrest."
You spin what you had with him as some great love story, and that's not totally off. Your denial of reality is right out of "Titanic" -- the scene where DiCaprio's character is about to freeze to death in the North Atlantic, but first manages to mutter, "I don't know about you, but I intend on writing a strongly worded letter to the White Star Line about all of this." Next, you claim he's "a good guy." How so? When he's screaming and maybe even throwing things at you, does he stop for a moment to write a check to the American Cancer Society?
Of course, you were never "the one," just the one who paid his VISA bill. And guess what: He hates you for it -- for being somebody who'd do anything to keep him around -- and probably hated himself for needing you too much to ditch you. You weren't his girlfriend; you were his caseworker. You don't love him; you enable him. And, you weren't with him for who he is but for who you're not. Being with him makes you feel like somebody, and keeps you too busy cleaning up the giant litterbox that is his life to look at your own. To be fair, you two do have one big thing in common: a really low opinion of you.
Don't get your hopes up about the ADD meds, which were apparently sold to you as the Glinda the Good Witch of pharmaceuticals. They might help him be more focused and less impulsive, frustrated, and angry, but there's no medication in the world that will make a mean guy nice. Remember, this is a man who told you he "wasted" five years with you. If you ever loved somebody, you don't say stuff like that to them. (If you have nothing nice to say, well, be a dear and make something up.) Like psoriasis, the guy's bound to come back. In preparation for his return, change the locks, change your phone number, and pledge to stay out of relationships until you couldn't imagine putting up with a guy like him. In the meantime, if you're jonesing to feel needed, become a Big Sister (bbbs.org), and light up somebody's life without paying five years of their electric bills.
Yup. There's no drug that cures assholitis.
Janet C at March 24, 2009 9:27 PM
Its women like this that make me loath people.
WTF was she thinking? 20 bucks says she was praying for him to change.
I cannot for the life of me understand why people insist on wandering thru their lives with their eyes shut and their fingers jammed in their ears.
I'm sorry but I refuse to feel sorry for people in such relationships - they know what the score is they just refuse to admit it, and they deserve what they get.
LW thanks for not having kids with that wonderful man, if I might offer another bit of advice dont have kids EVER, the world doesnt need more doormats
lujlp at March 25, 2009 4:30 AM
Good heavens, Amy, where do these people come from? Is there something in the water? What do you think the chances are that your advice will have any effect in this case?
Norman at March 25, 2009 4:32 AM
"He's always said I'm "the one"" who will replace his mom.
"The therapist said he had Attention Deficit Disorder" Fuck the therapist and fuck anyone who tries to blame this shit on ADD. God damn camel fucking colon pirate cum chugers. I'm very much fucking sick of ADD being blamed for all sorts of shit. ADD has nothing to do with conduct disorders or Borderline which this horse fucker clearly is. ADD makes you impulsive and requires you to juggle several things at once to function, then the suck of hyper focus which enables you to occasionally tune out hunger, fatigue, and everything else for hours and hours. There is absolutely nothing in the diagnosis that would make someone cruel or an asshole. There can be some co-morbid due to shit life experiences cause by ADD but they are not due to ADD directly. This is shit that needs a therapist and a sudden urge to grow the fuck up. Oh, did I forget to add a rant warning must be my ADD acting up.
LW: Look he might grow up but all the other women left him and he hasn't so he probably won't. If you like being a door mat then have at it but at least have the curtsy to admit it to your self. Hey some people are door mats. That's how guys like this are created.
vlad at March 25, 2009 5:46 AM
You people have no romance in your souls.
Dear Distraught. You should go win him back! And get married! Babies everywhere!
Can you imagine spending the rest of your life supporting him and having him hate you for it?
A love like this is very rare, and 40 years from now he can hold your hands, look into your eyes and say "I can't believe I wasted my life on you."
Where in the world did you get the baseline for "A good guy"? The dogfighting arenas?
ErikZ at March 25, 2009 6:07 AM
Easy on the harsh, folks, huh? We've all known people like that.
Having said that, I might ask Distraught this: You said your boyfriend was really a good guy. Do you really believe this, or are you really trying to convince yourself that you're a sensible woman who hasn't blown the last five years hoping that happiness is right around the next corner, or the one after that (at the latest)?
Whatever potential your boyfriend has, your description suggests he's wildly immature, and would rather blame others (like you) for his shortcomings rather than actually grow up. So I agree with Amy -- get away from him post-haste. Maybe you'll feel like you've wasted the last five years. Okay, but that's not as bad as wasting twenty, with a couple kids thrown in the mix, isn't it?
old rpm daddy at March 25, 2009 6:32 AM
ErikZ, that is funny. I laughed out loud.
Letter writer: (slap) snap out of it. Dump his ass, with extreme prejudice.
Spartee at March 25, 2009 6:52 AM
Yet another shining example of the sunk cost fallacy in action!
Melissa G at March 25, 2009 7:06 AM
Wow...I'm feeling gentle today because LW has such low self-esteem that it's painful. Also, because I remember being her once upon a time.
One time, my 27-year-old fiance's expensive new sneakers were stolen at a water park. He blamed me because he said I left the locker door open...despite the fact that his wallet and none of our other stuff was stolen. He threw a screaming tantrum, threw stuff at me and called me all kinds of R-rated names in front of everyone in the park. When he calmed down, he remembered that he'd left them on the bench in the locker room. At this point, he was shoeless. I gave him my sneakers so he wouldn't have to walk across the hot parking lot barefoot. Then I bought him new sneakers because he was afraid his parents would be mad, since they were a gift.
I want to travel back in time and rabbit punch myself. Wasting five years with your loser is tough, but you've gotta let it go. Figure out why your self esteem is so low and work on it. It doesn't have to be like this.
MonicaP at March 25, 2009 7:07 AM
I have ADD and medicine works wonders for me. I am more calm, focused and I'm finally rid of the constant chaos in my head. However, it did not change my personality. Ritalin does not magically make me want to plant trees and donate puppies to the homeless. And without it, I am a lot more impulsive, but I don't turn into a psycho bitch. To the letter writer: not even a truckload of ritalin and horse tranquilizers can help this loser.
Miss Q at March 25, 2009 7:30 AM
Amy -
Where do you find these people?
Three sentences in, and she's already proven that she's deluded.
What the fuck is wrong with people? Tiger don't change his strips. An asshole is an asshole.
brian at March 25, 2009 8:08 AM
LW should take this as an opportunity to work on herself - pick up new hobbies, do the big sister thing like Amy said, volunteer, make new friends, fire juggle-whatever makes her be herself and not someone's used wad of tissue paper. When he comes back (which he will) maybe he'll find a self-sufficient, strong, involved-in-life woman who doesn't need to put up with his shit anymore. Hopefully she'll use her time away from him to step back & take a breath & realize that it wasn't all that great, or fun at all, to take care of a full-grown man.
Ddub at March 25, 2009 8:49 AM
Three sentences in, and she's already proven that she's deluded.
I didn't even get to the end of the first sentence before I knew that she was deluded ("My boyfriend of five years has severe anger..."). Five years dealing with severe anger issues?
Prediction: he'll come back from Peru (how did he get the money to pay for the ticket, by the way?) disillusioned about his love there, and begging the letter writer to take him back. Here's hoping she doesn't, despite the slavish ass-kissing he will engage in in order to win her back; despite the rage he will show when she refuses; and despite the additional ass-kissing and gift giving that will follow the first bout of ass-kissing and the rage.
Quizzical1 at March 25, 2009 8:52 AM
I was with a guy who had ADD, Asperger's Syndrome and suffered from depression. Four years of my life, gone. I'm not even going to tell you how much money I wasted enabling him. And yes, his parents didn't so much see me as the girlfriend/ fiance as much as the person who would take over the "care" of their baby boy. I finally had enough, kicked him out and learned to let go of all the anger that I'd pent up for those four years. I started looking after myself. I learned to enjoy my family and friends again and rebuilt my life. The LW needs to give him the boot and let it go! It won't be fun, but the rewards are amazing. I can attest to that. I'm no longer the bitchy, angry person I used to be. Well, ok, maybe I'm still a bit bitchy. ;) It will be hard and painful, but she has to do it if she wants her life to be rich and rewarding, instead of a drain on both her energy and finances.
I was really scared that I'd be incapable of having a healthy relationship after four years of chaos, but here I am, in a healthy, happy marriage. But it was because I made the decision to be healthy and happy again. You are the only one who can determine the quality of your life!
Serafina at March 25, 2009 8:58 AM
This LW has the same problem as several other recent ones - miserable, rock-bottom, lousy, non-existent self-esteem. I never know whether I want to give these people a hug or a bitchslap.
However it does make me wonder how people get to be this way. It seems like during my high school and college years I went through a lousy self-esteem period. I would call my childhood "unhappy" although I didn't have abusive parents and think that in many ways I should be counting my blessings. But I grew out of all that, and can't even begin to imagine putting up with this kind of shit for five years. Even back then I never got that low. Is this LW really young?
It seems like almost all girls and some boys go through the complete evaporation of their self-esteem - why is that? What is it that makes people value themselves so little, at least for a while?
Pirate Jo at March 25, 2009 9:00 AM
All joking aside, LW might think about her personal safety if he comes back. Anger issues + impulse issues + dependence could potentially be very dangerous.
ahw at March 25, 2009 9:08 AM
It's self-esteem issues on the part of the women here. Most unbelievably -- or rather, not so unbelievably at all -- after I'd e-mailed with her EXTENSIVELY to try to straighten her out, and told her to get The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem and Women Who Love Too Much and The Art of Living Consciously, she wrote back to tell me she'd gotten them but was reading a book first on understanding ADD! Arrrgh. I wrote her back to slap her and tell her it was the same old same old.
Amy Alkon at March 25, 2009 9:10 AM
Pirate Jo, I believe people do things the way they do because they get something out of it, even in a twisted way.
The LW clearly thinks she's a good person and a good girlfriend for staying with him despite all he's done to her. That's what she's getting out of it. She's the "good woman" and the victim, while he's the bad guy who's lucky to have her.
Monicap at March 25, 2009 9:20 AM
Borderline or sociopath? I vote the latter, but to the LW, it's a distinction without a difference. If it were the case that the guy was eye candy, then at least the LW would have a comprensible motive, but my guess is the guy looks like Dog Chapman after an all-night bender. So there's not even that.
So what does the LW get out of it? I think MonicaP hit it exactly. She gets out of not having to face herself. She gets to put that off forever; there's always something more important with the BF that needs to be taken care of.
BTW, MonicaP, out of curiousity, what was the moment where you began to see the world as it truly is?
Cousin Dave at March 25, 2009 10:03 AM
I think that moment came when I realized that I actually DIDN'T see the world clearly. So I set an artificial boundary for myself. I said that if he ever cheated again, I was leaving. Period. (In my family, the only "valid" excuses for leaving a marriage are cheating and physical abuse. So I wanted out, but that was the only way I would let myself out.)
Truthfully, any of his nonsense would have been cause enough to leave. Fortunately, he helped me out by cheating again, so I could leave guilt-free. It took another year for me to get a grip on reality and see exactly where I was screwed up. What's helped keep that in check is taking a more detached view of my life. If my friend's boyfriend/husband were treating her this way, what would I tell her?
MonicaP at March 25, 2009 10:29 AM
Very sound advice. You guys are all pretty much right on, altough I think LW's boyfriend is Borderline as opposed to sociopath. I had one of those. He was amazing in the sack, and it was really hard to let him go. But at last, I realized that sometimes a big dick is just that.
o.O
Flynne at March 25, 2009 10:45 AM
LW, take this opportunity to get that sucker tattooeed across your forehead removed. Start being kind to yourself (instead of self-sacrificing) and you might just find out that life can be nice.
Monica, hear that. I did the same damned thing. I reached the point (even gave him the ultimatium) where I said, three more lies, three strikes, and you're out; I file for divorce. Now I knew someplace deep down those three lies were going to happen but was at a place at that time where I had to feel like I was trying to make it work. I think people, in general, when they go handing out ultimatiums really kind of know, it isn't working out but sometimes the truth is hard to look at.
T's Grammy at March 25, 2009 10:57 AM
I think that the b/f's trip to see his old flame in Peru will result in him having an epiphany and a complete personality change. He will propose to her and she wil accept, and they will get married and live happily ever after down there in the suburbs of Lima (and have several children as well). He will also take a keen interest in helping the many poor people on the outskirts of Lima by starting a charity devoted to providing them with food, water, sanitation and housing. Twenty years from now the LW will meet up with him in Peru and beg for him to come back to the US to live with her, as she will realize how much he has changed and what a good catch he is. Unfortunatly, he will have to turn her down out of loyalty to his wife and dedication to his charity.
Those purple mushrooms I had for lunch were really tasty.
Thomas Fullery at March 25, 2009 11:00 AM
"And yes, his parents didn't so much see me as the girlfriend/ fiance as much as the person who would take over the "care" of their baby boy." The fact that he has ADD or ASD has little effect on his behavior towards you. This is why he's such an asshole. Mommy and daddy enabled the shit out of him and now they expect that the world will cherish their beautiful angel the way they do.
BTW was he actually diagnosed as ADD and ASD or was it self diagnosis.
Now when they are discussing anger are we talking about grumbling in a corner or throwing/breaking shit fits of rage?
vlad at March 25, 2009 11:00 AM
Thomas, I want some of those mushrooms.
Cousin Dave at March 25, 2009 12:52 PM
Me too. If I had some of those mushrooms, I bet I'd get a federal bailout.
Pirate Jo at March 25, 2009 1:20 PM
I'm impressed by the story so many women here tell: "I was in a mess, so I took time to sort myself out." You don't hear that story from men much. Why is that, I wonder?
Norman at March 25, 2009 1:24 PM
@vlad: Both were diagnosed by professionals. The ADD was known to me before we got together, the Asperger's came towards the end. When his parents and he found out about the ASD, they excepted me to drop the ultimatum I'd given him (fix your life or I leave) and continue to enable him because he had a "problem" and it wasn't his "fault." By that time I had quit buying their BS and said, yes, it's not his fault he inherited the ASD from his Dad, but he still needs to learn to fix his life or I LEAVE! They didn't like that. :)
Serafina at March 25, 2009 1:24 PM
I used to think that "great guy" thing about my mistake. Then I sat down and tried to come up with a list of specific things I actually liked about him. That's when I realized what an idiot I had been! I had previously dwelled on the occassional time he did something nice, convicing myself that, "See? He really is a nice guy" and just needed "understanding". That's a great cover to allow someone to be an asshole on a regular basis. Sadly, my list was empty. Lesson learned.
moreta at March 25, 2009 1:59 PM
His lost love in Peru? I'm gonna call "guano" on that one.
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at March 25, 2009 4:36 PM
Good job getting out Monica. I cannot make fun of LW because the truth is that its very sad to see a woman in this day and age think so little of herself that she tolerates such atrocious behavior. Her relationship sounds a lot like my marriage that lasted way too long and produced 3 kids. Thankfully, as I posted last week, after a few more unhealthy relationships, I took a wise woman's advice and got myself help. I only hope LW will walk away and get herself the help she desperately needs. Please though, Amy, I must disagree with you about telling her to volunteer for Big Sister. Those girls need strong healthy women for role models, not someone who will show them the way into an abusive relationship and how to justify it for years. Let her get a goldfish if she wants to feel needed. Or better yet, tell her to call the Coalition Against Domestic Violence. If she doesn't think she should be a client, then she can volunteer. Maybe that will open her eyes.
Kristen at March 25, 2009 5:16 PM
Why do these people stay in abusive relationships? Because at least partly, they might be manipulated so expertly that they don't realize how shitty things are for quite awhile. It sounds really clear to us, reading this letter, but it might take awhile to put all the clues together when you're in the situation. It's also amazing how much bad behavior people will put up with as long as they occasionally have positive aspects to the relationship. For an example of manipulation, see how he says that she's "the one." That every other woman has left him. Tina Turner, of all people, fell for this drivel from Ike Turner. Ike complained about all the awful treatment he had received from women, how much they'd hurt him. So Tina resolved never to be that woman--to always take care of him and never add to his considerable wounds. It played to her caretaking impulses, and also made her feel special and good as the one who would heal his hurts. Of course she later realized what BS that whole thing was. Narcissists and sociopaths are both very adept at manipulating caring people into seeing the manipulator as the victim and, whenever the manipulator is suffering, to make the caring person worry that he/she has done something wrong.
Quizzical at March 25, 2009 6:11 PM
And don't forget, guys can fall into these traps, too, as I think we've seen in posts on this site. Just recently, a male friend of my eldest kid married a needy little gal who, to hear my kid tell it, lied pretty comprehensively about her background. The wedding went ahead anyway. I've never met the boy, but I keep thinking he's doomed, and maybe not the sharpest Ginsu in the infomercial.
old rpm daddy at March 26, 2009 8:17 AM
Amy - thank you for posting the titles of the self esteem books.
My beloved sister has been in one bad relationship to the next and my heart breaks every time she closes the door in my face and re-opens it to yet another pathetic abuser.
I have tried to tell her that she is WORTH more but she seems determined to inject herself with the venom that these assholes produce.
As a sister, it is heart wretching for me to watch from the sidelines - helpless. I email your columns to her - praying that your advice will sink in. I guess that time will tell...
AJ at March 27, 2009 7:51 AM
Let's not forget to blame religion for brainwashing little girls into being martyrs. 'It's good not to be selfish, take care of other people, blah blah blah'.
When women do this kind of crap, they do get a certain satisfaction that they are NOT being selfish and thus being a good, supportive woman. This kind of brainwashing ensures a steady supply of doormats for bad men.
Chrissy at March 27, 2009 8:10 AM
AMEN! (pun intended.) I never thought about it that way (the religion thing), but I would have to agree. Women are socially (and religously) trained to be caretakers and to make others happy. I recently had to get over the notion that "if I give up on him then I'm not good or kind..."
Lisa at March 27, 2009 8:32 AM
"if I give up on him then I'm not good or kind..."
I fell into that trap once, too. The thing to remember is that you can only be kind from a position of strength. (Not necessarily superiority, but strength.) And the power to make him miserable whether you intend to or not, which he will try to convince you you have, doesn't count as strength.
The Other Lily at March 27, 2009 10:32 AM
"And guess what: He hates you for it -- for being somebody who'd do anything to keep him around -- and probably hated himself for needing you too much to ditch you."
The principle behind this is basic, and not well-enough publicized!
I have a niece, of whom I am extremely proud for dismissing needy suitors (among other things, of course). Pursuing her astrophysics degree, she's a valuable person who knows that the company she keeps cannot be endlessly waiting on her. She knows her guy has to develop on his own while she does. Otherwise, there is no hope of growing together.
Radwaste at March 27, 2009 11:22 AM
Here is a prime example of this type of behavior. The poster, who is asking for advice in how to deal with a spouse who refuses to stop being friends with her lover, absolutely refuses to accept advice pointing out how bad she is treating him and that he should leave her.
As someone who has spent most of his life alone, I suppose I just cannot understand what drives someone to accept such disrespect in order to delude themselves into thinking they are not alone. And they are alone, for all the fact that there is another person in their life.
I used to try to help people get out of bad relationships like the LW and the guy I linked are/were in, but anymore I figure they just don't want to see it so I don't bother. All it does is leave me feeling frustrated and angry over their acceptance of being crapped on.
Stick at March 27, 2009 1:31 PM
I agree, Stick, I used to listen to my friends complaining about how badly they were treated by their boyfriends, but they would ignore my advice and would never dump the guy. I think they just want to complain to someone, or better yet, have someone else tell them they were right and he was wrong. Now if they start up with the complaining, I just tell them they're a doormat that obviously enjoys suffering. The funny thing is that when I tell them about my healthy relationship that makes both me and my boyfriend happy, they find fault with it because we haven't gone to 'the next level', whatever that is.
Chrissy at March 28, 2009 6:43 AM
I wonder if by "Next Level" they mean "Codependent like us"?
Stick at March 31, 2009 8:36 AM
The guy is a dog - if he comes back tell him to get stuffed.
Porky at March 31, 2009 3:12 PM
Nice, Amy. Very well said.
SusanLynn at April 4, 2009 11:22 AM
I'd rather be married to a doormat, or the jerk she's dating, than to the self-righteous, judgmental twits represented by Amery and the people on this comment board.
TheExpatriate at April 6, 2009 10:24 AM
I meant Amy.
TheExpatriate700 at April 7, 2009 9:26 AM
Wow... can everyone chill a little?
Low self-esteem is something that requires counseling, guidance, direction, and support to overcome. Name calling and harsh criticism/judgment does nothing but perpetuate the cycle. Maybe we could all be a little less harsh, and instead offer some solid suggestions to "Distraught" as to how to move forward from this evidently bad situation.
I'd like to recommend a book called "It's Called a Break Up Because It's Broken". And there's another book called "Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing and Enjoying the Self" by Charles Whitfield that is very good for self-esteem and boundary issues. And, as always, counseling is a great idea too. Good luck Distraught! I hope you find your way (and yourself) in the process! :)
RT at November 19, 2009 9:34 AM
Leave a comment